Such a strong lady

[clarethebear]

My Nanna has now been atleast 5 days without food or drink and is still hanging in there. It is surprising how stong the body and mind of a person is.

She rarely wakes now and seems to be in no pain now as they are not giving her as much morphine now. She looks so comfy snuggles up in bed. The hopsital have been great and are taking real good care of her, which is nice as you hear stories.

One of my friends has her heart in the right place but is doing my head in. She is an alchoholic and phoned up last night asking to come round. I thought I'd put her off but no she turned up at my door drunk and saying she will be back tonight to check on me. I really don't need this at the moment, has anyone any suggestions on how to get rid of her (just while I go through this difficult time in my life) as the last thing I need is a drunk in the house while I wait for the dreaded call. I'v told her I might be out tonight trick a treating with my son, but I don't see why I should have to go out or hide in the house from her.

Also at the moment I don't know who to feel with regards to my mum and my uncles and aunty. My mum is due to go on holiday for a week on Tuesday and has said she will be going no matter what. As my mum gets back my Uncle and Aunty are going away. I know they have their lives to live but I just feel it a bit strange that their mother is on her death bed and they keep going on about holidays, and how they will be going no matter what.

Sorry for off loading a bit towards the end of this post but I feel TP is the only place I can talk openly at the moment. My head is just spinning at high speed at the moment and even when I try and get some sleep my head still spins.

Thank you for listening.

Take Care
Clare

 

[connie]

Thanks for talking and sharing with us.

Clare, there are no rights or wrongs. People have to plan, and spend, their lives as they see, and live with their conscience.

You are obviously a very compassionate young lady,so do what is right for you (and Nanna)

As for your friend who likes a drink, just do not open the door. You have more that enough to cope with at the moment. Please look after yourself.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Clare,

You are right, some people are very strong and your grandmother seems to be one of them. My mother was strong too, perhaps it`s that generation.

I would tell your alcoholic friend you need to be alone while you are waiting for news. Or I wouldn`t answer the door [you could always be having a bath]

As far as your mother, umcles and aunty`s lives are concerned, you have to let them get on with it. You can only do what your conscience dictates, and know you are doing the right thing.

Love xx

 

[Kate P]

Hi Clare,

Although it is very sad I'm glad your nan is so peaceful.

As to the friend - well I'd either just not answer the door or I'd tell her straight that you appreciate her looking after you but you really need to be on your own right now and you'll call her when you feel better. Say this at the door, give her a hug and send her on her way. I wish you luck with that!!

As to your family... well it's difficult isn't it? Everyone has different standards and perspectives on what the "right" thing is to do.

I experienced a similar situation in my own life. My fiancee was fatally injured in a work accident but he held on for two weeks before he died. In that time his mother visited him at the hospital once (screamed and ran out) and then spent the next two weeks shopping and in casinos and hot tubs (he was in Vegas at the time).

Finally, when they said he would die in the next few hours I went to get her. Her response was "if he's going to die without coming round what difference does it make if I'm there or not?"

However, after he had died and the funeral was being arranged etc that woman weeped and wailed and flung herself around. Was she truly grief stricken? I have no idea but I was bitter and angry for a long time but in time I came to realise that my anger didn't affect her and I could only be responsible for me and my actions.

As unbelievable as it seems to you, they've got to do what they think is right as have you. Could it be that they're in denial? Where they close to your nan? All of these things could affect their actions.

Thinking of you at this sad time.

 

[janetruth]

hello Clare.

This is a very sad time for you and from what you are saying about your family, your friend will more than likely be the only shoulder to cry on, when you need it.

You have to be honest with your friend, try to talk to her when she hasn't had too much to drink, do it before she turns up on your doorstep.

I'm sure your Nan would want you all to ' get on with your lives '.
In reality though, for most people, there is usually time needed to deal with new emotions, that take over.

Be forgiving towards your family, they might be surprised when their reactions are not what they are expecting.

I wish you well
Take care
Janetruth x

 

[Skye]

Dear Clare, what a stressful time for you, and I'm sorry you're not getting more support from your family.

Regarding your friend, I agree with the others, you shouldn't allow her to visit you just now. The trouble is, when people have drunk too much, they tend to get maudlin. They think they are supporting you, but in fact they only make you feel worse. Preferably tell her that you can't cope with any visitors at the moment, but if you feel you can't handle this, just don't open the door. Try to avoid having a row, though, you may appreciate her friendship later.

As for your mum and aunt and uncles, I agree that it's strange that they feel comfortable going on holiday when your nanna is dying. It's not something I'd be able to do, but everyone is different, and you can only allow them to make their own decisions. Try not to criticise them, you're going to need their support, too.

I wish you strength to see you through this time, your nanna is lucky to have such a caring granddaughter.

Love,

 

[Amy]

Hiya Clare,
When my mum died in July I was with her, my brother was away. She had recovered from one infection and we had been told that it was quite likely she would live several more weeks. I know that is a different situation to the one that you are in.

I do know though, that I am pleased that I was able to be with my mum during her final days; that it broke my brothers heart that he was away. And what a mobile phone bill he had, as my dad and I kept calling him in Egypt - and it charged him too!!

Love Helen

 

[Margaret W]

Dear everyone, especially Clare,

Dealing with inevitable death is different for everyone. Some are matter-of-fact about it, some break down in tears, some opt out and go on holiday.

Everyone is different.

9 years ago, I had a good friend whom we knew was about to die of colon cancer. It was obvious in the few days previous that the end would be soon. He was a work colleague that I got on particularly well with. I had met his mother, his partner and his children years earlier.

On the day that he was expected to die, his wife asked me not to go. But I went anyway. I arrived expecting to find her there. I asked the staff where she was. They told me "She has gone to get her hair done". Right. I sat with him throughout the day. I mopped up residues, I won't go into details here. At about 4 p.m. a doctor arrived and said "are you his wife?". No, I said. "Where is she?" "She has gone to get her hair done". Eyebrows raised. He was comatose. The doctor asked how long he had been like this, and I said "all day". "How can I get in touch with his wife?" she asked. I said I had no idea. At 5 p.m. I left. I hated having to do so, as his wife had still not appeared.

At 10 p.m. he died. The hospital managed to contact his wife with her newly-quaffed hair-do, and fortunately also his mother. So at least they were there when he died.

I can't criticise, but it seems to me that his wife simply could not face the day that he was expected to die. To go off and get your hair done is a sign of not coping, I would think. I am just glad that I was able to be there for the majority of the day, cos his wife couldn't do it.

Clare, maybe your relatives are like my friend's wife. They just can't cope, so are trying to carry on as normal, perhaps hoping it won't happen.

Don't feel to hard on them, everyone has a different level of coping.

Now, regarding your friend who is an alcoholic. I have a bit of experience here. Alcoholics are known for thinking deeply about things and getting them out of perspective. You will just have to tell her that you very much appreciate her concern, but that you feel you need to cope with it alone, for your own sake. Tell her her help is very much appreciated but you would feel better if you coped with it on your own. Don't mention any other supporters, cos she will probably think that she is the most important one. Just say it is something you have to do alone, and that you will appreciate her support afterwards.

I do hope this helps. Your situation is very sad, and you must always come to this site for help. We will all do our best, and feel free to ignore our amateur advice if you don't think it is helpful.

Much love

Margaret

 

[Taffy]

Dear Clare, I am glad that your nanna is at least peaceful and well cared for by the hospital. I can understand your feelings about your mum, uncle and aunt and I can't understand them leaving their mum at a time like this either. But, it is not for us to judge as everyone lives their life to their own choosing. Clare, I think myself I would rather have the people around that truly choose to be there.

Now, for your friend I can relate to that as my friend is also a alcoholic and we have been friends since meeting in 1960, our first day of school. With alcoholics it's hard to get through to them at times and even harder for them to take no for a answer. I take it your friend lives in walking distance of you. Boy this is the last thing you need right now.

I go along with others you need to be straight or you will probably spend the night sitting in silence not knowing when the knock on the door will come, plus the phone calls and you need to have the phone free in-case the hospital needs to make contact. Good Luck!!! your going to need it. Regards Taffy.

 

[clarethebear]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I think you are all right, maybe my mum etc, can't cope with the thought of my Nanna going. And this is their way of trying to cope. It turns out that my Uncle and Aunty are going away in this country and have decided if necessary to put their holiday off. They have also said if anything happens while my mum is on holiday they will wait for her return before holding the funeral. They have also decided the funeral will go from my Nanna's house, which is still in the family, which is nice as my Grandads funeral left from there nearly 16 years ago.

As for my friend some of you have hit the nail on the head. She thinks she has all the answers and that is just her way. Last night I went out trick or treating with my son so was out of the house most of the night. However not long after getting home the phone went so I ignored it, she left a message. Either someone had spoken with her or my angel was looking down on me. She said that she will leave me for the time being to cope in my own way and if I need her to give her a ring. I just hope she sticks to what she has said.

My sister has always been very close to our Nanna, but has not been to see our Nanna yet in the hospital. Or so I thought. With speaking to my sister yesterday (which we do everyday, as we are close) she did go to the hospital the other night, but wanted to go on her own with no family knowing. She broke her heart and said she cryed most of the time, but a nurse sat with her listening to her and her stories of our Nanna. I'm glad she went and I have promised not to mention it to any of the family until she is ready.

Before I joined the TP, I read quiet a lot of the posts and on most of them they said. How much TP had helped them and how it was their lifeline. I thought, yeh right could it really help that much. Well it does and I am so glad to have met everyone here and I am greatfull of all the help you have all given to me.

Take Care
Clare

 

[Skye]

Clare, thank you for your post. It sounds so much more positive, even though the situation with your nanna hasn't changed.

It's good that your friend has got the message, without your having to spell it out for her. And it's also good that your sister went to see your nanna. I can understand her wanting to spend some time on her own with her nanna, I think that's so important.

As for the family holidays, it sounds as if they've thought about it carefully. I'd suggest that you don't talk to them about it any more, and leave them to consider it. They could change their minds, the situation could change, or things could all work out well for everyone. I do hope so.

I'm glad you're finding TP helpful, it genuinely is a lifeline for so many of us.

Love,