My mum died yesterday after a long journey with dementia. I can not stop re-living over and over again how awful the last 4/5 months of her life were and how terrible her death was. I wouldn't consider it a peaceful death. My mum spent the last 5months bedridden and hardly eating, she lost stones. She was distressed, agitated and confused for much of this time. In the last few days she stopped drinking, she had water by teaspoon but retched every time, she would cry out and be agitated and despite visits from District Nurses this did not stop. 2 days before her death her breathing became irregular she would stop then start again and be very agitated shouting and distressed. when she started breathing again (did she know what was happening, was she fighting it?) She had several visits from the District Nurses and eventually they were able to settle her at about 7pm, she died at 3.10 am the following morning. Whilst she was settled for a few hours at the end I don't count this as a peaceful death - it feels like something out of a horror movie. My mum starved to death and was distressed and agitated despite medication and been under the District Nurses and hospice at home. I see her face over and over again and can't believe there was nothing I could do for her. I can hardly bear the pain this causes.
Struggling with mum's death
- Thread starter Jules72
- Start date
Hello @Jules72
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Please accept my commiserations on your loss.
When someone dies from dementia it can be harrowing and traumatic if you are not told what to expect. It is not like what you see on TV when someone dies.
Firstly, I would like to explain that your mum did not starve to death, When someone dies from dementia their body shuts down slowly over day and weeks. They eat and drink less and less and finally stop eating and drinking altogether as their body can no longer process it. This is why the water made her retch. We naturally feel that if only we could get them eating and drinking again, then they will survive, but it doesnt work like that. They do not die because they stop eating and drinking - they stop eating and drinking because they are already dying.
The other things you mentioned - the weight loss, the agitation and the stop-start breathing (called Chayne Stokes breathing) are all indicators of approaching death - especially the Chayne Stokes breathing. In addition my mums limbs went cold and there was mottling of the skin. The corneas of her eyes went opaque too. All of this is normal.
Im sorry that the district nurses took so long to get her agitation under control, but I am glad that when she finally passed, she was peaceful.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Please accept my commiserations on your loss.
When someone dies from dementia it can be harrowing and traumatic if you are not told what to expect. It is not like what you see on TV when someone dies.
Firstly, I would like to explain that your mum did not starve to death, When someone dies from dementia their body shuts down slowly over day and weeks. They eat and drink less and less and finally stop eating and drinking altogether as their body can no longer process it. This is why the water made her retch. We naturally feel that if only we could get them eating and drinking again, then they will survive, but it doesnt work like that. They do not die because they stop eating and drinking - they stop eating and drinking because they are already dying.
The other things you mentioned - the weight loss, the agitation and the stop-start breathing (called Chayne Stokes breathing) are all indicators of approaching death - especially the Chayne Stokes breathing. In addition my mums limbs went cold and there was mottling of the skin. The corneas of her eyes went opaque too. All of this is normal.
Im sorry that the district nurses took so long to get her agitation under control, but I am glad that when she finally passed, she was peaceful.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Oh my lovely , sending you a big hug .
Please believe me that at End of Life the body no longer needs / wants food & fluids. It’s natures way of preparing & cleansing the body before it shuts down. I know how distressing this can be for you & other families ; it appears that our PWD are starving, but this is the body’s process of shutting down.
Death from a terminal disease is a very different experience, & dementia adds often a distressing aspect with calling out & moaning depending on the type of dementia our PWD has.
Sadly this is very distressing to witness , & family can only hope that morphine & driver are put in place by palliative care. Even then the vocalisation might not ease.
Please know you did everything you could , you have loved unconditionally & sadly the saying
“ grief is love persevering “ is true.
Please don’t torture yourself , your Mum is at peace now. Dementia is a cruel disease & you now need time to mourn. Remember the person before the disease … & please take care of yourself now
xxx
I'm sorry to hear of your loss @Jules72. The last few months sound very tough, but I hope in time happier memories of your mother will re-surface and you can remember her as she was pre-dementia.
@Dimpsy , I'm sorry to hear about your mother too. I hope you and the family are doing as well as you can.
{{{@Jules72}}}, {{{DImpsy}}}
@Dimpsy , I'm sorry to hear about your mother too. I hope you and the family are doing as well as you can.
{{{@Jules72}}}, {{{DImpsy}}}
So sorry to read about your mother's death and the ordeal that it was for her and for you. Such a sorrow, and such experiences, cannot pass quickly. Thinking of you and hoping that you'll find a way to come to terms with it in time. Wishing you strength and solace for this difficult period. xxx