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Sudden turn of events

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
It is bittersweet @margherita At least you know your husband is well cared for and not fretting for you. It shows the time was right for residential care and you won`t have to dread future visits,
Hi @Grannie G , it is really sad to see his deterioration. I don't want to pretend feelings I have never had for him, but , yes, it is sad to see the empty shell of the man he once was.
I keep wondering what happened that night when he escaped. Did he have a stroke which affected his language?
He has never been so utterly disoriented and lost in the impenetrable parallel world of dementia.
And I also wonder what use it is to try to ascertain what happened
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
It sounds like your husband is fine in his care home, though I know, from my recent visits to my mother, how strange it is when our loved ones no longer have any memory of us or what our connection to each other is.
I hope you are doing well, and establishing a new life for yourself after looking after him for so long.
Hi @Sarasa ,
My husband is now living in another world where nobody can enter. He doesn't seem to be unhappy or frightened, as far as I can understand. He is on anti-psychotic medication, otherwise he would be unmanageable. Despite the medication he has episodes of aggressiveness, mainly triggered by someone's trying to make him do something he is unwilling to do. Yesterday , for instance, he bit a nurse.
Thanks goodness he is not at home with me. I couldn't have coped with him.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
My mother was put on an IV in the nursing home here when she stopped eating and drinking. I don't know if it was done by a doctor or nurse. After a few days, it was removed as she was at end of life.

If your husband is at end of life, I would think they would not use the IV, but I am not a doctor.
Hi @Canadian Joanne ,
Apologies for my belated reply to your post.
About the drip, I will ask his GP, who is on holiday currently, when she is back. I don't have a clue what health care protocol they have to keep to.
He doesn't look to be too bad, but I am judging from his outward appearance.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
@margherita it sounds like your husband is doing as well as can be expected in the home. You say he was properly dressed and clean-shaven and seemed contented enough. I think that's the best we can hope for,
Hi @Canadian Joanne he is in a good care home which , luckily, he can afford. It would be unthinkable caring for him at home. I have decided I will visit him once a week to check he is regularly well cared for, even if he doesn't have a clue who I am.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
1,625
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Newcastle
Hi @margherita it sounds as though he is being well looked after and that his needs are being met. That is about as good as it gets. Visiting once a week seems fine for as long as you see the need but don't worry if it becomes less frequent, as he seems unaware. I hope that you can start to have a social life with friends again. You have done what is best for him and now need to think about yourself.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
That sounds like a good plan. At the end, I only visited my mother once or twice a week.
Hi @Canadian Joanne ,
A friend of mine instilled the doubt that my husband looked so well cared for because they knew I would visit him.
I don't think so badly of the staff, also because the care home has a good reputation, but you never know.
A weekly visit might be useful
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @margherita it sounds as though he is being well looked after and that his needs are being met. That is about as good as it gets. Visiting once a week seems fine for as long as you see the need but don't worry if it becomes less frequent, as he seems unaware. I hope that you can start to have a social life with friends again. You have done what is best for him and now need to think about yourself.
Hi @northumbrian_k ,
This is a period of transition and adjustment for me.
I have some long-term plans ( as long as my age allows me to) , which might include my moving to the seaside not far from where my son is living and working.
Currently I am trying to build up a bit of social life here where I live. I like being on my own and seldom feel lonely, but I would also enjoy a chat over a coffee or a pizza .
Well...work in progress
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,267
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67
Toronto, Canada
Hi @Canadian Joanne ,
A friend of mine instilled the doubt that my husband looked so well cared for because they knew I would visit him.
I don't think so badly of the staff, also because the care home has a good reputation, but you never know.
A weekly visit might be useful
I think it was rather unfair of your friend to instill doubt. I realize that you currently have to make appointments to visit your husband but when that requirement drops, you could vary the day and time of your visits.

There were, of course, some problems with my mother's home. But I would discuss my concerns with the management and staff in a rational manner and we managed to work things out.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
1,625
0
Newcastle
I agree with what Canadian Joanne says. Prior to Covid restrictions I used to visit my wife 3-4 times a week without notice. Days and times varied so there was no set pattern. Even in the earliest days when she was resistant to personal care, I could see that the staff had made an effort. This could not have been just to please me as they did not know when I would call. Now, although my visits are booked through senior staff, unless they have looked in the diary the care staff are not always aware that I am visiting. They take pride in residents' appearance as part of dealing with them as human beings not to put on a show for visitors.

I hope that you'll find something similar and learn to ignore negative comments from people who don't know what they are talking about.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
H
I think it was rather unfair of your friend to instill doubt. I realize that you currently have to make appointments to visit your husband but when that requirement drops, you could vary the day and time of your visits.

There were, of course, some problems with my mother's home. But I would discuss my concerns with the management and staff in a rational manner and we managed to work things out.
I @Canadian Joanne , I agree, my friend should have shut up, because she knows nothing about my husband's care home, but once the seed of doubt has been planted, it is difficult to ignore it.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
I agree with what Canadian Joanne says. Prior to Covid restrictions I used to visit my wife 3-4 times a week without notice. Days and times varied so there was no set pattern. Even in the earliest days when she was resistant to personal care, I could see that the staff had made an effort. This could not have been just to please me as they did not know when I would call. Now, although my visits are booked through senior staff, unless they have looked in the diary the care staff are not always aware that I am visiting. They take pride in residents' appearance as part of dealing with them as human beings not to put on a show for visitors.

I hope that you'll find something similar and learn to ignore negative comments from people who don't know what they are talking about.
Hi @northumbrian_k , I haven't even been allowed to see my husband's room. I have to rely on what they say. That's why my friend could easily plant the seed of doubt in my mind ( by the way, in Italian we say " put a flea" in someone's ear").
Restrictions about care homes are very strict and the " covid emergency " will (hopefully expire) on December 31st if another wave of another variant has not spread by then.
It will take months to be allowed to visit without booking, and, as you say, I should learn to ignore negative comments.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi everyone,
This morning I visited my husband in the care home where he has been living since June 10th.
He was a bit unsteady on his feet, but on the whole he seemed to be well and in a good mood. He kept talking to me even though he doesn't have a clue who I am. He hasn't been able to string words together to form a meaningful sentence for months, but now he is also slurring words and speaking in a low voice , so what he says is completely unintelligible. The only intelligible word was when he called me by my name. I don't think he knows who I am or where he is now, but it was surprising to hear him say my name. He used to call me hundreds of times a day when he was still at home. Might my name be still in his memory even if he doesn't know whom to associate it with?
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
1,625
0
Newcastle
I would say @margherita that your name will be remembered while you may not appear to be. Sometimes he may link your name to your physical presence but more often not. Be prepared to be asked where M is. My wife would say 'where's K?' to anyone, including me, as in 'K, where's K?'. Now she is at the stage of talking in a barely audible voice and mostly nonsense. She does seem to know who I am on occasion but I learned long ago that it doesn't matter whether she does or not.

As for fleas and ears that is an expression used here too. In fact the last one I dispatched still hasn't crawled back out of my sister-in-law's ear and we have lost touch since. That is something else that doesn't matter. Dementia has shifted my perspective on what is truly of importance. Wishing you the best.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
I would say @margherita that your name will be remembered while you may not appear to be. Sometimes he may link your name to your physical presence but more often not. Be prepared to be asked where M is. My wife would say 'where's K?' to anyone, including me, as in 'K, where's K?'. Now she is at the stage of talking in a barely audible voice and mostly nonsense. She does seem to know who I am on occasion but I learned long ago that it doesn't matter whether she does or not.

As for fleas and ears that is an expression used here too. In fact the last one I dispatched still hasn't crawled back out of my sister-in-law's ear and we have lost touch since. That is something else that doesn't matter. Dementia has shifted my perspective on what is truly of importance. Wishing you the best.
Hi @northumbrian_k ,
I think my husband is at the same stage as your wife. Unlike many people on here, my husband's not recognising me doesn't really matter and it is even a relief because it makes things easier for both of us.
I don't know what happened with your sister-in-law, but I have made up my mind that anyone who affects my serenity must stay out of my life because my emotional wellbeing is my priority now.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,212
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi everyone,
My husband has been in permanent care for four months.

After the deep sense of relief, which lasted a few weeks, I went through a period when I realized how completely lonely I was. My husband's dementia had somehow filled my life , even though with exasperation and anger.
If I take stock of my current life, I can realize I am now enjoying my loneliness and consequent freedom most of the time, but, above all, I am no longer the rancorous and angry person I had become.
When I read here on TP that being no longer a carer usually changed the relationship with one's PWD, I thought it would never happen to me. Instead, it did happen.
When I go and visit him , generally once a week, I can feel human compassion and my rancour and anger are now in the past, where they belong.
He doesn't have a clue who I am or where he lives, but he seems to be pleased to see me. And I have come to the conclusion that , if with little or no effort from me, I can give him a short ( and soon forgotten) moment of happiness, why shouldn't I do it?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,821
0
Southampton
Hi everyone,
My husband has been in permanent care for four months.

After the deep sense of relief, which lasted a few weeks, I went through a period when I realized how completely lonely I was. My husband's dementia had somehow filled my life , even though with exasperation and anger.
If I take stock of my current life, I can realize I am now enjoying my loneliness and consequent freedom most of the time, but, above all, I am no longer the rancorous and angry person I had become.
When I read here on TP that being no longer a carer usually changed the relationship with one's PWD, I thought it would never happen to me. Instead, it did happen.
When I go and visit him , generally once a week, I can feel human compassion and my rancour and anger are now in the past, where they belong.
He doesn't have a clue who I am or where he lives, but he seems to be pleased to see me. And I have come to the conclusion that , if with little or no effort from me, I can give him a short ( and soon forgotten) moment of happiness, why shouldn't I do it?
its nice to hear that you are enjoying life more without the angst that went with it. and nice that you can visit without anger and happy just to be
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
1,625
0
Newcastle
You have great generosity of spirit @margherita and you are right that it does not take much effort to bring just a few moments of happiness into someone's life. Who you were and what you meant to each other is in the past. Compassion for his situation does not alter what went before but you are beyond that now. Your loneliness is being replaced by a new strength as you get used to living alone. I hope that your freedom gives opportunities for you to re-engage with others if and when you wish to do so. Wishing you all the best.
 

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