struggling

[alwaysworried]

My mum was diagnose with mixed dementia recently and has commenced medication. She is nearly 80 and until relatively recently was a bilingual, active, interested and interesting woman.
She had a series of health issues - which I think were all interlinked, in light of this diagnosis - and she is now lovely, but vague on details, and has lost her filter to some extent.
My dad is 86 and is so frightened - not that he admits this - he hovers around her and doesn't let her do anything, and harries her in his worry and distress.
She gets cost with him as she is very definitely still okay on many levels, and their loving relationship has become rather strained.
Dad is limiting mum's interactions in his worry, and says he has no time to do anything because he has to know what she is doing - mum is in the relatively early stages of dementia but I fear that she will go downhill rapidly if his continues.
I also fear for my dad's health as he is disturbed in the night and he will only accept minimal help at home. We have organised a cleaner for their very clean home, and mum has two one hour visits from a local care organisation a week, which she really enjoys. Dad will not countenance more time out although he would benefit as well. He also refuses to have useful things like a milkman ( which would stop me having to take him 16 pints of milk to freeze!) or online shopping although he is entirely computer literate.
I work full time as a midwife and also do on calls ( and have a 98 year old MIL who falls regularly and has ongoing care needs). I have a daughter with some mental health issues and a husband who has recently retired, and tries to help but is a little bit clueless.

Does any one have any suggestions to stop me feeling like I am going to drown in a sea of worry?

Any any good ideas to help my lovely parents would be appreciated...

 

[nellbelles]

Hi @alwaysworried welcome to TP
Usually it’s the PWD that refuses help it really is a shame that your Dad can’t see how much more difficult he is making it for himself by refusing extra help.
Maybe he is of the age and mindset where one cares for thier own without any outside help.
I personally have no words of wisdom for you at the moment but I wanted you to know it is an Arctic forum with good peer support
Hopefully some other poster will have some good suggestions for you.
Now you have found us please keep posting

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @alwaysworried, welcome from me too.

I can’t help but wonder if both of your parents would benefit from talking to others in their area who are in a similar position. I know I benefited from visiting a local memory cafe where I was able to chat with other carers.

You can check for what’s available in their area by following this link and using their post code https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

 

[Amethyst59]

My first impression is that your dad feels he is coping...because he is able to rely on you. Would it be possible for you to show a bit of ‘tough love’ and help him to set up an internet shopping account? This would deal with the milk problem too. Once a shopping list is established you can repeat the order, with just a few changes. Sorry, you probably know that already!
Your dad might benefit too, from having a bit more knowledge about dementia, so that he can be helped to understand that your mum needs to be as independent as possible. There are information sheets available from the Altzheimer’s Society, either as pdf or you can request hard copies ( and they come quickly!). Or it might suit him to attend a short course giving information. There are carers courses run in some areas.
As far as his sleep disturbance is concerned (and for me, this was the deal breaker in being able to care for my husband alone) there are some strategies that might help. My husband was getting up to use the loo, but got lost. We left the bathroom door open, light on and loo lid up...and this bought us a few more months of better nights. Then we progressed to sleeping in separate rooms, and that helped for a while as I got a bit more sleep, and we found that he did too. I must have been disturbing him as well. There are lots of aids available, such as pressure mats by the bed, that can alert a carer that the loved one is out of bed. Or motion sensor lights that come on to guide the way to the bathroom.
I am glad you have found the forum, you will find that it is a really useful source of information and support.

 

[Tappers61]

Hi always worried.
reading your post I don't think I can add much other than I know exactly how you feel and have just posted a similar message. I have tried to put in boundaries with mum so she knows what I am going to do and when, have to write things down because she doesn't remember conversations so well! I am just trying to take one day at a time and keep reminding myself that I can't make it better and can't do it all!
Remember one big thing though... you are there, you are helping and you are AWESOME for being there!
This forum is great to know that you are not alone, even if it feels a bit like it!
Look after you