Struggling to let people visit

Flossie2

Registered User
Aug 18, 2016
9
0
I hope someone can help. I look after mum 24/7 and we muddle through. One of my main problems is when my cousin comes to visit. Before I came to.live with mum she was a godsend taking care of her but now as soon as she arrives mum wants her to leave saying things like "can't u stay in your own house" etc. What are u doing here etc. My cousin keeps everything calm but mum just stresses herself ridiculously. I don't want my cousin not to come but can't figure a way round this. Anyone got any ideas please?
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Hi Flossie.
Does this happen with other visitors? Or just your cousin?
You shouldn't isolate yourselves but if your cousin is having this effect then it might be for the best for visits to cease, maybe just for a while.
Is your cousin ever a topic of conversation with your Mum? Maybe show her some photos of her? See how that goes.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi Flossie

Is your cousin upset by your mum's rejection of her? We had problems with my dad behaving badly around certain people for a while. He did have his medication changed because he was becoming quite verbally aggressive and a bit too touchy-feely for their comfort! We kept the "trigger" people away for a while which was hard as it left me to do most of the caring.

For a while they helped with things that he needed doing but didn't involve actually visiting dad (eg. doing my cleaning so I could do his) .

We have just started to reintroduce them to him which he (grudgingly) accepts. He asks why I can't do whatever but normally accepts the answer that I'm doing something else important, working, shopping, etc.

Could you talk to your cousin and come up with a plan of action?

Interestingly my dad could not remember behaving aggressively toward anyone and he did calm down noticeably when his meds were changed. He'd been taking Donepezil for 9 months before someone on TP suggested it might be due to medication and not just dementia.

Dad is at a stage where most people would think he was fine. Just a little doddering and eccentric
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
It sounds as if your Mum has linked your cousin with her decline and increased needs. She probably resented 'being bossed around when there was nothing wrong with her' and sees your cousin as the main problem.

Can you meet your cousin on neutral ground for a coffee or a social outing? That way your Mum might over write the bad association with an enjoyable event.

If your Mum can't leave the house perhaps your cousin can bring a few treats with her.
 

Flossie2

Registered User
Aug 18, 2016
9
0
It sounds as if your Mum has linked your cousin with her decline and increased needs. She probably resented 'being bossed around when there was nothing wrong with her' and sees your cousin as the main problem.

Can you meet your cousin on neutral ground for a coffee or a social outing? That way your Mum might over write the bad association with an enjoyable event.

If your Mum can't leave the house perhaps your cousin can bring a few treats with her.
 

Flossie2

Registered User
Aug 18, 2016
9
0
I had the exact same problem with my mum. Before I moved in with my mum to look after her, my cousin and my mums best friend helped her out but once I moved in she didn't want to know them. She was verbally aggressive with them telling them to get out and they weren't wanted etc. Her best friend couldn't handle it and visited very rarely. My cousin kept coming and eventually my mum got to look forward to her visiting but this was over a 2 year period so unfortunately there is no quick fix. The best thing is to ignore her jibes and talk away to your cousin when they arrive and ignore your mum until she calms down. It's very hard to do as you can't reason with them. It's hard as it makes everyone uncomfortable.and it's such a shame as they could be enjoying fun times. Good luck x