1. Dog Lady

    Dog Lady Registered User

    Dec 22, 2014
    This is my first post and as my title says I am struggling and finding it hard to cope with my MIL.

    My MIL is a very difficult and stubborn person. Over the last 18 months to 2 years myself and my husband have noticed that her short term memory is getting worse, she can't remember a phone conversation 2 hours previous, is making things up (people trying to break in, large sums money from 20 years ago that doesn't exist, visiting a new 1 bed bungalow council property but telling us its a 4 bed victorian house, getting verbally abusive, confused and she doesn't know what day, month or year we are in.

    To make matters worse she has very poor mobility but has told the council she can look after herself and is mobile. My husband does an online shop for her weekly, any clothes, electrical and books are all ordered online.
    She is also diabetic type 2 and is on insulin she's not eating properly and still injects thinking this will make her sugars higher and its ok to live off pot noodles, bread and microwave meals. I am diabetic and know that her care is very poor and she will not listen to me, her sugars have been dangerously low and she tried to inject herself rather than have lucozade and eat something, I'm scared she will go into a hypoglycaemic coma.

    My MIL has not showered in years, her house smells and she is becoming incontinent. We have just moved her into a smaller property and found dog excrement all over the house and urine soaked carpet as well as piles of rubbish all over the house.

    Its just myself and my husband, my MIL plays the guilt trip and then when we do things for her its never enough. DH was out until 10;30 last night as the boiler is broken, he found she had no food, her excuse was to say she couldn't deal with the food shop as the boiler wasn't working. She also refuses to contact anyone but DH and expects him to do everything, sort out the boiler, phone up about her bank account (we don't have POA) change her to a new GP.

    Tenancy support are suppose to be going out to do a assessment on her but we need some one to basically check on her daily and make sure she's not fallen over again.

    We're at the point where we can't take much more both our children are stressed as we can have up to 6 phone calls a day and at least one will last nearly 2 hours. Its like having a third child that lives 40 minutes away. We have contacted her GP and they were useless telling us unless she asks for help they can't do anything, she will never ask for help.

    Where do we go, what can we do?? The biggest problem is that she makes out to everyone she fine and can cope and for that quick 5 min chat one the phone or chat at the doorstep she looks to be ok. She has no contact with the outside world other than my DH.

    Sorry to rant

    Dog Lady
  2. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hello dog lady

    Youve hit the nail on the head.
    Getting the help when it takes insight into yours and their life is difficult.

    Get the local alz society officer to come and see you..ring social services for an assessment for your loved one and you.

    Your gp has a duty of care to your mum ..has she been referred to consultant for diagnosis?..
    You can insist ..i shouted until someone listened.
    Didnt make me popular but hey if they not helping a vunerable adult theyre failing...

    Sorry short but didnt want to go out without posting something.

    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hi dog lady and welcome.
    this stage is so difficult when they are just not coping, but have no insight to ask for help.
    I had the same problem with my Mum and could have written most of your post myself Fortunately mum is not diabetic, but everything else was pretty much the same - and she thought she had to swallow the eye drops for her glaucoma :eek:. I am assuming that your MIL does not yet have a diagnosis, so I think the first thing you need to do is get her GP on your side. Go and visit him/her and tell them what she is like, or print off your post and give it to them as it describes all the problems perfectly.

    I had problems as although mum went to a GP appointment and her GP knew she had dementia Mum wouldnt go to the memory clinic and kept hiding the appointments so I didnt know when they were. Mums GP also referred mum to social services who phoned her up(!) and asked how she was coping. Youve guessed already - she did all her own shopping, cooking and cleaning and didnt need any help at all, even though one look at her would tell you that she wasnt doing any of it :( Social Services promptly crossed her off their books :eek: By this stage I was tearing my hair out and just didnt know where to turn.
    Eventually she collapsed with a TIA and got taken into hospital where she was found to have lost a lot of weight and was severely dehydrated and all her dementia symptoms were very obvious. She went from hospital to a care home and has been there ever since. She is settled there and is well looked after, fed, meds supervised and is looking better than she had done for ages.

    Hang on in there - it will get sorted eventually, but start with the GP and see if you can get appointments sent to you so that you know when they are.
  4. Dog Lady

    Dog Lady Registered User

    Dec 22, 2014
    Thank you both for the replies. Its been a very strange day today as my DH had social services phone him in work and they are putting MIL at high priority to do an assesment :)
    I have no idea if they will see about her mental health but hopefully we can get help with her physical needs, we just need a foot in the door to open up other services. I so want to be hopeful but every time we get our hopes up MIL says no and we are told unless she asks for help nothing can be done.

    fingers crossed.

    Dog Lady
  5. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Good luck Dog Lady I sincerely hope you are able to get all the help you need.
  6. Anotherdamnlol

    Anotherdamnlol Registered User

    May 2, 2015
    Hope you are getting sorted, it's a long and painful path. I couldn't get help for my mum until she collapsed with a UTI. Once in hospital got the hospital social worker to assess her and got her into a care home. Getting a diagnosis from a psychiatrist has been a nightmare and in the end I paid £280 to a private psychiatrist to visit her. Spoke to her on Wednesday, she visited her on Thursday, diagnosed mixed dementia and mum was on the medication on Friday. Wish I'd done it months ago.

    Not that it will be plain sailing now. My mother is stubborn and difficult and getting her to take meds is difficult and tricky. She hates the care home and keeps talking about going home. Good luck.
  7. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    hi dog lady, welcome to TP you couldn't have come to a better place can I quote

    <my MIL plays the guilt trip and then when we do things for her its never enough.>
    well my mother was like this when 1st diagnosed, now we have her on memory pills which seem to have mellowed her.

    I have cried buckets in the past year and since joining TP have found we are all in the same boat, so please reach out to us we are here.

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