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Stranger visiting my father in care home.....need advice

jen4jenuk2000

Registered User
Jan 27, 2013
15
If this woman's intentions were honourable, or even if she was just there to act as a visitor on the son's behalf, then she should be open and up front about what she is doing.

To sneak behind your and the care home's 'backs', claiming she is a relative, just doesn't sound right.

If she has nothing to hide then she wouldn't mind another person being in the room on her visits, or being honest about what she is doing and why. By now she should be clear that your father really is unwell, and is in the care home for genuine reasons, whether he wants to be there or not, and that he is being cared for properly.

What else could she report back to the overseas son?

If she is there for genuine reasons I have no reason to stop her visits but in the presence of myself or a member of staff so yes i'm with you on this why lie in the first place. There is nothing really to report back to him about unless there is another reason behind her visits and that is what is bothering me. Also he has a phone why doesn't he phone the home he has before and they'll tell him everything he wants to know its just silly.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
I agree with Nicoise, the staff should be concerned because she lied to them saying she was a relative, why did she not say she is a 'friend of a relative'? It would concern me if I was a member of staff responsible for your father's care especially as you have vised them she is a stranger to your father. Very fishy:confused:
 

jen4jenuk2000

Registered User
Jan 27, 2013
15
I agree with Nicoise, the staff should be concerned because she lied to them saying she was a relative, why did she not say she is a 'friend of a relative'? It would concern me if I was a member of staff responsible for your father's care especially as you have vised them she is a stranger to your father. Very fishy:confused:
Just an update, went to the home today. They said they don't like it but they can't stop this person visiting. He thought he'd had the conversation regarding his will etc with me but it turns out it was with the stranger. So in essence I have to be constantly worried that this woman is saying whatever she likes to dad getting information out of him that is no concern of hers just because the son in America said she could.

The home said consult a solicitor... What's that going to do. Nothing it's not like I can do a restraining order against her. It just sucks.
Thanks for the replies guys.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,068
West Hertfordshire
Do the home have any idea who she is? Have they actually confirmed with the bloke in US that she has been sent along by him? She could be just some local nutter who has managed to dupe everybody.

I wouldn't be happy either. Surely some random person turns u and starts talking wills with your dad needs addressing by the home manger- it isn't on. I do believe they CAN deny what appears to be a total stranger accessing a vunerable person.
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,824
UK
Sounds like you are going to have to confront this 'stranger' Kick up a fuss on the premises [not too much to upset other residents though] forcing the care home manager to take some action, who do you think they will ask to leave, daughter or stranger!!
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Sounds like you are going to have to confront this 'stranger' Kick up a fuss on the premises [not too much to upset other residents though] forcing the care home manager to take some action, who do you think they will ask to leave, daughter or stranger!!
I actually think that's a pretty bad idea. It's possible that they both will get ejected and it really won't reflect well on the OP.
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
England
The CH should at least ask her for her name, address and phone number. They are perfectly entitled to do this to protect any resident. They have a duty to protect him. In his own house a stranger couldn't keep waltzing in and gaining private access to your dad. He should have no less privacy and protection in a residential setting.

I think you should notify social services that a safeguarding issue has occurred, and that potential abuse is continuing to occur.

I also think you should go to the police. They could instruct the CH staff to call them when next this woman visits and they can talk to her and find out what she is doing.

KEY POINTS:

  • She is a complete stranger to your dad and the family.
  • She did not make contact with his wife before starting these visits.
  • She told the CH she was a relative. This was a lie. If someone lies in order to gain access to a vulnerable adult, they can be presumed to be a risk to him IMO. (regularly seeks access to a vulnerable adult without a legitimate reason).
  • When she met his wife she did not explain why she was visiting regularly, other than to say his son in America had asked her to do so.
  • She has been asked by his wife not to visit again and has refused to comply with the wishes of his nearest relative.
  • Your dad has told you that he doesn't want her to visit him.
  • She brings food to a cancer patient who is on a monitored diet due to his medical condition. He vomits when fed too much, or unsuitable food. (risk of physical harm). She could be a poisoner for all anyone knows about her!
  • Your dad is tired and weak and needs a lot of rest. He does not benefit from her visits.
  • Your dad is a vulnerable adult who does not have the capacity to recognise and put a stop to potential abuse, nor the ability to tell her to go away.
  • Your dad has told you that she has talked to him about his Will. It is totally inappropriate (and suspicious) for a stranger to be discussing his financial affairs. (risk of financial abuse).
  • Such discussions will upset your dad since he will not want to talk about private matters with a stranger and may feel pressurised. (risk of emotional abuse).

I have highlighted the key points where I think the risk to a vulnerable adult are most obvious.

I do hope you can put a stop to this woman's game. I am sure you can feel the concern and support from your friends on TP, encouraging you to take bold action.
 
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jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
I think Katrine has laid out your options very well. The one thing I would add is to make sure that everything you say is factually true. For example the care home has told you that she said she was a relative. If this is something that the care home is prepared to confirm, include it. If however there's a possibility that the care home is 1) covering for themselves and/or 2) the woman actually said "acting on behalf of a relative" you need to try to confirm that it wasn't a misunderstanding on the care homes part. People sometime have selective hearing and may well have heard "relative of Mr Brown" when what was actually said was "on behalf of a relative of Mr Brown".
 

Pete R

Registered User
Jul 26, 2014
2,036
Staffs
You could always put a voice recorder in the room and listen to what she is actually up to.;)
 

tryingmybest

Registered User
May 22, 2015
644
Excellent advice here from Katrine. I hope you are able to sort this out and stop this woman. It all sounds extremely suspicious. I certainly would not be happy if this happened. Good luck. Xx
 

Quizbunny

Registered User
Nov 20, 2011
117
If your father has said he does not want her to visit him, and your mother is also against these visits, I do not understand why the CH is saying they have to allow her in. They should refuse her entry and refer her to you. The CH should not have final say over who visits, your mother should.

Well apart from the above no one knows who on earth she is.
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,269
I completely agree with all the above.

The care home is essentially saying that anyone can turn up and have unrestricted access to their residents, which is ridiculous. And clearly 'unwanted visitor' scenarios do happen, given what our aunt's care home manager was telling me, and a quick 'sorry but Mr/Mrs Smith is too ill for visitors apart from immediate family' is an easy, truthful and appropriate response.

What do they think this woman is going to do if turned away? :confused:
 

Long-Suffering

Registered User
Jul 6, 2015
425
What an outrageous situation!

The bottom line is your dad and your mum have both said they don't want this woman to visit him. That in itself is all the CH manager ought to need to know to stop contact. No one should be compelled to sit and talk to someone in their home (whether it be their own property or a CH) if they don't want to. I suggest writing a letter to the CH manager stating that neither of them wish this woman to have access to your dad, get both your parents to sign it and give it to her. Adding a clause about you holding her and the CH legally responsible for anything that may happen if the visits continue may also get an effect.

As for why she is there, it all sounds very very dodgy and this son in America sounds like he might be of unstable mind himself. Good luck!

LS
 

Raggedrobin

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,427
It sounds a very odd situation but I think it would make more sense to sort of befriend this woman. Find a time when she goes in regularly and meet her, not in an aggressive way, but to say how lovely it is that she is visiting your father, but, um, why and introduce yourselves and ask her, nicely, who she is. And why she is visiting him. It isn't unreasonable for someone on the chalk face, as it were, to want to know who visits their relative. I would be worried in that situatin too. There may be some part of this puzzle that you don't know about, so I would try to deal with it very tactfully.

if she is taking in food for him it sounds as if she is presuming that he is not being properly cared for in some way. Perhaps you could arrange a meeting with a member of staff, with her and you, to explain what is going on for him in a dietary way. She needs to know not to bring him any food or drinks that upset him. She clearly has some sort of agenda, you need to know what it is.