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Struggling with caring for my mum

Calliope74

Registered User
Jan 27, 2021
27
0
My mums dementia has started to get worse, last night she kept saying she wanted to home. I managed to get her to bed eventuall. I live with her and my dad. My dad has zero understanding of her condition. I had a breakdown just before Christmas and am stru mysel. we are getting no help for her atm. I’m seeing a mental health team for myself only second contact with them.I just don’t know what to do. I have contacted the GP to ask for advice. at the moment I’m not coping very well.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,486
0
Hi @Calliope74 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll get lots of help and support in this very friendly community.
Have you had a social services assessment? It may be worth contacting them saying your mother is a vulnerable adult to whom they have a duty care.
You might also find it useful to contact the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk.
I'm sure others who have been in a similar situation will be along shortly with their advice, but remember that you are just as important as your mum and dad, and you shouldn't be putting your own health on the line to care for them.
Edited to add: Wanting to go home is very common. One good idea is not to say something like you are home, but to agree but to say it can't happen now, bad weather, no transport whatever sounds credible. This thread might give you some ideas (28) Recommended thread - Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired | Dementia Talking Point (alzheimers.org.uk). Don't beat yourself up if you find it hard, there were times when it was impossible to use with my mother. When I managed it, it really did make things a lot easier.
 

Calliope74

Registered User
Jan 27, 2021
27
0
i though she was having a lie in this morning, when she came down she was angry, she had been aware a while and thought someone was here, she was annoyed no one had come up to check on her. She takes most of this out on my dad. They have had an up n down relationship over the years. I’m finding it hard to draw conversation, as I have anxiety and depression it’s harder still.
 

gm1632

Registered User
Jan 7, 2021
14
0
Hi Calliope. This is such a hard thing to deal with, especially where dementia is compounded by difficult relationships with other family members. The drawing conversation thing is really hard. All I can suggest is try different topics, and when you find ones that work, just keep using them.
I also wholeheartedly agree that the Compassionate Communication thing is very useful, but sometimes it just doesn't work.
And don't forget to look after yourself. Definitely reach out to carer support services and your GP. My mum who I help care for has dementia (alzheimer's) and I myself have anxiety. It used to be very work-centered but now my relationship/the situation with my mum is the thing I really struggle with. My mum is also pretty horrible to my dad, and like your parents, they had an up and down relationship over the years, which my mum now draws on constantly. So I know a bit what it feels like to have to deal with that.
 

Calliope74

Registered User
Jan 27, 2021
27
0
Thank you gm1632, I don’t know if good is the right word or rather comforting to know someone else understands this same situation, I try to use things on tv they both like, that works sometimes.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
607
0
My mums dementia has started to get worse, last night she kept saying she wanted to home. I managed to get her to bed eventuall. I live with her and my dad. My dad has zero understanding of her condition. I had a breakdown just before Christmas and am stru mysel. we are getting no help for her atm. I’m seeing a mental health team for myself only second contact with them.I just don’t know what to do. I have contacted the GP to ask for advice. at the moment I’m not coping very well.
The " breakdown " is the catalyst for both proper assessment and dialogue with the GP. Dementia does not respect vulnerability in a Carer and you do not want 'emergency respite' . It takes every ounce of energy to gauge behaviour and the response which that behaviour is best suited. Look to assessment as a priority.
 

Helen10

Registered User
Jan 22, 2021
39
0
@Calliope74 hello-I am also new to the forum. I don’t have the wealth of experience of the members on here but I can tell you that since I’ve joined I have been flooded with helpful tips, useful links, support and hugs which were all gratefully received and have got me through the last few days where things were particularly tough with my mum.

my mum is staying with me at the moment and constantly wants to go home. However even when she was at her home of 43 years, she still wanted to go home. I don’t think she’s sure where she wants to be. I find in terms of communicating with my mum (and she has the kind of dementia which means she is often angry and aggressive) I’m learning to go with her flow. Last weekend she thought my house was a school with her a teacher and me the headmistress. I was tidying up and she kept saying you’re the head you shouldn’t be doing that-let help. I just thought ok let’s see where this goes. I gave her a duster, put some music on and we sang and cleaned our way around the house.

no idea if that’s any help or not but times are very hard for everyone at the moment and I’m trying to take chinks of light when I can.
Hope you find support and answers on the forum

🙏
 

Calliope74

Registered User
Jan 27, 2021
27
0
Thank you, it’s particularly hard as I have severe anxiety and depression (had a recent breakdown) my dad isn’t any help as he doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to talk about it)
 

DaveCr1968

Registered User
Jul 5, 2020
65
0
constantly wants to go home. However even when she was at her home of 43 years, she still wanted to go home.
This was the same with my dad, particularly in the evenings. I tried distraction tactics, TV, tea and biscuits but nothing worked. The only things that did work was saying that it was too late to go home now and we would go home in the morning. The other thing was to take my dad out of the house and around the front where he did recognise the place and the surroundings, and this settled him down.

Incidentally, my dad was in the house he was born in but it was reconfigured 25 years ago and he simply didn't recognise it. It was complicated because "home" was sometimes another place he lived in for 40 years.