Still Thinking About Brother's Inheritance

[MaNaAk]

Hello Everyone.

Just letting you know that I am still thinking about my brothers's share of the house and one thing bother's me slightly about moving is that I would only be able to afford a flat with my share. Unfortunately this could be difficult for me as a music teacher. in that I could have neighbours complaining about the noise. I would also need a garden as I have two tortoises as pets and they originally belonged to my mother and grandmother. Sadly both my brothers think I am selfish when I say I would like something other than a one room flat so I am making them wait a bit longer.

Thankyou for putting up with this again

MaNaAk

 

[Sarasa]

I assume your brothers have nice houses of their own? I'd let them wait as long as you can as they didn't exactly fall over themselves to help you when you needed their help.

 

[MaNaAk]

Thankyou Sarasa. I admit that one of them has a nice house and the other is in a one bedroom flat which belongs to his partner but his business was not affected by caring for his dad and he was happy to go back to after giving me a lift to the hospital and arriving at the same time as dad's ambulance. Both were more interested in dad's money once dad went into the home.

MaNaAk

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Hello Everyone.

Just letting you know that I am still thinking about my brothers's share of the house and one thing bother's me slightly about moving is that I would only be able to afford a flat with my share. Unfortunately this could be difficult for me as a music teacher. in that I could have neighbours complaining about the noise. I would also need a garden as I have two tortoises as pets and they originally belonged to my mother and grandmother. Sadly both my brothers think I am selfish when I say I would like something other than a one room flat so I am making them wait a bit longer.

Thankyou for putting up with this again

MaNaAk

am I missing something ( apart from being a sandwich short of a picnic- as the saying goes!)
why should you have to move? you looked after your Dad, 24/7. Aren’t you entitled to live in your home. When your Dad passes then it’s different.

Don’t be pressured by others greed!
I’m probably way off the mark here —apologies

 

[Bunpoots]

Stay put as long as you can @MaNaAk

Would your brothers consider renting their share to you so you can stay there until you retire? And you take in a lodger? I hate to think of you being put out of your home.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Playing devil's advocate here...rightly or wrongly in terms of your brothers' previous lack of input into your father's care, it may be time for you to make a decision. I seem to remember that your father passed away 4/5 months ago although I understand that this seems only like yesterday. If probate has been received it is probably natural that your brothers want to see a solution to settling the estate and all beneficiaries receiving their share. Much as you have a clear attachment and wish to stay in the house as I gather this has been your only home and you have taught from there, if the only way that the estate affairs can be concluded is by one of you buying another's shares or selling the house then really that is what needs to happen, unless your brothers are amicable to you renting their shares or finding another solution. Being able to have enough funds from your inheritance share to buy a flat, at least gives you security so as far as your music lessons are concerned, could you find/rent another small space or a room in a friend's spacious house, for that purpose?
As harsh and difficult as your brothers have been I don't think it is now unreasonable for them to want matters settled. You cannot change their previous attitude, I had invisibles so I know, but perhaps time to let that angst go because the inevitable conclusion and distribution of the estate needs to happen and as your brothers do not seem willing to prolong things any more, time to sit down and find out what everyone wants, needs and expects each other to do.

 

[jugglingmum]

I understand why you want to stay in the house, but if you want to do this, you need to somehow raise the finance to buy your brothers out.

I know it isn't fair that you did all the caring, and your brother's didn't. The assets left in your fathers estate need to be split three ways, and that is that.

My mum was very upset about family inheritances and it ate her up for years (although with just cause). Please don't let that happen to you.

I have an invisible (who doesn't work and as he is separated isn't responsible for day to day childcare - which I am) who could do more to help me, and it does irk me that if mum dies and all her money hasn't gone on care home fees, then he will get half of what's left for doing nothing. What irks me more is that mum had been intending to write a will to reduce his share due to his behaviour over various matters.

However, as your brother is executor, he is legally obliged to deal with your father's estate and distribute it. I suspect he could start action to evict you, so he can sell it, so you need to be proactive and sort out what you want to do.

Are there rental alternatives, perhaps sound out some of the parents of your pupils - maybe a house share with another musician might work, have a look round and see what there is, and make some plans.

At the moment I think you have your head in the sand, but you will be the loser if you don't try and make the decisions for yourself.

I am very sorry you are in this position, and it isn't what you deserve for the care you gave your dad, but if you don't take action your hand will be forced and you might be worse off.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

 

[Palerider]

I agree with @jugglingmum and @love.dad.but..

I am sole executor of mums Will, and I don't know what is in it until mum passes. I have done everything here, but I will have to oblige as executor to carry out the Will even if that means I am left with nothing.

Its time to move on and take what is yours. Its hard, but you will find a way @MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Thankyou for your replies. Probate hasn't been received yet as we are almost finished with the form and I know I will have to make a decision. Difficult though it is.

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

One thing I should say though is that my friends have agreed to look at a flat with me so that I am not pushed into accepting a flat which is unsuitable.

MaNaAk

 

[Louise7]

I hope you can find somewhere with a small garden so that you can keep your tortoises. My first pet was a tortoise, but sadly Slowcoach 'ran' away - he disappeared under a big shed in the garden when I was about 5 years old and we never saw him again

 

[MaNaAk]

Two of my friends have suggested that I look for a house that was converted into a flat that way I would have some space. That said my mum and nana were always concerned about who would look after the tortoises when they were gone and just before she died my mum said to my brother that she would like my nephew to look after the tortoises so if I struggle to find a suitable flat then my brothers should consider the tortoises. I'm sorry to hear about your tortoise Louise I would be heartbroken if I had to give ours away to anyone outside the family.

MaNaAk

 

[love.dad.but..]

Two of my friends have suggested that I look for a house that was converted into a flat that way I would have some space. That said my mum and nana were always concerned about who would look after the tortoises when they were gone and just before she died my mum said to my brother that she would like my nephew to look after the tortoises so if I struggle to find a suitable flat then my brothers should consider the tortoises. I'm sorry to hear about your tortoise Louise I would be heartbroken if I had to give ours away to anyone outside the family.

MaNaAk

That sounds a good suggestion, perhaps a ground floor garden flat.

 

[MaNaAk]

That sounds a good suggestion, perhaps a ground floor garden flat.

Our council is obsessed with flats and the local residents have nicknamed our area as Flatland-on-Sea. Your idea of me contacting my musical friends is also good. When good piece of advice that my brother gave me when he said I put dad in a home without permission was to think of the worse case scenario and work to avoid it.

I have also read your threads and try to visualise your dad with four walking sticks and glamorous glasses. My dad walked around his home with a walking stick that had 'Barbara' on it.

I can remember dreading the future when dad became ill and dreading having to put him in a home. However I have overcome these hurdles it is better to face the worse case scenario and try to avoid it. Yes! I have probably buried my head in the sand about this latest problem as @jugglingmum says but five months on I feel better.

MaNaAk

PS: If we've had the strength to deal with this disease we have the strength to deal with anything.

 

[Donkeyshere]

Think of it as travelling through a tunnel, you may feel you are right in the middle where its's darkest, but inevitably you will come out the other end where its lighter. I think you are already at the halfway point as you are looking at the flats and considering options so think of it as moving in the right direction.

PS you are only human and I would bet that everyone on TP has, at some point, buried their head in the sand over something.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Donkeyshere,

A year ago Philbo, myself and a few others were making jokes about sand when thinking of care home fees! Anyway the thing my invisibles were talking about selling the house a week after dad's funeral and pressuring me into deadlines. I had to tell a few about what it involves to care for someone with Alzheimers and they were told about some occasions when they should have helped. I kept a low profile and they weren't communicating with each other (except by email) and I found that by using TP and having good friends and neighbours helped to come to terms with dad's death.

MaNaAk

PS: Thankyou all for consistently listening to the same storym

 

[jugglingmum]

Yes! I have probably buried my head in the sand about this latest problem as @jugglingmum says but five months on I feel better.

I don't think I would have said you had buried your head in the sand if it had been a few weeks after your dad died. It does take time to grieve and your brothers were insensitive asking so soon after your dad's funeral.

It is a shame relationships have broken down between all three of you. I remember a very happy childhood playing with and supporting my brother, we got on well in our 20s and early 30s, however we relationships became strained as we entered our 40s and we fell out soon after - due to my brother's behaviour and self centeredness - we are only on speaking terms due to my mum's illness. I look at my kids who have a strong relationship now (age 18 and 14) with each other and wonder if the same will happen to them.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Jugglingmum,

I think your children will probably be fine and they sound lovely. Generally we got on okay when we were younger but the elder of my two brothers (middle child) has always had a short fuse and was always a leader. My youngest brother is calmer but nothing must interfere with his work.

When we were teenagers dad had to return to Malaysia to work leaving our mum (with the help of nana) to look after us. Sadly the elder of my two brothers got in with the wrong crowd and went astray. When we all left school we got on
fairly well eventhough the elder of my two brothers still thought ruled the roost.

My youngest brother ran out of patience with his brother's behaviour and started sending emails which had a negative effect. At this point mum had already passe away and dad was showing signs of dementia. Dad and I were in the middle although I noticed that my other brother had become more approachable but we saw less of him.

My youngest brother was giving us lifts to appointments before advising me to get taxis. He used to keep saying how busy he was and both my brothers told dad what mistakes he made when we were children and because I was living at home I don't know what it's like to struggle..

When dad's first symptoms appeared they thought I was obsessed and I probably became a nuisance. I could go on but it looks to me that when a loved one becomes ill some people shy away.

I found caring difficult and frightening at times but enjoyed taking dad out and he was always so pleased to see me. I bet your mum is proud of you and her wonderful grandchildren.

MaNaAk

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi MaNaAk

"I found caring difficult and frightening at times but enjoyed taking dad out and he was always so pleased to see me. "

I get this - looking after the MIL is not easy when the invisible does not understand or more to the point no longer cares now he knows the money is no longer his but she says to me constantly - I'm sorry you have to do all this for me, I say well unfortunately its me or nothing, she said then I am glad I have you. She has said this since before she was diagnosed and that appreciation is all I need to keep going - even if this disappears or her personality changes I will hold onto that, our invisible did scare me to begin with as I thought he held the all the "cards" but in reality no-one does, dementia does.

Its now 14 months since the invisible saw his mother, he still thinks of her as she was then but a lot has changed, after her fall a few weeks ago he did not send flowers, not even a card. She asked me the other day, I have another son don't I whats his name? Just hold onto the good memories because they will never ever have that.

I know moving will be hard for you, but sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do but that's what life throws at us, all we can do is learn and grow from it.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@MaNaAk i am so sorry, my heartfelt condolences at your loss of a loved one & now the ultimate insult your home.

is it possible to rent the house out & you pay part of the rent ? would your brothers accept that option?
it would financially be better perhaps to rent the family home for a while & do improvements & updates to later get a better price, is that an option that your brothers would consider?