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Sugar in her coffee

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Thanks @Sarasa. I do know that I could not have Mum living with me or that she could go back to her bungalow so although it is tough listening to her crying I am very clear about that in my own mind. I know that neither would work. She did say to me today that ‘nobody wants me’ but I choose to ignore the comment completely. We also had the ‘I’m going home tomorrow’ Mind you she had told my brother this morning on the phone that she was fed up of living in France (she has never lived in France)

World garlic day - must admit I have never heard of that before. I think Mum would have stuck to the fried egg sandwich she ‘requested’ today. I would have gone for it though.

I know what you mean about the comments. I too have noticed a change over the last few months by Mum - the activity coordinator is referred to as the big fat girl whereas I say‘V’ with the colourful hair.
The course was very good - done by a researcher in mental health/neurology whose parent developed Alzheimer’s so he used his background to help his parent. It was giving information/strategies for depression and anxiety for both PWD and carers.
I had signed up for the course you mentioned but as I have an exam for something else in 4 weeks time I needed to give that priority. Glad you are finding it interesting
Care Home nurse did ring up early afternoon when I was on the way to see Mum to say Doctor did not come out last night as there was no reason too! I need to follow up with the nurse that was on duty at the time. Nurse seemed to just tell me that Mum was getting anxious to see me. They seemed very short on staff today but perhaps I am being cynical.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Oh @Bikerbeth I’m sorry I just caught up with this . That’s sad , I’m glad you was able to calm mum , if you had gone straight there it might have started off a precedent where if she gets upset she will be expecting you to rush down there so think you handled it really well . Hope dr has some ideas and mum is calmer . Sending a big hug . 🤗 X
Thanks @Woohoo - that was my thought too. I did not want to set a precedent. I did go last time it happened but it was morning and I was going anyway.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,943
South East
It’s a shame we have to think that way, Dementia hey the gift that just keeps on giving , or should be taking away :( . hoping for calmer times for you both . X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Well weird phone call tonight from Mum. Nurse had rang me and put Mum on the phone. She is crying again and saying everyone is horrid to her although I can only understand 20% of what she is saying. Then suddenly she stops crying and with great clarity and calmness asks me how my OH got on with his endoscopy today. I said it was all clear and maybe it was just a one off problem and not an ‘intermittent fault’ as those are harder to fine. She said that all sounds positive and then just as quick the switch flipped again and she starts crying again as she says there are lots of people in the lounge and there is no room for her as she doesn’t know anyone and she hasn’t had her tea but they are all eating in there. I tell her it is a buffet tea so she can go and help herself or could get one of the staff to fetch her a selection. If she didn’t want to stay then she could watch the programme about dogs on the television. She said that she thought she might do that. So I said she should hand the phone back to the nurse and I would ask the nurse to help her put the tv on as it was a bit complicated being a new system. She seemed happy with that. I know I have read others who have mentioned similar conversations but it is just so strange. The nurse said she was going to try and get an urgent appointment for Mum at the Dr’s. Strangely enough it was the same nurse who said there was no reason yesterday.
As you say @Woohoo the gift that keeps on giving
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,943
South East
That’s strangely not uncommon, seen it on threads here too. Mum can do exactly the same , she can be crying or really angry and I can hand her a cake or ice cream and she will literally start smiling , it’s so disturbing and very hard on family . Hope the dr can help soon and also that the ch don’t ring you too often with this , they surely must be trying to distract and engage mum in something else .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
...........Hope the dr can help soon and also that the ch don’t ring you too often with this , they surely must be trying to distract and engage mum in something else .
As Mum could hold a good conversation but unable to use the phone when she first moved to the CH I told the staff if Mum asked to speak to me they could ring between 8am and 9pm.
however I do think as you say that they should be able to deal with these situations with distractions etc. I currently think they are short staffed (as I know they were recruiting the other day) and saw this perhaps as an easy way to calm Mum down. It does annoy me when I filled in forms about Mum’s likes/dislikes etc and what Mum would like if she is upset and they don’t bother to look at it. It clearly states Mum likes nature programmes and dogs and 2 tv channels had these on at the time. This is a nurse who has been there longer than Mum.
I also think a lot of relatives visit on a Sunday afternoon and then the ‘residents’ usual seats in the lounge are taken and that causes upset. There are alternative lounges to use. End of winge
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,761
Yorkshire
So sorry your mum has been upset and called you again crying x I hope dr does see her tomorrow, strange how staff say going to arrange it, then no need, and then going to arrange it again, maybe it's as mum calms and they think they have dealt with things ,or maybe it is a higher up member of staff saying no need. I hope it gets sorted for both your sakes x Glad your course was good x I could do with one but I don't think my brain could keep track of any information at moment even though I could really do with the help to do right thing.
I hope your OH is ok x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,943
South East
That is there job though, it isn’t your fault they are short staffed. As you say it was probably easier to call you . Hopefully it’s not something that will continue . Yes your right @annielou funny how they disagree with you and then the next day change their mind and want to make dr app. :rolleyes: .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Thank @annielou OH should be fine. He was having very severe stomach cramps and couldn’t keep food down for about 10 days. The endoscopy was a precaution but fortunately the tablets worked. It should all good so maybe just one of those things
On the positive he had said he wanted to loose weight. I did suggest there were better ways 😊
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,002
Hi @Bikerbeth, I think I'd be encouraging the carers to cope with your mum rather than getting you to talk to her. The first couple of months mum was in the home I had a few phone calls where the carers put her on. I could calm her down by saying I'd go over soon and take her own for coffee, but I found it tricky as she was demanding to go home, which I couldn't agree to. It sounds like the carers should be keeping an eye out for situations like yesterday's. Your mum probably thought she'd gate crashed someone else's party. Mum's home publishes a programme of the daily events. When she was first there it said birthday celebration for X in the afternoon. I mentioned it to mum, but the next time I visited she was cross as she didn't get 'invited'. She would have been able to go, but it needed a carer to take her there as it was on a different floor, and they have so many other things to do it wasn't surprising.
I wonder how things will change when the new manager arrives.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,294
I agree with @Sarasa and the others, the care home should not still be constantly calling you to fix issues. But as you told them it was fine for her to call you, you need to update them and ask them only to call you for something urgent. Your mum needs to know she can go to the staff for reassurance and not depend on you - as others have said, it's their job.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Thanks @annielou, @Woohoo, @Sarasa and @Sirena for your replies. You are all right and I agree with you - the staff should have been able to cope with that situation. In my own mind now I know that Mum cannot have a good conversation on the phone so I will advise them accordingly. Went in today for my normal visit and now told by the nurse that no urgent Dr’s appointment available and Gp surgery said it can wait until April appointment. So if it is not ‘that urgent’ again then the staff can look after Mum in this situation going forward.
I know I keep changing my mind - there are some good things about this CH but I am beginning to think a move will be needed at some point as Mum deteriorates.
Mum was muddled and confused. Wanted to go out but after half an hour she wanted to go back. Every suggestion I made from joining in with the craft session to watching tv was just rejected. I got the dominoes out and again I got told to put them away.
I am trying to get access to one of her savings accounts using the LPA. Have sent a certified copy of the finance LPA off but now they want their own form filled in. One section asks - does the account holder have capacity but in the final section it states that the account holder must sign the document along with ‘attorney’. How can Mum sign when I say she does not have capacity. I guess this side will only get worse but I need to start getting it organised to release more funds.
Frustrating day I think sums it up.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,761
Yorkshire
That does sound frustrating, 😟 lots of it's this but it's not where home and gp are concerned. I get the impression the more I read and hear that once someone has a dementia diagnosis a lot of drs seem to think its not urgent its just to be expected. The LPA thing sounds annoying too, not much point in form if you still have to fill in another and then get person who its for to sign, I thought that was point, to save them doing that.
GRRRRRRR on your behalf 😦:(o_O
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,943
South East
I’m sorry it was a difficult visit , some days like that here , I just put my head down and carry on, it much else you can do . You are entitled to change your mind as time goes on and the disease develops you might find the ch fits or it doesn’t , flexibility is a good thing . That’s annoying about the savings and Lpa 😕 these things are supposed to help us by making life a little easier . Hope next visit is better . Take care . Glad to hear oh is better now. 🤗. X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,002
In the next few months I may be moving mum, not because I don't think her current home is OK, but because we may well be moving a 150 miles away, and having mum near me makes more sense than having a long trek to see her every week. I've been thinking I now have a much better idea of what she needs than I did when I first looked at homes. If you are still not happy (and I think a score of 70%/80% happy is good enough), the maybe have a look at a few other homes, including the ones you liked before and see if the advantages outweigh the hassle of getting her there.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Thanks @Sarasa. I suppose I see things and I don’t think it is right but not sure if it would be better anywhere else and how I could find that out before I moved Mum. The new CH is good due to small amount of residents there, currently. The staff such as reception, admin are excellent as in they will take Mum out to Post office, walk etc which would not happen in an established home and will not continue long term in this one. The Carers are generally good but some are inexperienced. They have also lost some staff and hence recruiting again so at the moment have quite a few agency staff in who obviously don’t know the residents well. The one on Saturday was more interested in watching and commenting on the football results with a visitor that proactively being involved with the residents. The nurses ringing me to talk to Mum to calm her down. This could all of course be due to a lack of an active Manager but then in my mind the clinical nursing manager should be stepping up. Mum was having lunch the other day when one of the other non mobile residents was calling out that they needed the toilet but had to wait 10 mins as there was only 1 carer in the dining room and she could not leave. I over heard a discussion the other day between existing manager and area manager that staff/resident ratios were good but then in this case it seemed wrong. I do appreciate that something might have been going on that I was unaware of and I know one carer was having to take a client to the doctors.
I think if I move Mum I need her to deteriorate a little further to the point where she does not want to go out so much and maybe lose that awareness of what is happening to her. I talk out of ignorance and just plonking my thoughts down
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,943
South East
I hope these important issues resolve soon, it certainly doesn’t sound as if they have the correct ratio of staff . It is hard to know if you will jump out of the frying pan in to the fire but you can only do what you think is best . X
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,294
I can see the potential advantages of a care home with a small number of residents, it feels more homely and personal. How many residents are there now, and how many is the CH registered for? One issue is that few residents = comparatively few staff, so not necessarily anyone around to take up the slack.

My mother's CH has about 40 residents. The staff know all the residents individually, but it means there are enough staff to fill any gaps. The more senior staff always help out if necessary too. There are usually 3 carers in the lounge area, so that one or two carers can be on loo duty (two staff are needed for some residents as they have to be hoisted). I rarely see anyone having to wait for help.

Do you know when a new manager is starting?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
I can see the potential advantages of a care home with a small number of residents, it feels more homely and personal. How many residents are there now, and how many is the CH registered for? One issue is that few residents = comparatively few staff, so not necessarily anyone around to take up the slack.

My mother's CH has about 40 residents. The staff know all the residents individually, but it means there are enough staff to fill any gaps. The more senior staff always help out if necessary too. There are usually 3 carers in the lounge area, so that one or two carers can be on loo duty (two staff are needed for some residents as they have to be hoisted). I rarely see anyone having to wait for help.

Do you know when a new manager is starting?
It is registered for 70 beds of which 15 are for dementia. There are currently 9 on the dementia floor and 12 general residential. They have 2 Carers generally on the dementia floor and the ‘shared’ nurse covers breaks. 2 on the floor are in wheelchairs and I would say all are mid stage. I know the senior carer told me that each person is scored on their needs but that different authorities will determine different staff/resident ratios as they believe appropriate
Thank you for the information you provided on your Mum’s home as it does give me a comparison.
We still do not know when the new Manager will be starting or even if they have found one. There is also a new luxury home opening up the road shortly who are also recruiting so not sure if this is having an impact.

you are right @Woohoo I don’t know if I would be taking Mum out of the ‘frying pan and putting her in the fire’ I also have to be a bit careful as I can be quite susceptible myself to the ‘grass being greener on the other side of the fence’
 

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