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Stranger visiting my father in care home.....need advice

Discussion in 'Legal and financial issues' started by jen4jenuk2000, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    Hi,

    I wont go in to the long boring details however just a quick background on my situation..
    My father has dementia and in a home, he has been for past two years. My mother (wife ) and I visit him very regularly. My father has two other sons, one who doesn't have anything to do with him and one who lives in America. This son has never liked me or my mother and has done everything in his power to make my mother out to be an ogre...writing letters to social services to the home saying she tried to kill him, steal his money etc. He feels there is nothing wrong with him and we have put him there against his will, which of course is ludicrous.

    The son in America visits once a year twice maybe, winds dad up by filling his head with lies saying hell get him out etc. Now for the past two weeks a strange lady has started visiting my father... we have never met her before but when mum bumped in to her and said she was his wife she stood up and left very sharpish ( saying she was there as the son in America had asked )
    Now due to this woman popping up out of the blue, never met her before and told the home she was a relative when she wasn't we do not want her to visit him. This is mainly due to the fact we don't trust the son in america and it all smells a bit fishy. If he wants to know how his father is he can ring and find out not send a strange woman in to do his dirty work.
    My mother confronted her this morning in company of the manager and politely told her not to visit again, she said if she was told to by said son then she will visit when she likes and left. The manager at the care home said if my father doesn't mind her visiting then they dont think they can stop her.....This is very upsetting for me as he is there for a reason as he cant make decisions for himself and he doesn't even know her. My father can hold a conversation and can say what he wants for dinner,breakfast etc however you ask him something one minute youll get a different answer the next time he's confused and I do not think the care home are acting in his best interests here and I want to know where I stand on this decision...please someone shed some light on this.

    He is not short of visitors, I am his deputy but only for finances.
    Thanks in advance,

    Jenna
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    Is this'stranger' visiting at fixed times on certain days. check sign in book, she should be putting name, time in, time out. If theres a pattern, maybe you could arrange to be visiting at the same time at the very least you could keep your distance in able to hear exactly what they are talking about. Sorry, bit devious I know, but might be worth a try.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,788
    Female
    South coast
    I think you need to find out who she is. She will have had to sign in the CH book when she arrived and that may give you an idea to start from.
    I read your previous posts and I get the impression that you are worried that she is a solicitor. I see that you are deputy for his finances - is this from the Court of Protection? If so, and you told the bank etc that you hold the deptyship then there shouldnt be any way to get money out of him. Keep an eye on his bank accounts and if you see any irregularities get onto the bank straight away. Anything else he signs - divorce papers, change of will etc can easily be challenged due to lack of capacity.
    I can understand your concerns, but there may not be much the son can do.
     
  4. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    Im not sure shes a solicitor but something doesn't sit right with me. I dont want to be grudge him visitors but hes been there 2 and a half years and nothing now all of a sudden shes on the scene. She comes in the mornings, but it varies. I have thought about being there and listening in as if she has nothing to hide then she shouldn't have a problem chatting to him with someone present. However I work full time and my mother cant sit there all day waiting for this woman to turn up :/
    I want to know where I stand with his visiting rights before I go and see the manager myself, I want something to throw at her if she says there's nothing they can do...surely they have to safe guard his interests?

    Thanks for replies so far guys
     
  5. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    This to me is all very weird. If someone I didn't know was sitting with my mom...and giving me attitude ...I would tell the nursing home that I didn't want strangers visiting ...every time I hear these stories, I just want to scream. If it's all about money....then it is very sad:(
    Carole
     
  6. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    My thoughts exactly!!! it would have been different if shed had the decency to get in touch with us via the home talk with us introduce herself we would have been more accommodating but thinking she can come and go as she pleases buying him food and telling him allsorts is just not on. My dad says I dont want to upset strangers by saying they cant visit but deep down he doesn't want to sit there making small talk with her, hes actually very very ill at the moment not himself and I feel it's all too much for him.
     
  7. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    If your dad does not want to entertain this person, I see no reason why the nursing home cannot grant your request and tell this lady not to visit ( or anyone else you don't want for that matter). I still find it incredibly hard to believe this is happening. Are you saying that anyone can walk in and visit anyone in a nursing home? I would find out who she is and let your brother (or stepbrother) know that you will not be letting this person visit your dad without permission from you.
    Carole
     
  8. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    I think they are treading lightly as she says his son has given her permission. They said they need to get a social worker involved...they are running scared. I have no contact with the son in America he hates us and has nothing to do with us he just comes and goes as he pleases.
    Personally it shouldn't be up to my father as hes there for a reason, im not doing it to be mean to him im trying to protect him from a complete stranger. I'll speak to the home soon and see what they will do as short of camping up there 24/7 just to make sure she doesn't upset him I think she'll get her way but the sounds of the home.
     
  9. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    It seems very strange to me that a stranger can walk into a care home and sit and chat with someone who doesn't know her. Where is the duty of care from the care home? Surely their duty is to protect vulnerable people and without knowing who she is she should be asked to identify herself and her role in visiting.

    My late husband's care home checked anyone they didn't recognise and found out who they were and why they were visiting. I was asked once by a new nurse who didn't know me; I was pleased that they took the matter seriously.
     
  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    I wouldn't call it running scared actually. They are doing the correct thing by involving a social worker. While your father may be in a home, if this woman has been given permission by his son to visit AND the visits do not upset your father, and your father, from what you have said hasn't asked or shown by his behaviour that he doesn't want these visits, they really can't just stop those visit without a DolS authorization. I can understand why you are unhappy, and yes, I agree that the woman should identify herself to the home, but equally, I also understand the homes position in this.

    You should read this factsheet about DolS http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1327
     
  11. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    I agree Jan, it sounds really odd to me! I would insist that the care home not let her stay if I was concerned. Unfortunately, it involves family dynamics....so very very sad. I also have step children....it is no fun...if they want to make life difficult...at any cost...and for absolutely no good reason:confused:
    Carole
     
  12. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    Sounds like this care home need to tighten there security systems. If a member of the family did not pass on the key code to this person, then who did?! Very close friend of mine, whose mother is in a carehome, ocassionally asks me to visit when on holiday. In order to do this and because I am not family, in fact I am a stranger, I have to fill in a form giving my name, address and telephone number and daughter has to confirm I have permission to visit before the home gives me the key code and each time I do this the permission has to be confirmed. Of course if the resident is waiting at the door for me and lets me in telling the staff I am a friend, then I do not need to go through the paperwork, but I do.

    Is there no information whatsoever being held in the office about this visitor?
     
  13. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15

    I have nothing against the social worker being involved at all, he does have a DOLS in place. My concern is that the stranger rings the bell, lies and says she is a relative they let her in. No one contacts the NOK and lets us know...as in the two and a half years hes been there only myself and my mum visit then all of a sudden someone new comes on the scene they should be checking. I'm annoyed at the home for allowing this to happen, i understand they have to seek advice which is fine but id prefer if they told the woman you cannot visit until a decision is being made. No one know this womans intentions and dad said he doesn't want to make a seen but in actual fact he doesn't want her there as he says " shes a stranger"
    The son in america has not bothered with his father for the past 30years then expects that what he says goes, well I dont agree that he should have such a say. He has not had the decency to come to us since his father has been unwell so why should he get a say in who visits.
     
  14. CynthsDaugh

    CynthsDaugh Registered User

    May 5, 2015
    140
    Salford, Lancashire
    If the home haven't had contact with the son in America before, and only this womans word that he has asked her to visit his Dad, I would have thought they could abide by your wishes that she not visit your Dad?
     
  15. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Surely the whole point of having security on the door is to stop people wandering in off the street. She could be anyone!
     
  16. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    What I meant about not bothering is until dad went in to a home he didnt have contact since then he visits twice a year. He makes a scene when he visits saying dad is being held against his wishes and we are all plotting to keep his father there. When he visits he upsets dad by telling him lies about us and tells him hell get him out etc. My concerns are that this woman is also saying these things to him.
    The home do know of the son in America but he has no input like we do, we are the ones who they contact etc if hes unwell or has appoints for hospital.

    It appears there is no security there as they didnt check with us who she was. If they will not stop her from visiting then I suppose there is nothing I can do. Complain to social services they have potentially put him at risk of harm as you never know!
     
  17. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,257
    I'd be worried too. It's one thing for a son in America to perhaps ask a local to the care home friend to pop in and just see how his father is doing, then report back. But regular visits strike me as very odd. By the time a person needs residential care they're often quite poorly and, to be blunt, not the best company. My mum can still often follow a conversation but topics are limited and her memory, not surprisingly, is very poor so lots of our chats end up repeated. Some days her attention span can be one sentence long. I visit because she's my mum, but I wouldn't start visiting some random person with dementia.

    Maybe this woman is a lot kinder than I am but I'm an old cynic. As you say jen4jenuk2000, your dad doesn't seem to be getting anything from these visits and I doubt that this woman is either (sorry :eek: ) so something else has to be going on.

    I had a very illuminating chat with the manager of the care home my aunt's in because of a potential problem we were having with a distant relative who suddenly took an interest (only short lived as the aunt wasn't actually on her death bed so any inheritances have to wait for now... ), and she said that from time to time they do find a resident with a relative pushing a pen into their hand and paperwork ready to sign, so that kind of thing does go on. I'm not saying this is the case here but you never know!

    Our situation was handled very well. The distant relative was going to be told by the staff that the aunt was too ill for visitors she really didn't know, but, like I said, I don't think we'll be seeing this particular cousin until the reading of the will anyway.
     
  18. jen4jenuk2000

    jen4jenuk2000 Registered User

    Jan 27, 2013
    15
    Delphie your right about the conversations! I have the same conversation numerous times and at the moment he spends most of the visit asleep. He's become very ill the last 4 weeks ( they think he has cancer of the bowel ) and hes really not well and I have a feeling this woman is checking actually how ill he might be . It's horrible to say but she'd be able to report to America as soon as he died and he'd be straight over. I can imagine pushing paperwork under residents noses does happen, the staff are not always watching what people are doing etc. I know everything can be contested afterwards but it's the principle of it....I wouldn't dream of interfering with a family and then being rude to them saying ill visit as the son said so. Shes also bringing him food "hes not eating he doesn't like it " he's not eating as hes throwing it all up hence being ill.

    My mind boggles
     
  19. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,257
    I would try to get the care home more engaged with this, and the social services too, if need be. Regardless of what the son says, this woman is a stranger and your dad really is too ill to be humouring her through visits. I don't think anyone would like to have a complete stranger turning up uninvited, whether we're ill or well. Nothing about her sudden involvement strikes me as being in his best interests.
     
  20. nicoise

    nicoise Registered User

    Jun 29, 2010
    1,806
    If this woman's intentions were honourable, or even if she was just there to act as a visitor on the son's behalf, then she should be open and up front about what she is doing.

    To sneak behind your and the care home's 'backs', claiming she is a relative, just doesn't sound right.

    If she has nothing to hide then she wouldn't mind another person being in the room on her visits, or being honest about what she is doing and why. By now she should be clear that your father really is unwell, and is in the care home for genuine reasons, whether he wants to be there or not, and that he is being cared for properly.

    What else could she report back to the overseas son?
     

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