Sugar in her coffee

[Bikerbeth]

Yes @jennifer1967 that is what the Manager said to me almost apologetically. Unfortunately the ‘temp’ manager @Sarasa is already manager at one of the other homes in the group but came in to create some stability at Mum’s. He expects to be there until June at least (so hopefully they already have someone but they have had to give in their notice)
Thanks @annielou it must be so frustrating to know what you are saying is rubbish when you are trying to communicate something serious and important to you. I guess the closest is when you are in a foreign country and don’t know the language

 

[slim-jim]

Yes, obsessing about the neighbours for sure, 'why aren't they home from work yet, its late'. Inappropriate comments loudly about peoples appearance, size. Hiding things, purse, handbag, keys, glasses.

My mum has so many, that its only being on here that I have realised

• Walking behind me, I slowed, she slowed, I stopped, she stopped ( possibly unaware where we were going)
• Eating sweet stuff ( 6 cream eggs in 2 days - I had never seem mum eat chocolate at all at this time)
• Started drinking coffee after never drinking tea or coffee for about 30 years.
• Going to the bank and withdrawing large sums of money every week but still using card for all purchases
• Getting obsessed with money, checking bank statements over and over
• Stashing money around the house
• Started smoking !!!
• Hiding things, purse, hearing aid, glasses, bank statements then believing they had been stolen (often by me)
• Forgetting appointments/Restaurant plans, then accuse me of not telling her
• Declining or cancelling going out ( too tired/headache/just eaten etc etc)
• Complaining about ailments, feeling dizzy/lightheaded ( I think to divert conversation if it got difficult)
• Began obsessing about neighbours, exaggerating minor details into dramas
• Saying things in exactly the same way, same words, when telling a story, or recounting a memory ( almost like a script) so much so I could almost tell it along side her.
• Inappropriate comments, made loudly in quiet rooms ( doctors surgery 'they dont even look sick, why are they wasting time here' restaurant ' those children should learn how to behave, its the parents fault' ) very out of character.
• changing history....and being adamant she wasnt wrong...this was a hard one to 'let go' for me, till I realised what the problem was and caused so many disagreements between us
• Eating the same food over and over again, while still buying the same varied things she always did but then throwing it away or pushing it to the back of the cupboard.

The walking behind you was interesting as my wife walks very slowly and although I hold her hand and she walks with a stick always tending to be just behind me. I said when we got home I would make her comfortable in the house and I would go for a brisk walk.I couldn't b elieve what happened next as she said I can walk faster and speeded up like I had not seen for a long time.she obviously did not want to be left at home.A damaged brain works in strange ways.

 

[slim-jim]

My Mum also started to have a sweet tooth. After a lifetime of no sugar in tea she started taking artificial sweetener. Also, after a lifetime of having to be frugal with electricity, she would leave a room and leave the lights on so the whole house was lit up.

I am constantly following my wife round the house switching off lights and closing doors,draws and putting away things just left laying around ready to be tripped up over.if I mention any of these the standard answer is ."I was just going to do that"

 

[Bikerbeth]

I had a phone call from the nurse at the CH saying that Mum had trapped her finger between table and chair and it was bleeding but Mum would not let anyone look at it and just wrapped a tissue around it. They were able to look at it later as it continued to bleed. When I saw her the next day on a window visit it was bandaged but looking rather tatty as she kept fiddling with it. Fortunately this time she had accepted some pain killers. Mum was in a grumpy mood, maybe due to pain in finger, but although she was muddled she did imply finger was not painful. So maybe just grumpy. Not a lot of the conversation made sense and she did keep referring to her 2 boys ( she only has 1 son but since first lockdown she seems to think she has 2 sons). I think I have also gone as her daughter as more and more she thinks I am her sister. I think it goes down as an OK visit.
Sorry little moan. I know so much worse is going on in Homes, but it seems that the Activities Coordinator has almost given up on the Dementia residents. I know she said she was finding it hard to get them involved in anything but on the homes FB page you never see them participating in any activities except the occasional birthday celebration. I accept it must be very challenging and I know Mum rarely participated in events but it just leaves me wondering what they do all day. I suppose a subject for the next residents meeting.

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry it was only an OK visit, is it worth phoning up to talk to the activities co-ordinator directly about what she plans with dementia residents?
My mother's home has three activities co-ordinators including one who does more one to one activities with the dementia patients. It might be worth asking if that's what the activities co-ordinator is doing at your mother's home. Facebook is always full of pictures of the same residents, but I was sent a photo of my mum looking cheerful with a glass of prosecco the other day, and they've promised me there will be some special activity for her birthday. I notice they've taken to having singers sing for residents in the pod, so maybe they'll get her favourite Elvis or Sinatra impersonator in.
Sorry that your mum is losing you as her daughter. My mother would always introduce me as her daughter then ask me how my mother was. She was always asking about my sister too, and I don't have one, but mum did. I wondered if she somehow thought I was her.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thanks @Sarasa i have spoken to her directly which is when she said she w.as struggling with the residents with dementia. I think the reasons why she is so good in some ways is also the reason it does not work with some residents. She is full of enthusiasm - ‘a bouncy tiger type person’ but not so good on the quiet reassuring side. I know Mum does not like her for this very reason unfortunately.
I know there are scheduled one to one sessions but I get the feeling Mum probably tells her to go away. Mum used to like helping on reception but that has not been allowed over the last 12 months.
How is you house move coming along?

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thanks @Sarasa i have spoken to her directly which is when she said she w.as struggling with the residents with dementia. I think the reasons why she is so good in some ways is also the reason it does not work with some residents. She is full of enthusiasm - ‘a bouncy tiger type person’ but not so good on the quiet reassuring side. I know Mum does not like her for this very reason unfortunately.
I know there are scheduled one to one sessions but I get the feeling Mum probably tells her to go away. Mum used to like helping on reception but that has not been allowed over the last 12 months.
How is you house move coming along?

 

[Sarasa]

The main activities co-ordinator is very bouncy and wears very memorable clothes and make up. The one that does one to ones is much more low key. The manager gets dressed up in a combat onesie and headband (or at least he did pre-covid) to run boot camp exercise sessions, well as boot camp as you can get sitting in a chair and waving your arms and legs about. Mum used to think it was really good fun, though she hated the art sessions with a passion. Maybe as your mum's home gets more residents they'll expand the staff doing activities and the range and they'll be something for your mum?
House move is crawling along at a snail's pace, but it is still happening. We can't wait to move, but are trying not to get too excited.

 

[anxious annie]

I hope your mum's finger is healing @Bikerbeth . I would imagine it could have been that contributing to your visit not being as good as previous ones. Hoping you will be able to have an indoor visit soon. I'd asked mum's care home manager if they would be starting indoor visits from the 8th March and shed replied saying she hoped to, just waiting on new guidance and head office agreement. She did say she wasn't sure how often these would be due to staff time taken up with testing and extra cleaning. Still, hopefully a step in the right direction.
It' a shame about your mum not joining in with the activities currently on offer. Perhaps it is worth another call, and mention lack of photos, it may make the coordinator think about how she could be more engaged.

 

[Bikerbeth]

The good news on the Tuesday visit was that finger was unbandaged and was just a time scab or as Mum put it ‘I don’t know why they drew a bumpy line on my finger’
Mum was having problems hearing me behind the screen. I think her ears had got waxy as she would rub them and say they were a bit better when the ‘crackles’ went so I mentioned to staff afterwards.
I think she was a bit low as she did not chatter as much and certainly was not grumpy.
Last night I received a phone call from the home telling me Mum had had a fall and hit her head whilst walking in a corridor. They were waiting for the ambulance to arrive as Mum is on anti coagulant medication and she was also ‘nursing’ her left hand. They asked if I would be willing to go to the hospital so I said Yes of course.
Phone call an hour later Mum is refusing to go in the ambulance - all she wants to do is go to bed. They ask me to speak to her and I tried to persuade her without success. I spoke to the paramedic and they were concerned about her head due to above. I spoke to staff and I said I would come to the home if they would let me speak to her in the ‘visiting area’. Got half way there and they rang to say she was heading to the ambulance. Well done to whoever persuaded her (will try and find out today) So I diverted to hospital. Met the ambulance outside A&E (originally I had been told by ambulance staff I would not be allowed into hospital due to policy - how wicked is that but to be fair they did not know originally how much support Mum needs) but then the paramedics did realise that Mum did need support and the A&E staff had no problems with it. Fortunately they had agreed to take her to the hospital nearest me who seem very dementia friendly (rather than the bigger teaching hospital which I think is a bit stricter) Apart from a desperate need to go to the toilet on arrival Mum was actually fine herself although a bit teary understandably. For someone who has always been impatient she was remarkably patient.
The result was a minor fracture to her left wrist (unfortunately she is left handed), a bit of a cut on her elbow but the brain scan was all clear which was good. She is now is a plaster cast. Of course this means she will go in their quarantine ‘wing’. The good thing about the home being new is one of the floors is empty so they use it for quarantining. So Mum will at least be able to leave her ‘temp’ room and go into a lounge area. Obviously the bad is that she is isolated again. On the basis that the cast removal will require a trip back to the hospital and perhaps one more I am dreading that it might be a long stay on her own. I hope the home will let me visit more on that basis.
Mum remained calm in the hospital. Though every time we saw someone eg, triage nurse, nurse who took her for X-ray she would say ‘right are we off then’ but when I would say No we need to wait for results she was fine about it.
fortunately Mum took the time to have a chatter to me (mainly nonsensical) which did keep me awake as we were there from 10pm until 3am. I think if she had slept I would have found it harder to stay awake myself so that was a blessing. We did have about 5 different versions of the accident.
Rang Care Home up at 3am to say I was bringing her back and initially they sounded surprised as they had expected her to stay in hospital, (at least they had packed her a small bag with pj’s and change of clothes) turns out they were short staffed and obviously then having Mum go into quarantine and needing a carer in there 1:1 it was pushing them to the limit. To be fair to the all the staff at the home, they were excellent. We did have to wait in the car for 5 mins whilst they got sorted and it was the only time Mum got grumpy - I think by that time she was getting tired and cold (despite car heating on full blast) as we could not get her cardi and coat done up properly.

 

[jennifer1967]

The good news on the Tuesday visit was that finger was unbandaged and was just a time scab or as Mum put it ‘I don’t know why they drew a bumpy line on my finger’
Mum was having problems hearing me behind the screen. I think her ears had got waxy as she would rub them and say they were a bit better when the ‘crackles’ went so I mentioned to staff afterwards.
I think she was a bit low as she did not chatter as much and certainly was not grumpy.
Last night I received a phone call from the home telling me Mum had had a fall and hit her head whilst walking in a corridor. They were waiting for the ambulance to arrive as Mum is on anti coagulant medication and she was also ‘nursing’ her left hand. They asked if I would be willing to go to the hospital so I said Yes of course.
Phone call an hour later Mum is refusing to go in the ambulance - all she wants to do is go to bed. They ask me to speak to her and I tried to persuade her without success. I spoke to the paramedic and they were concerned about her head due to above. I spoke to staff and I said I would come to the home if they would let me speak to her in the ‘visiting area’. Got half way there and they rang to say she was heading to the ambulance. Well done to whoever persuaded her (will try and find out today) So I diverted to hospital. Met the ambulance outside A&E (originally I had been told by ambulance staff I would not be allowed into hospital due to policy - how wicked is that but to be fair they did not know originally how much support Mum needs) but then the paramedics did realise that Mum did need support and the A&E staff had no problems with it. Fortunately they had agreed to take her to the hospital nearest me who seem very dementia friendly (rather than the bigger teaching hospital which I think is a bit stricter) Apart from a desperate need to go to the toilet on arrival Mum was actually fine herself although a bit teary understandably. For someone who has always been impatient she was remarkably patient.
The result was a minor fracture to her left wrist (unfortunately she is left handed), a bit of a cut on her elbow but the brain scan was all clear which was good. She is now is a plaster cast. Of course this means she will go in their quarantine ‘wing’. The good thing about the home being new is one of the floors is empty so they use it for quarantining. So Mum will at least be able to leave her ‘temp’ room and go into a lounge area. Obviously the bad is that she is isolated again. On the basis that the cast removal will require a trip back to the hospital and perhaps one more I am dreading that it might be a long stay on her own. I hope the home will let me visit more on that basis.
Mum remained calm in the hospital. Though every time we saw someone eg, triage nurse, nurse who took her for X-ray she would say ‘right are we off then’ but when I would say No we need to wait for results she was fine about it.
fortunately Mum took the time to have a chatter to me (mainly nonsensical) which did keep me awake as we were there from 10pm until 3am. I think if she had slept I would have found it harder to stay awake myself so that was a blessing. We did have about 5 different versions of the accident.
Rang Care Home up at 3am to say I was bringing her back and initially they sounded surprised as they had expected her to stay in hospital, (at least they had packed her a small bag with pj’s and change of clothes) turns out they were short staffed and obviously then having Mum go into quarantine and needing a carer in there 1:1 it was pushing them to the limit. To be fair to the all the staff at the home, they were excellent. We did have to wait in the car for 5 mins whilst they got sorted and it was the only time Mum got grumpy - I think by that time she was getting tired and cold (despite car heating on full blast) as we could not get her cardi and coat done up properly.

their bones are so delicate. i hope your mum gets better soon and her wrist heals properly. nice that your mum was calm with you. you must be a source of comfort to her

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry to hear about your mum's fall, but tis sounds as though things went as well as they could in the hospital. I know when I had to accompany mum last year to A&E after she had a fall (pre-covid) she got pretty unmanageable by the end of it and I totally lost the plot. Sounds like you coped really well. I hope she doesn't mind isolation too much, and that she isn't there too long.

 

[Banjomansmate]

At least you have been able to spend time with your Mum even though not in the best circumstances and, possibly more importantly, she has been able to spend time with you.

 

[anxious annie]

Sorry to hear @Bikerbeth about your mum's fall, but pleased she agreed to go to hospital and get sorted out.
I thought that regulations had changed and residents only needed to be isolated if they have stayed on a hospital ward, not outpatients/A&E. This might be worth querying with your local Public Health Department.
I'm sure there was information on Rights for Residents or John's Campaign about this

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you @jennifer1967. Apparently the orthopaedic consultant will look at the X-rays on Monday and do a virtual call by the end of the week. At least the A&E consultants seemed to think it was all aligned and only a minor fracture. Fingers crossed it will at least be straight forward.
Thank you @Sarasa. I did wonder what would happen after our last visit to A&E. I think because she had no pain and no infection she was ok and remained calm rather than any skill on my part.
You are right @Banjomansmate I saw it as having some time with Mum and be able to hold her hand (she is not a huggy person). I did say to her at least I will be able to see you again when we have to come back to the hospital. I have told her we will stop in the ‘big park’ next time and drink a coffee ( all safely) and she did smile then.
Thank you @anxious annie. Good idea I will look into it. I am on the Right for Residents campaign FB page so I will see what I can find.
She is already asking where all the other people are.
I did ask if I could speak to her through the window for 5-10 mins and take some flowers and a card. I was told card and flowers were fine but they would not be able to open the window or door to Mum’s ‘temp’ bedroom downstairs that opens on to the car park as it was not an official visit as specified by local public health policy. I thought Mum seeing me through the window would be more upsetting for he4 than not seeing me at all.
I was not however going to ‘dispute’ this with the Senior Carer who stayed 2 hrs over her 12 hr shift trying to persuade Mum to go to hospital .
We will have a chat on Monday with the Manager

 

[Bikerbeth]

Good news first. Fracture clinic rang me and advised that the orthopaedic consultant has reviewed the X-ray and cannot find a break in Mum’s wrist.
Lovely nurse has managed to slot Mum in for tomorrow to have cast removed to as she was aware of quarantine periods in Care Homes and disagreed with them.

Now I just want a vent.
Most of the Care Home Staff are absolutely lovely.
Visits have been 30 mins with relative outside with 2m distance to relative who is behind a screen. There was a 3 week period when I could just go inside the room but screen and separation were still in place.
Care Home still have to announce new visiting policy under the new guidelines.

So I can spend 5 hrs with Mum Fri night/ Sat morning
I can also spent say 3 hours tomorrow at the hospital with Mum.
But Manager is not sure if I can have extra visits whilst Mum is in isolation. He has says it will be unlikely I can have indoor visits whilst Mum is in quarantine. He will see if it is feasible for me to have extra open window visits but will need to do a risk assessment and will let me know.
Apart from taking my temperature and signing a form it does not add to additional work load for staff.
Yet they want to publish on their Face Book the email I sent saying how brilliant 2 members of staff had been with Mum after her fall. I won’t stop them putting it on their FB page as the staff deserve it but it makes me angry when he has not come back to me today. We will see what is said tomorrow.
I have pulled together some information in case we need to have some more intense discussions.

 

[annielou]

That is frustrating about the visiting I'm not surprised you want a vent. It doesn't make sense really but then I don't think most of the visiting and isolation regulations do really. I know there has had to be some but I think lot of CH have made things too complicated. It's not fair. They have carer there with your mum in isolation so how hard would it be to open window a bit and let you stand at it for while and chat to mum an extra couple of times a week. It would probably make things easier for them too as mum would probably be less bored and happier and more entertained by your visit.
They are taking their time with the new guidelines, lots of care homes started inside visits today, though even they aren't great as yet are they. Good luck for tomorrow at hospital, hope you have time to take a slow route back to CH via a little detour to spend a bit more time with your mum and hope you get better news from CH soon. ?

 

[Bikerbeth]

That is frustrating about the visiting I'm not surprised you want a vent. It doesn't make sense really but then I don't think most of the visiting and isolation regulations do really. I know there has had to be some but I think lot of CH have made things too complicated. It's not fair. They have carer there with your mum in isolation so how hard would it be to open window a bit and let you stand at it for while and chat to mum an extra couple of times a week. It would probably make things easier for them too as mum would probably be less bored and happier and more entertained by your visit.
They are taking their time with the new guidelines, lots of care homes started inside visits today, though even they aren't great as yet are they. Good luck for tomorrow at hospital, hope you have time to take a slow route back to CH via a little detour to spend a bit more time with your mum and hope you get better news from CH soon. ?

Thanks @annielou. That is exactly what I don’t understand - they have a Carer in the isolation wing anyway.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So update
Took Mum to Fracture clinic. I am confused, based on yesterday’s phone call as apparently she has minor fractures in 2 bones in her wrist and will require a cast on it. I guess there is a difference between a break and a fracture.
mum very agitated from when I picked her up and got worse as time went on. Consultant was concerned about how swollen her fingers were and said her hand needed to be kept elevated. Not sure how successful that is going to be as she threatened to thump the member of staff who was trying to put it in a sling. When I tried later she was spitting venom at me and her eyes were really angry so again no success.
I have advised Home and can only hope that some staff might have more luck. She will have another appointment in 2 weeks so a further 14 days in isolation, then another appointment 4 to 6 weeks after that so another 14 day quarantine.
Asked Manager again about extra visits and he said blah blah understand but still got to speak to his manager etc etc.
He said he would get back to me this afternoon and I am still waiting. My poor Mum just does not understand any of this and the only 3 things she said with any clarity today was about thumping the member of staff, saying OH driving was rubbish (and she was right there) and that it was not her wrist which was broken but her heart ?
Also Care Home has now issued its official guidance regarding indoor visits, one hour to INCLUDE taking the LFT, signing forms, waiting for the results, registering the results etc so probably lucky to get 30 mins. Only 1 visit a week.
Alternatively you can a 1 hr visit with relative outside, resident inside and big screen between.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm so sorry that was such a stressful day for you your mum, and I guess your other half. As I said mum was awful last time I was in a hospital with her. The poor nurses got called all sorts of names an she hadn't a clue what she was supposed to be doing. It sounds a bit of a worry about her fingers, but I remember mine doing that when I broke my wrist badly as a child, I hope the swelling goes down soon, and there aren't more visits to A&E.
This whole visiting and how things is getting beyond a joke. I hope you get something sorted that enables you to see your mum on a regular basis while she's in quartantine.