Sugar in her coffee

[Bikerbeth]

Knowing and accepting it are completely different and I’m sorry you felt bad earlier . We do like to give ourselves a hard time . Good to hear mum joining in the activities and I’m sure she has long since forgotten she was upset , whilst you are left to stew ....

Put perfectly @Woo2. I stew and she parties

 

[anxious annie]

Sorry to hear you had a hard time on the phone @Bikerbeth , but at least you know your mum had cheered up later on. Sounds as if medication is possibly sorted too. We just need to get this visiting sorted. I posted on the care home visits thread how nothing seems to have changed for many. But the fight isn't over yet!!

 

[annielou]

Awww that must have been hard for you @Bikerbeth It's hard to ignore but it is the dementia talking. My mum would often ring me on a night after I left her house when I'd been with her 8 &1/2 to 9 hours (sometimes she'd ring only 5 minutes after I'd left )and she'd ask me why I hadn't been to see her, or ask if I would go to see her because she hadn't seen me in ages and she would also often say she had been on her all day. She'd also say when I was with her that she was always on her own and she didn't get visitors. I knew that what she was saying was wrong, but it still hurt. I'm glad she looked to be having fun later, good she got over her upset but such a shame you didn't I hope you feel bit better now x

 

[Woo2]

Put perfectly @Woo2. I stew and she parties

Isn’t that just the way ! Probably how things were when we were younger, life goes full circle . Take care

 

[Bikerbeth]

Mum’s CH has been doing window visits once original lockdown finished which is better than nothing but then Mum is mobile and sometimes has an understanding of the nasty bug @anxious annie but I do feel for those who have non mobile & non understanding relatives. I have joined the campaigns to try and obtain ‘staff status’. Again I am lucky as my brother is a long way away so if it is only 1 visitor it would not be an issue for me but where there is a close nearby family it will be a hard decision to be made by them.
I think most of the time you know it is the dementia talking @annielou but sometimes it just gets to you like it did me yesterday.
That made me smile @Woo2 about life going full circle.

 

[anxious annie]

I can't see us being able to have indoor visits, let alone hug our loved ones, even by Christmas. Such sad times @Bikerbeth , and yes so much worse for those non mobile

 

[Bikerbeth]

So after a few bad phone calls with Mum yesterday’s was not too bad. She said she had been to a wedding and was waiting to go home but did not know how she was going to get there. I said it was ok she was staying were she was for the night. She said she did not know which room she was in so I told her I thought it was xxx but the staff would show her if she asked. She seemed happy with that and said she needed to go to get sorted.
She did also mention that she would have to move to a different hospice though as they were all dead in this one!!!!!
I was told by the receptionist today that when she rang upstairs to put me through to the nurses station yesterday so they could get Mum, Mum had actually answered the phone.

The visit today was also good. The window visits are done using an empty downstairs room. Relative sits outside the open door and the resident Is inside but 2 meters back. Mum was giving one of the nice Carer (who she likes) a hard time as he was trying to get her to do her coat up (as he didn’t want her to get cold) but she was not having it. Anyway she settled down and did her 10 mins of complaining about the staff and the accommodation to which I made the appropriate comments. For some reason we got lucky and we did not have a chaperone so Mum was more settled (unless they were hiding behind the bedroom door) . So once she had the complaints out of her system I showed her the flowers I had brought her and she was really pleased - they were really bright yellow and oranges which she likes. we then happily chattered away and had some laughs for the next 30 mins. Then she began throwing in comments such as ‘it looks like it might rain soon so you had better go’. I now know this means she is getting tired and she also begins to struggle with the right words for what she wants to say. I was just wondering how to leave but also ensure she was safely ‘kept’ inside as the door opens to the car park when fortunately the receptionist came back and said she was sorry but it was time for the next visit. Told Mum I loved her lots and ‘blew her a kiss’, promised to ring her tomorrow and off she went with a big smile on her face. Good result - happy Mum and Daughter

 

[annielou]

Oh that does sound like a good visit, so glad you had good call and visit this week and some laughs
My mum gets tired too after a while of concentrating on talking and starts saying Ok I'll let you go then and similar things. Their polite way of saying I've had enough for now I think. Isn't it funny the things a mind can come up with though, like the wedding and the hospice. You've to be so quick to keep up and go along with things and think of appropriate answers that won't upset or confuse which is a struggle at times, but you are really good at it. Those flowers sound really pretty and cheerful too. So glad you both had a happy visit x

 

[Sarasa]

Glad you had a good visit @Bikerbeth. Your mum sounds more settled in the home, and the staff seem to be more organised than they were. My mum likes flowers too, time to send her some more I think.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Unfortunately you tempted fate @Sarasa !!!!
Received an email from CH the Clinical Manager who was trained up to become General Manager (who was doing a good job considering she was doing 2 jobs) has inconsiderately (in my eyes ) gone and got pregnant (only joking)
So from what I understand she is going to go back to being Clinical Manager from end of January and then she will go on maternity leave from March. The lady who was meant to be coming into the role of Clinical Manager is going to be her deputy and cover her maternity leave. So it means they will be recruiting for a new General Manager again. I hope they have more success than previously.
End of gripe - on the better side a large Perspex screen on wheels has appeared which apparently can be used after lockdown so we can go into the ‘visiting’ room from the outside with our relative then sitting further back in the room with the screen between us. Not sure whether the door will be open or shut but it has to be a bit better for both of us.
On the good side - another lovely visit with Mum. We did not even have any complaints this week - hurrah- so yes hopefully more settled although she said she is still bored (not clear how much is dementia bored vs nothing happening in the home). We did have a 20 minute natter about ???? But Mum was happily chattering away with me trying to make appropriate responses when she suddenly said ‘I’m talking rubbish aren’t I?’ to which I said ‘Yes’ and she started laughing and so did I. I showed her an old black and white formal photo my cousin had sent me and asked Mum who it was and her eyes and face lit up with a big smile as she announced it was her Grandmother. Mum was always close to her Dad and Grandma as her younger sister was always ill so my Mum’s Mum did not have much time for her. Mum then started talking about the fact that nobody visited her (apart from me), then suddenly asked ‘My Mum’s dead isn’t she?’ I said ‘unfortunately Yes quite a while ago’ and she gave a sad smile and then moved on to talk about other things. I guess the photo triggered the memory. She has asked before and it seems that she knows the answer but sort of hopes that her Mum and Dad are still around but she does not get upset otherwise I would change my approach. The receptionist came to tell us that the next visitor had arrived so our time was up so I blew some kisses to Mum, told her I loved her lots and she smiled and seemed to head off happy. What more could you really ask for in these strange times.

 

[annielou]

Glad to read you had a good visit @Bikerbeth , that's lovely. Shame about the manager going off on maternity leave though and switching back to old job. Fingers crossed they have better luck at picking a good manager this time round

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thanks @annielou

 

[Woo2]

So pleased you had a nice visit and a chuckle or two with mum. Shame about the manager , fingers crossed they appoint someone good at the whole role . Take care

 

[Sarasa]

That sounds like a good visit @Bikerbeth. Let's hope they get a new general manager soon. I understand care home work ahs become much more popular as a career choice since lockdown so they should get a good field of candidates. As @Palerider says it hopefully won't make too much difference to the care your mum receives.

 

[anxious annie]

Great news to hear @Bikerbeth that your visits are going well, and you may soon get inside too. It's lovely to hear some positive news at this gloomy time and uncertainty for care homes.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I hope so too @Woo2 that a good general manager will be appointed who stays around. In the 15 months it has been open there has not been much senior management stability unfortunately.
That is interesting to note @Sarasa about it being a more popular choice. It is interesting to note that in my area the hourly rate for General Admin work has gone down by about a £1 but Care home Work has slightly increased but perhaps only by 30p and is still less than the Admin but getting a lot closer. I know it takes a special person to be a good Carer but the reduced differential may attract some more suitable people. Maybe I am just thinking wishfully.
Glad to provide some positive news @anxious annie

 

[Bikerbeth]

So the visit this week along with the phone calls have not been as good this week. In all cases Mum seems to have become very angry because she thinks I can’t be bothered to visit her. She tended to think I was her sister even though I called her Mum. Sometimes I felt she had no idea who I was apart from someone who visited her. Whilst I visited I had comments from her several times when she said I had said I was going to be there the day before and she had sat waiting for me all day. I just said I am sorry I must have confused you and would try and change the subject. It was much the same in the 2 phone calls ‘well if you can’t be bothered to come and see me’, ‘if you are too busy to see me’. In the phone calls I try and say it’s not that I don’t want to visit it is because I have got to work. On Friday it did not work though and she just said well if you are not coming to see me we might as well say Cheerio. I tried to talk to her about something else but she just went Cheerio and the line went dead. As I had had a quick chat with the Carer before he called Mum to the phone and he had said Mum was in a good mood I thought I would call him back. When I spoke to him he said that Mum had just thrown the phone down and stormed off. I said I was concerned at the moment that my phone calls were causing more upset than if I did not ring. He said they are upsetting her but it is usually forgotten within 15 mins. He will usually give her 10 minutes and then offer her a cup of tea /biscuits and that is usually enough to distract her. (This is his approach with Mum any times she gets angry/frustrated) Apparently she was now sat talking to another resident. He has obviously sussed Mum because when angry you do need to give her space on her own. He told me he thought I should continue to ring a couple of time a week which is what I do currently.
I was sad to notice this week that Mum was not in any of the photos for ‘choir practice’ but on the visit I did take her an old black and white wedding photo of her Mum and Dad who she recognised and it did bring a big smile to her face.
I think as she forgets who I am more and more she forgets the phone calls and the visits.
Indoor visits were meant to start this week but not sure if they will.
I guess we will see what this week brings

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry that the phone calls and visits weren't great I had those sort of difficulties with my mum before she went into the care home. She'd phone me up and accuse me of leaving without saying goodbye when I hadn't been there at all, or totally forget that I had been there, when I phoned to say I was home safely.
When I could visit, although mum would refer to me as her 'daughter', I think she forgot what that actually meant, as she'd ask after my mum and sister. I don't have a sister, but mum did, so I sometimes wondered if she thought I was her. We do look quite similar.
Hope next week's calls and visit are better. There's been nothing from mum's home about indoor visits yet, and I'm not going to bother with window ones.

 

[annielou]

Sorry not been good this week mum used to be like that with me when she was at home and it used to leave me feeling terrible. Its so sad when they are upset and angry with no need or about things can’t do anything about. Interesting to hear ofF carer that your mum was in good mood before call so hadn't been upset as she said about you not going day before and that she is ok after fifteen minutes and forgets being upset. I’d be upset worrying n feeling bad thinking mum was upset all day whereas she would likely forget again a few minutes later and had probably only thought she was upset or angry at time of call. Dementia plays tricks with the thoughts and memories. Its cruel but at least by sounds of it from your mums carer it sounds short lived. Not great for us though who don’t know how they are when we aren’t with them. Sending virtual hugs and fingers crossed things are better next time.

 

[anxious annie]

Sorry to hear @Bikerbeth that you haven't had such a good week with phone calls and visits. I'm sure your mum will feel better when you are able to get into the home. Hopefully with testing and vaccines, this won't be too long! Hope things go better this next week