1. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,862
    Female
    As you have noticed significant deterioration, I think I would strike while the iron is hot and move her to this care home. If you decide it isn't quite right, you can always move her to one of the preferred CHs later. Obviously it is better to only move her once, but the priority is that you know she's safe and has help 24/7. And even if we move our PWD to the care home which is no.1 on our list, we never know if it will work out anyway. As you say, she has lost her sense of time and is becoming disorientated and lonely - being in a CH does tend to smooth that out because there is always someone there to prompt and reassure.
     
  2. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Thanks @Sirena that is what I am going to do. Another conversation with Mum today. Initially she said after Christmas but after having a chat she saw that November would have lots of benefits for a trial. Mum said she will ring our contact there on Monday morning. I have already emailed said contact so she will be aware. I will also do an early morning phone call. Have told Mum I will come up and help her sort anything she needs and that it will be like planning a nice holiday away.
    I did nearly have a wobble when the lady who runs the local dementia cafe said it might not be a good move if Mum is at an earlier stage than the other 3 current residents in the dementia section. However as OH said to me, this could also apply to our other choice of homes at certain times. Just need to ensure brother is on board too, if not I will suggest he starts doing the twice daily plus phone calls and visiting 2 to 3 days a week. Thanks for your support it has really helped to make me feel I am heading in the right direction
     
  3. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    This post started with Mum asking for sugar to put in her coffee. As we move to the next stage of Mum’s journey it was by coincidence that today she asked me where the sugar was as she wanted some to put on her breakfast cereals. Another first.
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,862
    Female
    When we were with my mother the other day the carer asked if she would like sugar in her coffee - the carer looked at me, so I thought she wanted me to decide, so I said, well she never used to... and the carer said that nowadays sometimes she does, and sometimes she doesn't, she was just waiting for my mother to decide which it was this time!

    When my mother moved to the care home, I thought all the other residents were more advanced than her. But after she moved there I quickly realised that wasn't the case, and my mother didn't seem to have much problem fitting in. She spends a lot of time pottering around chatting to the carers and 'helping' them!
     
  5. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    I get the feeling that my Mum too will be wanting to help the carers. She also told the lady who showed her around what they needed to do to improve the gardens! I note your point about the stages. It did make me smile when Mum asked
    one of the residents how long she had been there. Residents said she did not know as she had forgotten but it seemed liked years and she quite liked it. The Home opened in August.
     
  6. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,637
    I remember that first post @Bikerbeth it was the same time that dad started taking sugar in his coffee for the first time in memory. He has doubled up recently to 2 teaspoons. He is still at home but really shouldn't be. Hope your mum settles well.
     
  7. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Surprised when I rang Mum this evening she said she had been trying to contact the lady at the Residential home but she was not there today. However she had been promised a phone call back tomorrow. Apparently she had then sorted out her jumpers. She did forget to tell me that she had tried to put the base of the kettle into the top of the kettle full of water (new kettle brought a while ago so base does not fit throw top) and that the neighbour had had to remind her how to lock her back door
     
  8. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Thank you. Still trying with the gentle persuasion although it did seem quite positive tonight. Brother is not keen for her to go into a home but will ultimately go along with what Mum wants. I read the stories on here and I am so grateful that Mum had some friends in some good care homes so does have a positive view of them. However I will not even be starting to ‘count my chickens’ until she had spent her first night there. It must be so worrying and stressful for you if your Dad is still at home but should not be. Hugs to you
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Long phone call with brother today regarding care home for Mum. He was trying to suggest alternative solutions which was fair enough. He suggested installing some CCTV and then if Mum had problems finding something, using remote control for TV we could ring and help her. I asked who was going to watch this CCTV footage all day
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,862
    Female
    I think your brother is grasping at straws. Your mother needs someone with her all the time to help and reassure her. Even if he spotted her struggling with something he wouldn't necessarily be able to resolve that from afar. No sooner would he solve one problem than he would encounter another (only, it wouldn't be him looking at the CCTV would it... I guess that would mainly be delegated to you!) And it is only a matter of time before her being alone becomes a H&S risk, as shown by the kettle issue. When my mother already had carers in for 4 hours a day, after they left for the day she set fire to a crumpet under the grill which set off the smoke alarm, she had no idea what 'all the noise' was about - fortunately her neighbour was home. Neighbours do get fed up with bailing them out though, it's too much responsibility.

    I think people have an ingrained antipathy to care homes because all they know of them is the negative headlines when something goes wrong. Also, while the person is still living at home we see them as still being 'okay' - we can no longer think that when they move to a care home. If your brother was more involved with your mother's regular care (and had visited a couple of care homes) he may well have a different view.
     
  11. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    @Bikerbeth, my brother and I had different ideas about how to help my mother when she was at home too. Brother thought she would be fine in an extra care place he had found. It was nice, but I thought mum was past that stage and really needed to be in a care home. It wasn't till I was away for the weekend and he was having to field the phone calls when she got into a muddle that he started to agree with me.
    Glad your mum has positive thoughts about care homes. My mum visited quite a few friends and relatives in homes over the years and she hated them all, even the ones I thought were fine. That was one of the reasons I never told her she was moving to one!
    Hope it goes well this week and you get your mum moved.
     
  12. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    944
    Male
    North West
    Thats the problem isn't it @Bikerbeth, technology only has so much use. With mum its not if she wanders off, its stopping her from wandering which technlogy won't do.
     
  13. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    I think brother was the last person out of 3 that I spoke to yesterday that knew what was best to do for Mum and the post was a vent. This included her elderly friend who told me I should get her sectioned immediately as she can’t lock her doors properly and is not safe because she put the teabag into the kettle ( now tell me something I don’t know) I might not be perfect but I am doing more than any of them and doing my best.
    @Sirena - I think he is clutching at straws too. Yes you are right the assumption from him is that I would use the CCTV to keep an eye on her. He actually offered to have Mum for Christmas to ‘give me a break’ however Mum has in previous years said she would rather stay on her own than go there. Brother is very insular with his own immediate family and Mum often felt an outsider there.
    As far as I am concerned Mum is not safe on her own and is lonely so options are either a Care Home or full time care at home. I genuinely think Care Home is the right way to go and that is what I am gently pushing for
    @Sarasa i told my OH today that if brother is anyway responsible for Mum changing her mind then I will hand her care over to him and make him the main point of contact. It will be hard and I really would not like to do it so hopefully I am worrying unnecessarily
    .@Palerider you are absolutely correct - some technical logo works but it depends on the person and the circumstances

    On the positive, Mum has agreed to the Care Home Manager to visit her on Wednesday (basically to assess Mum) although of course they did not phrase it that way. Initial thoughts have been that Mum could have a room in the dementia section to receive extra support in the evenings/night when she gets confused but as she can still have some very good conversations she would be ‘free’ to mingle with residents in the other areas. Seems like a good idea but hopefully learn more in the next week. The month’s trial would then start the following Wednesday before she changes her mind.
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,830
    that made me smile!
     
  15. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,862
    Female
    That sounds a good idea @Bikerbeth, to let her mingle in the other area of the care home as long as she's able to.

    And I know what you mean about other people sticking their oar in. A couple of my mother's neighbours seemed to think I could magic up a care home within 48 hours. They were very keen on telling me what she needed, without having to deal with the stress and logistics of arranging it.
     
  16. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    Mum is in the dementia wing, but she and the other residents mingle for various activities, and I never really know whose from which floor of the home
    Mum was very distressed by the idea of being 'locked in' at first, but seems to have got used to it now. Unfortunalty if she was allowed to come and go as she pleased she'd be lost in about five seconds.
     
  17. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Thanks Sarasa that is helpful to know.
     
  18. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    449
    Bedford
    Difficult day today. Care home manager came to do an assessment. Mum had forgotten why she was coming. When I first arrived Mum was saying that she wanted to visit the home again because she hadn’t seen it properly and that she wanted to see the surrounding area and what shops there were etc. Then we had a 101 reasons why she could not leave her bungalow. And of course she was fine at home. Me saying it is just like going on holiday for a while so you will see what it is like when you stay and we can go exploring the area together. Round and round we went. Sorry to say I lost it and told Mum I was worried sick about her and yes she did loose her key regularly, trip the electrics, forget her medication etc etc and that is why I wanted her to at least try this care home. I went for a walk to calm down and have a cry. Arrived back and Care Home Manager had arrived. I left them to talk whilst I made the tea. Between the 2 of us we finally managed to get Mum to agree to go next Tuesday to stay for a month. I feel like a bully but really think it is for the best. Mum did say to me - if I really do do all those things I think I had better go into the care home and then said ‘especially as I am only going to get worse’. At which point we cried together.
    Brother has still not spoken to Mum about it after our conversation Sunday. I rang and left message for him tonight. No reply no text. So worried he will say something to Mum and she will change her mind. It will be hard enough keeping her on track as it is. Taking OH up there Friday as she does see him as a trustworthy male whose advise is considered better than her daughters because of course he is a ‘man’. Will see what happens tomorrow
     
  19. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,862
    Female
    I don't envy you going through this. I never told my mother about the move because I knew she wouldn't be able to cope with it. She too would have had a hundred reasons why she couldn't move, mainly involving her cat, and even if I 'solved' those (which obviously, I did!) she would not have been reassured. I think you just have to continue jollying her along and emphasising the positives.

    Re your brother, I think you said (?) that if he talks her out of it, you will hand over responsibility for her daily care issues to him. I suspect after a few weeks of that he would be very on-side.
     
  20. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    610
    I think you've done brilliantly @Bikerbeth. There was no way I could have got my mother to even agree to go and look at care homes. I'd flag it up as a mini-break to see how she likes it. I guess it is nearer to you so you can pop in to take her to see the shops etc. If she doesn't like it hopefully one of the other places will have space soon. Whatever it seems she really isn't safe to live independently anymore.
     

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