• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Struggling

Alicat1

New member
May 25, 2020
3
My mother is 87 with mixed dementia. She has had it for about 5 years and lives at home with my Dad who is 88. He suffers from depression and does not want to know anything about mam's illness , infact he wouldn't even attend the hospital appt with her when she received her diagnosis. He has little patience with her and this is mainly due to the fact she is deaf even with hearing aids. Last year mam was in a nursing home for 4 months as she developed additional confusion ontop of the dementia due to some type of infection. Dad visited her daily and obviously missed her but seemed more concerned about the cost than anything else. Once back home mam did ok with daily activities. However the lockdown has made her confusion worse. She asks about dad all the time, "who is he? Are we married? Who is the one I had the anniversary with? Etc. But she only asks these questions of my sister and me. My brother lives away and when he does see her he always says mam is not as bad as I make out. Dad has not adhered to the lock down and even came to my house ( I am his carer and go to theirs daily) as he " doesn't know what to do with her as she wants to go out".They are both in receipt of AA and have a cleaner and a Care assistant who helps mam with showers and personal care. Before the lock down I had arranged for her to attend a day club for dementia patients, but she went twice and refused to go back as Dad didn't want her too as it was "too expensive". 🙄I just feel frustrated at the min with them both which makes me feel guilty as obviously mam cannot help having her illness. There is no way they could stay in their home without our support and I feel Dad is turning to us more and more for support and solutions where mam is concerned but he doesn't want to spend anything to help.
I hope when lockdown ends mam's activities will start up and she will improve. However, if not, I do wonder how much longer she can stay at home. Looking after them is a chore at present which is a difficult thing to admit.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,545
N Ireland
Hello and welcome @Alicat1.

Caring for a loved one with dementia is tough and even tougher when help is refused. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a crisis for 'needs' to overcome 'wants'.

My wife usually attends a day centre 3 days a week but that has stopped in the current crisis so I understand how life is hard without such things.

You have come to the right place for understanding and support so I hope someone that has been through a similar experience to you can offer some useful advice.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,853
South coast
Hello @Alicat1
I suspect that your dad comes from the generation of men who have never had to to do anything around the house, nor had to do the caring for the family as this was seen as womens and family work. I expect that previously your mum did all of that and now your dad is expecting the family to take over. The problem is that your dad will expect you to do more and more as your mums needs increase, and all the while you are there plugging the gaps Social Services will not be interested, so eventually you run the risk of burnout.

Unfortunately, most people find that the only way to bring a reluctant partner to acknowledge that they need professional help is to limit the amount of help that they give. And this is very hard because no-one likes to refuse a parent and it makes us feel very guilty. You may have to place a limit on the times that you go round, switch off your phone for set times in the day to give you a break, defer things that he wants you to do - maybe do them tomorrow, or in a few hours, but stop dropping everything in order to help him out. All the while you are doing this, keep suggesting that it would make his life so much easier if he had extra professional help.

If it comes to an emergency (and it may well do) then do not hesitate to call Social Services - or even dial 999.
 

Alicat1

New member
May 25, 2020
3
Thanks for your replies. You both offer a different insight from mine which is helpful as sometimes I question myself whether I am being too harsh on my Dad.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,161
Yorkshire
Hello @Alicat1
A warm welcome from me too

I think your dad may be focusing his worries on money, which he can control, rather than your mum's condition, which no-one can control

Does he know that any costs for your mum's care are to be paid from her finances alone (not his and not taking into account their home which is disregarded) and if her funds are below a certain level then the Local Authority will begin to contribute... and the Attendance Allowance is to help fund her care

 

Alicat1

New member
May 25, 2020
3
Hi Shredrech
Yes, he knows about the split in costs. When man was in the home previously it was £803 per week which was being covered by her personal account. I think you make a good point that he can control money but not mam's illness.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
115,366
Messages
1,687,663
Members
66,304
Latest member
Crista989