Struggling relationship with my mum

[imthedaughter]

Dad is probably 5 years in his dementia journey - his mobility is ok and walks with stick , he maintains control of his personal care. Mum in control of cooking and dispensing medication - 5 days a week she has external cover - dad at care centre 2 full days and 3 afternoons covered by carer coming to house. Financial situation shared by sister and I and we have viewed care facilities for full time care for future - she is unwilling at this stage to proceed down this route - he is on waiting list for 2 homes. We are assisting to the best of our ability but it’s not always recognised or received well. Am struggling when I hear that we don’t live with it 24/7 but the resentment and negativity certainly do ripple out to those trying hard to be supportive.

This is good information, thank you. Gosh, I do hope your mum isn't developing dementia as well. I would still say respite care could be a good idea to help you all figure it out. I don't even dare to speculate how you might go about getting mum checked out - would she go just for a check up, well woman or otherwise? It's hard to tell if it's her generally or her caring that is making her behave like this unless you can go by process of elimination.

 

[MartinWL]

Whenever I hear stories like this a bit of me wonders whether the spouse is beginning to develop dementia too.

I had the same thought on reading this, it sounds very likely.

Mind you, my old grandma used to say that great minds think alike, and then she would add that fools seldom differ

 

[Debbie J]

I have a 91year old mother with vascular dementia and heart failure , she angers me , exasperates me , makes me sad too as she is not the mother I knew , she does nothing for herself any more , I got to the point where I suffered from severe stress and exhaustion which has got a couple of family members to go in to her occasionally to give me a break . I got carers in at teatime to ease the stress and give me a bit of time to myself but they were useless , had a nightmare with them so cancelled them altogether . I am 67 and have medical issues of my own so totally understand what an 82 year old is feeling when trying to look after her husband , family who don’t do the caring day to day don’t understand the pressure and what it takes out if you - be a bit more understanding please.

Am sorry to hear about your situation and I think I am a sensitive enough person to appreciate how difficult things would be for you. Everyone has different issues and when you realise relationships are breaking down it’s difficult. A close family member died from dementia about 15 years ago - I recall the arguments only too well where mum voiced very clearly that it wasn’t her responsibility to care or support this relative - fast forward in time and life is very different- mum is fortunate to have my sister and I on hand to deal with anything she is struggling with yet she feels so very resentful and on a daily basis this filters into our lives also. I think of dad in this situation constantly wondering if her resentful attitude is hurting him - he can’t really communicate on a deep, meaningful level but there are definite moments where he grasps what is happening - that is sad for me.
I guess at the end of the day my struggle with mum has to be endured until such time that we make a collective decision to get dad into permanent care.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I guess at the end of the day my struggle with mum has to be endured until such time that we make a collective decision to get dad into permanent care.

What a horrible situation for all concerned. I do feel for you, it must be heartbreaking to see your Dad being treated like that when he’s so vulnerable. ? Sounds like you’re all helping as much as possible, but Dementia makes everything so difficult. The “least worst option” is often the best you can do.

 

[Jane4567]

Thanks for your feedback here - it’s a lot to think about and to be honest am unsure how on earth I would even begin to broach this with mum as she is unreceptive to almost any suggestions re - dad’s care and her well being. However one for discussion with my

Thanks for your feedback here - it’s a lot to think about and to be honest am unsure how on earth I would even begin to broach this with mum as she is unreceptive to almost any suggestions re - dad’s care and her well being. However one for discussion with my sister and brother ?

My mother was also absolutely vile to my poor old dad. They were fine before his diagnosis. He couldn’t do anything right and she continually shouted at him and belittled him. It was so distressing to watch. If I intervened she would start on me. As soon as she had an excuse (he had a delusional episode) she shoved him into a home. Within weeks she had cleared all of his stuff out of the house and redecorated the bedroom! I think she couldn’t stand ‘the shame’ of his disease and she hated losing control of him. She still visits the home once a week but I think only out of duty.
My sister & I offered to help in every possible way but she would never take any help but would then complain constantly.
I don’t think I will ever forgive her for the way she has treated him.

 

[janetruffles]

Mum is struggling and I am aware of that - my brother shared caring responsibilities over last week enabling mum to travel to her sister in law for a break. Dad is at dementia centre 2 days a week - and carer comes three afternoon per week - I do understand mum is losing her husband but our old dad still flickers when they are not together. Dad asked me after a particularly unpleasant verbal tirade from mum (which I did witness and subsequently removed him from) ‘how did it all come to this?’
Mum gets plenty of help and she has myself and sister living within 2km who help with shopping etc. The main concern is that she is resentful and very negative which makes her dealing with dad tricky and impactful not only on their situation but also on family relations .

Not everyone is cut out for being a carer! Maybe your mum isn’t either, I know I could not become a carer, my mum has dementia but I could not and will not look after her, that’s not my job, sorry if I offend anyone with that but it’s how I feel,
Maybe your dad would be better in a care home so your mum can get on with her life?

 

[T1000]

Not everyone is cut out for being a carer! Maybe your mum isn’t either, I know I could not become a carer, my mum has dementia but I could not and will not look after her, that’s not my job, sorry if I offend anyone with that but it’s how I feel,
Maybe your dad would be better in a care home so your mum can get on with her life?

Janet, I feel you on that one and it's something I struggle with too, but as she had no one else that's that for me, I do what I can.