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STOP BEING SO SELFISH

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by Norrms, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    STOP BEING SO SELFISH >>>>>

    I was once asked since being diagnosed with dementia years, would you go back and try to change anything ?? My answer was simple, YES I would, and it is this!!

    I would go back a few years and tell myself to stop being so ****** Selfish, and here's why.

    Ok, so when I was first diagnosed I threw my toys out of the pram shouting WHY ME?, I was only 50 years old and had already lost my Gran and Father to dementia and I was fuming. A couple of years earlier I had to retire with heart failure and this was another blow that shook me off my feet.

    But what I didn't realise at the time, and do now, was how selfish I had been, because as I got worse I flatly refused to have any care, any help from anybody else which meant Elaine had to do it all herself. Looking back now, i always think, how could I do this to someone who has loved me, supported me, stood by me through thick and thin for all these years and expect her now to take up the strain all by herself, HOW SELFISH is that!!

    I know hindsight is a wonderful thing they say and at that time I used the words "Babysitter" and was very adamant I could manage on my own when I quite clearly couldn't as in the past i have nearly set the kitchen on fire three times (Not that I am a bad cook I may add!!) But I just couldn't see why anybody of my age would need a person of similar age, for the want of a better word, Babysitting " me, I was having none of it, until ?????

    Until one day I caught Elaine crying with exhaustion and Elaine is not one to cry, you also have to remember that Elaine also had 35 years as a professional carer under her belt, but when it's one of your own ?? when you cant clock off and go home ?? it's such a different matter.

    If I am very honest I have never forgiven myself for that, and believe me, even then it wasn't easy, I had about 5 different carers in 6 months until Peter came along nearly three years ago now. He inspired me to fall in love with fishing, he taught me what I know about fishing and now just love it when Elaine gets HER time with family and friends and I can get out and about as well.

    So YES I would tell myself to stop being so ****** selfish and think about others this disease affects, not just yourself.

    Much love

    Norrms xxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  2. 70smand

    70smand Registered User

    Dec 4, 2011
    265
    Female
    Essex
    This is a lovely post, thank you. It’s great that you are able to have that insight into how exhausting it can be caring for one you love so much.
    I wish my dad was able to have this insight with my mum in the past but I think he was so very scared he wouldn’t admit he needed help.
    You must have a wonderful relationship with your wife, best wishes xx
     
  3. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you xxx
     
  4. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    394
    Sheffield
    That’s so good that you can see that you need help for both of you. My husband has never been able to see that. He gets annoyed if I talk to anyone now. He drags me away and say tell them to p... off!
    If I go out for an hour to an exercise class I often walk into abuse and aggression!

    He is in respite now as I needed an operation and wouldn’t have Carers saying he would be ok on his own!
     
  5. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you xxxxxxxxx
     
  6. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    98
    Hello Norms,
    Gosh you’re wife’s a very lucky lady that you’re able to see that she needs her own time! My OH is the same as Guzelles, If I even go to my neighbors house for a coffee(about 30minutes at most) I face abuse when I get back, so I don’t even do that now,he’s embarrassing if people come to the house as well,making it obvious he wants them to leave!:eek: We know they can’t help it, and we have to try and understand how they feel, but it’s hard because we have needs and feelings too! Thank you for such a lovely post, I think you must be a very special person.:)xx
     
  7. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    270
    Female
    Essex
    Hi @Norrms , what a lovely post , it’s great to hear that you both have a good understanding relationship , there is hope for the rest of us . Best wishes to you both . X
     
  8. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you xxxxxx
     
  9. Agzy

    Agzy Registered User

    Nov 16, 2016
    853
    Moreton, Wirral. UK.
    Great and actually positive post mate as for others who may be Starting on the Same journey you have shared with us may well be influenced to accept the help they need,,, nice one.
     
  10. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you Agzy x
     
  11. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,142
    This brought tears this morning, I feel as if it’s sentiments if cognitively able to my Mum might have made. But then I realise my mums actually a selfish personality but it brought me happiness & some peace that another was able to see the impact of dementia on loved ones.
    I understand the desire & unwillingness to relinquish independent living, but admire your honesty & frankness
    Thank you
    You have brought hope & a relief from the relentless sadness that “ selfishness “ brings
    Thank you
    X
     
  12. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Your very welcome x
     
  13. Dunroamin

    Dunroamin Registered User

    May 5, 2019
    24
    @Norrms I am at the same stage regarding this and my Alzheimers. I am considerate of others but sadly aware that my journey along this unwanted road may well see me become more selfish as my self awareness and cognition decline further. It concerns me greatly. Hopefully we will both retain enough awareness for some time yet.
     
  14. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you xxxxxx
     
  15. White Rose

    White Rose Registered User

    Nov 4, 2018
    53
    Thank you for writing this Norms. I just wrote a reply to one of your poems too. I'm absolutely amazed at how well you write. I mentioned my partner who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's nearly 4 years ago. He is quite oblivious of what I go through as his carer and is only concerned for his own comfort and care (this is the disease, he was a thoughtful person before this). One of the most difficult things is keeping him occupied - he used to read a lot but can barely read now. He keeps telling me he wants to go to work. He has no real interests, if the weather's OK he might be persuaded to do some gardening but other than that I have to keep taking him out places. He's never really been one for male friends. So I just don't know what to do for him to make his life more interesting. Wish I could find someone like your carer Peter who might help him to find a new interest.
     
  16. ontheprecipice

    ontheprecipice New member

    Oct 10, 2019
    1
    I have just stumbled across this post as I was browsing the forum for the first time, feeling sorry for myself, struggling to look after my Dad and deal with the barrage of problems with his care.

    OK, let's get this clear, you are NOT selfish!!! You have every right to feel all those things you felt and anyone in your position would feel the same. It's inspirational and testament to your empathy and sensitivity that you recognise your OH's difficulties and raise the issue of the difficulties that family members also face. It's very brave of you to share your honest thoughts on this forum.

    I'm so glad you found the lovely Peter - carers like him are truly precious and make all the difference. Please thank him from me for being kind and thoughtful and send Elaine my love. Take care you lovely person. xxx
     
  17. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    260
    Great post norrms xx
     
  18. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you Lis 66
     

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