- Oct 5, 2021
Emotional numbness and overwhelming stress has been my life these last few weeks. My mothers melanoma cancer has amped up her dementia symptoms. Mothers 82years old and has been more and more delusional and short tempered. Constantly searching for things she claims people have stolen from her at all hours of the day and night she’ll be very restless. I put her things in sight to give her relief but there’s always something. She speaks of people who have passed away and feels the need to go visit them and help them and demands I take her. At times I forget that trying to make them understand the reality of things is next to impossible. People have told me to go along with her “reality” but when it gets out of hand and she acts on it at some point I need to put a stop and say to myself that’s enough. Keeping her busy is difficult, she sleeps at any given moment for moments at a time. She calls my name when she feels anxious or scarred of feeling left alone, nursing home or assisted living isn’t an option, she doesn’t take well with strangers and has always been depended on me. Trips to the hospital have been the norm and is when I stress out the most. Sleep is a luxury because I’m constantly trying to explain why people need blood work or tests etc. like walking on egg shells desperately avoiding my mother becoming agitated and angry at the people that want to help her including myself. Last thing I want is for her to feel like I’ve abandoned her. I quit my job and quit my business to be her full time caregiver. I’m 36 years old and I feel like my life is slipping away with fear that I won’t know how to cope with life when my mother is gone. Fear of being so far behind that my competition of younger folk will always have the upper hand in the working field. I don’t know how much time I still have with her I am extremely grateful God has blessed her with 80+ years of life at my side but I also understand I lost her a long time ago because she isn’t the lively person I remember her to be. Always singing and always in the kitchen. I’m constantly fearful of the day that I will see her no longer breathing and thinking to myself this is it this is where my life changes and the emptiness will consume me.The desperate attempt to fill a void in my heart with what I will consider pointless distractions and sleepless nights not by her restlessness but by my own haunting memories. I’m taking one day at a time and for many it’s an opportunity to get back to living life and experience what I’ve missed. That may be true but even though I feel emotionally and physically exhausted I’ll never be ready to let go.