Sugar in her coffee

[Sam Luvit]

My mum wouldn’t let things go either @Rosserk I’d walk into the room and get a mouthful of abuse. All I’d done was walk in.

Everyone tells you, it isn’t personal, but when all you have done is open a door and walk into a room .., it sure feels personal. But, over time I accepted I had to change. Mum couldn’t. So I’d just keep leaving and returning ... always smiling ... until she “forgot’ her anger and accepted a cup of tea, a piece of cake etc.

Whatever else I forgot to buy I never forgot cake

The remote, her glasses, the book she started this morning ... someone had moved them, hidden them, was playing games with her ... yes, I got blamed for them all. Rather than reacting as we normally wouId, I had to change that to “oh, let me see if I can find them”. Yes I knew she had put them somewhere and forgotten, but it was pointless telling her that because she ‘knew”, it wasn’t her.

Although it feels like she’s doing it deliberately, it looks like it, actually she has moved the remote / book / etc and forgotten.

In her mind. She did not move it. Therefore “someone” else did. Hence the aggression.

Until I managed to step into mums world, where she was right, it wasn’t going to change. I know it feels like it’s against everything you believe in, it is the only way I could get any peace.

 

[Rosserk]

My mum wouldn’t let things go either @Rosserk I’d walk into the room and get a mouthful of abuse. All I’d done was walk in.

Everyone tells you, it isn’t personal, but when all you have done is open a door and walk into a room .., it sure feels personal. But, over time I accepted I had to change. Mum couldn’t. So I’d just keep leaving and returning ... always smiling ... until she “forgot’ her anger and accepted a cup of tea, a piece of cake etc.

Whatever else I forgot to buy I never forgot cake

The remote, her glasses, the book she started this morning ... someone had moved them, hidden them, was playing games with her ... yes, I got blamed for them all. Rather than reacting as we normally wouId, I had to change that to “oh, let me see if I can find them”. Yes I knew she had put them somewhere and forgotten, but it was pointless telling her that because she ‘knew”, it wasn’t her.

Although it feels like she’s doing it deliberately, it looks like it, actually she has moved the remote / book / etc and forgotten.

In her mind. She did not move it. Therefore “someone” else did. Hence the aggression.

Until I managed to step into mums world, where she was right, it wasn’t going to change. I know it feels like it’s against everything you believe in, it is the only way I could get any peace.

It’s so extremely difficult not to lose patience. I am in awe of people who manage strategies to deal with the behaviours. I wish I could do better but I am absolutely rubbish. Thank you for your wonderful advice I will definitely try harder.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Lol!! Hilarious. I’m hammering the vodka!

Bit of a Vodka fan myself

 

[Bikerbeth]

Arrived this morning and Mum opened the front door and told me to be very careful where I walked as she had lost her glasses. So I walked carefully and told her I would help her find them. Looked down the side of the chairs, around the chairs in the lounge, bathroom and in her bedroom, through her drawers in case they were hidden safely whilst reassuring Mum that they were definitely not on the floor and I would not tread on them. Told Mum I would put the kettle on having driven for a couple of hours and then we could continue looking for them. Yes you have guessed it. Glasses next to kettle in kitchen.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Trip up to the cafe manned by a great lot of volunteers where they had musical movies memories which Mum enjoyed and off to her favourite cafe for lunch. On returning home she asked if I would return the 2 pairs of PJ’s she had to have last week as she no longer likes them. Went to get them and then noticed that the tablets in the dossett pack for this Saturday and Sunday were missing. Spoke to pharmacy and then Doctors to see if there was an issue if she had double dosed and to get replacements. This is the first time this has happened since she has had a dossett pack (about 5 months) so trying not to worry too much at this point. Hope tomorrow is a better day

 

[Bikerbeth]

@Rosserk yes I also need to learn that patience and learn to enter Mum’s world as Sam advised. Good luck to both of us as I think we will need it

 

[Rosserk]

@Rosserk yes I also need to learn that patience and learn to enter Mum’s world as Sam advised. Good luck to both of us as I think we will need it

I think you’re doing an amazing job! At least you managed to find your mums glasses and take her out to lunch. When my mum hides things they stay hidden until of course they miraculously reappear! She’s still insisting on smashing someone’s face in, hopefully it won’t be mine.

Today she also wanted to know who the two women were who have moved into the upstairs bedroom. She insist they are there and nothing can persuade her otherwise!

 

[Bikerbeth]

I think you’re doing an amazing job! She’s still insisting on smashing someone’s face in, hopefully it won’t be mine.

Today she also wanted to know who the two women were who have moved into the upstairs bedroom. She insist they are there and nothing can persuade her otherwise!

Thank you but I think at this point in time I have it easy. Generally 2 days a week and daily phone calls whereas you have 24/7 and aggression. Sending hugs and I hope the ‘2 women upstairs’ move out again

 

[vicx]

It is a real tonic reading these posts. My mum has been told she's pre diabetic, oddly she has memories of not being allowed to eat sweet things,although continues to. She is losing dentures, handbag and purse on daily basis now. It's either a burglar or poltergeist according to her. Unfortunately, once you would find her dentures hidden somewhere in a pot of water, now she doesn't bother with the water or pot. It's amazing the ingenious ways she has it hiding them, we are all accused of stealing her teeth (because we all want to be wearing mums dentures).
So it continues, the sadness for me are those moments she has of why these things are happening and what's wrong with her. I can cope with the not knowing I'm her daughter, even that has become a problem. As she doesn't always remember her children, she worries she didn't do right by us, and who was our father and did he know he was your father, and did you know he was your father. These are daily conversations, it's a cruel disease.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So it continues, the sadness for me are those moments she has of why these things are happening and what's wrong with her. I can cope with the not knowing I'm her daughter, even that has become a problem. As she doesn't always remember her children, she worries she didn't do right by us, and who was our father and did he know he was your father, and did you know he was your father. These are daily conversations, it's a cruel disease.

Yes that is so sad. Mum will have a little cry at least once I am with her and she says ‘I know I am only going to get worse’. Breaks my heart. It is indeed a cruel disease.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Today’s lessons
1. So today we got up and played hunt the glasses. They were found safe in their case wrapped in a scarf in her top drawer. I let Mum have a shower first, then we have breakfast together. Then I have my shower/dress etc. I am Half way through drinking my coffee when the phone rings. Her hairdresser reminding Mum that her appointment is in 30 mins. The same appointment that Mum had told me had been cancelled and moved to next week. Lesson 1 - always check appointments. Basic lesson I should know by now.
2. Mum asked if I could look at her gutters as they were leaking badly when it rained. Fortunately she lives in a bungalow. Up the step ladder I go and check all the guttering - all clear. Ask Mum to show me exactly where it is overflowing. Mum shows me an area on the driveway about 10’ foot away from the house that apparently is always really wet when it rains Again I should really know how to ask the right questions to find out what the real problem is. I blame it on the earlier caffeine deprivation
On the positive note a friend came by and brought her a bunch of flowers. Although not a florist she had been taught flower arranging as a young housewife and once displayed the flowers looked fantastic in the vase. She even gave me a lesson as she arranged them.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So this morning the phone call from Mum started with a ‘sheet’ crisis as none of the sheets matched in colour. More worryingly was when she told me she had got up in the middle of the night as there was a large glowing disc of light on the carpet which she tried to cover up and then mentioned a man walking around the house which she did not like. She said she remembers getting up and sorting out the light but was not sure if it was a bad dream or just this horrible illness she has
I have booked an appointment at the Doctors and asked for a review as the hallucinations seem to be increasing - she certainly tells me more of them up to now she has not been worried about them. Fortunately came up to stay with her this evening so hopefully I have managed to reassure her a little

 

[Rosserk]

So this morning the phone call from Mum started with a ‘sheet’ crisis as none of the sheets matched in colour. More worryingly was when she told me she had got up in the middle of the night as there was a large glowing disc of light on the carpet which she tried to cover up and then mentioned a man walking around the house which she did not like. She said she remembers getting up and sorting out the light but was not sure if it was a bad dream or just this horrible illness she has
I have booked an appointment at the Doctors and asked for a review as the hallucinations seem to be increasing - she certainly tells me more of them up to now she has not been worried about them. Fortunately came up to stay with her this evening so hopefully I have managed to reassure her a little

Mum my is exactly the same! She’s convinced there’s two women living in one of my spare bedrooms! Doctor prescribed lorazepam which seemed to really help.

 

[Bikerbeth]

@Rosserk thanks that is useful to know. Glad I made the GP appointment. I also have a telco appointment with her Doctor for the week before so I can explain. Fingers crossed

 

[Bikerbeth]

So today we started our overnight trip to see Mum’s sister. After assuring me last night that her packing was done and was fine, this morning she told me it was like a jumble sale and could I help her pack properly. Saved me having to find a subtle way to check what she had packed. It was such a shame though as Mum was so excited to be seeing her younger sister but sister just wanted to talk to me. I tried to keep Mum involved in the conversation but she ended up sulking and told me that it seemed Aunt did not want to talk to her. I think Aunt who has vascular dementia finds it hard to understand Mum whose speech is becoming increasingly creative when she can’t find the right word and is also beginning to come out with totally random sentences. Aunt has been really ill earlier in the year following several falls and ended up in hospital and had several UTI’s so physically much frailer than Mum but is still able to cook a meal and make a sandwich etc. Fortunately they both had an afternoon nap which stopped them both fighting for my attention. Went out for an early evening meal which they both enjoyed especially the puddings. Left Aunt being put to bed by the carer and me and Mum headed to the hotel. I had come to the hotel earlier to check out the rooms we had been allocated. (Not sharing as Mum snores so loudly and can be heard above earplugs) fortunately they are next door to each other and the floor boards creak outside both rooms and we are at the end of a corridor so hopefully if Mum exits the bedroom instead of entering the bathroom I will hear the creaking. Anyway she is now all settled in her room with PJ’s on. Fingers crossed for a peaceful night.

 

[Bikerbeth]

The overnight stay went without further incident. She was fully dressed and knocking on my door at 6.15am saying she had lost her glasses and that there was a breakfast tray in her room. I suggested that she went back to her room and make a cup of tea, read her magazine and I would come and help her find her glasses in one hour. Managed to doze for an hour before getting up. Mum was happy in her room reading her magazine and her bags all packed when I went in and made her a cuppa. So after my worry that she might wake up confused in the middle of the night it all went brilliantly. A fairly good morning with Aunt but I think they both got too much for each other so Mum and me left after an early sandwich lunch. Mum slept in the car on the journey back and Aunt apparently had a slightly longer than normal afternoon kip. Just so glad that they have seen each other as Aunt was so frail last time she was in hospital

 

[Cat27]

I’m glad it all went well @Bikerbeth.

 

[Sarasa]

Glad it went well @Bikerbeth. As to the conversation between the three of you, both my mother and my mother in law seem to find holding a conversation with more than one person tricky, I guess it's all part of the progression of the disease.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So I collected Mum today and brought her down to my house for a few days. She agreed to have a look at some care homes near me. Mum is aware ‘she is going to get worse’ and so I suggested that we go and look at some so she has agreed. My conversations have basically reassured her that we are just exploring options for the future. Fingers crossed that the visits are positive. All 3 came recommended with 2 saying she can have lunch there and join in activities if she wants and the third has offered a coffee morning and activity.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So care home 1. Mum liked the appearance of the place and the rooms. However she gave limited replies to the care home manager over coffee and when he showed us around. He did not really engage with Mum and nor did the staff we met. I am not sure if it was deliberate but we were left with 2 of the residents to have lunch. To be fair they both seemed to like the place and said the staff were caring and they liked them but both said it seemed short of staff at the weekend- the manager to be fair said they were still recruiting before the ‘wing’ fully opened. Mum by this time was not talking at all. I asked the residents about activities to which I was told keep fit and knitting - the gentlemen said they were interested in neither! One of the staff said they were trying to raise funds for a mini bus to make trips out easier. No list of activities was provided in the info pack they gave us. The home did have a ‘good’ report and is meant to be dementia specialist. I am not sure what I expected but I thought maybe a little more engagement.
So ended up with a very stroppy Mother who said I should have involved her more in the process of choosing them before visiting- I had but she had forgotten.
She did finally agree to see the one tomorrow- will be interesting to see if it is different and how.