Struggling to cope.

[O/T H]

Hi, this is my first post but I feel really desperate tonight and feel really alone.
My Mom was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last December and has deteriorated quite quickly, we are so close and she’s more like a best friend to me and I’m really struggling as I feel her drifting further away from me. My Dad has a long list of health problems so I do my best to be there every day for usually about 5 hours after work to give him a break and cook the tea.
We are a small family, effectively just Mom, Dad, my brother and me and it is getting very difficult. I work as a Wellbeing Co-Ordinator in a mental health facility which I love but it can be very draining and I just feel that I’m so tired and emotional that I’m not functioning propery.This worries me as I have struggled with depression in the past. I feel annoyed with myself for the self pity and that in my previous job I cared for people with dementia and should be able to cope and know what to do for the best to take the pressure off.
Most of the time Mom doesn’t recognize my Dad and can be really nasty to him, this hurts him and hurts me, they’ve been married 56 years and have rarely been apart.
I know we need help but I’m so tired that I can’t think straight by the end of the day, if anyone could offer me words of support I would be so grateful.
With thanks.

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to Talking Point, @O/T H. I'm sorry your mum's condition has brought you here and brought you and your dad to a point of desperation and exhaustion.
Have you considered respite care, just getting your mum care in a Home for a week in order to allow you and your dad some sleep and space to think clearly. Some home care after that may give you some more time to yourself by getting someone else in to share the burden. Sorry if you have tried those and it didn't work.
You will get plenty of good advice and kind words on here, so keep in touch.

 

[Izzy]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point. I’m so sorry to read of your situation.

My feeling is that it would be an idea to get an appointment with your GP to talk about how you feel and how things are.

Do you have any outside help? If not then I think it would be wise to have a needs assessment done for your mum. They may not want to accept help but it would take the heat if your dad got a bit - and you. Please phone your local Social Services Department and ask for the assessment if she hasn’t had one. You should also have a carer’s assessment.

Do please try to talk to your GP. There’s also the Society's helpline. You could talk things through with them. The details are here -

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-s...55.1769454811.1519233588-549088353.1488398070


Do keep posting. You’ll find lots of help and support here.

 

[jaymor]

Hi and welcome from me too.

TP is the place where you will get the advice you seek, the information you need and the support we as Carers really need. There are times when you will want to scream and shout and here is the place to do it. No one will judge, we have all been there and we are all ready to listen and help in any way we can.

 

[Jale]

Hello, and a welcome from me too.

Do you have carers going in? When we first mentioned carers to Mum she was adamant that she didn't want strangers in her house, but as it became obvious that we couldn't cope on our own we had to get help. Instead of carers we always called them the ladies that come in to help her, so whatever works.

If you can get an assessment and an offer of talking to an Admiral Nurse, then take it - the lady I had was brilliant and helped me as a carer and was a goldmine of information. Not all areas have them but I think there is a national telephone number that you can talk to someone, hopefully someone with more experience will be along to help.

Talk to your GP about how you are feeling, I certainly wouldn't call it self pity, caring for a person with dementia is tiring - both mentally and physically - frustrating, disheartening and can drag you down so quickly. Not only are you caring for your Mum but your Dad as well and even though you have cared for other people with dementia it is not the same when it is happening to people that you love and care about.

I think you need outside help (sorry if I'm assuming that you haven't got carers)

Take care, and sending some hugs your way

 

[canary]

Looking after someone with dementia in a professional capacity is entirely different from looking after a relative with dementia - there are all the emotional ties, you also see them for much, much longer and you also see them at their worst when they are not putting on a show for the professional and/or they are sundowning. Find out what is available out there and grab every offer of help with both hands.

Until you have had the experience of looking after someone you know and love with dementia in a domestic situation you have no idea what it is actually like, so please dont think that you "aught" to be able to cope because of your job. There are many of us on TP who have discovered this - that even though we have been trained and have experience, when it comes to looking after someone we love we know almost nothing. The experiences described on here come from people who are living/have lived through them and the advice is better than anywhere else, so dont feel ashamed to ask anything.