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Struggling with decision

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
Hi all

The dementia nurses are visiting dad at home today and have emailed that there may be a care home placement about 40 miles away. If the place is suitable (the general area is good), I realise that it is the best for everyone that he goes in, but having just seen him asleep peacefully in the chair in his own home, this is a gut wrenching decision to make.

For many reasons, including his own safety and well-being, logic is telling me he needs to be in a care home but my heart is telling me otherwise. I'm really struggling with this decision.

Is this just me or does everyone go through this?

Dave
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,942
South coast
Everyone goes through this, Dave
Moving into a care home is a huge, massive, ginormous mile-stone that signals our PWDs decline in a way that we (and everyone else) cannot ignore. Coupled with this is the fact that very few people willingly move into a care home, so the whole procedure is underpinned with (necessary) subterfuge, which makes us feel guilty.

These are not, IMO, good reasons to put it off, though. If your mind knows that its time and there is a vacancy, then go for it - your heart will catch up later.
xxx
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
420
Definitely not just you. I think this is one of the hardest decisions of all to make. We know deep down that it's the right decision but, at the same time, it also feels wrong.

@canary sums it up very well. I particularly like the phrase "your heart will catch up later"
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,954
Dorset
If there is a place in what seems to be a good Care Home then grab it quickly!
Every carer has the same concerns. When things are peaceful you doubt your decisions until everything flares up again. Today you have to rely on solid logic, just remember the worst times and the major worries you have for your Dad’s safety.
Good luck!
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
809
Hi @DaveCr1968, rest assured it isn't just you - many of us have been in your position and it simply tears you apart. What I can say when I look back with the benefit of hindsight I wish I hadn't put it off for so long, as after the initial settling in period Mum was much happier and her life was much richer too, as the home had many events and activities that she could get involved with (even though she had limited mobility). So it will be a painful experience for you to go through, but from what you have said you know that it is the right decision - and you will know better than anyone. Take care - stay strong and keep posting.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
801
High Peak
I just wanted to add that though your dad may have been sleeping peacefully when you felt the Guilt Monster biting you, I bet he's not like that all the time.

Maybe he gets lonely and confused, perhaps in the middle of the night. Perhaps he needs someone there all the time to reassure him. He would have all these things - and be safe - in a care home
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
I bet he's not like that all the time.
Yeah, it wasn't long..... He did not respond well to the dementia nurse and any doubts she had quickly disappeared.

Thanks all for the replies, excellent support and really valid points. It is very easy to focus on the good moments but I've realised the decision should be based on full picture, including the bad moments, which seem to be increasing in frequency.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,307
My mother in law could give an oscar winning performance of a sweet old lady when it suited her. It never lasted long though. As others have said, you know deep down it's the right decision.
 

Lin47

Registered User
Apr 14, 2020
17
My mother has only been in a care home for a week and I still feel guilty about it although it was a joint decision with her care manager. I know that it was the right thing to do but I still feel guilty for having done it.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
32
It’s so hard to know what is right and your always striving a balance between your loved ones needs and wants. I’ve found it so hard we have had home case for over a year and a half. In hindsight I wish I had got Mum settled earlier. She goes in tomorrow. I wish things were different and sometimes like you I feel she is contented here but the time has come. Wish you the best of luck ❤
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
Hi all

The issue is somewhat out of my control. I was drafted into looking after dad while mum was in hospital. It became very clear how bad his dementia has got over the last 6 months. However, she passed away suddenly and I can't stay here forever as dad's carer, plus I'll be the first to admit that I'm struggling to handle the funeral at the same time as my dad, and I am not a carer. I was struggling with him before mum passed away. His dementia has been classed as severe.

None of this makes the decision any easier.

I have another meeting with SS tomorrow but I'm nervous that they will play the game with me and expect me to act as a full time carer for ages and ages. I think I need to be firm with them.

Regards

Dave
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,942
South coast
I think I need to be firm with them.
Yes, this is exactly what you have to do. Dont try and make excuses, they never sound convincing - just say you cant do it.

They may surprise you though and not try and get you to continue. By the time mum moved into her care home it was obvious that there was no way she could remain at home, even if I was there 24/7 (which I couldnt be)
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
Bit of an update.

Had the meeting with SS today and they were effectively saying it was my responsibility to stay. They did not seem interested in my date for leaving and even tried to rope my cousin into being a carer.

I therefore had to state the date I will be leaving and Dad's GP has done the same and according to him, it is common practice to get SS to take action, whereby they will treat it as an emergency. It seems to have prompted some action but only time will tell.

Dealing with this as well as mum's passing and a rather complicated will is taking its toll on me and can't sleep properly. If SS don't get at least respite care sorted soon, I'll be seeing my own doctor.

It is my intention to email SS next week saying dad will be on his own from this date and then stick to it. That is what has been recommended by several people and it is shocking that one has to behave this way to get help.

Regards

Dave
 

blueorchid

Registered User
Feb 18, 2016
42
Gosh Dave that sounds really tough. I feel for you. I'm really sorry about your Mum too. I recently lost my Dad and but Mum went straight into a home. I appreciate how much time and effort the funeral etc takes out of you. Caring for your Dad at the same time must be putting you under so much added strain.
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
Thanks.

It does not help that dad has been quite bad today. Constantly wanting to go home, even though he is sat in his own living room. He was born in this house and renovated it massively over 20 years ago. He simply doesn't recognise it.

Have decided to leave when I say. SS know he is vulnerable and have to act; they have a duty of care. If I don't, they will stretch this out forever. He is getting worse and am not sure how longer I can manage this.

Dave
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
32
Hi Dave, not much to add but understand how draining it all can be I hope things get easier for your Dad and for you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,942
South coast
Im sorry, I was obviously being over optimistic. The emotional blackmail that is sometimes placed on carers is intolerable.

Yes you will have to stick to that date, although its not going to be easy.
 

pinkslippers2106

Registered User
Jul 14, 2020
15
At my GP practice, I have a lovely nurse (Senior Nurse Practitioner) who is very understanding and she told me recently that if I needed help then I just had to ask as she can make 'things happen' to support both Me and Mum, with extra care, respite or whatever we needed. Maybe worth asking at your Doctors.
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
45
Im sorry, I was obviously being over optimistic. The emotional blackmail that is sometimes placed on carers is intolerable.

Yes you will have to stick to that date, although its not going to be easy.
I have been advised to put it in writing and then don't interact with them; they will try to negotiate. The date is next Friday so if there is no progress tomorrow, the email gets sent first thing on Monday.