STRUGGLING TO KNOW WHAT TO DO - CARE HOME OR KEEP MUM AT HOME

[Paul6966]

Hi, I am new to the forum as not sure where to get advise. My Mum was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago, due to her wandering at night I moved in and work from home. Now it is getting hard to work as she is constantly asking to go home and for her Mum who died 20 years ago. I have asked others for help but My Sister just says she has too much work and My Mum's sister just makes excuses so have given up asking either of them. I do have carers come in a couple of hours week days so I can work which is a help.

My Mum is now at the stage where if she does not have someone sitting near her during the day she constantly asks where are you? I have tried to give her things to do but she is simply not interested and will just walk around if no one is with her - it is very draining!

I feel awful for complaining but I am struggling to be around her 24/7 with no break and rest of family leaving me to get on with it and am starting to resent the fact they have 'a life'. I do not want to put my Mum in a care home as the local ones are really not very nice but do not know what to do! Social Services have not been much help just saying she needs to go in a home if I cannot cope. I feel like I am in a lose/lose situation - if I carry on like I am I will have a breakdown but if I put Mum in a home I will forever feel guilty.

Has anyone else had a similar situation?

 

[Annie17]

Hi, your mother's behaviour sounds very much like my mother. I recently lost my father who was my mother's main carer so I have had to make the difficult decision to put my mother into a care home. It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done and she has still not settled there yet but I'm assured she will. It's worth looking at as many as possible and as you just get a good feeling about some and not about other.
Care homes are there to care for people who need 24/7 care. You cannot provide this and have any quality of life for yourself.
It's a hard decision to make but I believe it is in the best interests for all concerned as your mother will get cared for 24/7 in a safe environment. Daycare is also an option and would allow you some respite.

 

[Starting on a journey]

Yes my mother in law was like this( nearly broke my sister in law and she was retired!!
I am afraid it won’t get any better and unless you are super human it’s care home time. You can still be involved in her care when she is in a home; just in a bearable amount.

Once safely in a home with people around her my mother in law stopped being anxious and is much more relaxed. Honestly it was the best thing to do!!

 

[canary]

I agree, it is time for a care home. This is too much for even one person with nothing else to do - she needs a whole team of people now.

When you look at care homes try to look beyond the decor. The home mum went to was an EMI home, was scruffy and old -fashioned and at the lower end of the price range, but the care was wonderful. Look to see how the carers interact with the residents, see if they are ever left on their own and check out what activities are organised. It is worth going at different times too - mornings are usually bustly with outings and activities, afternoons quiet with residents napping in their room, snoozing in a chair or watching TV, then in the evenings you can see how they cope with difficult behavior as many of the residents will be sundowning.

 

[Jessbow]

Each and every one of us has a huge hairy monster on our shoulder. It's the Guilt Monster. It pokes each and every one of us, when it comes to making decisions.

Chuck it off and never feel bad about making such a decision.

My monster was a massive hairy beast, but putting mum into care was absolutely the very best thing for both her and I.
Please consider that its probably time and dont let the guilt monster get the better of you

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi, I am new to the forum as not sure where to get advise. My Mum was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago, due to her wandering at night I moved in and work from home. Now it is getting hard to work as she is constantly asking to go home and for her Mum who died 20 years ago. I have asked others for help but My Sister just says she has too much work and My Mum's sister just makes excuses so have given up asking either of them. I do have carers come in a couple of hours week days so I can work which is a help.

My Mum is now at the stage where if she does not have someone sitting near her during the day she constantly asks where are you? I have tried to give her things to do but she is simply not interested and will just walk around if no one is with her - it is very draining!

I feel awful for complaining but I am struggling to be around her 24/7 with no break and rest of family leaving me to get on with it and am starting to resent the fact they have 'a life'. I do not want to put my Mum in a care home as the local ones are really not very nice but do not know what to do! Social Services have not been much help just saying she needs to go in a home if I cannot cope. I feel like I am in a lose/lose situation - if I carry on like I am I will have a breakdown but if I put Mum in a home I will forever feel guilty.

Has anyone else had a similar situation?

Yes, been there and done that, in fact did it to the very end. It wiped me out and I still haven't recovered. You will get no thankyou's from the rest of the family, they will leave it all to you. You are not awful for complaining and yes you are in a lose/lose situation and a breakdown is likely to happen and it will be only you that suffers.

Do not feel guilty if your mum needs to go into a home. It is not your fault but you can't carry on like this, it is too much for one person. Your mum needs a team who share the work. One person cannot do it all, You have a right to some kind of life too.

 

[quickstepqueen]

I am so sorry that you feel so alone with this. You are being amazing in all the care you're giving but it's draining you. I read somewhere that we need to replace the word "guilt" with "sadness." And I think they're right. It's so sad seeing the person you love in such a difficult situation, and it's sad that our bodies physically can't provide care 24/7. My Aunt goes into care on Monday and despite me knowing she'll be safer, I can't help feeling guilty/sad that maybe I've not tried hard enough, or given enough up to keep to her wishes of staying at home. It's just so awful. Do you have an organisation called Carers First in your area? They offer us , the carers, support and advice. I also think alot of gp surgeries also have a "care coordinator" who are great in situations like this. They'll listen to you, support you and signpost you. As a carer you have the right to ask social services for a carers needs assessment. There is day care as an option, and maybe charities like Age UK who offer a sitting service. Perhaps this could be arranged until you can be seen by social services?
If I was in your situation, and you were my friend, what advice would you give me? I bet you'd be kinder to me than you are to yourself. Call social services for another assessment, and yes, a care home may well be the answer, but if she is financially well off, then work with social services on other options, if necessary. Good luck and gentle hugs to you. It's hard but you've been doing great x