Hello everyone, I've got a dilemma that is constantly going around in my head and I would really appreciate other peoples opinions. I'll try to keep it as short as possible but there is so much to consider. Mum and dad both have dementia. Mum is in residential care but this is not really working out due to her outbursts and the home are waiting for a CPN to assess her needs. if the deterioration is due to the dementia (which is will be) the they can no longer meet her needs. THey have said they would consider giving her some calming meds such as amotryptoline in order for her to stay in the home. The other residents sleep a lot and they don't want challenging residents. Mum and dad have been married 50 years, and dad is missing mum so much. But when they are together they argue like cat and dog most of the time. Although they do love each other dearly their relationship does not work like it should, and they wind each other up and there is verbal and physical abuse. Which is why mum had to go into care. Without dad around mum is so much better. When I see mum at the home her mood varies, from being very happy to be there to wishing she was dead. She is no longer able to understand why dad is not able to be with her although he visits 5 times a week. This upsets and frustrates her, why does he have to leave, who is he going home to, should they get divorced if he no longer wants her. All this and more is a constant in mums mind. She has started throwing glasses of water at one of the carers as this girl looks like one of the girls that cared for mum and dad at home. Mum had believed dad was having an affair, bringing up another woman's child etc. All crazy stuff but very real to mum. When dad visits he tells her he hates the situation, is not coping, wants her home, says she has to talk to me as I have LPA, and generally unsettles her. I have tried many times to talk to him about this but he either does not get it, or has not got the ability to. he has cognitive impairment and it is like talking to the cat! He will accept that mum can't move back home, but we have to go through all the reasons before he agrees it won't work. THis is a constant with him we have this conversation at least once a day. Mum has been in the home for 4 months. Mum says it's like prison, the bed isn't comfy, the rooms too small, she is bored, she is lonely, she hates being alone at night. She does have periods where she is quite lucid but then can suddenly go into a rant for hours about dad, and you cannot bring her out of it. I used to be able to but not now. So the home and social services have said start looking for a EMD home for mum. Dad is considering going with her but I've told him it won't work, and when we discuss it further he agrees. Mum would like to see more of me, but I have two young children and try to see her 3 times a week, one of which is a day out shopping or lunch with mum in her wheelchair, and dad comes too. I just don't know the answer, dad is not happy, mum is not happy. But they weren't happy together at home and it was a matter of safeguarding them both. Dad was so over friendly with the carers and it wound mum up. I can't get dad to change his behaviour, or mum. So is it a dementia home, or do we try changing her meds and introducing a sedative. I initially was appalled at the idea but she had seemed to settle well into the home until recently. and I've looked at other EMD homes and compared to the one she is in they are miles apart in terms of homeliness and it is a small home which suits mum. Wherever she goes she will take her behaviour with her and be tormented so is it better to leave her where she is with some sort of sedative. Absolutely not what I wanted to happen but is it better for mum to be more out of it as she is so tormented. She has been fully aware of her dementia but recently thinks there is nothing wrong with her. She was diagnosed with advanced dementia 2 years ago. Would an EMD home be better for her or do we go with the meds in the hope it will calm mum down so she can stay where she is. The staff are not training in dementia although the manager seems to have a lot of experience but she is not always on. Any thought would be appreciated.