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Sugar in her coffee

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
To be honest @Sarasa it is sometimes a relief to be sent packing as I am not a naturally chatty person and I struggle to come up with conversation (so it is good that Mum chats). The a Home of course cites the council and say only outside visits are permitted so I am now onto the council too. It sounds like your Mum’s care home is a bit more proactive.
It was easier @annielou when I could go for a walk with Mum and we could discuss ‘things’ around us. It does feel like a formal sterile visit now.
If we rent then brother is meant to take responsibility @Woo2 but as I do Mum’s tax affairs then there will of course be an overlap. Someone put a link up on this site to a petition for changes to care home visits so I have signed that and shared on FB in the hope it might help.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
He has never stuck to his word before so not really expecting him too which is why I am insisting we use a fully managed rental service from the estate agent even though it costs more.
You have a good day too @Woo2
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
So Monday’s visit was not good. When I walked round to Mum’s room she was shouting at the Carer (but I did not hear what about) and then when the receptionist came in as well to tell Mum I was there she got even more agitated shouting at them to leave her alone and go away as they tried to put a chair by the window so she could sit and talk to me. For once me shouting through the gap in the window to ‘stop being silly and come and sit down’ worked. Maybe it took her ‘out of whatever moment she was in’. I asked the receptionist if someone would bring Mum a coffee (so it is a bit more like a chat) which she did but Mum nearly threw the biscuits back at her. It could still be the toe infection causing the agitation but she is towards the end of the antibiotics.
mum was pleased to see me but generally spent the visit complaining about every thing that is wrong and then apologising for complaining and then telling me that if she was not so stupid and going ‘dolally’ then she wouldn’t have to be there. I would tell her that she is not stupid just a little forgetful and needs to have some extra support at the moment. I told her I would always love her and if she couldn’t complain to me who could she to. I told her I wished I had a magic wand to fix it all for her but it appeared to be broken ( I did get a small smile for that) She also complained again about the fact that there are children running around the place all the time making a noise. Not sure where that one comes from. One minute she says she is fed up with being ‘stuck’ in there and the next she is saying how she went up the shops. I hope she did eventually settle.
Good job I am not too sensitive though. Nurse stopped me as I was heading back to the car and asked me about Mum’s end of life care plan. As Mum did not have one could I have a think about it and let them know so it could all be put in place. Mum would never talk about this although brother (after seeing Mum’s care plan) said he was going to discuss it with her. At the time I silently thought good luck with that one - it’s never going to happen. So spent some more time on google searching for different info. Guess I will need to discuss with brother and see if his views agree with mine. Could be a tricky conversation which I am not looking forward to.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,654
South East
I’m sorry mum wasn’t great when you got there , seems that you managed to calm her down well . It does sound like the infection could still be causing a bit of havoc , wonder if she will need an extra dose . Are they moving her back up to her normal room soon ? I do not envy you the difficult conversation with brother , hope it’s an amicable straightforward decision for you .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,639
Yorkshire
Sorry it wasn't a good visit, you do seem to have helped your mum though. You got her out of her shouting and gave her someone to sound off to and reassured her when she was sad and sorry about it. You handle things really well, I'd like to be able to handle things with my mum like you do cos you're really good at it.
Its so sad to hear when there is that bit of awareness they're struggling but not sure why and they say they're doolally (your mum) or mental (my mum). 🤗🤗🤗 I hope your mums agitation doesn't last and that she is feeling calmer soon.🤞
That's a shocker when you were leaving. Not sure when or how is the best way to approach that subject but that was a bit out the blue and a blunt way to do it I think. I hope conversation about it with your brother goes well, it's definitely a hard one to have and I hope you come to an agreement over it quickly and without upset 🤞
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
Sorry it wasn't a good visit, you do seem to have helped your mum though. You got her out of her shouting and gave her someone to sound off to and reassured her when she was sad and sorry about it. You handle things really well, I'd like to be able to handle things with my mum like you do cos you're really good at it.
I think our perceptions of our own abilities are distorted. I read your posts and think how well you handle situations with your Mum. I don’t think I am good at it. I sit there struggling to make conversation. I don’t want to tell Mum what I have been doing because then I think she would feel even more ‘trapped’. She doesn’t watch telly so I can’t discuss programmes I have watched. So a lot of conversation revolves round the garden and the weather from my side. :(
Mum goes back upstairs on the 22nd
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,639
Yorkshire
I was the same when I was visiting mum in hospital @Bikerbeth I resorted to lot of weather chat too. Or talking about and showing mum photos on my phone of my sisters grandson, or old photos of us when we've been places with mum in the past. I won't be able to use the photos on my phone at the CH when I can visit her there as they sound stricter than the hospital. I used to have to lean it to show mum my phone and often she would hold it and I'd flick the pictures, which hospital were ok about long as I'd sanitised my hands and got my mask on but don't think they will be at CH.
At mums house when I went everyday we didn't have many proper conversations as mum struggled to follow them if they weren't short and simple and I didn't tell her anything involved or in depth and nothing that might worry her. Nothing we'd done that she'd have liked to have done as she'd say I'd have liked to go there, or why didn't I go did you go without me :( and she'd look sad, not that I did anything really to talk about anyway. There was no point asking what mum had done cos she'd not done anything either and when she did do anything I'd usually done it with her or she forgot what she'd done and watched too.
Most of our conversations were just little bits about what we were watching at the time, that usually sparked most of our little chats, or we'd talk about the weather, traffic on way to mums, when I caught the bus I'd sometimes have a tale to tell of someone on the bus as I'm a people watcher and nosey :oops: :rolleyes:
I think in the CH setting when it's at a distance and for a set amount of time it must be much harder to think of what to talk about especially when in between they talk about weird and wonderful things that didn't happen, or keep asking questions about things they've forgot or are worried about, or saying they're not happy, or get upset and you want to distract them and cheer them up, take their mind of sad things but what do you say??
Its a bit like a challenge, like a chatting version of mastermind. Bikerbeth you have 30/60 minutes to talk to your mum from a distance so you must talk loud, but you can not mention Where you've been, what you've done, what she's done, what you've watched, read, heard, anything worrying, anything that lasts a long time, anything complicated, On your marks get set go. 😱🤔
 

Cedaroflebannon

New member
Sep 6, 2020
2
Thank you for this post; it made me laugh! We’re at the beginning of this although the signs have been there! It makes sense of the bags of sweets stacked in the cupboard and numerous cartons of ’Vienetta’ icecream in the freezer. I guess we just accept it......
 

Cedaroflebannon

New member
Sep 6, 2020
2
Thank you for this post; it made me laugh! We’re at the beginning of this although the signs have been there! It makes sense of the bags of sweets stacked in the cupboard and numerous cartons of ’Vienetta’ icecream in the freezer. I guess we just accept it......
Sorry I’m new and responded to a much earlier post!!
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,046
Bristol
Thank you for this post; it made me laugh! We’re at the beginning of this although the signs have been there! It makes sense of the bags of sweets stacked in the cupboard and numerous cartons of ’Vienetta’ icecream in the freezer. I guess we just accept it......
Welcome to the forums, @Cedaroflebannon. It's good to find a bit of humour even in the hardest days and vienetta is good ice cream. Look around the site and you will find a lot of good advice, support and factsheets to help you adjust.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
551
So Monday’s visit was not good. When I walked round to Mum’s room she was shouting at the Carer (but I did not hear what about) and then when the receptionist came in as well to tell Mum I was there she got even more agitated shouting at them to leave her alone and go away as they tried to put a chair by the window so she could sit and talk to me. For once me shouting through the gap in the window to ‘stop being silly and come and sit down’ worked. Maybe it took her ‘out of whatever moment she was in’. I asked the receptionist if someone would bring Mum a coffee (so it is a bit more like a chat) which she did but Mum nearly threw the biscuits back at her. It could still be the toe infection causing the agitation but she is towards the end of the antibiotics.
mum was pleased to see me but generally spent the visit complaining about every thing that is wrong and then apologising for complaining and then telling me that if she was not so stupid and going ‘dolally’ then she wouldn’t have to be there. I would tell her that she is not stupid just a little forgetful and needs to have some extra support at the moment. I told her I would always love her and if she couldn’t complain to me who could she to. I told her I wished I had a magic wand to fix it all for her but it appeared to be broken ( I did get a small smile for that) She also complained again about the fact that there are children running around the place all the time making a noise. Not sure where that one comes from. One minute she says she is fed up with being ‘stuck’ in there and the next she is saying how she went up the shops. I hope she did eventually settle.
Good job I am not too sensitive though. Nurse stopped me as I was heading back to the car and asked me about Mum’s end of life care plan. As Mum did not have one could I have a think about it and let them know so it could all be put in place. Mum would never talk about this although brother (after seeing Mum’s care plan) said he was going to discuss it with her. At the time I silently thought good luck with that one - it’s never going to happen. So spent some more time on google searching for different info. Guess I will need to discuss with brother and see if his views agree with mine. Could be a tricky conversation which I am not looking forward to.
It may be a crazy idea but would it be worth doing a separate post asking for end of life plans others have done?
I always find it so much easier to pinch other peoples good ideas, than have original ones of my own!
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
703
@Bikerbeth I did End of Life Planning with a Community Matron. I recommend doing it with someone with a senior clinical background if possible.
*Be aware discussion of death and dying below* (putting this here as the thread was originally different)

Don't be afraid to ask for advice. I work for the NHS, but am not clinical and we both recognised at the start of the meeting that end of life can involve a range of scenarios, not all of which can be easily planned for.

We did agree that I was the main (only) point of contact for decisions (though I might consult other family members), and that where at all possible, we wanted to avoid Mummy going into hospital unless she had a very bad fall needing surgery, or other clinicians who knew her (GP, Matron) recommended it and saw a purpose, rather than trying to head off the inevitable, so to speak.

Luckily all the family were on the same page, and I knew Mummy, when she had capacity, didn't want, for instance aggressive resuscitation and was not at all religious.

We talked about what to do if she stopped eating and drinking. In fact this is what happened. The staff tried hard to encourage her, but we agreed, no "forcing" to eat (they would not have done this anyway) and no IV fluids. I think Mummy had, by that time, made her decision and a few weeks after she stopped eating, she died.

Although we were obviously very upset, her quality of life had declined considerably and we did have some time (a few months) to accept she was heading for end of life care - in as much as you can ever accept that. What worked well is that she stayed with staff that she knew and loved, and they cared for her brilliantly and grieved with us.

COVID gave problems with visiting, but this was always going to be the case. I hope you are able to talk face to face with someone at the home about planning. It cannot take away the sadness, but I think it does help prepare you.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
I was the same when I was visiting mum in hospital @Bikerbeth

Its a bit like a challenge, like a chatting version of mastermind. Bikerbeth you have 30/60 minutes to talk to your mum from a distance so you must talk loud, but you can not mention Where you've been, what you've done, what she's done, what you've watched, read, heard, anything worrying, anything that lasts a long time, anything complicated, On your marks get set go. 😱🤔
thank you @annielou that was a brilliant summary that had me laughing out loud.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
Sorry I’m new and responded to a much earlier post!!
No need to apologise and welcome. Any post that brings a smile or a laugh is worth it. I hope you find help, support and some smiles on this site as I have.
Mum did not have any salad /fruit in those containers at the bottom of the fridge just lots of chocolate, sweets etc. Half the freezer space was taken up with ice cream.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
It may be a crazy idea but would it be worth doing a separate post asking for end of life plans others have done?
I always find it so much easier to pinch other peoples good ideas, than have original ones of my own!
Indeed it is a good idea. I was going to do a search and see what I could find. Certainly on here there are so many good ideas to be pinched, used and sometimes adapted :)
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,556
Bedford
Thank you @Helly68 for some excellent advise and for sharing your situation. I started doing some initial searching last night and realised how complicated it can get even with an outline template. I will have to think where I could perhaps get a bit more ‘expert knowledge’ from (as well as info from here). Thank you again
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
703
@Bikerbeth you are welcome. Some homes have access to an outreach team - usually mental health OTs and Community Matrons. If you can phone or meet with them, I would say they have the most experience. Senior care home staff are also often very helpful. They are seen a lot of situations before. The senior on duty advised us to come and see Mummy (a window visit) as a matter of urgency, and the next day she was gone. Also, get clarity with the home about whether being at end of life changes the visiting issues. This was the one thing Mummy's home didn't do well. There was confusion over visiting and it made things harder.
I think as a starting point, if you can clarify who the family contact is, and then in different situations they should phone you for a decision or input. It helps if as a family you agree one person is the liaison even if you talk to others to get their view.