Sugar in her coffee

[Sarasa]

I find the zoom meeting a bit annoying @bikebeth as it's the same people who want to get their gripes across every time. The manager and activities co-ordinator just want to talk about how great every thing is despite all the challenges of covid. None of that really tells me how mum is actually doing. This time they asked us to pop questions in the chat box. Several of us asked about the poor quality speakers in the visiting pod, but that wasn't really addressed. I'm going to have to brave another pod visit soon, and hope my husband doesn't mind coming along as my ears!
House moving is coming along slowly. We finally had someone round to do a survey on this place and we're having a dodgy floor checked at the place we want to buy. We've also agreed to buy a load of furniture, which is great as we're upsizing and the place would look a bit bare if we didn't.

 

[jennifer1967]

the manager should actually conduct the meeting that everyone gets a say and chair the meeting and make sure the questions are answered. wouldnt it be good if there was a rep for relatives who can speak about common problems and points of view to focus on relatives or visitors. the problem is the manager have an interest in the home so have to promote it.

 

[Bikerbeth]

That does sound a bit like our previous relatives meeting @Sarasa. There also seems to be ‘contrasting view points’ between relatives with residents with dementia and others. Pre covid relatives would mention issues and have a moan when you saw them in the home but would remain incredibly quiet in a residents meeting. The way of the world I guess. Will be interesting to see if anything is different with the new manager.
It must be very frustrating regarding the quality of the speakers in the visiting pod and you would think that would be a priority and they should at a minimum said they would look into seeing what they could do.
glad to hear the house moving is progressing albeit slowly. Sounds like a win win situation with the furniture.
I guess a ‘rep for relatives’ @jennifer1967 has a number of issues with organising as in terms of sharing contact details of relatives (GDPR) unfortunately. You are right though it does need a strong ‘chair’ as such to keep people on track and not go waffling on and ensuring everyone has a chance to say. Previously the manager at Mum’s care home asked for questions in advance which helped.

 

[jennifer1967]

thats a good approach as they know how much time to allocate to each question. there maybe the same issue keep getting raised so they know this is an important issue. couldnt the relatives use a website that has a link to the home for a rep to use so not personal details handed out. they could be anonymous then if they dont like speaking up which is daunting to some.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you @jennifer1967 for the ideas.
I had one angry, confused phone call with Mum on Saturday where she told me that ‘you lot are miserable devils not going to Mum’s funeral’. She told me she stood there on her own and felt really stupid as she didn’t have any money to buy any flowers.
unfortunately OH could only hear that Mum was angry and kept saying to me ‘ask her about making Apple pies’ thinking it would be a good distraction!
Fortunately she had settled by the end of the call.

Today I headed of for my weekly window visit. The staff member who brought Mum down to the visiting room signalled that she was not particularly happy.
After doing the usual enthusiastic ‘ hello, how lovely to see you etc’ I showed Mum some pictures of her great grandchild who was born yesterday. Brother and myself have frequently mentioned she would become a great grandma over the last 9 months. Unfortunately it is all to late. Trying to show Mum enlarged photos through a not very good screen did not help either. Mum did not recognise her grand daughter and therefore the baby did not mean anything to her. I guess as her reality now revolves round her Mum/Dad and grandparents (with me as her sister) then children and grandchildren do not fit in the picture. So sad that she does not remember my Dad either. It is still weird though that in the same visit Mum can complain that nobody came to her 100th birthday party (she is 91)
All known and expected and not new but still makes you feel sad

 

[Woo2]

It is very sad my mum doesn’t mention my dad at all and if he is mentioned (very rarely does anyone for fear of upsetting her ) she just looks blank.

 

[Bikerbeth]

The other week I met one of the Carers in the car park and we had a quick socially distanced chat where she said Mum had been dancing and had been happy.
Today when I rang up the Home I spoke to one of the receptionists. She asked me if Mum had done ball room dancing. I said I know back in the 60's Mum and Dad went to dinner/dances and that she knew how to waltz, quickstep etc. She told me that yesterday that Mum had been dancing in the afternoon with one of the carers and was smiling, laughing and happy. As Mum joins in very few organised activities she rarely appears in any of the FB pictures or if she does she is scowling in the background. I also only to tend to hear of the not so good incidents so it was lovely to learn of this. The receptionist said she will try and take some photos next time. i was just so pleased to hear that one of the carers has found 'something' Mum can do which makes her happy.

 

[jennifer1967]

it seems to finding the right key to unlock your mum. i hope she carries on dancing

 

[annielou]

Oh thats lovely. Its nice to hear about the things they do isn’t it. When my sister used to call CH about how mum was they didn't give many details bout what she'd been up to but when I was visiting in her room the last few weeks the carers used to talk about things mum did with them and it was lovely to hear that although mum didn’t really join in the organised activities much she did do stuff with carers including doing jigsaws with one and doing her hair for her.
There is a lot of dancing and singing in the CH mum was in, there is often videos of residents dancing with carers on FB and I saw it when I was going in and out to visit mum too.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I hope she carries on dancing too @jennifer1967. Until 1st lockdown we were walking about 2 miles together 3 times a week which she loved. Apart from a bit of arthritis in her knee she was fit for her age. Then we lockdown she just started sitting all the time so perhaps the dancing will keep her remaining mobility and use up some of her energy (as she was always on the go until about a year prior to diagnosis.
That must have been nice for you to hear too @annielou. I think we all worry that they are just ‘sitting doing nothing all day’.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Went off to visit Mum today. I was not sure how long I would stay based on the weather, although I had put on loads of thermal layers I was not sure how warm Mum would be. Mum looked tired and apparently had just finished her breakfast. I did describe the flowers I had brought her and she did smile. I also managed to talk about the subject of dancing with her. Some was coherent but other parts were very muddled. I struggle to find topics to talk about and I sometimes wonder if it is better to make things up as to what I have been doing but I don’t want to make her think I am off enjoying myself when she is ‘stuck in there’ (as she thinks I am her sister)
We did have a short moment of clarity when she knew me as daughter. However although she recognised my brothers name it was not meaningful to her. She also asked me how her boys were (she does still seem to think 2 sons)
At the end of the 40 mins they came to collect her and she was ok about it and seemed content to go off. She did ask me when I would be back to visit her and I said same place, same time next week and she smiled and said that would be nice. It was nice to see her relaxed and calm even if not particularly happy.
So another good visit

 

[annielou]

Glad it went ok. I used to struggle with mum and feel like if said we'd been up to things she'd be upset she was missing out, its hard to think what to say isn't it. Sounds like you did a good job with the visit and your mum was settled and not upset during the visit.

 

[anxious annie]

Glad you had another good visit with your mum @Bikerbeth . It's good that she was calm , tho I do get what you mean about finding topics to talk about. I'm just going to FaceTime my mum and know that we will chat about what we're wearing, the weather, what biscuit she's having with her cup of tea etc! Still, I do know that it will seem as if it's the first time we've spoken about this, so think it's more important that she "sees" me. Hope your next visit is a good one too.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm so glad you had a good visit @Bikerbeth. I'm off to visit my mother tomorrow and am too wondering what we can talk about as mum really is getting beyond being able to hold any sort of conversation. It'll probably revolve round wanting to visit her parents, but I'll have a go talking about dancing as mum really loved that, and was very good at it too.

 

[Lone Wolf]

I speak on the phone to my partner Ann for up to an hour at a time in her nursing home. None of the conversation makes any sense from either of us but I just like to engage with her and hear the sound of her voice and also I can assure myself that she is ok.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I'm so glad you had a good visit @Bikerbeth. I'm off to visit my mother tomorrow and am too wondering what we can talk about as mum really is getting beyond being able to hold any sort of conversation. It'll probably revolve round wanting to visit her parents, but I'll have a go talking about dancing as mum really loved that, and was very good at it too.

I hope you have a good visit with your Mum too

 

[Bikerbeth]

I speak on the phone to my partner Ann for up to an hour at a time in her nursing home. None of the conversation makes any sense from either of us but I just like to engage with her and hear the sound of her voice and also I can assure myself that she is ok.

I am glad that you both get benefits from the phone calls. I understand what you are saying as I ring Mum up between the weekly visits and I like the days where she is happily chattering on despite making no sense at all.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Glad you had another good visit with your mum @Bikerbeth . It's good that she was calm , tho I do get what you mean about finding topics to talk about. I'm just going to FaceTime my mum and know that we will chat about what we're wearing, the weather, what biscuit she's having with her cup of tea etc! Still, I do know that it will seem as if it's the first time we've spoken about this, so think it's more important that she "sees" me. Hope your next visit is a good one too.

I am glad that FaceTime works for you and your Mum. Maintaining contact is just so important by any means and I feel so much for anyone that does not have these option available

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thanks @annielou Hugs back to you in these early days

 

[Bikerbeth]

Good visit with Mum today. It was raining when I set off but the sun came out when I arrived - hurrah. If only I could remember what I did right. Mum chatted on, not very coherently but occasionally amongst all the chatter she would say something that made sense eg she asked about OH and even remembered his name. She was also trying to explain that the words in her head won’t come out of her mouth properly . However we had lots of smiles, laughs and even some giggles. She seemed quite relaxed for once. When it was time to leave she accepted it rather than getting cross.
Temporary Care Home Manager asked to see me after my visit - I felt like the parent being summoned to see the headmaster about their errant child - however he seems fairly straightforward. He explained that there had been an incident last Friday between Mum and another resident ( although nobody named I think I know who) and apparently they had both hit each other before staff got to them. The ‘fight’ was over a drink. Fortunately neither were hurt or injured but the incident was reported to safeguarding (?). Staff are aware that they do not get on and generally try to keep them separate but it is not always possible