Studying at Uni - Mum has early onset

Meg18

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
7
0
Hi,
Earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in her 50s while I was away at uni. I have looked into support groups but everyone seems to be much older than me, with partners/ parents older than my mum and I struggle to relate to their situations.
I am hoping to find people in a similar situation to me - sometimes it feels like I'm the only one.
Is anyone else in a similar situation/ has experienced this?
 

Fyodor7

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
2
0
I know how you feel

Hi,
Earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in her 50s while I was away at uni. I have looked into support groups but everyone seems to be much older than me, with partners/ parents older than my mum and I struggle to relate to their situations.
I am hoping to find people in a similar situation to me - sometimes it feels like I'm the only one.
Is anyone else in a similar situation/ has experienced this?

Hi Meg, I'm 23 and my Mum was diagnosed with early-onset when I was 18 during my first three weeks at university. I can relate to how you're feeling and would be very happy to help you cope with this tumultuous and tragic situation.

Ask me anything and hopefully you can find solace in the fact that you're most certainly not the only one.

Look forward to hearing from you.
 

Meg18

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
7
0
Hi Meg, I'm 23 and my Mum was diagnosed with early-onset when I was 18 during my first three weeks at university. I can relate to how you're feeling and would be very happy to help you cope with this tumultuous and tragic situation.

Ask me anything and hopefully you can find solace in the fact that you're most certainly not the only one.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Fyodor,

Thanks for your quick reply! It's very comforting just to know someone has experienced a similar situation

Though I have had suspicions about my mum's illness for a while she was officially diagnosed during my 2nd year final exams earlier this year and it meant waiting a further month to see her after the diagnosis.

I suppose one of the things I am wondering is how you coped with being away from home while all this is happening?
 

Fyodor7

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
2
0
Fyodor,

Thanks for your quick reply! It's very comforting just to know someone has experienced a similar situation

Though I have had suspicions about my mum's illness for a while she was officially diagnosed during my 2nd year final exams earlier this year and it meant waiting a further month to see her after the diagnosis.

I suppose one of the things I am wondering is how you coped with being away from home while all this is happening?

Hi Meg,

No worries. That sounds tough, but it was right you prioritised your exams. I hope you still did well.

During my time at university my first priority was seeing Mum as often as possible, once every 2-4 weeks. This was as much as I felt I could realistically do without totally jeopardising my time at university - something Mum would not have approved of. This meant that when feelings of guilt inevitably occurred to me I could truthfully say to myself 'I am doing my best'.

In terms of coping in the more holistic sense, with grief, loss and a vast palette of other emotions, I took practical steps: I saw a grief counsellor at university, tried to stay on top of work so I didn't feel like I was floundering, exercised regularly to keep myself healthy, and filled my free time with the things I love doing and enjoyed myself, going out with friends, etc. These are quite boring steps that help anyone and your own emotional journey will be yours and yours alone. Only you know your relationship with your Mum and what she means to you and every child's grief is unique to them.

I would recommend considering seeing a counsellor, deciding which good friends you can trust when you need to talk, looking after yourself physically and mentally, and seeing your Mum whenever you can so you can have no regrets. Of course I also failed miserably trying to do these things, but when I did do them I felt much better. Try and avoid excessive drink, etc, as this makes matters worse.

Hope this helps and happy to expand if you like. Ask me anything else if you want. Goes without saying that I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles and I hope that you and your family are coping OK.
 

parrotface

Registered User
Sep 12, 2016
11
0
Wales
Hi Meg
My daughter is at Uni and lives away from home, I don't expect her to do anything other than to concentrate on her studies. It is hard I know but like myself I would think that would be what your mother would want you to do. My daughter has been very supportive and has confided in a few friends she can talk to. She has also attended a few sessions with me and my psychologist and also spoken to my consultant and my OT and my GP without me being present which she has found very helpful. This has enabled her to talk to professionals where she can ask any questions. Remember she is still your mother, she may now forget or do silly things like I do but my daughter and I still have an excellent relationship and I don't want her to worry about me just live her life to the full and enjoy her Uni years.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,050
0
Salford
I'm with parrotface on this one.
Two of our children were at university when my wife (their mum) was diagnosed with early onset AZ in her mid 50's and both were over 150 miles away. Eight years later they're back at uni now doing phd's and they visit when they can.
We had children for the joy they bring not to have some helpers for when we got old.
It is difficult, as you say the system is geared to the more elderly and at a mere 60 I'm one of the younger people who has a partner with AZ but I can still learn things from people of any age.
K
 

Meg18

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
7
0
Hi Meg,

No worries. That sounds tough, but it was right you prioritised your exams. I hope you still did well.

During my time at university my first priority was seeing Mum as often as possible, once every 2-4 weeks. This was as much as I felt I could realistically do without totally jeopardising my time at university - something Mum would not have approved of. This meant that when feelings of guilt inevitably occurred to me I could truthfully say to myself 'I am doing my best'.

In terms of coping in the more holistic sense, with grief, loss and a vast palette of other emotions, I took practical steps: I saw a grief counsellor at university, tried to stay on top of work so I didn't feel like I was floundering, exercised regularly to keep myself healthy, and filled my free time with the things I love doing and enjoyed myself, going out with friends, etc. These are quite boring steps that help anyone and your own emotional journey will be yours and yours alone. Only you know your relationship with your Mum and what she means to you and every child's grief is unique to them.

I would recommend considering seeing a counsellor, deciding which good friends you can trust when you need to talk, looking after yourself physically and mentally, and seeing your Mum whenever you can so you can have no regrets. Of course I also failed miserably trying to do these things, but when I did do them I felt much better. Try and avoid excessive drink, etc, as this makes matters worse.

Hope this helps and happy to expand if you like. Ask me anything else if you want. Goes without saying that I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles and I hope that you and your family are coping OK.


Fyodor,

I feel as though I am taking a very similar approach to how you have described - I'm also looking into support groups for younger people as I think this would possibly be helpful. I am going through the process of signing up for counselling at the uni - it's good to know that you have used a similar resource as I was unsure how helpful this would be.

Of course I am very sorry to hear of your struggles also - it's a wonderful thing to use your experience to help someone such as myself though, so thank you.
 

Meg18

Registered User
Oct 25, 2016
7
0
parrotface and Kevinl,

It's so refreshing to hear parents' perspectives on this, thank you for your comments!
At the end of the day I want to make my parents proud by doing well at Uni, so I will definitely make that my goal.
Next week I'll be going home so I think this means quality time with mum and to also give my parents time to relax and have fun separately which I am so happy to be able to do, as I think this is often much needed for both them and for me.

How lovely it is that you're so supportive of your children - your words really have touched me.
 

PatsyMay

Registered User
Oct 29, 2016
1
0
studying and worrying

Hello all, Ive just joined this forum and was very interested in what is being said.
Our daughter is in her second year at uni. My husband is 61 and was diagnosed with FTD 2 years ago. I feel really strongly that our daughter should enjoy herself as much as possible at uni and not feel responsible for my husband or myself. Easier said than done, I know, but although I tell her some of my worries, I try to find help and support elsewhere.
I know that my husband would want our daughter to get the most out of her uni experience and it is uplifting for us both to hear of the exciting things she has been up to.
There is so much depressing stuff going on related to my husband`s dementia that when we hear from our daughter it is like a ray of sunshine!
I hope you all have a ray of sunshine every now and again.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Hello all, Ive just joined this forum and was very interested in what is being said.
Our daughter is in her second year at uni. My husband is 61 and was diagnosed with FTD 2 years ago. I feel really strongly that our daughter should enjoy herself as much as possible at uni and not feel responsible for my husband or myself. Easier said than done, I know, but although I tell her some of my worries, I try to find help and support elsewhere.
I know that my husband would want our daughter to get the most out of her uni experience and it is uplifting for us both to hear of the exciting things she has been up to.
There is so much depressing stuff going on related to my husband`s dementia that when we hear from our daughter it is like a ray of sunshine!
I hope you all have a ray of sunshine every now and again.

Welcome to TP :)

You'll find lots of support here.
 

feeb

Registered User
Sep 4, 2016
17
0
North East
University

I am sorry for not posting this response sooner.

I used to work as an academic - in fact I used to run a department and was responsible for 30 staff and many, many students. So I wanted to give you advice from a "professional" perspective even though I dont do this sort of work any more. I do differnt work now and also care for my husband who "very likely" has dementia. I have a step-son at home who is doing his final year at university and who is coming to terms with his dad's diagnosis and I have given his the same advice. It's this (apologies in advance for any insensitivity):

You absolutely owe it to yourself and many other people to do the best that you can and to make the most of your time at university. It is not selfish to put your studies first and it is important to think seriously about your own well-being and your capacity to do what you need to do to succeed.

This isnt a time in your life when your priority is to look after other people. Help where you can, but the thing that you owe other people is to fulfill your potential for the future. At the moment your job is to make the most of your opportunities; by doing so you are helping yourself become the best person you can be, which helps determine the best way you can contribute over your lifetime.

Your family will want the best for your while you are young. University staff want their students to succeed. Taxpayers support universities because they make economies and societies work. This is your time for making what you can of what is available to you; you have already done extremely well to earn your place at university and you should be proud of yourself.

It is important to make sure that your course leader/year tutor/personal tutor understand the situation that you find yourself in. They can take some steps to support you - e.g. they may be able to offer you extensions for assignments and the university may have counselling services they can offer you. All this is about supporting you and it is important to take up any offers of help. It is important to do this now rather than leaving it until you have work due/ exams coming up (I dont want to worry you here, just start any process you can). If you really needed to you might be able to negotiate time out. Ultimately, though, you will need to demonstrate your ability to do your course; so again the key thing here is to understand that you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to do what you can to succeed.

I really hope you are able to enjoy your course, make good friends, do lots of new things, have good fun and generally make the most of your time at university.

Please let me know if you have any questions you think I might be able to help you with. Take care of yourself and make everyone (even more) proud of you. x
 

bblb9

Registered User
Apr 13, 2016
8
0
Hi Meg,
My Dad has Alzheimers and i'm planning on going to University next September. I have constant worries that i'll be the first he forgets because i'm not around. If you ever need a chat let me know :)
 

BLouise90

Registered User
Apr 15, 2017
5
0
Hello,

I'm 26 and my Dad had dementia. Studying a post-grad course (but in London, also where my family live) so much easier to balance. However, I can still relate to being (somewhat) younger with caring responsibilities and how tough it is to balance everything abd make it work. Would love to chat to anyone with these similar experiences x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Hello,

I'm 26 and my Dad had dementia. Studying a post-grad course (but in London, also where my family live) so much easier to balance. However, I can still relate to being (somewhat) younger with caring responsibilities and how tough it is to balance everything abd make it work. Would love to chat to anyone with these similar experiences x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Welcome to TP :)
You'll find lots of support on the forum.
 

PhilippaL

Registered User
Apr 19, 2017
5
0
Hi (I replied to you on another thread as you're the most recent post I can find- everything else seems to be from last year!

Really sorry to hear about your dad- I can definitely relate. I'm 20 and my dad has early-onset Alzheimer's too. I'm at Nottingham uni studying neuroscience and my family live around an hour from there. I feel guilty when I'm at uni but I can often put it in the back of my mind. When I'm at home like I am now for easter, it makes everything very real! Today I had a bit of a breakdown about it all, and that's when I found this forum. There's so many worries I have that I'd love to chat about - I have friends but they never know what to say and I feel bad for them trying to comfort me as we all know there's nothing anyone can do really x

Hello,

I'm 26 and my Dad had dementia. Studying a post-grad course (but in London, also where my family live) so much easier to balance. However, I can still relate to being (somewhat) younger with caring responsibilities and how tough it is to balance everything abd make it work. Would love to chat to anyone with these similar experiences x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

BLouise90

Registered User
Apr 15, 2017
5
0
Hi Philippa,

Thanks for responding to my post! I'm sorry to hear about your dad too. I completely understand re friends knowing what to say. Sometimes it can be really helpful to think of positive things you can do together for e.g. my dad used to love doing cryptic crosswords. He can't manage these at all now but we do crosswords together that are much easier where I read out the clues. It's a nice way to spend time together too. How are you finding university? I imagine neuroscience is very hard going?

Please do PM me if you'd like to chat in private :) x
 

PhilippaL

Registered User
Apr 19, 2017
5
0
Hi Philippa,

Thanks for responding to my post! I'm sorry to hear about your dad too. I completely understand re friends knowing what to say. Sometimes it can be really helpful to think of positive things you can do together for e.g. my dad used to love doing cryptic crosswords. He can't manage these at all now but we do crosswords together that are much easier where I read out the clues. It's a nice way to spend time together too. How are you finding university? I imagine neuroscience is very hard going?

Please do PM me if you'd like to chat in private :) x

I have sent you a message x