1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    What do you talk to your Mum about?
    Never been the closest of relationships and we do not have anything in common except our family relationship. I ring every morning and have a brief chat and sometimes in the evening if I think she will not have spoken to anyone. I also visit overnight once a week. We can do all the practical things and arrangements/ appointments but frequently we have long periods of silence. As I know she is lonely I feel should be chatty (but I am not really a chatty person to anyone)
     
  2. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,414
    Female
    I didn't have a lot to say to my mother either. I lived a long distance away and I used to ring once a week and the conversation was pretty limited and mainly revolved around her cat and whether the weather was lovely or not. It became more difficult as the disease progressed because she couldn't engage very much - impossible to talk about what she watched on TV or what she had for lunch, or anything which wasn't happening 'right now'.

    Most people with dementia are lonely, it's the nature of the disease. Even they have someone sitting chatting to them for 4 hours, ten minutes later they have forgotten about it. So your lack of chattiness is not contributing to the feeling of loneliness. My mother had daily carers for 4-6 hours a day so had far more good quality company than many people, but her loneliness and accompanying anxiety only dissipated when she moved to a care home and had staff available 24/7 who could reassure her.
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    Thank you for the information @Sirena. What you said makes sense.
    Phone call with Mum today and at the end I asked her to put the phone in her hand back into the base unit. She told me she did not have a phone in her hand
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,414
    Female
    I started having those type of problems. I would call my mother and chat to her, and then ask her to put the carer on the phone to check how things were going and see if they needed anything. For the first year this worked fine, but then she stopped understanding the request. She would say "yes that's right" and then stay on the phone, or she would just hang up. In the end I got the carer's mobile number and used to text her. It was the beginning of the end of my mother's time at home, within 6 months she had moved to a care home.
     
  5. AztecCamera87

    AztecCamera87 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2019
    64
    Oh gosh, do you know what, dad started to just randomly asking for sugar in his coffee a few weeks back and has been asking his carer to have sugar. My dad is diabetic, so it's rather worrying. My sister decided to throw all sugar away from the house, which is probably the best thing to do and added a note to the empty sugar pot reminding carers that dad has brittle diabetes, so no sugar. It's rather odd, I just assumed dad forgot that he hasn't had sugar in his drinks for years, but he's also been asking for ice cream in the evenings of late (which again, is pretty odd for him).
     
  6. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    371
    Whilst my Mum had some limited capacity (now in a care home for 2 years) I discussed with her that my father would not always be able to look after her and that since they argued constantly, maybe a change of scene would be good.
    We started with her going for a couple of days a week (we were self funding) during the day to the care home where she now lives. This gave my Dad a break and allowed my Mum to get to know the staff.
    Initially I found her permanent residence there emotional (guilt, sadness the merry go round of dementia emotions) but she settled in very well and it was good that she went whilst she was still a bit mobile and could communicate well as this helped her settle in.
     
  7. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    713
    Male
    Newcastle
    If I asked my wife to pass me the telephone she would pick it up still in the base unit, or give me the TV remote handset instead. If she was ever on the phone she would lower it from her ear then put it down anywhere and wander off whilst the caller was still on the line. Not long before she went into residential care she could no longer recognise the ringing of the phone, would think that the beeps at the end of the washing machine cycle were the phone, or just say 'whats that noise?' at any once-familiar sound. Now she is in a care home she drinks and seems to enjoy tea with milk, which she never did before.
     
  8. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    That must be worrying for you. At least with Mum it Is stopping some of her weight loss
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    It is always good to hear a positive story. Mum decided last week she didn’t want to go in a care home as a well meaning ‘friend’ told her she was fine at home. When the time is right I want to move Mum nearer to me as she is currently 70 odd miles away and unfortunately only really has 2 friends in her area. However this means we cannot do the day visits in advance. I am planting seeds to Mum based on a 3 week respite break in a care home I really liked when I went to see it. I am going to try and take her to see a couple hopefully at the start of August on the basis of ‘if you ever need to go in one you might like to see what is available in my area’. I have to go with my gut instinct which suggests this is the right approach at this time
     
  10. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    Yes mum has wondered off once leaving me shouting down the phone to her
     
  11. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    So today Mum left a message on my voicemail talking about herself in the third person. Anyone else had that experience?.
     
  12. Sue36

    Sue36 New member

    Jul 14, 2019
    7
    My dad has always been very vocal about not having a sweet tooth. He now regularly buys himself chocolate biscuits and says yes to desserts that he would have never eaten in the past.
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,877
    Female
    South coast
    Ive not had that, but I have had mum talking to me telling me about me in the third person - as if I were someone else that she was telling about me.
     
  14. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,472
    East Sussex
    Mum watched her weight as her family were all on the large size. She was on a diet my entire life :rolleyes: Enter dementia & she was inhaling cakes :eek:

    She wouId tell me that she never ate cake. It was fattening. However, there were many many occasions when I’d walk into the kitchen & find her with her head in the fridge or a cupboard, gobbling down cakes, chocolates or biscuits.

    Cake was my secret weapon when dealing with tantrums. “Cup of tea mum?” became a mantra ... I’d casually put a cake or chocolate biscuits on a small plate & put it by her. She never could resist & the tantrum wouId calm.

    I still smile at the memory of her hiding in the fridge eating as many cakes as possible before I got back downstairs with the washing or whatever :D
     
  15. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    Having read your thread I decided cake was also going to be my secret weapon. Mum has gone off biscuits and chocolate which she loved but can now be distracted very easily by a Belgium Bun or today by a bag of 5 jam doughnuts. As Mum has lost quite a bit of weight at the moment I am not concerned.
     
  16. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    Not been a good visit this week. I was really tired after a working weekend when I headed up there yesterday. Although she had been looking forward to going to the ‘dementia’ cafe once there she decided she did not like the lady who was leading the seated/aerobic exercise. So we left there and she was grumpy. We then had a meeting with a finance person to help sort out her finances (unfortunately Mum has not been able to do them herself for 18 mths so I have done her paperwork). I tried to involve her in the conversations but she just sat there literally twiddling her fingers. Later I am accused of doing everything behind her back. I’m tired so I get cross and say I going for a walk. This morning not a good start. I put the washing on. 10 minutes later she asks me if it has finished. I say No it will take about an hour and the light will go out. Grab a quick shower and as I leave the bathroom I get asked the same question. I give exactly the same answer to provide consistency. Get dressed and yes same question. I’m counting to ten but she can see my frustration. I get a phone can from my partner and then a person from DWP about her attendance allowance. Come off the phone and again get accused of going behind her back. I try and explain but know she will be forgotten by tomorrow. I read the issues that others on this site go through and think I have it easier but I find it so hard to be patient and then feel so guilty when I get cross with Mum. Just having a whinge to get it out of my system.
     
  17. Loisand

    Loisand Registered User

    Dec 25, 2017
    121
    I don't think any of us could honestly say that we haven't lost our patience with the one we care for......I hold my hand up and say I loose my patience at least twice a week....my last time was Sunday, I can contend and put up with most things, but some parts of personal hygiene I can't, Sunday I actually said to mom "a 2year old child wouldn't get in this mess", I felt guilty afterwards but I couldn't take the words back, don't feel guilty you we are doing the very best we can, good luck keep your chin up x
     
  18. Rach1985

    Rach1985 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2019
    398
    I lost my patience tonight too with my Dad after 5 days at work and a long one today in the heat. He took his dirty underwear out of the washing basket so I called him a dirty old man
    Felt guilty as I said it, just hard to understand my proud dad becoming this, and I also made my mum cry because I said it which makes it even worse!
     
  19. Loisand

    Loisand Registered User

    Dec 25, 2017
    121
    Ahh bless you, hugs across the airwaves, hope you gave your mom a big hug to, you are doing good you know, your working and caring, it's a lot to do, especially being it looks as if your full time. I gave my job up to care for mom, I realised I couldn't do both, yes it was my biggest regret but I knew I couldn't do both. Take care, pat yourself on the back x
     
  20. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    113
    Bedford
    Hugs from me too. I think it helps to be reminded we cannot always be superhuman and have bad days ourself that don’t help maintain the patient and calm exterior
     

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