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Sugar in her coffee

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Sorry to read that, hard news to hear anytime but worse at mo with social distancing. I hope your friend and husband get lots of support by phone etc and all goes well and chemo works well and doesn’t leave him feeling too weak 🤞🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
yes my Mum too, as long as I've lived she never took sugar in tea, one day when I made her tea, she told me I hadn't put sugar in it. I told her she didn't take sugar, she assured me she did? One of many new things.
It is indeed a bit strange. Mum has not put sugar in her coffee since but does ‘pinch’ sugar cubes out of bowls which she would never have done before
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
Yesterday’s phone call started off ok but ended up ‘when are you coming to see me’. You have T (OH) but I have nobody and nobody comes to see me. Today Mum got staff to ring me and I was asked if I had been away, I said no I had not been anywhere as I had a bad back. She said she was going into town shortly to get some stockings and other odds and ends but she would appreciate if I visited her as soon as possible. If I say ‘soon’ then she seems to remember this, if I say I am not allowed due to ‘bug’ going round she tells me she has been out and about. It is horrible to see this further decline and I guess I will never know whether the lockdown has made it worse. Mum just thinks I don’t like her. I totally appreciate one rule does not fit all and absolutely each one of us is different but I do feel that if this lock down continues in CH’s until end of year which has been mentioned I begin to feel it is quantity not quality that is being considered. However I am sure if Mum had a physical ailment and mentally Mum was fine and understood what was going on I would feel totally different. I do not mean to offend anyone as I say we are all different and our PWD’s are all different. I just hear Mum so confused and unhappy. She rarely joins in the activities and you will see her at the back of photos with arms crossed and scowling whilst other residents are joining in and smiling.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,727
cornwall
Yesterday’s phone call started off ok but ended up ‘when are you coming to see me’. You have T (OH) but I have nobody and nobody comes to see me. Today Mum got staff to ring me and I was asked if I had been away, I said no I had not been anywhere as I had a bad back. She said she was going into town shortly to get some stockings and other odds and ends but she would appreciate if I visited her as soon as possible. If I say ‘soon’ then she seems to remember this, if I say I am not allowed due to ‘bug’ going round she tells me she has been out and about. It is horrible to see this further decline and I guess I will never know whether the lockdown has made it worse. Mum just thinks I don’t like her. I totally appreciate one rule does not fit all and absolutely each one of us is different but I do feel that if this lock down continues in CH’s until end of year which has been mentioned I begin to feel it is quantity not quality that is being considered. However I am sure if Mum had a physical ailment and mentally Mum was fine and understood what was going on I would feel totally different. I do not mean to offend anyone as I say we are all different and our PWD’s are all different. I just hear Mum so confused and unhappy. She rarely joins in the activities and you will see her at the back of photos with arms crossed and scowling whilst other residents are joining in and smiling.
I hear you. It is very difficult. Dad still lives at home .But when he was in respite he never joined in .He reminded me of Victor Meldrew. Never happy unless he was moaning. Still the same at home now.
I feel sometimes you can never do wrong for doing right.
I hope it doesn’t go on till the end of the year. I’m not sure peoples mental health could take it... I mean everybody’s. PWD ,carers and family. Take care.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,856
Chester
My MIL has just turned 93. She lives on her own in a small rural hamlet and does feel that she doesn't have that long left so a long lock down is not what she feels is right for her.

If this lick down adversely affects their quality of life for a long time it doesn't necessarily benefit them.

My mum on the other hand is perfectly happy in her little world in her flat.
 

Kojo

New member
Apr 28, 2020
1
I have just discovered this forum and will probably learn a lot from it's content as I am sure even just reading Bikerbeth's post, straightaway it is significant in my realisation of small changes to behaviour of my wife, who I care for following Strokes x 2, a TIA and a heart attack. She has now been clinically diagnosed with vascular dementia. She never drank her coffee and tea with sugar, but does now take sugar in her hot drinks. I was oblivious to this small lifestyle change, but now I find it very interesting to read this is relevant to many other people.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Sorry phone call didn't go well again, its such an awful situation when you can't see her but she doesn't understand why not. Its awful to think your mum thinks your not visiting because you don't like her, but sometimes even if you had visited her she might still think that if she forgets you've been. Or if she's having false thoughts about going out herself she could have one that you've said something about not liking her, like my mum does while I'm there with her, this situation is making things so much harder. I get the need to isolate people to avoid virus but it is so hard on people mentally and that affects their well being too. If this lockdown is going to go on for a lot longer something should be thought off as a way to visit safely. As summer is coming maybe care homes could rig up a residents chair near a window or door and a visitor chair in garden that can be sprayed with antibacterial cleaner between visits and schedule short visits in turns in way they schedule skype calls in some places. This virus is a killer and a horrid thing but so is dementia and lots of other illnesses and they haven't stopped because of the virus and I think something needs to be done to find a way to avoid the and treat the virus while still treating other illnesses.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,828
leicester
Hello @Kojo welcome to DTP I’m glad you are already finding the forum a good source of support I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
Welcome @Kojo. I hope you find this site as helpfully as I do. My Aunt had vascular dementia and my Mum has Alzheimers and the difference in behaviour/abilities were quiet interesting. Aunt was able to cook a meal from scratch (if she had instructions on how to use the oven) until 3 months before she passed whereas Mum lost the ability to cook early on
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
Thank you @TNJJ - I remember reading your posts when your Dad went into respite. I think Mum has turned into Victoria Meldrew which she never really was prior to Alzheimers.
thanks @jugglingmum - Mum keeps saying she doesn’t have long for this world. At Mum’s CH the residents did seem to split into 2 categories of either being happy in their world as you say about your Mum or being frustrated and stroppy.
I think I could deal with it better if she moaned to me but appeared happy in any photos the home shares.
Thanks @annielou as always for your support when you are going through such a difficult time yourself. Depending on what happens after the current lock down period I might see if I can have a ‘window’ visit again. I just don’t want to put pressure on the CH at the moment as I know they are still short of staff.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
Morning @Bikerbeth , sorry I haven’t read replies so I might be repeating what others have said, our elders do do this a lot , Mum was a home help for many years and her clients were lovely and mostly happy but boy did they give the opposite impression to their family , they did moan and lay it on thick about woe is me , I wonder how much of it is just normal Victor Meldrew syndrome , a window visit sounds a good idea if can be arranged as it may put your mind at rest . I have accepted that mum will deteriorate during the lockdown as many others will and there is just nothing I can do about that , but by doing that we are keeping them safer . It’s very easy to say for me as I have mum here but I’m sure your mum is being well cared for and once you are allowed to visit she will soon forget about the time that she couldn’t see you .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
Hi @Woo2 I am sure Mum is being well cared for too and I think she does put me on a ‘guilt trip’ more than she does my brother.
i did have another first, although sad it did also give me a slight smile as I pictured it. I Could not get to ring Mum this morning so I thought I would try early afternoon. Rang up home and carer took my number and said she would ring me back from Mum’s room when she had found Mum. So she rang back and I heard her say Beth is on the phone. Next minute carer is saying to me that Mum has gone to the loo so I have a general chat with carer (she was not looking after Mum). mum then come out of bathroom and carer says to her again Beth is on the phone but as she repeats it Mum has already wandered off down the corridor. I said to leave it as we both agreed Mum was confused so a phone call probably would not have been worthwhile.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
That made me smile too. It was probably for the best as you say . They def do play us a bit , what’s the saying “don’t get old if you can’t get crafty “ . I’m sure some of it they are consciously aware of . Take care hope the physio exercises are having the desired effect . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,550
Bedford
Had a chat with brother about various things and he said that Mum had been confused on the phone in the morning. Just before lunch CH rang me and said Mum was throwing water over other residents and staff from a jug and was screaming at everyone. Would I talk to her as a distraction. I said Yes but although I called to her from the phone on speaker all I could hear was her screaming at everyone saying they were trying to trap her in the room and it was not me on the phone because she knew I had a car and would drive to see her. They asked me if I would go over as by now Mum had managed to get 2 glass jugs in her hands. Drove over and was told yesterday they had tried to get a sample from Mum using a cammode which Mum had just wheeled out of her room in anger and aimed its wheels at other residents shouting she did not need this. When I arrived Mum was in the residents lounge and they opened the window so I could talk to her but it took her a few minutes to recognise me. She then shut the doors and told the staff to stay out. Fortunately she did not realise that the only other resident in there had a carer sitting with him. I said a bright hello to her and she started talking to me but little made sense. I then asked her if she would please go to her room so we could more privately as I could not hear her due to the broken down pipe gushing water out but she did not need to bring the water jug with her. Fortunately she put it down and with a suspicious look did come into her room. She did try to open door but I said that was not allowed because of the nasty bug going round. I gave her time to think about it and then repeated and she said she understood. After a bit more of a chat I asked her about throwing water at other residents but she said it was only staff she had thrown water at and she was protecting some of the residents from the staff who had been throwing water at the residents. I said I could understand her concern but if me and my brother had done that when we were little she would have told us off and told us we should have told a person in authority. I said next time she should tell the Manager. I doubt whether she will remember but it was worth a try. She was generally talking nonsense. She did alternate through stroppy and then would be ok for a while but ended up a little calmer and eventually she did say to me - you had better go as you will get soaking wet (I was standing outside with raincoat and umbrella as it was bucketing it down)
Had a chat on the phone with the new deputy manager who is in charge of the nursing/carer team. She confirmed that they were trying to test for infections and that the aggression had started a 3 days ago. They had been trying to get hold of the mental health team without success and were now trying to get the GP to review her meds. I will get an update either today or Monday. I also mentioned to her as a reminder ( although it is in Mum’s care plan,) if she gets ‘stroppy’ it is sometimes best to leave her alone and put some animal or house/garden programme on, on the tv In her room than perhaps get her involved in an activity.
I have also been advised that a new Manager has now been appointed too. In these challenging times it should help a little more. The new manager is a man and Mum also tends to respond better to men. I know he will not be looking after Mum at such but maybe a male authority figure may help.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,727
cornwall
Had a chat with brother about various things and he said that Mum had been confused on the phone in the morning. Just before lunch CH rang me and said Mum was throwing water over other residents and staff from a jug and was screaming at everyone. Would I talk to her as a distraction. I said Yes but although I called to her from the phone on speaker all I could hear was her screaming at everyone saying they were trying to trap her in the room and it was not me on the phone because she knew I had a car and would drive to see her. They asked me if I would go over as by now Mum had managed to get 2 glass jugs in her hands. Drove over and was told yesterday they had tried to get a sample from Mum using a cammode which Mum had just wheeled out of her room in anger and aimed its wheels at other residents shouting she did not need this. When I arrived Mum was in the residents lounge and they opened the window so I could talk to her but it took her a few minutes to recognise me. She then shut the doors and told the staff to stay out. Fortunately she did not realise that the only other resident in there had a carer sitting with him. I said a bright hello to her and she started talking to me but little made sense. I then asked her if she would please go to her room so we could more privately as I could not hear her due to the broken down pipe gushing water out but she did not need to bring the water jug with her. Fortunately she put it down and with a suspicious look did come into her room. She did try to open door but I said that was not allowed because of the nasty bug going round. I gave her time to think about it and then repeated and she said she understood. After a bit more of a chat I asked her about throwing water at other residents but she said it was only staff she had thrown water at and she was protecting some of the residents from the staff who had been throwing water at the residents. I said I could understand her concern but if me and my brother had done that when we were little she would have told us off and told us we should have told a person in authority. I said next time she should tell the Manager. I doubt whether she will remember but it was worth a try. She was generally talking nonsense. She did alternate through stroppy and then would be ok for a while but ended up a little calmer and eventually she did say to me - you had better go as you will get soaking wet (I was standing outside with raincoat and umbrella as it was bucketing it down)
Had a chat on the phone with the new deputy manager who is in charge of the nursing/carer team. She confirmed that they were trying to test for infections and that the aggression had started a 3 days ago. They had been trying to get hold of the mental health team without success and were now trying to get the GP to review her meds. I will get an update either today or Monday. I also mentioned to her as a reminder ( although it is in Mum’s care plan,) if she gets ‘stroppy’ it is sometimes best to leave her alone and put some animal or house/garden programme on, on the tv In her room than perhaps get her involved in an activity.
I have also been advised that a new Manager has now been appointed too. In these challenging times it should help a little more. The new manager is a man and Mum also tends to respond better to men. I know he will not be looking after Mum at such but maybe a male authority figure may help.
What a day! I hope your mum improves. Let’s hope that they get the samples needed. I hope your feeling okay today and not too stressed.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
oh gosh @Bikerbeth that sounds awful, hugs for you and your mum 🤗 🤗 I know your mums confusion has been more lately and you wanted her meds looking at before but things got cancelled and I think home kept changing their mind if needed it or not before that too (might be wrong) It definately sounds like something is wrong lately, although lockdown is probably contributing, it seems to be more than that as was starting before and seems like you say she needs a medication tweak or maybe treatment if infection.
I hope they can find a way to get a sample. When my nephew was little a long time ago there was a potty that you could use free standing, then you could put it under existing toilet seat so they felt like sitting on toilet but stuff was still collected in potty so didn't feel like big hole beneath them, then you could remove seat from potty and put that under existing toilet seat so they could get used to using big toilet in stages. Unfortunately I don't think they do them anymore as a friend looked a few years ago when her son would poo on potty or in a nappy but not on big toilet. Its a shame as maybe homes maybe could use them in toilet for collecting samples rather than asking residents to use commodes which old people sometimes don't like and realise is different to what normally use as toilet. I'm surprised nobody has come up with something like that for homes and hospitals.
I hope with new manager they will be able to keep on top of things and maybe if mum get stressed and aggressive again and staff struggle to relax her they could bring manager to have a word with her if she responds to men. It sounds like you did a good job of calming her down but having to rush over in person and stand in pouring rain is not best frequent solution. I hope they manage to track down mental health team or GP soon 🤞 Lots of hugs for you today 🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,685
One doctor's surgery I used to belong to had a courtyard garden with a water feature, a statue of a small girl holding an umbrella. It sounds that you must have looked a bit like that yesterday!
Sorry your mother had such a bad meltdown. I don't think my mother has had one of those for a while, but when she did it was scary. In her case it was the progression of the disease rather than an UTI, but worth getting it checked out just in case. I hope the GP/Mental Health Team come up with some solutions. It must be so hard for your mum, the staff and the other residents at this difficult time. Before mum went into care risperidone was prescribed by a mental health doctor who'd never met her. Her GP and I thought it was a bad idea to actually start her on it as she got in a muddle with non critical meds and has a history of adverse reactions to things. Now she is in care she is on lorazepam. This started out as a very small dose, but it's been upped since she moved floors. When all this is over I'll request another meeting with the staff to review that as I don't want her taking more than she needs just to keep her quiet. I hope someone from Mental Health/GPs gets back to the home sooner or later about getting something to help your mum. My mother would forget very quickly what had happened or if she remembered she would think it was no big deal. It was the rest of us who felt like wrung out dishcloths.
Glad the home has a new senior management team btw.
 

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