Stressed about sorting mothers house.

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Hello Everyone.

It seems that as I live alone I can have a social bubble with another household. I have decided to allow my brother and his partner to come round and help with the clearing as I can no longer stand the stress I feel t the moment. At least we can feel that things are moving although I will keep an eye on what is being cleared as I realise that we cannot get rid of things that could be of value for probate and also my other brother might want something. I am also looking at properties on-line, re-mortgaging and possibly taking in lodgers when the current situation is better.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Hello Everyone

Just letting you know that my brother came round to take stuff to the tip but he didn't take anything in the end. He was expecting me to have sorted out all the books in the house over lockdown in other words all the books in a three bed-roomed house. My explanation of trying to find the time to go through everything and do my on-line teaching and normal housework didn't get anywhere. He also thinks that it is awful of me not to pay rent before probate goes through and he has told me that people are flabbergasted by my behaviour. I haven't told him that I have been talking about his behaviour anyway I am not a good person.

MaNaAk
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
203
That's the last thing you need; big hugs! I am glad I am not in contact with my cousins when I read how family behaves.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Thankyou @CWR

I found I had to hold my tongue otherwise we could have had a big row. I pointed out a
few things that he didn't do but of course he is perfect.

Very difficult but of course it's easy for him to just get rid of dad's stuff.

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
I think your brother just has no understanding and you are never going to get him to see things from your perspective at all........

I do think the situation is difficult because your brothers just want things settled and see you as the barrier to that.

Well done for biting your tongue....not easy at all.

The problem is with current situation they can’t really come round and get stuck in.....I really do think though that you need to set aside some time to start packing things that you want to keep, box up and label them with your name.....stack them in a corner if you have to.

It’s going to be very hard for you both emotionally and physically......sorting a house out is exhausting, I know I have had to do it, in just 2 weeks mostly alone and I was ill with pleurisy....it nearly finished me off......
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Thankyou @DianeW,

I was hoping you would respond. I thought done quite well so far and of course my brother just looked around and made assumptions. He has no idea how much I have already got rid off. He says that he can get rid of things very quickly and this I know because we started before lockdown
and he packed things away so quickly it was as if he was detached from memories.

It also takes a lot of time to go through some of dad's documents but it's no use telling him this. He asked whether I had ever had to spoon feed dad and of course I never had to do this but I did have to struggle to encourage him to eat and of course he was diabetic.

I now know for sure that he has been talking about me and he says that people have been flabbergasted by my behaviour. Of course I have spoken about his but I haven't told him about this. I have just felt I have needed people to talk to and this sight is wonderful for that.

Thankyou all for listening

MaNaAk

PS: It's just as well we can all be anonymous here.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
I think your brother just has no understanding and you are never going to get him to see things from your perspective at all........

I do think the situation is difficult because your brothers just want things settled and see you as the barrier to that.

Well done for biting your tongue....not easy at all.

The problem is with current situation they can’t really come round and get stuck in.....I really do think though that you need to set aside some time to start packing things that you want to keep, box up and label them with your name.....stack them in a corner if you have to.

It’s going to be very hard for you both emotionally and physically......sorting a house out is exhausting, I know I have had to do it, in just 2 weeks mostly alone and I was ill with pleurisy....it nearly finished me off......
I hope you are okay now Diane.

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
I’m sort of ok thank you........x

I think you should remember he will likely have spoken to people and been sort of encouraging them to see it from his point of view, he won’t have give them a fair perspective of how much you have done and that you are trying very hard to move forward, because he absolutely wouldn’t want anyone to think he was putting pressure on you now would he???

And often people agree with the person telling the story without really understanding the whole picture....please don’t worry about it too much x

I am really hoping you do manage to buy them out and can remain in family home as it seems that is what you really want, but it’s got to be affordable, you to have got to live and not be overstretched financially.........I am sure it will all work out fine x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Thankyou @DianeW.

The flats I saw before lockdown were out too expensive and but I am still looking on the Internet and considering other options.
Still reeling a bit from being told about my abominable behaviour from someone who could have done more to help dad and who also critised dad as a father.

MaNaAk
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,093
Thankyou @DianeW.

The flats I saw before lockdown were out too expensive and but I am still looking on the Internet and considering other options.
Still reeling a bit from being told about my abominable behaviour from someone who could have done more to help dad and who also critised dad as a father.

MaNaAk
@MaNaAk He is lashing out and blaming you to cover his own short comings. He is fully aware of how you looked after your dad and how he just left you to it.

Every time he sees you he is reminded of these things and it may actually make him feel a bit bad inside and you are the cause of that. Your brother knows how much you gave up to look after your dad and you are now paying the price by losing your home. Your brother has lost nothing and knows it and he feels ashamed whenever he sees you. You are better than he is and your dad would be proud of you.

Don't let him upset you.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Thankyou @Duggies-girl.

One thing we discussed when yesterday, when I was told that my behaviour was abominable, was charity shops which come to collect books. I looked these up on-line and of course some of these won't be open until July. My brother said that he found out that they will come and collect boxes that can't weigh more than 20kg and there shouldn't be less than ten boxes. Of course some of these were packed by three of us before lockdown and they were more than 20kg and of course I am re-packing them.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
I'm getting there slowly with the clearing and I have to say that whilst it is sad going through mum, dad and nana's things it is rather nice to give things a clean and create space. I will be getting in touch with charities to collect boxes and a new paper shredder and more boxes are to arrive tomorrow. If my youngest brother phones he is welcome to come and help but I feel reluctant to contact him after being told that my behaviour is abominable. I am getting there.

MaNaAk
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,706
66
Toronto, Canada
Slow and steady wins the race, after all. I'm glad you are making the most of cleaning things, that must bring back happy memories for you. You seem to have things going smoothly. Good stuff!
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
203
I still have most of mum's clothes in the living room. I can't bring myself yet to get rid of them.It would feel like disposing of her. Like wise with her ashes.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
I still have most of mum's clothes in the living room. I can't bring myself yet to get rid of them.It would feel like disposing of her. Like wise with her ashes.
Dear CWR,

You have to go at your own pace because you are still grieving. I am putting things in boxes but they won't be going anywhere quickly because not all charity shops are open and the ones that offer collection certainly aren't able to do this. I haven't heard fromy brother and his partner but if they do contact me they are welcome to come and help but I have to be careful that I don't end up with too many boxes stacked all over the house.

I will be welcoming my pupils back at some point but I need a safe environment. You must give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,734
Essex
Hello Everyone.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and he is concerned about clearing out before probate has gone through and says I should make a list of everything. This is a lot of work and I would rather take photos and save those. I have cleared out a lot of rubbish and clothes but does anyone know what the legal position is regarding books and ornaments. The older of my two brothers is concerned about this and he doesn't fancy coming here in lockdown. My other brother would like to get as much cleared as possible and I still feel uncomfortable at contacting him. I think he would be happy for me to clear boxes without him being there. We have found charity shops that are willing to come and collect stuff but a lot of them are still shut.

MaNaAk
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,995
North West
Hi @MaNaAk

I wouldn't worry about books and ornaments, but unless you know what to do with them pack them away and label the box so you know where they are if anyone asks.