1. Q&A: Medication - Thurs 22nd November, 3-4pm

    Do you have questions about medication and drug treatments for dementia? There's no drug to cure dementia yet, but it's often possible to relieve some symptoms.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Simon from our Knowledge Services team. He will be answering your questions on Thursday 22nd November from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Stuck in the middle

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by Stayingpositive, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Stayingpositive

    Stayingpositive New member

    Nov 6, 2018
    5
    i don’t know where to start in describing the situation of my elderly parents. So for now my biggest difficulty is how to best deal with/help my father. My mother is under COP and currently in a care home. My father is at the top of the scale for refusing the help of professionals but I end up constantly providing support because ‘he is my dad’. So far he is deemed to have capacity and as such is allowed to continue to to refuse assessment. He has major needs but my dilemma is do I withdraw my support to get him to face up to the situation which is seriously afeecting me?
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,260
    Male
    Cyprus
    Hello @Stayingpositive, you are welcome here.

    There comes a time when a persons needs outweigh their wants and it looks like that time is approaching for your father in view of the effect that the situation is having on you.

    Unfortunately the complication is that a person who is deemed to have capacity does have the right to refuse help. I think I have read posts in the past that have suggested that the only thing to do is step back if you cannot do more. Report your father to Adult Social services as a vulnerable person to whom they owe a duty of care(it's their legal duty, not yours) and tell them that you cannot do more - this may force their hand. However, if they still refuse because of lack of consent from your father, you may have no option but to let a crisis develop.

    I know that this is easier said than done, and I haven't faced the situation myself, but I don't see any other solution.

    Others may be along later, or tomorrow, to say what they have done in your situation.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,260
    Male
    Cyprus
    As a second thought, it may be worth your while talking to the experts on the help line about your situation. The details are
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
     
  4. Stayingpositive

    Stayingpositive New member

    Nov 6, 2018
    5
    Thank you so much for your reply. It was my mum having a stroke and safeguarding being involved that changed her situation and although she is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s she is ‘not too bad’ and as a result of having her care needs, medication nutrition etc is doing really well. I am convinced my father has a form of dementia and if only this was confirmed I could feel compassion for him as he is desperate now that is apart from my mum. Social services are involved but he is still not engaging with them. He has been seen by psychiatric nurse who was involved with my mum but he is an independent, proud old school and I have run out of ideas of how to get him to see life doesn’t have to be as tough as he is making it.
     
  5. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,260
    Male
    Cyprus
    Don't despair, others who have faced this may be along with their solutions.

    I know what you mean about 'old school' and that sometimes getting the GP on board can help as the older generation will obey 'Doctors orders' when they are steadfastly refusing all others.

    Do wait for other replies as the membership have vast collective knowledge and experience.
     
  6. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    484
    This is very common unfortunately and there are no easy answers. I can only speak about my own experience with MIL who had mixed dementia. She had no insight into her condition and as far as she was concerned she never needed any help. Because she had long term mental health issues before the dementia diagnosis both my husband and I were used to the passive aggressive tactics where she never took advice. However she did take notice of the doctor . My husband wrote his concerns to the GP who eventually did a home visit and from then a memory clinic referral. We already had POA before the dementia diagnosis so we just told her we were introducing a carer for a couple of hours a week to clean and provide company as she lived on her own. Of course she was rude and aggressive but to be frank we just ignored her. She was self funding and at that point we hadn't involved social services. The important thing was that she didn't want to be seen as different from anyone else. So we told her everyone of a certain age had these services and we involved a neighbour who used to come in to her and chat. The neighbour would gradually introduce the idea that she was getting a carer as well and that all this was normal. Gradually we added more visits until there were 3 visits a day. Eventually she had a crisis and went into a care home. I'm afraid sometimes you have to take a back seat. We knew that she needed a care home earlier this year but we also knew she would never have agreed. So we let things carry on until the crisis came. She went into hospital and from there a care home.
     

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