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Struggling

postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
warrington
Well ive not been on here for a long time. Yesterday was the day I lost my OH to 24hr residential care. Ive looked after him on his Alzheimer's journey for the past 8 years. I feel lost, guilty, heartbroken I cant believe how painful this is. I feel like Ive given up on him. Even though I know its best for both of us. Endless lack of sleep and constant care just couldnt be sustained. Somebody please tell me it will get better. I keep being told you've done an amazing job etc etc. But I love him and Id go on if I could. This is so hard
 
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Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,894
East Sussex
You are still caring, just in a different way

Many threads talk about the change meaning they become a partner again, instead of a Carer. I hope that in time, you too will feel that :eek:
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,278
Merseyside
You haven't given up on him. You've placed him where he can get good care & support.
You'll still be caring for him but in a slightly different way.
I wish you strength.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Thinking if you postigen, and reaching out to hold your hand.

You haven't stopped caring, you're doing your best for him by reaching out and sharing the care...you could only do so much....and now you've taken the wise decision to share the care...

This isn't a good time to arrive on the Forum, because it is going to close down ,temporarily, this morning. I'll send you a private message with my email, in case you'd like to talk. I know, it's an awful time for you, but you have made a wise decision...sending a hug.
 

Rosnpton

Registered User
Mar 19, 2017
394
Northants
Hi you haven't given up on oh AT ALL.
His needs have escalated and are beyond what is safe and reasonable to expect you to manage.
If it was different and for example and he had been in an accident you wouldn't expect to manage the care at home. You would go to a&e,expect him to be put on a ward in hospital etc and to receive whatever specialist care he required.
He now needs constant care over and above what is humanly possible for most of us to give long term.
You are sharing his care-not giving up on him. You will visit as his partner not his cook,cleaner,nurse,minder.
I do hope he settles in quickly and you throw the guilt monster in someone else's direction
Take care
Ros x
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,507
Near Southampton
I promise you that you will still be caring but it will take a different form. It's not giving up on your husband, it's still giving him care, attention and love.
You will find ways to still be involved in caring for your husband. Only you know of his likes and dislikes and will be able to tell the staff of these. Only you know what really matters to him and can give him reassurance and comfort.

I visited my husband every day in his nursing home but never felt it was enough.
I got to know the staff well and built up a good relationship with them which I think really helped. I felt they were now his new family and as such became an extended part of mine.
You will find your own way of involving yourself in this new kind of caring but you will still be very much needed, just in different ways. Best wishes.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,048
Kent
Hello postigen

You haven't given up on him and it will get better. You are allowing others to share the caring .

It's the best and the worst decision all rolled into one.

The worst because it's separation . The best because it's insurance for the future.

Caring, being primary carer , has taken its toll and was probably leading to carer breakdown. If that had happened, there would have been a panic to place your husband in residential care and you would not have been well enough to help him settle.

Once my husband settled in residential care we had the best four years since his pre dementia days.
 

Finbar77

Registered User
Jun 2, 2015
3
Hello postigen

You haven't given up on him and it will get better. You are allowing others to share the caring .

It's the best and the worst decision all rolled into one.

The worst because it's separation . The best because it's insurance for the future.

Caring, being primary carer , has taken its toll and was probably leading to carer breakdown. If that had happened, there would have been a panic to place your husband in residential care and you would not have been well enough to help him settle.

Once my husband settled in residential care we had the best four years since his pre dementia days.
 

Finbar77

Registered User
Jun 2, 2015
3
You have been very brave today, it takes a lot of courage to make that decision, and tomorrow you will be braver still. My OH went in to permanent care last week; the first time I visited him I just wanted to take him home with me and left in floods of tears. However, yesterday's visit was easier- he didn't recognize me at first, but when he heard my voice he beamed and looked happy. The psychologist said that he was less aggressive in the compact space and liked having a few people around in a quiet environment.
So yes, tomorrow will be hard for you, but maybe from his perspective less challenging and more manageable, anyway those are the positive thoughts I am hanging on to to get me through the lonely nights!
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Did you visit today, postigen? I hope it went as well as could be expected. I think it takes a little while before you and he settle into a different way of doing things, so don't be too quick to judge. It will seem strange at first, but it's early days....

Sending you good vibes and a hand to hold....perhaps you'll get a few good nights sleep, if you've had disturbed nights.... Then you'll feel a bit stronger, and more able to support him. Do they make you a cup of tea?Some care homes do, and some show you where things are and you can make you own... You'll feel at home soon...
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
We all deal with this in our own way and there is no right or wrong . My husband had to go into a home 18 months ago. I didn't visit for the first week . I was exhausted,and bereft,I didn't know how I should feel or what I should do. He really needed to go ,for my safety and his . I was in a twilight word ,or so it felt . Now ...... I have good friends and good life,just got back from my 4th holiday this year, and going away again in 5 weeks with the same couple who have taken me under their wing.But ... I am still lonely, miss him so much, on my way back each time from being away I call to see him ,then I know I am home. He is now the man I still love but he is not my husband . I have a life to live and am trying to get on . Not even the children know how bereft I still am as I need to get on now without him. You will eventually work out how you can live and move forward. Thinking of you.
 

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