Striking a balance

[notsogooddtr]

We have cared for my parents to varying degrees for 5 plus years.Tried everything to keep them at home,then extra sheltered accommodation,finally full time care.Mum died in September,Dad has very advanced dementia but still here.Our lives were not our own,constant anxiety,trying to manage our own lives and jobs,their ever increasing needs and just having a life.Now my mil has dementia,cared for by fil.Her mobility is getting worse by the week,stairs are a real hazard,fil doesn't say much but he has taken over the running of the house,cooking,shopping and her personal care.He is coping.Just.My husband persuaded him to have needs assessment for mil.Took day off work to be there.SW very helpful,suggested sheltered accommodation might be way forward.Surprisingly fil agreed to look.But it doesn't suit them.They liked the facilities,they liked the flat but they are used to living on a main rd and this was in a quiet st.So far so their prerogative.But their needs will increase.FIL could become unwell.They don't need carers.They don't need telecare.They want to stay independent.Well we want a life.Our first grandchild expected in June,we want to enjoy him or her.We don't want to relive the last five years.Our parents never experienced this,none of their parents reached the point where they needed care,they had a relatively carefree period post retirement when they could travel,enjoy their grandchildren,enjoy life.How do you strike the balance between their needs and your own?Has anyone ever actually done that 'you've made your choice,you live with it'thing?