Sugar in her coffee

[annielou]

I wouldn't know what to do about the pyjama trousers either, does she just wear them in the day or for bed too? Is she changing into them on a morning or forgetting to change into trousers and leaving them on do you think.
Its hard to leave them to it when you know old mum wouldn't have done that in a million years isn't it. I know people say this is a new mum we have to get used to and not judge by old mums standards but I find that hard, especially when my mum has times when she still judges others by her old standards.
Mum will wear her trousers and cardigans a couple of times but now forgets how many times she has already wore them and so most of the time will think that its first time she has had them on. She was doing this a lot before I stayed with her and when I stayed with her she would still do it but would often check with me if outfit ok before going in bathroom so I would tell her that needs washing mum. She used to get quite grumpy about it and we did have a good few heated discussions at times but mainly she would take my word for it. Now I'm coming home on a night again she is starting to do it again and also she keeps forgetting to wash her hair.
I used to have to tell her what day to wash her hair when I was there even though she has been doing it mainly on the same days for years. Mums hair luckily doesnt tend to get greasy and she only used to wash it twice a week but she keeps forgetting now I'm not there to remind her. Last week and this week she went 6 days.
She also had the same trousers on round the house 3 days last week and had put them on again on Tuesday when I went. She swore they were fresh on but I know they had not been washed over the weekend. Also they were her 'knock about trousers' as she calls old things she only wears round the house, and we were supposed to be going out but she was planning to wear them. Previously she wouldn't have gone out in public in them.
Luckily she spotted a blob of chocolate on them so changed them anyway. Though she did say that proved they were clean on that morning as that would be biscuit from her breakfast, except she has her breakfast before she goes in shower and gets dressed and I know she had done that morning as she was still in night things and said she'd just finished her tea and biscuits when I'd rung, but I was pleased she was changing out of them anyway so didn't say.
SW told us on one of visits if mum decides not to shower and have a wash instead, or not to get changed one day, or leave her hair wash for another day, it doesn't matter. But its not a choice, mum means to do it she just forgets and in her clearer moments asks me to tell her that she needs to wash hair or shower or change and is still horrified at thought of being unclean and untidy but when she forgets to do it she often gets angry as doesnt think she has forgot or if does remember she is probably embarrassed so tries to cover up.
Sis said SW probably knows its not a choice but was trying to play it down to keep mum on side and in mood to chat and maybe she was, but the next day when she was putting same trousers on for third time and sis tried to tell her gently she said well SW says I can if I want to. Of all the things to remember lol
Anyway sorry for the ramble and no helpful suggestions, but what I meant to say is ts hard to know what to do for best isn't it . Hugs (X)

 

[DesperateofDevon]

How about lounge style bottoms in a warmer material as a middle ground ?

 

[Batsue]

I bought my mum several pairs of pull-on black fleece trousers from Damart, they are lovely and warm and look quite smart too.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Hi @annielou - I think she changes in to them. I need to check with the Carers. So much of what you said regarding your Mum and clothes is the same as my Mum. The same with the washing hair. Fortunately now being in the CH I know it is washed weekly and it makes Mum happy. It is amazing what is remembered sometimes especially the things you wish had been forgotten

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you @DesperateofDevon and @reedysue for some good suggestions. I did wonder if Mum was struggling with zips. The pj bottoms do have buttons on as well as the elastic waist so currently buttons are not an issue. She does struggle with the zip on her waterproof coat though.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thank you @DesperateofDevon and @reedysue for some good suggestions. I did wonder if Mum was struggling with zips. The pj bottoms do have buttons on as well as the elastic waist so currently buttons are not an issue. She does struggle with the zip on her waterproof coat though.

If it’s any consolation so does OH!
It’s the coordination & alignment issues - did find clothes for Dad with fake zips !
X

 

[Bikerbeth]

So I heard back from Mum’s old next door neighbour and friend down the road who visited Mum yesterday. Mum did remember them when they arrived and apparently they all had a lovely meal out at the pub up the road.
Carer told me today it was a shame as Mum had put her new dress on but then after breakfast she had changed out of it again. I light heartedly said to her ‘did you put your posh frock on yesterday to go out’ and she said she had put it on but as she had lost so much weight it didn’t fit her anymore. We brought it 2 weeks ago. Then it turned into the fact that someone had spilt stuff all over her red suit.
Anyway she tried the dress on again and I took her to a long mirror down the corridor to show her that it was ok and she did agree. Then she ended up trying on some other clothes so that kept us busy for a while. As she was starting to become anxious about the coronavirus again with allegedly people being evacuated from the CH but nobody being told anything upstairs despite the fact that she kept asking I decided we need a change of scenery. Headed off to the cafe area for coffee and cake. One of the activity coordinators was there and she got me a set of her dominos where the different numbers are coloured differently. That really helped Mum and it did hold her attention until lunch. Whilst I was there fairly invisible brother sent text saying Mum had made no sense when he rang her this morning. I wonder how long it is since he has rang because she has been noticeably worse for the last 3 weeks especially if you try to speak to her on the phone. He says he rings every other day.
hope everyone has survived the storm in tact.

 

[annielou]

So I heard back from Mum’s old next door neighbour and friend down the road who visited Mum yesterday. Mum did remember them when they arrived and apparently they all had a lovely meal out at the pub up the road.
Carer told me today it was a shame as Mum had put her new dress on but then after breakfast she had changed out of it again. I light heartedly said to her ‘did you put your posh frock on yesterday to go out’ and she said she had put it on but as she had lost so much weight it didn’t fit her anymore. We brought it 2 weeks ago. Then it turned into the fact that someone had spilt stuff all over her red suit.
Anyway she tried the dress on again and I took her to a long mirror down the corridor to show her that it was ok and she did agree. Then she ended up trying on some other clothes so that kept us busy for a while. As she was starting to become anxious about the coronavirus again with allegedly people being evacuated from the CH but nobody being told anything upstairs despite the fact that she kept asking I decided we need a change of scenery. Headed off to the cafe area for coffee and cake. One of the activity coordinators was there and she got me a set of her dominos where the different numbers are coloured differently. That really helped Mum and it did hold her attention until lunch. Whilst I was there fairly invisible brother sent text saying Mum had made no sense when he rang her this morning. I wonder how long it is since he has rang because she has been noticeably worse for the last 3 weeks especially if you try to speak to her on the phone. He says he rings every other day.
hope everyone has survived the storm in tact.

Shame about mums new dress, I bet your old mum would have revelled in going out for lunch in a new dress too, there really is no figuring out the way dementia affects the thoughts is there, good that she remembered neighbours and had a good outing though.
Also a shame about the coronavirus worry coming back again today, I bet its hard to avoid too as its all over the news and papers. Mum can get panicked by things she has seen and then as she worries she seems to come up with extra bits that she thinks has happened that haven't, like your mum thinking others been vaccinated but she hasnt.
There is a new ad at mo about testing smoke alarms which shows things like someone leaving a cloth next to gas ring, vase falling over onto a candle, overloaded extension cable which start fires and first few times mum saw it she was worried her smoke alarms didnt work, or that she didn't have any, and then that the landlord had taken them out. I dread it coming on and scared mum will keep worrying about it. At least a couple of times a day in the week when we're watching daytime tele mum sees the funeral and life insurance ads and then she asks who she is with, and then starts worrying if they are still taking her money cos nobodys been to colllect it and shes not seen anything from them, and if her kids know who she's with for when they need it.
These things are a worry in everyday day life for a lot of us when we hear about them, but for people with dementia and other illnesses that affect peoples thought processes and reasoning I bet it can be really difficult if they latch on to them. x

 

[Bikerbeth]

So Monday was a good visit. We headed off to a small nature reserve. It was all windy of course due to the end of the storm but as it was heathland and therefore sandy we did not end up with muddy shoes (must remember to put a cloth in car for wiping shoes). We went into the nearby town for the standard coffee and cake. A bit of a struggle to leave as she wanted to come out to the car to say goodbye. My fault for leaving after lunch.
Due to beginning the installation of a new log burner and surround etc I did not visit again until yesterday. Made big mistake, as i usually get to the CH before 10am I rang to ask them to let Mum know that I would be later about 11.30. However I miscalculated and arrived at 12.30. Both Carers let me know that Mum has been pacing and asking them where I was every 10 minutes from 11.30. Lesson learnt always advise later time and turn up earlier. Mum had refused to join in activity as I was coming. So Mum showed her displeasure by being really grump even though I tried to explain why I was late and apologised. I know the grump was only due to disappointment and as she said she felt I was not going and had abandoned her. So sat and chatted until lunch was served. After lunch after finding all the ‘usual’ missing items we walked into nearby town - again usual coffee and cake. Headed back and she was friends again with me. Managed to get a few laughs with her when we got back. Decided we were going to start a rebellion in the care home about the fish tank there which had her giggling. Fortunately virus talk seems to have gone but we did have a small incidence of ‘your whispering about me again’ and tears. I was just advising staff about Mum’s optician appointment which I had just made with Mum sat next to me. I think she did not hear me when I told her I was going to tell staff.
Log burner being installed today - hurrah- but then need to decorate lounge. All because the old sofa broke and we needed to buy a new one, which meant redecorating before it arrives, which meant we needed to get the log burner and fire place done........

 

[Bikerbeth]

Went for a walk out of the village and across the fields. Walking across one field and trying to work out what was further ahead. It looked like a small boat with sail which was rather strange as we are not in coastal area or near lakes. Turns out as I got closer to be one of those trampolines with netting round all broken and twisted. Certainly well blown around as it must have been at least 1/2 mile from nearest houses.

 

[annielou]

Sounds like the trampoline had travelled a fair way, it may go even further in next few day We lost our side gate to storm ciara last sunday and are hoping dennis is kinder to us this weekend.?
Sounds like yesterdays visit got better as the day went on, mum does the 'are you whispering about me again' thing too. She used to get really angry and aggressive about it but the last few weeks not as much, but if she does she is more upset than angry now and usually gets over it quicker now to. It still makes me feel guilty though, even when like you, I've told her going to talk about it with someone. Hope the virus worry has gone for good ?

 

[Bikerbeth]

@annielou I hope Dennis is kinder to you this weekend. I hope the side gate can be repaired or replaced easily but it is another thing you could have done without.

 

[annielou]

Me too, hubby has been calling it Derek instead of Dennis all week so I'm hoping Dennis doesn't take offence and actually take a fence lol?

 

[Bikerbeth]

Me too, hubby has been calling it Derek instead of Dennis all week so I'm hoping Dennis doesn't take offence and actually take a fence lol?

Fingers crossed for you and for me too and actually everyone else on here

 

[Bikerbeth]

So phone call from CH this morning at 7.45am asking if I could speak to Mum as she had been crying intensely for 30 mins and just wanted to speak to me. Mum is an early riser and unfortunately she got up hearing a noise and went to investigate. Unfortunately one of the less mobile residents had got up and had a fall and Mum saw the paramedics etc there before the other resident went off to be fully checked at the hospital. This situation then got confused into her current ‘loop’ of everyone leaving and she did not know how she would get any food because there would be no one there and she could not remember how to cook. It took quite a while to calm her down. OH is good at getting her to laugh so I put him on the phone to her once she was calmer and he did get a little laugh from her.
I was going over to see her anyway today, however when I arrived she was still stuck in the ‘loop’ of everyone leaving/ moving but not her and nobody would tell her anything. We did have a giggle though - one of the other residents B (male) asked for a Carer to help him and Carer said she would come in ‘just a minute’. He then started mimicking her and another residents J started giggling so he started again which made me giggle too and eventually with J and myself giggling ,as B kept up the mimics, Mum did manage a smile.
went to Mum’s room where she had half packed up her stuff as she said she was moving but didn’t know where. I said she was not moving and as she had just finished breakfast she needed to clean her teeth before we went out. ‘Stuff’ unpacked and put away before she had finished cleaning her teeth.
Took Mum to see a British wildlife Photography exhibition at a nearby small museum type place and she seemed to enjoy looking at the photos and made some comments about them. Then we headed to the cafe there. Unfortunately the ‘loop’ came back - everyone was moving, nobody is telling me anything, where am I going to sleep tonight. Although she did manage to eat the Danish pastry.
Too wet and windy to go walking outside so I took her to an indoor shopping complex not too far away. We did need to get some birthday cards and she did have a giggle at some of the funny cards. However as soon as we sat down to have some lunch we went back to the loop. Got a few more odds and ends and headed back to the CH.
Although Mum was quite chatty with another resident’s family in the cafe downstairs, once we headed upstairs she became very confused again (sundowning definitely) - she couldn’t remember where her room was or where she was going to have her breakfast. Fortunately one of her favourite Carers was working today and she took Mum on a ‘tour of the floor’ and explained where everything was and where breakfast would be served. Mum seemed fairly happy for me to leave then as she settled with the Carer.

 

[annielou]

Oh dear that sounds like a tough day for you and mum. Such a shame she was upset, its so hard to see isnt it. It sounds like you did your best to make her feel better and succeeded quite a lot too x
Hopefully she will have been reassured by the carer she liked being there and not having left too and the tour will hopefully have reassured her things are still the same. Hope the injured resident is ok and back soon too x

 

[Bikerbeth]

Needed a break from here for a few days and read some fiction instead.
Due to an issue with a ‘banging pipe’ in her room Mum had slept in an empty room near the nurses station. She said she preferred it as it was bigger and lighter (it was exactly the same as her room but mirror image) As she had mentioned wanting to move rooms before I asked if she wanted to move into this one permanently and she said Yes. Fortunately it was free so Monday afternoon we moved all her possessions into the new room. She was happy with this. We did get told off by one of the other residents as she thought we were stealing stuff. Carers said she was a little confused on Tuesday but mainly due to where she had put various items in the room. When I went to visit Wednesday she was still fortunately happy with the new room and she wanted to go out and get a new duvet cover to match her new room. So off we trundled and even better she thought they both looked really good in her new room. Had lunch with 2 ladies (non dementia) in the main restaurant and Mum was on good form. Happy smiling Mum.
Big change today. Arrived as Mum was finishing her breakfast and I could tell she was agitated as she was glancing around furtively. She also had 2 big bruises on her hand which the carer said were not there yesterday and there were no notes from the night staff but she would check at this evenings handover. Went to Mum’s room with her and she started telling me that the staff had come in at 2am and rubbed stuff on her feet. Then she was saying that they told her they had brought a blanket to put over her husband’s feet and she thought that was really wicked of them as he had been dead for 20 years and they knew that. Then she was crying and saying she wanted to drown herself. Once she calmed a little I suggested we go out so I thought she should have a shower and get changed. She said she had had a shower but I said in that case she needed her slippers washed as she had really smelly feet. She did giggle and reluctantly had a shower. Hurrah I think the first Shower in a few days. We headed out to a nearby country park that we had not been to before, but suddenly like a switch being turned the paranoia kicked in. Where are you taking me? Someone is trying to hurt me. Why are we going down this lane? Etc etc. I said if I am scaring you I will take you back to the home. At this point she said she knew I loved her and would not hurt her but somebody was and she was scared. Managed to drive to a garden centre that Mum is familiar with. I let her talk and cry it all out of her system. Much calmer we managed to have a sandwich and cake there and she happily chatted away. Headed back to the care home and had some more tea in the reception/cafe area watching the visitors come and go and she seemed settled again. Mum then wanted to go for a walk so we just went for a short one but when we got back to her room the paranoia came back but not as strong. Fortunately one of the Carers came to take her off for tea. Hopefully the bacon buttie she ordered might have cheered her up again. Must admit I feel exhausted today.

 

[annielou]

Oh that sounds awful poor mum and poor you, I bet you feel wiped out. I feel so helpless when mum is scared and upset and I can't make it better. It sounds like you did keep reassuring mum and calming her even though it came back later she did have some relief from the paranoia thanks to you and the carers. It's just so cruel though isn't it. How and why does someones brain come up with such things to upset them? it's not fair. I hope your mums paranoia goes and her mind gets a rest soon and you too X
Mum has had a few bruises and marks she thinks are burst blood vessels that sort of look like a bruise on the back of her hands in the last few months, she thinks she has banged them against door frames and bumped them in cupboard doors when doing things but is never too sure exactly what she did, it's hard when they can't remember what happened to tell us isn't it. I hope you and mum have a happier time of it soon X

 

[Bikerbeth]

thank you @annielou. Thinking back now. The care home activities coordinator takes loads of photos of the residents. We had originally refused permission for them to be posted on social media sites etc. However I have now agreed to FB as I realised the benefits of seeing what she was doing.
Today when we were sitting in the garden centre car park I started showing her the photos of her with the PAT dog and at a cake decorating session and pictures of some of the other residents. I like to think that Mum then had enough to see that she did have happy times in the home or maybe it just distracted her enough.
It was horrible though when she was crying and begging me to take home (as in her old bungalow)

 

[rmabo]

Sweet tooth is a scientifically, proven symptom of mid-stage dementia. Perfectly 'normal' if you will.