My mum has mixed dementia and has been progressively getting worse. She had a stoke previously which has effected her taste and smell. She has diabetes which is poorly controlled and refuses to let me check her blood sugars. The doctor has advised us both that she is one step away from having insulin injections but she continues to eat only cake and sweet things. If we refuse to buy her these things she will not eat and become angry and depressed and talk about killing herself and us being better off without her, and she has nothing good in her life other than cake, which then effects mine and my brothers mental health. She refuses to get dressed and washed most days and leaves food out all day which then upsets her tummy when eating it. She only takes her morning medication and refuses to take her evening ones. She is fatigued because her diet is bad and she does nothing all day but sleep or sit around and doesn't engage in any meaningful activities regardless of how much we encourage her, she tells us we are getting at her when we try to encourage and explain why she needs to eat well and drink and take her medication. She has declined all carers in the past and social services were no help when i requested a crises referral from the GP as they referred to a charity that could not help us, then they discharged her assuming that the charity would help. She currently lives alone and myself and my brother both work and every service we have contacted or been referred to is unable to help as she does not live in any of their catchment area's and does not have a permanent carer. She permanently has a UTI and is incontinent as she refuses to drink more unless we are with her 24/7 and can get quite annoyed and angry with us for encouraging her. She says she doesn't want to be a burden but then calls us all the time moaning that she has no company and doesn't know where she is or what day it is to get us to feel guilty and go to hers and the house is always a mess! Every time we try to get her some home help she sends them away and moans that they didn't do anything anyway (because she won't let them), which then means that we have to pick up that extra work. We are both exhausted and any advice or help would be greatly appreciated as we feel that the only time she will get help is if she ends up in hospital.
Struggling to care for my mum
- Thread starter Twinkle3377
- Start date
Hi @Twinkle3377, and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
It sounds like your mother really needs to be in a care home. That way her medication will be given correctly, her diabetes controlled and there will be things for her to do. Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney and does your mother have enough money to be self-funding (assets of over £23,500?) If she does I'd have a look at some local homes, they are not all alike and find one you think will suit her. Then arrange some respite with a view to it becoming permanent.
If she would need to be funded by social services go back to them and tell them she is a vulnerable adult at risk of harm and get them to re-asses her.
I'm sure others that have been in this situation will be along shortly with their suggestions.
It sounds like your mother really needs to be in a care home. That way her medication will be given correctly, her diabetes controlled and there will be things for her to do. Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney and does your mother have enough money to be self-funding (assets of over £23,500?) If she does I'd have a look at some local homes, they are not all alike and find one you think will suit her. Then arrange some respite with a view to it becoming permanent.
If she would need to be funded by social services go back to them and tell them she is a vulnerable adult at risk of harm and get them to re-asses her.
I'm sure others that have been in this situation will be along shortly with their suggestions.
Hello @Twinkle3377 Has Mum had a needs assessment from Social Services? My mum wouldn't accept carers for years, but after a needs assessment the social worker organised carer visits to give meds and food and I could tell Mum the Social Worker insisted on carers coming in as an alternative to a care home!
If your Mum has a permanent UTI, her GP really needs to do something about this as any infection makes dementia symptoms worse.
It does seem that your Mum needs a lot more care than she's getting and you and your brother just aren't in a position to give it to her. She's probably phoning you and complaining because she's so lonely and frightened, being by herself so much. She needs professional help.
If your Mum has a permanent UTI, her GP really needs to do something about this as any infection makes dementia symptoms worse.
It does seem that your Mum needs a lot more care than she's getting and you and your brother just aren't in a position to give it to her. She's probably phoning you and complaining because she's so lonely and frightened, being by herself so much. She needs professional help.
I agree with @Sarasa - she really could do with being in a care home.
MIL was exactly the same as your Mum with regards to medication, diet, drinking, telephone calls etc - added to that she didn't shower or wash her hair for about 3 years before going into care. Within a week of being in care she was taking all her medication, eating what everyone else was, had been bathed ,had her hair washed and , with the help of medication, much less anxious.
No matter how much you want it to not come to a care home things are far beyond what a couple of stressed 'children' can manage.
Tell social services that she is a 'vulnerable adult, at risk of harm and that you are at carer breakdown' - hopefully that might get them on board as well.
MIL was exactly the same as your Mum with regards to medication, diet, drinking, telephone calls etc - added to that she didn't shower or wash her hair for about 3 years before going into care. Within a week of being in care she was taking all her medication, eating what everyone else was, had been bathed ,had her hair washed and , with the help of medication, much less anxious.
No matter how much you want it to not come to a care home things are far beyond what a couple of stressed 'children' can manage.
Tell social services that she is a 'vulnerable adult, at risk of harm and that you are at carer breakdown' - hopefully that might get them on board as well.
Oh! dear, this lady needs more than you and your brother are able to give and what you both want for her. It's not your fault and somebody needs to get hold of this quickly. Your local council ( and by that I mean a body of elected Councillors) will have one Councillor who has a portfolio for Social Care and will have been elected to that position by the members. Their name will most likely appear on the council website under the Councillors heading. Get in touch and ask them to assist you from the social care point of view. I did this with my wife when problems arose about care accommodation. It worked wonders and hopefully could work just as well for you. You need to do this for the sake of your MIL because there are some things that we are just not geared up to handling. You see you've made the first step and called for help. Good, now try the next step and I hope you are successful.
Hi @Twinkle3377
I remember this stage with mum. She wouldnt accept carers either and wouldnt allow them in her home. Every day there seemed to be some problem and I was tearing my hair out.
I remember this stage with mum. She wouldnt accept carers either and wouldnt allow them in her home. Every day there seemed to be some problem and I was tearing my hair out.
Im afraid this is often the case. My mum did in fact end up in hospital and moved to a care home straight from there. This was actually good because once she settled, she thrived and was happy there.
