Struggling to cope with mum

[Chris23]

I have been a full time carer for my mum since March last year when I was made redundant. She has mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia.
it is so hard dealing with the changes in behaviou, moods etc.
Before Christmas my mum started drinking far too much vodka at night which would put her in a snappy mood the next day. after speaking to our GP we found that limiting the amount that was in the house I managed to keep it under control. He advised me that for the sake of her health she should have no more than 1litre per month. Since this lockdown she has started drinking more again and getting verbally aggressive when I refuse to get it for her.
She tries to play the guilt card and telling me it is like living in a prison.
i have not had a nights sleep in weeks for worrying about it all and just feel I don’t know where to turn any more.
Before all this she barely drank, only an odd one at weekend with her neighbour and maybe if we went out.
This morning she said that she would not care but the bottle of vodka we were discussing had been in since Christmas when I know I bought it three weeks ago.
it feels like I am dealing with a spoilt child only of course it’s more serious.

 

[canary]

Hello @Chris23 and welcome to DTP

This is by no means unknown with dementia. The trouble is that they are trying to self medicate for the anxiety, but because they have memory problems they dont remember how much they have drunk and their subconscious brain fills in the gaps. So when your mum says that she had the vodka from before Christmas she really and truly believes it and has no idea how much she is actually drinking. So in her mind, you see, you are just being horrible, lying to her and are the worst daughter on earth!

One way of dealing with this is to water the vodka down so that she isnt drinking so much. If you could take the empty bottle away you could then half fill it with vodka and fill it up with water.

Another way is to agree to get the vodka, but do nothing. Then when she asks you about it either act innocent and say yes, of course you will get some, or else you could come up with a "reason" why you haven't got it - your car broke down/the supermarket had run out and the selves were completely bare/oh whoops, your memory must be going because you completely forgot!

Lots of people dont like using this technique because they dont like the idea of lying to them, but it is actually a bona fide technique called "therapeutic untruths" and is often called "love lies" on here. If the truth distresses someone with dementia, you will never be able to bring them back into reality, so you have to enter their world and come up with an explanation that they can understand. It gets easier with practise.

BTW, if there is anyone else who might be asked to get vodka for her, do make sure that you speak to them so that she doesnt just swap from asking you to asking someone else.

 

[Weasell]

Thank you @canary, I thought much the same as you, and my typing is so slow you have saved me a lot of words!
My only other thought is, we have Croft sherry ( in a small wine glass tut tut !) and a packet of cheese and onion crisps before dinner!
With the phycology of drinking , vodka and wine are drinks that go on all night long but sherry is a before dinner drink, so when it’s gone it’s gone??? dinner time now, soft drink, move on! Would it be trying to present it as an alternative when the vodka has ‘ run out’?
Also perhaps up your spend on non alcoholic drinks, and serve them with a slice of lemon and some ice ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I don't know much about vodka but could you water it down? (i.e. empty half the bottle and top it up with water.) Perhaps do that and buy some fruity mixers that would disguise the taste more anyway. With a bit of luck she won't notice!

 

[Chris23]

Hello @Chris23 and welcome to DTP

This is by no means unknown with dementia. The trouble is that they are trying to self medicate for the anxiety, but because they have memory problems they dont remember how much they have drunk and their subconscious brain fills in the gaps. So when your mum says that she had the vodka from before Christmas she really and truly believes it and has no idea how much she is actually drinking. So in her mind, you see, you are just being horrible, lying to her and are the worst daughter on earth!

One way of dealing with this is to water the vodka down so that she isnt drinking so much. If you could take the empty bottle away you could then half fill it with vodka and fill it up with water.

Another way is to agree to get the vodka, but do nothing. Then when she asks you about it either act innocent and say yes, of course you will get some, or else you could come up with a "reason" why you haven't got it - your car broke down/the supermarket had run out and the selves were completely bare/oh whoops, your memory must be going because you completely forgot!

Lots of people dont like using this technique because they dont like the idea of lying to them, but it is actually a bona fide technique called "therapeutic untruths" and is often called "love lies" on here. If the truth distresses someone with dementia, you will never be able to bring them back into reality, so you have to enter their world and come up with an explanation that they can understand. It gets easier with practise.

BTW, if there is anyone else who might be asked to get vodka for her, do make sure that you speak to them so that she doesnt just swap from asking you to asking someone else.

Thank you for your reply. I am hoping if there is none in she will forget about it but tonight she said on the phone that I should not go any more. However she can not manage on her own so am hoping this blows over again, she insists that she hasn’t drunk it but it disappears.

 

[Corygal]

Stop buying alcohol.

She's acting like 'spoilt child' - so would you feed a child a bottle of vodka? Would you feel guilty if you didn't?

Your mother can't drink if you don't give it to her. My dad has alcohol dementia - the whining and aggression when he wasn't fed drink was grim, but it's grimmer when they're drunk, as you no doubt know, so better grim and sober.

You can buy fake wine or put water in a spirits bottle - works too.

In the meantime, change the subject and put earphones in. That's hard, but necessary to survive, and particularly to keep your mother safe if she's using dementia meds.

 

[Anon33]

You have a lot of great suggestions already offered to you. i have noticed that my dad is very influenced by what is on the t v and he has seen people drinking on tv and then asked for one. It didn’t last because he soon forgot but it was an observation I had.
This is change in his behaviour And something I am more aware of now.

My parents had also started over feeding their dog so I just take one tin of food a day. Although I think they get around that by feeding her human food. There’s only so much we can to help.

 

[Hayley JS]

Hi Chris, I had a terrible time with my mum and alcohol abuse during the earlier stages of her dementia. If there was no alcohol in the house she would go out and get it herself, often whilst inebriated and inappropriately attired. Ultimately she ended up falling in the street ( drunk ), breaking her arm and winding up in hospital.

I now buy alcohol free wine and low alcohol wines like Lambrini/Country Manor and alternate or dilute her drinks. As Canary said, a lot of the drinking is a way of self medicating for the anxiety caused by the dementia. I find that as long as she has access to the wine she’s happy and if formerly stressed, visibly relaxes with a glass in her hand regardless of the fact it has a zero alcohol content. I keep the low alcohol wines hidden and leave the zero alcohol in the fridge, it gives her a sense of control to know she can help herself and mostly she doesn’t bother.

You do have to be a bit crafty though, I have been accused of giving her ‘pop’ hence its necessary to have a little of the real stuff in as well! The drinking used to make me very angry as my stepdad had been an alcoholic and mum and I went through years of hell with him. I couldn’t get my head around how she could head down the same path. Once I understood the drinking was mainly motivated by fear I had a lot more compassion.

Chin up and good luck :0)