1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    How I hate still being awake at this time of night. Carer coming at 7.30 then the drive home for 24 hours to catch up there before coming back. Just wanted a whinge
     
  2. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    122
    Female
    it good to have a 'whinge' and totally allowed!
    i dont know how you manage it all with the added stress of the distance and travel back and to, on top of all you have to do. where do people pull all their energies from
    i have the person i care for living with me. the traveling you have to do adds another level to the care. afe trip and hope you find time to relax in your 24 hours!
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    @silver'lantern - it is strange, I always think it must be harder for those who have the person they care for at their own home. I guess it all depends at what stage the person is at.
     
  4. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    So it will be Mum’s 90th on Thursday. We had a lunch out for immediate family on Saturday coming from different parts of the country so we do not see each other often. Mum upset as her sister could not make it due to being in hospital following fall resulting in broken wrist. Very noticeable that Mum found it hard to follow the conversations but also quite annoying that when Mum did try and join in they often did not give her a moment or 3 to get her words together. With Mum and Aunt both having dementia I was surprised. Brother brought Mum’s Christmas presents down ‘as they don’t know where she will be this year’. I guess Mum is not invited up to them!!!! Mind you I had already asked Mum wanted she wanted to do which was to come to me and for my OH to cook a Roast chicken dinner with stuffing and Yorkshire puddings with Xmas pud to follow. Apologies for being Christmas up already:oops:
     
  5. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,774
    Female
    I hope your mother enjoyed her birthday, shame about her sister. I think when people don't regularly deal with dementia, they don't know how best to react. They probably think they are helping by stopping them from struggling - or maybe they just don't have the patience.

    I don't know how many of the residents in my mother's CH go to a relative for Christmas, possibly a few but I doubt most of them would function very well out of the CH routine. I went on Christmas Eve and I didn't notice anyone missing at that point.
     
  6. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    Thanks @Sirena that is useful to know as we are hoping that Mum will be in a home by Xmas. I guess the Admin person I was talking to at one was mainly referring to people in the ordinary residential part. Letting Mum decide on Christmas lunch made her smile and that was the best
     
  7. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    571
    Hi @Bikerbeth. I'd play it by ear about what you do at Christmas. If your mum is in a care home by then I think taking her out would only confuse her. If she isn't be prepared for things to be tricky if you do take her to your place. My mum loved her Christmases at my brothers, and last year had invited her herself there by August, but when it came to it, she couldn't cope. There were quite a few of us there and she got very confused as to who we all were, she found the stairs tricky and was convinced we were deliberately freezing her. She thought my sister in law and her sister were the 'nice ladies' that had been paid to help for a start Then she thought her knees ached from the cold, when it was actually going up and down stairs, so assumed we were keeping the heating down to upset her. We weren't, we were all in t-shirts, while she had multiple layers and a hot water bottle.Dealing with a screaming mother was not fun, specially with a child in the house. This year she is in a home, hasn't mentioned Christmas yet, and even if she does there is no way I'm taking her out. What we will do is take her for a nice pub lunch between Christmas and New Year with as many of the family that can make it.
    Glad you went out for a meal for your mum's birthday. I know how tricky it can be with a person with dementia when there are a few people to talk to. One of the first things I noticed with mum, before I realised she had dementia, was her inability to follow a conversation between a group of people. I thought she was being self-centred and rude, when in reality leading the conversation was the only way she could make sense of it all.
     
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,273
    Female
    Chester
    My mum blamed it on her hearing but stopped wanting to go our for meals, and then could only cope if spoken to directly, and turned every bit of conversation round to herself or what she would have done in the same position (not great with small children).

    This was long before I realised she has dementia and was a very difficult phase to deal with as it came across as belittling the children when they told her about something they had done.

    I don't know how many homes you have your mum's name down for but reading your posts your mum is struggling when you aren't visiting, so maybe ring round and find out where she is on the list of each one and maybe add some more. I know you have sought your mum's approval of each home but particularly with the medication issues you need somewhere she is safe.
     
  9. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,774
    Female
    I agree, play it by ear, you aren't sure where she will be at Christmas or how she will be feeling. An alternative option for Christmas day might be for you to go to the CH and have dinner with her. My friend did this, she let them know in advance and I think she paid for her meal.

    Anyway that's a little way into the future, and I agree with @jugglingmum I'd try to expedite things if you can.
     
  10. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    @Sirena and @jugglingmum. Now I have a feel for what she does and does not like when we have gone round I am just taking her to one more tomorrow that was arranged a while ago. She is close to the top of the list for the 2 very good ones. Both charity ones with a very good reputation locally. The average to good one think they may have a space in November but in the residential part. There is a new one opening at the end of November which I will see a ‘sister’ place this week. Looking at ratings/feedback for the others in the group they are all positive and they will have a space. Not sure if a new one would be an issue. Not sure about the one we are visiting tomorrow. Although it seemed to tick a lot of boxes it did not have many activities going on. They did advise they were recruiting for 2 activities coordinators - one for residential and one for the dementia wing. It just seemed so lifeless compared to the others. I know Mum won’t want to be on the go all the time but ....... mum will have lunch with some of the other residents so it will be interesting to see what happens.
    Do you think I need to go for more? Upping the visits from the carers to do the meds is working currently so I hoped that would give me a little more time.
     
  11. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    Yes we will play it by ear. Mum has been down to mine for the last 5 years as the last time she went to my brothers she did not like it. It just would have been nice of him to ask. For various reasons it would only be the 3 of us so she might have a better time in a care home :p
     
  12. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,774
    Female
    If it's working okay for the time being then I agree it sounds as if you've got a bit of leeway - if she's near the top of the list for the two favourites that's good news.

    When I viewed care homes I went by how it felt when I walked in - my mother's CH felt welcoming, staff were cheerful and the residents seemed contented. Trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
     
  13. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,594
    One of the things helped me choose Mum's Care home was that as I walked up the path I could hear people laughing. I thought it would be a good sound for residents to hear
     
  14. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    People laughing - That is so obvious and so easy to overlook. One of the very good ones I was able to see some activities going on. One lady was not joining in and the staff quickly picked up on it, although I could not hear they seemed to try several tactics. Eventually one of the staff gave her a ‘toy’ cat to cuddle and just sat by her. But you are right Susan the group were laughing and the lady with the cat was smiling
     
  15. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,594
    I visited 14 care homes and quite a few of them were eager to tell me that they kept everyone nice and quiet. Some insisting on talking to me about money even though I asked to see the lounge first ( 3 times). In one the chairs were so far apart residents couldn't possibly hear each other ( although they did have an Elvis look a like singing!) and one was £150 more expensive when I arrived than the price quoted on the phone.
     
  16. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,273
    Female
    Chester
    If you think this is working then you might be right. I think I was a bit concerned that they might have spaces soon is a how long is a piece of string .....

    I have seen several posters over the years say they have put names down and when a place has come up said not quite yet, but once at the top of the list you get offered every place. The new routine might last a few months or longer, but the travelling through winter is going to be hard on you.

    There is every chance something should come up before the end of February. My mum is in sheltered extra care flat (would need a care home if she wasn't already settled in ) and they said they always have vacancies in winter - as I was looking at the end of March they said once the flats available went I might have to wait until next winter.
     
  17. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    Thank you for your concern. With none having beds available now obviously no time scales can be given except for the one that should be available mid:end Nov. One thing I am now clear on in my own mind is that if we get the phone call saying a room is available then Mum will be going. I am also ringing once a fortnight just to remind them I am still looking. The changes in the last few weeks are significant and when I read threads like Palerider it is incredible how quickly the situation can change. Thank you for your comments they are certainly helpful. I still wonder how you do it all when I read your posts
     
  18. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    396
    Bedford
    From the Phone calls I have had with Mum and notes from ‘Carer’s’ it has not been a good few days. Mum unable to find her front door key 3 times this week - once it was in her hand. The other times the carers were able to find them after Mum let them in through the back door. The little cat bell on the key does not help Mum but does identify the key for the Carers. However concerned that one carer told Mum she must leaves keys in the doors. What Carer does not realise is that then nobody could easily access house if Mum has a fall as can only have one key in the lock at any time. Also sure any thief could obtain the key via the letter box as porch door has clear glass and could be seen. Even worse Thur to Sun tablets had gone missing from old blister pack so different carer just started to use the new pack. Wondering if I would have got a phone call if I did not have access to their logs. I think I should have been made aware by a phone call. Going for the day tomorrow so will see if I can find missing tablets. Don’t think Mum has taken then but you never know. Will take small safe up with me and tablets will be kept in there from now on
     
  19. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    189
    Male
    Hi @Bikerbeth, have you thought of a key safe discreetly installed outside of the property to hold a spare key so that the carers can let themselves in - I had one installed for Mum, it worked really well (Mum struggled physically to get to the door) and it is secure?
     
  20. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,690
    Whinge away - I actually decided last night that I wouldn’t go on TP but watched the food channel! Between dementia dog ( old est mutt pulling the curtain rail & curtains out of the wall at 3am! The regular trips to let dementia dog out to go to the toilet, waking up stressed at what ridiculousness the home will come up with today I really sympathise.

    sometimes life just feels too daunting to continue, but we don’t have a choice really

    take care driving the weather is awful

    ((((((hugs))))))
     

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