Suddenly in a very dark place

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by WIFE, Mar 13, 2015.

  1. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Having managed to clear the house without too much upset my husband's garage has emotionally floored me. The unfinished woodwork projects, his tools and car bits and pieces all provoke the memories I thought might be dormant - as did the five empty gin bottles! Now the tears are well and truly flowing - will they ever stop? Also find that now most of the paperwork is out of the way and life begins to resume some kind of pattern once more I find it harder than ever to remain positive about the future. I miss him so very much for so many reasons not least that he always checked my tyre pressures!
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,579
    Female
    Dundee
    Oh I'm so sorry to hear you've suddenly been hit with this wave of emotion. Nothing sensible to say really just sending you hugs and wishing you strength. xx
     
  3. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,955
    Dunno whether this will help ... hope it does.

    I've always thought grief is the price we usually have to pay for love and over the long term, it's always a price worth paying.
     
  4. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I don't think the tears will ever stop but I think they may lessen a little as time passes.
    I certainly hope so. I find it's the unexpected things that get to you.
    Those you know will cause upset can be faced with a certain amount of gritting of the teeth but then something just happens and off you go again!
    It caught me in M&S yesterday.
    In the men'swear section which I was only passing through - as I no longer have the need now to be searching for soft PJs and long-sleeved polo shirts.
    Just keep up with the Kl**nex.
    No, I don't have any financial interest in the company but I so wish I did! xxx
     
  5. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Thank you friends for your hugs, caring words and suggestions. Today feels a little better even though the sun is not shining and we have a very cold east wind. Like you say Saffie - it is the odd things - chocolate buttons being the best for setting me off in the supermarket especially if they are on offer. Do not venture near menswear yet but if I do will make sure to have a large box of men's size tissues to hand.
     
  6. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Di. That 'dark place' you write about is a truly horrible place; three months have passed since Pete's passing and I have resigned myself to always feeling this sad. I had a little bit of relief last week-but I will write about that later.

    People say that the first year is the worse time so I suppose it's a waiting game for us. When my ex husband left me for another woman I remember saying to a friend that I would have coped better if he had died:eek: What did I know? Nothing that's what! Nothing, nothing is tougher than losing someone you love-even if they are no longer the person that you fell in love with. They are still around when they haven't passed. You can still hold them, see them and care for them. On top of the physical loss it's the unfairness of it all that get's to me. Why our loved ones? Pete was such a good man and so bl---y kind to everyone he knew. But then there are times when I don't know what life is all about anyway:(

    Listen to me rambling on when I should be offering words of comfort;sorry Di-I will just offer words of empathy and finish by saying that I do hope that life becomes a bit easier as time goes on-and that wish goes out to anyone who has lost someone to dementia.

    Love,

    Lyn T XX
     
  7. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Thank you Lyn - you are so right when you say that everyone tells you that the first year is the hardest - all the anniversaries and special dates - I too through the years no doubt have said it to bereaved people too but what did we know. Every day is hard now - every day has some special remembrance - just a visit to the dustbin can set me off at the moment. My darling always dealt with the rubbish - made it his 'cause celebre' every Sunday evening - I now understand why he could not stand to see wastepaper bins in other people's rooms at the NH and went around rounding them all up in the corridor - felt he was still being useful by putting the rubbish out for collection no doubt. But these days when I am down in the dumps I make soup and now have enough in the freezer for a Boy Scout Brigade!

    Hope you are all feeling "up" at the moment Lots of love to one and all.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,550
    Kent
    I wish I could say something to help make it more bearable for you WIFE but there's no way of bypassing grief. In reality, I don't think you'd want to bypass it either.
     
  9. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,425
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    I am two and a half years out now and does it get easier? In a way it does, don't think of Ray all the time, in another way it doesn't as suddenly there is a couple in front of me, holding hands, sharing an ice cream, laughing together and BAM!! I am so jealous. See me hurrying for the nearest exit to hide my tears.

    Just hold onto those precious memories and smile through your tears if you can. If you can't have a good cry and get it out of your system for a while.

    Sue.
     
  10. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Thank you so much Grannie G - and you on your wonderful travels taking time to offer me support - how kind.

    Sunray - my love was also a Ray - now everything reminds me of my "ray of sunshine" not always with tears, sometimes laughter and quite a few times, frustration because he could be a very difficult man at times but I would give a lot to have him back to fix the dripping tap washer in the kitchen and find me the right screw to fix a drooping shelf.
     
  11. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,534
    North East England
    Hi WIFE - I have no experience of what you're going through but just wanted to send you a hug xx
     
  12. molly11

    molly11 Registered User

    Jan 24, 2011
    75
    Lancashire
    Hi Wife,
    How are you feeling?
    One of the most confusing things about grief, in my experience is that you're doing "ok" then it hits you all over again & you feel all the raw pain & despair that you thought you'd got through. It sets you back, it's awful.
    Another thing that I've found us people don't really ask anymore. Whether it's because they think you're "ok" now or don't want to upset, I'm not sure. But when people ask "hi, alright?" (which is a dreadful throwaway comment in my opinion!) I feel like saying "of course I'm not alright,my dad died less than a year ago & I miss him dreadfully!" But of course, I don't say that.
    Thinking of you & I'm sure TP will give you some support & hopefully, comfort from others who have been through similar
    Xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  13. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Life just goes on - Molly - some days easier and some days a feeling that nothing will ever be quite right again. Yesterday I knocked down an old rotten wooden log store that my husband built eighteen years ago. I kept apologising to him, could hear him saying - "you can't do it like that" - but I did and now the site is all cleared I expect he would be quite proud of me. Just have to keep going even when the going gets tough and I find doing physical things certainly helps rather than just sitting feeling sad. I totally agree with you over people. They seem afraid to ask in case you give them an answer they don't want to cope with. I feel as though I have become invisible but it suits me at the moment not to have to speak often about my loss. I hope you come to terms with the sad loss of your Father in time. Thinking of you WIFE
     
  14. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,425
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    WIFE, my name on here sunray is actually short for Sue and Ray so every time I log in I see that. It does get easier with time two and a half years for me now since Ray died, two months less for Mum. Th sadness is occasional rather than all the time, but now I can think of all those happy times as well as the sad ones and smile.

    Am I "over it" ? Well to the outsider it would seem so I guess. I think of myself now as almost "normal" whatever that means. For me it has always been one day at a time, from the time of Ray's first major strokes in 1999 to this day so that is the way I see life. As I age less is expected of me and how I respond to life is my choice so in a way that makes it easier.

    I can so relate to the unfinished woodwork projects. Last year I cleared out a lot of the garage with some help and when I found the cut-outs of a dolls' house lost it completely as all our grand daughters were born after 1999 so I never even thought that he might have prepared for a future grand daughter. Unfortunately it was water damaged and out the pieces went. You will get stronger as more time goes by to do all you have to do.

    Sue.
     
  15. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Sunray - Thank you for your caring post - its mental strength I need these days - not physical strength. My kindly next door neighbour - the one who only complains but never offers any help - told me yesterday I would not be able to knock down a very old reinforced concrete coal bunker. It took me three hours but some lads who need hard core for a re-building project are coming to collect the deconstructed thing tomorrow hopefully. How my back stands up I do not know having had surgery seventeen years ago - if only my mind was strong and not subject to tearful introspection without warning. Such silly little things are the trigger. WIFE
     
  16. Ab96

    Ab96 Registered User

    Apr 2, 2015
    12
    #16 Ab96, Apr 2, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2015
    Nothing sensible to say other than send you love and good thoughts x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  17. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Well of course the lads did NOT come to collect the coal bunker so unlike Chuggalug who has a defunct sofa littering up her garden - I have five pieces of horrible old concrete causing no end of distress amongst my neighbours who like our Close front gardens (open plan) all tidy and lickety spick. Now got to find a 'man with a van'.
     
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    I don't often peek in this section of the forum - is your garden now clear of concrete?

    If you need encouragement, I should, when it's daylight, post you a pic of the debris & rubbish littering part of my garden, waiting for son in law to take it away!:eek:
     
  19. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,990
    Cotswolds
    A skip, a skip, my kingdom for a skip! It's what I want for my birthday!

    Have you managed to get rid of the concrete WIFE? Thinking of you, sending a hug.
     
  20. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    You could always say it's part of your new garden landscaping scheme!;)
    I also live in a small close and some gardens are soooo immaculate.
    A neat row of daffodils gives way to a neat row of salvias or begonias and that's it.
    Needless to say, mine is not immaculate and has far more flowers and shrubs in it - and yes, weeds too, though I do try.
    I always think that if it concerns the neighbours so much, they could always offer to help!
     

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