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Stressed about sorting mothers house.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,643
66
Toronto, Canada
@CWR although siblings can be a huge pain, I was very lucky in that my sister and I were in agreement about nearly everything to do with Mum's care. This was with my sister being 350 miles away. I would update her, and ask her opinion. She would give me her opinion but then say "You're there - you do what you think is best". It would have been so, so much harder had I had to do everything alone.

@MaNaK I'm sorry to hear your younger brother is so remote regarding all you have to do. But you must simply let him know and then go on.
 
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MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Yes I will do but I will give myself breathing space as well. The email I sent was really an update after all he doesn't seem to be concerned about how far my other brother has got with probate. I must that despite all this when I do the clearing it is quite refreshing because all I feel very sad dealing with memories it lovely creating space. Also I feel I am starting to move on a bit I would like to think that when we finally sorted out the house I could have some relationship with my brothers. However it's a struggle when after all the love I thought I had shown the family I am told that my behaviour is abominable and that's why I sometimes need a break from it.

MaNaAk
 
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MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Just letting you all know that the elder of my two brothers is coming for a few days visit in a couple of days to give me a birthday present which is nice. He would also a chance to look at the boxes of books but he just wants to come for a visit.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Thankyou Diane.

I will also be celebrating with friends and on another note mum's anniversary is four days before and I wanted to go and dad's tombstone for the first time so I'll see what my brother wants to do about this. If not I can always go later.

MaNaAk
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
555
That's nice. Have a good time with your brother @MaNaAk . Fish and chips? and ice cream? and I hope a glass of something lovely too.
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
199
That sounds hopeful; You deserve some rest after this stressful time.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Thankyou @CWR ,

I've kept both brothers updated but sadly today my youngest brother sent his partner in to pick up their post. I would have liked to have seen him on my birthday but I don't feel like phoning because the last phone call was stressful. It might be better to phone afterwards. I've kept both brothers updated from the beginning.

Hope you're okay. I'm looking forward to more pupils coming back. What my brother do without his partner?

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
733
Lytham St Annes
Please don’t worry about your brother, after that last call I would leave it to him, all you need to do is continue as you are and keep them informed via email of anything important regards to the house.......leave the rest upto them, it’s their loss....this is just what I would do but then I am rather stubborn 😱😱
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Dear @DianeW,

Thankyou for your support this is what I've been doing and it's the elder of my two brothers that has shown concern. I didn't hear anything from my youngest brother after the email that was sent this week either but I had a good conversation with my other brother. Yes difficult things need to be discussed but he is able to come and choose what he might like to take.

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Dear @DianeW,

Thankyou for your support this is what I've been doing and it's the elder of my two brothers that has shown concern. I didn't hear anything from my youngest brother after the email that was sent this week either but I had a good conversation with my other brother. Yes difficult things need to be discussed but he is able to come and choose what he might like to take.

MaNaAk
Oh my lovely i have just caught up with all that's happening ....

Happy Birthday first 😘

secondly i'm sending you this as a present please look on these next words as such

💕i give you the gift of loving a person without liking them 💕

Thus absolving you from the mixed emotions family can bring - i hope my good intentions are received as such. These words are sent with love, compassion & empathy

🥂🎂harder to send virtually
xx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Thankyou @DesperateofDevon,

Yes that's so true. One of the saddest things I had to do as a carer was to remind dad about who we all were and we are related. Also why we need to give presents and cards on birthdays my brother never had to do this so he will never know how I love him so as you say I love him but I don't like his behaviour.

As I've said before it takes special people to do what we're doing. My friend said today that my brother knows he did and he's too embarrassed to face it.

Thanks again

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thankyou @DesperateofDevon,

Yes that's so true. One of the saddest things I had to do as a carer was to remind dad about who we all were and we are related. Also why we need to give presents and cards on birthdays my brother never had to do this so he will never know how I love him so as you say I love him but I don't like his behaviour.

As I've said before it takes special people to do what we're doing. My friend said today that my brother knows he did and he's too embarrassed to face it.

Thanks again

MaNaAk
the complexities & selfishness of those we love can bring a lot of heartache
permission to love another but not like them is a concept that some of us have to develop to protect the person we are.
Cutting away the hurt caused by others is easier when you accept that you love them but don't actually like them very much

💕💕💕💕
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
199
Thankyou @CWR ,

I've kept both brothers updated but sadly today my youngest brother sent his partner in to pick up their post. I would have liked to have seen him on my birthday but I don't feel like phoning because the last phone call was stressful. It might be better to phone afterwards. I've kept both brothers updated from the beginning.

Hope you're okay. I'm looking forward to more pupils coming back. What my brother do without his partner?

MaNaAk
I think guilt may have a lot to do with it; knowing that he should have done more. Seeing you in person would remind him of this uncomfortable fact. I don't know if this rings a bell with you, but it's my take. I think families decide that X ( sadly often a female) is the carer person, and therefore distance themselves so they can feel better. I sometimes feel guilt thatI didnt try harder to contactmy cousins to let them know about the funeral, but then I remind myself; they knew and didnt even offer to help, unlike some other people, not related. You have done your best by your father and tried to do the same by your brothers. If they cant accept that, it's their problem.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Dear @CWR,

Yes it does. My friend is in a similar position as the eldest of three and looking out for her mum and dad. Her younger brother and sister have left her to it! Please don't feel guilty as you did what you could for everyone. I love coming on this sight and chatting to you all. Have a look at How Is Everyone Coping In This Weather and see how we finally ended up chatting about the Magic Roundabout!

MaNaAk
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
199
I hate the way you think you're ok , and then you're not. It started last night,listening to a live stream organ recital. The organist is a wonderfully sensitive musician, and his playing got to me. Since then I've felt teary. I don't mind mentioning it on here, but I get the impression that some friends feel I should be moving on. Lucky I have a good supply of hankies is all I can say!
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,506
Essex
Dear Charles,

Today is mum's twelfth anniversary and it is just over a year since dad and I still shed tears when I hear some music. I have found that since losing dad not only am I grieving for him but also my dear mum. The two of them were inseparable and as carers we have extra special memories so please keep sharing them on here.

MaNaAk