Strange feeling now it's all over

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Confused12, Aug 27, 2017.

  1. Confused12

    Confused12 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2012
    #1 Confused12, Aug 27, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2017
    Hi everyone, my mum passed in April after end of life and no Intake for 19 days. Her last week of life was hard for me because she looked nothing like she once did, she wasn't able to speak for years. My mum before Dementia was amazing, kind, funny, caring, a real guide in life. I went through the the funeral ok, because I know she was ill. Now I keep thinking, how did that happen to my mum? She didn't even look anything like my mum because she was round 4 stone when she passed. I find although I was devastated at the time and still am, I had a handle on it and knew she was at peace. Now I cry just by talking about her. Maybe it's delayed grief, I don't know. I am gutted that Dementia happened to my mam, as all families are and I am gutted she's not in my life anymore. My dad passed four years ago,suddenly with a heart attack. Just talking out loud, I don't have any friends close to me who have had experiences of dementia so it can be quite a solitary place ❤️
  2. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    My mum died last week & we are trying to sort out the funeral. The question of music came up.....|Did she have a favourite song? & I realised I don't remember the last time I had a proper conversation with her, it seems dementia chewed everything up & spat out muddle & confusion & wading through treacle.

    I hope things improve for you soon x

    Lin x
  3. lemonjuice

    lemonjuice Registered User

    Jun 15, 2016
    #3 lemonjuice, Aug 27, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2017
    Don't want to just read and not reply, though I have little advice to give.

    If your situation has been anything like mine, you've waited so long 'for the end' that probably initially you just felt huge relief that for your mum her long suffering and journey were over. No idea if that's the case, as my mother is still here, but I imagine that will be my initial reaction.

    My mother also hasn't spoken or reacted to my presence for 3 years now, but she is still there and I can visit.
    Although I often refer to it as similar to visting someone's grave, she is still physically 'here', even if I lost her years ago. After the funeral you're probably now realising that even that 'last link' has gone.

    I know having looked after my in-laws, living next door to us for the past 20 years and 'intensively' ( i e 6 regular visits a day, plus any extras of course), the biggest change was realising our lives were 'ours' again. To do what we wanted, when we wanted, without having to do military planning for any 'time off'. 4
    Suddenly we realised we'd just become so used to the routine, we didn't know what we wanted to do. 'That 'empty gap' might be what you're feeling perhaps?
    It's now been just over 6 months since m-i-l died,f-i-l died the previous year, and although we still have yet to clear the house, we only just feel we can start do this, without feelings of 'intruding'. Now I know they hadn't got dementia, just all the problems of being in their mid- 90s and my father dropped dead one morning very suddenly nearly 20 years ago., so I know how different it is to watch someone die very, very slowly from dementia.
    I often don't recognise my mother either, if she's in a chair in the main loungs and have had to have her pointed out to me by the staff.

    I do feel angry that dementia has blighted the last 10 years of my mother's life too. At least my m-i-l knew the significance of her grandson's weddings and knew what a great-grand-child was and even had a couple of holds, whereas my 'old mother' (i e pre-dementia) would have been overjoyed to see her grandsons get married, be introduced to their wives and see pictures / meet her great-grandchildren. but as she is incapable of knowing who anyone is, or even being aware of anybody in the room, she wasn't able to do any those things. I get very cross with this disease which robs a person of their 'uniqueness' and personality.

    I'm sure talking will help and hopefully in time you will start to remember the woman your mum used to be and rejoice in her life.

    I've recently had counselling to help me cope with the anticipatory grief and the stress caused by what I refer to as 'her many dress rehearsals for dying' over the past couple of years.
  4. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    So sorry you are feeling this now, just so you know it is normal for some people to get delayed grief as you rightly put it, my husband lost he Mum to Cancer and like us who lose a parent through dementia, at first there was relief that suffering was over, but a year later, he was hit by really bad depression, which at first we didn't really notice, I just saw a change in him, in fairness a lot of my time was taken up by dealing with my Mums dementia, eventually a few years more down the rd I realised he had a bigger problem than I had first realised and we got him help. The GP said it was caused by delayed grief. He is fine now, but I would say keep talking and letting people kn W how you are feeling and get some help if you need it, there is no shame in that. I lost my Mum on Monday and at the moment am experiencing that relief, but I'm sure I will feel differently later on. There are lots of good people on here who I am sure will help you through this. Take care xx

  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello confused. My mum died in April too. I got very, very depressed, but now Im on antidepressants and am beginning too feel better. I would recommend that you go and see your GP. You could also find a grief counselor who could help you through this period.
  6. Notwaving

    Notwaving Registered User

    Mar 5, 2010
    Hi Confused12
    It's been 4 yrs for me since Mum died . I can relate to how you are feeling . It's only when it's all over you have time to reflect.
    The best way I can describe it is Post traumatic stress disorder. I still get flash backs & depression. That sense of what happened?
    It is still a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I cope with distraction. Keep busy try not to dwell. I have feelings of sadness & anger in equal parts.

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