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Struggling to cope with my mums dementia diagnosis.

Izzy25

New member
Sep 17, 2020
5
Hello, my mum got diagnosed with mixed vascular dementia almost 4 yrs at only 62. She is deteriorating quite quick, she still lives in her family home with carers coming n going. My brother has guardianship and is not communicating with me regarding mums health or anything. I phone her everyday and visit every weekend and sometimes pop in and out when I can. I am really struggling seeing her like this, I am on antidepressants, she doesn't do anything, she goes to bed in the afternoon, she doesn't know me most of the time, she doesn't know she has a grand daughter anymore who is my oldest, but she remembers my 2 boys. She has hit me a few times, nipped me and elbowed me. She soils herself alot and its a fight to get her to wash or bathe. She had an accident earlier to which the carer messaged me to go and deal with it as she hadn't the time to clean it all up, but I had to phone my brother as I myself have osteoarthritis in both knees and in crutches and I don't drive and I can't deal with poop, and he wasn't very nice to me on the phone. I only phoned for advice as I didn't know what to do, I assumed that was one of the carers duties. Just looking for some advice on how to cope and if there is anything I can do to get informed on whats happening with my mum or does my brother have all the rights as he is mums guardian!?!?
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
321
If your brother has Power of Attorney and you don't then he is responsible for managing her financial affairs and theoretically you need his permission to buy her a toothbrush unless it is a gift. That doesn't stop you doing domestic or personal care. I am not sure that you can insist on being kept informed. Is there a reason why you can't discuss this with your brother?
 

Izzy25

New member
Sep 17, 2020
5
My brother is very short tempered and gets very crabbit, and since he met his now wife he has got worse, he doesn't keep in contact, he never gets back to ur messages, he is not a man u can talk to. His mood radiates off him and he is not a nice person to be around. My dad died 14 yrs ago and his last words to my brother was to look after his mum and sister (me) and up until the end of last year I have looked after my mum. I took a step back as I was doing everything, taking mum to appointments, constantly getting calls from carers about anything and everything, had to come back from a 2 night away for my birthday and my brother wasn't helping and my mental health was taking a battering, once my brother got guardianship I decided to contact mums social worker and she advised me to step back and she told mums carers to take me off the system and make my brother first contact. I seem to just build myself up, start feeling a bit better and boom something happens even something small and I am a mess again. How do I get out this rut am in, am drowning and can't get my head above water, hope someone understands what I mean
Thanx
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
321
Whilst this forum is brilliant for many things it sounds as if there are complicated personality issues here so people who don't know you personally are less able to give advice. Is there a family member that you trust and that has the trust of your brother who might act as an advisor and mediator?
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,335
The Social workers advice was good. You must look after yourself.
This will sound bad, if you allow a crisis to happen, and your brother has to deal with it, then it will concentrate minds as to the real best interest's of your mother.
This may well be aCare Home, which is not the end of the world, many flourish in Care, which meets their needs far better than being at "home".

Bod
 

Izzy25

New member
Sep 17, 2020
5
Whilst this forum is brilliant for many things it sounds as if there are complicated personality issues here so people who don't know you personally are less able to give advice. Is there a family member that you trust and that has the trust of your brother who might act as an advisor and mediator?
No there's no one, my aunts don't bother with my brother because of the way he is.
I didn't want to air this but I didn't know what else to do. It was a friend that advised joining a forum to get it all off my chest to help get me back to my cheery self. I was looking for advice on coping and also what rights I have if any with my brother being guardian.
Thanx anyway
 

Izzy25

New member
Sep 17, 2020
5
The Social workers advice was good. You must look after yourself.
This will sound bad, if you allow a crisis to happen, and your brother has to deal with it, then it will concentrate minds as to the real best interest's of your mother.
This may well be aCare Home, which is not the end of the world, many flourish in Care, which meets their needs far better than being at "home".

Bod
Thats what my friend said too, though my brother only got guardianship of my mum to keep her out a home. Where as I don't do well with incontinence or blood etc as I have a really weak stomach and as much as I don't want her in a home but if I can't deal with it, and my brother can't do it then its whats best for her in the long run.

Is there anything I can do about it or does it all land back on my brother because he's mums guardian!?!?!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
I don't know where you stand legally if your brother is guardian of your mum, it sounds a stressful situation for you x I've been really lucky in me and my sister agreeing on things while looking after my mum but it sounds like you aren't as lucky with your brother.
If SW asked care company to change contact details from you to your brother then carers should really have messaged your brother rather than you if he's main contact, maybe if it happens again then you could message back and ask them to contact your brother and at least you won't have to deal with him getting cross at you on the phone. I'd have thought if accident happened while carer was there they'd have cleared it up but if it happened as they were about to leave and needed to get to next call then that's probably why carer said didn't have time to deal with it. It's a sign that carer visits aren't enough if things are happening they don't have time to deal with. If things like that keep happening and you think she has deteriorated quite a bit it could be time for your mums needs to be reassessed. You could try talking about it with your brother or if think that won't work you could contact SW direct and explain your worries and ask for another needs assessment for your mum.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,652
South coast
Im unsure where you and your mum are @Izzy25 , because in England you dont get guardianship, you have either POA or deputyship.
Are you in Scotland? Or somewhere else?

The reason I am asking is because in England if you have deputyship then this only covers finances, you dont usually get appointed deputy for health and welfare, and Im wondering whether it is the same for guardianship where you are.
 

Izzy25

New member
Sep 17, 2020
5
Im unsure where you and your mum are @Izzy25 , because in England you dont get guardianship, you have either POA or deputyship.
Are you in Scotland? Or somewhere else?

The reason I am asking is because in England if you have deputyship then this only covers finances, you dont usually get appointed deputy for health and welfare, and Im wondering whether it is the same for guardianship where you are.
I am from Scotland and its definitely guardianship welfare and health my brother has.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,042
69
Dundee
Hi from another Izzy in Scotland.

I'm glad you've found this forum. I know you will get a lot of help and support here.

Your situation sounds quite complicated and I wondered if you would find it helpful to talk things through with someone on the Alzheimer Scotland Helpline. The details are here -


Please keep posting here too.