Stupid, stupid, stupid

[jc141265]

How stupid am I? 6 years down the track and I still can't seem to let go of hope no matter how nonensical it is. Dad after fading away for the last 3 weeks is suddenly 'back' with a vengeance. He was so 'with it' today it made my heart ache. He was asking me 'what?' he was talking to me (not that I could understand much of what he was saying), he was leading me around the home, his bloody brain appeared to be having a power surge even though I was sure th electricity was cut off weeks ago!

It made me yearn to have him back again, so badly. He was so close, but yet so far away still. It was like he was at the bottom of a hole scrabbling to get back up to the light and I didn't have a rope or anything to throw him. Stupid me made some prayers for a miracle it was the best I could do for him...although logic tells me I am being ridiculous. I guess I'm just so used to Dad being able to come out on top despite the odds, thus the hope won't leave me, but god it is killing me! The child logic is still there too, some unlucky miracle caused this disease to come, the child in me says, so who says some lucky miracle can't fix it?? The adult in me says 'Natalie, noone has ever beaten this disease'. Spoilsport!

I want him back! I want him back! I want him back!
<wipe tears from the keyboard>

Oh god I had a really good sob there. Thanks for letting me blather on.

 

[PurplePoppy]

Rant & Rave

Dear Nat,

I am fairly new to TP, but after reading your post I wanted to let you know you are not alone. This site is a godsend, in that we can ask advice, but perhaps more importantly we can rant and rave, and pour our hearts out, knowing that the readers understand as they have been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

 

[Mjaqmac]

Dear Nat

Glad you feel better after a good sob. God knows we all need one now and then and this illness takes us to hell and back on a daily basis.

Everything you are feeling I have also felt, mum came back many times before we lost her completely, sometimes it was wonderful and sometimes it was like a cruel joke to have her, then have her snatched away again.

Everything you're feeling is normal (if there is any normality with this illness) know that you aren't alone and everyone here understands and feels for you and with you. Keep writing, your posts are heartfelt and help others as well as yourself.

Best wishes.

 

[jc141265]

Thanks Magic, I am sorry that you too have gone through this, but it was comforting to know I am not alone...logically I know that, but it was nice to hear that someone understood as well.

Thanks again,

 

[Sheila]

Dear Nat, these moments cut like a knife don't they. It's so cruel this illness. It steals them from us bit by bit, then tantalises us with hope again. I do feel for you my love, I cried so much I sometimes ran out of both voice and tears. I hate this darn disease! All you can do is be there and love him, as he was, as he is now. The disease can't steal those memories from us and we can share ours with our loved ones cheated of their own. That is the only way we have to beat it. Perhaps one day the miracle cure you dream of will be a reality. Till then, we have to fight the disease by not letting it destroy the love and precious yesterdays we've had with those we love who now are caught in its awful clutches. Love and hugs, She. XX

 

[rummy]

Nat, I think we all know how you feel. One day my Mom called me when I was a bit sick and she was trying so hard to be the "Mom" and give advice. Not quite like her old self but trying so hard to be the parent. It had been so long since I felt like she was parenting me instead of the other way around, I was doing dishes and bawled like a baby. That kind that feels like it is coming from the soles of your feet. I guess if I had held it in I would have ruptured something so I'm glad for the melt down. I now have them regularly ! It is almost easier if they just stayed one way so we could get used to it instead of the back and forth!

Hang in there.
Debbie

 

[connie]

Dear Debbie, your last sentence says it all. For my own part I could cope much better without the ups and downs, the good and bad days. But hey, what am I saying, I could not live with all bad days, so its swings and roundabouts.
Regards to all, Connie

 

[Norman]

Nat
I do know exactly what you mean,and I feel for you.
I have just gone through a rough period with Peg,she wasn't my Peg and I didn't like her very much.
I have spoken of my three wives before,the awkward contentious one,the poor humble little old lady and my Peg.
My Peg is back and the thoughts about wrong diagnosis,could this be an unusual case and they have it all wrong all come into the mind again?.
Dreams,silly thoughts wishful thinking.
I have just helped her to bed,hoping that tomorrow morning my Peg is still with me and not one of the other two.
Day by day
Best wishes
Norman

 

[Mjaqmac]

Stormin' I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a bad time with Peg. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you both.

 

[jc141265]

Oh Norman you said it excactly!

Silly dreams and hoping they will be here tomorrow.

Thanks for your words.