1. TONY GEE

    TONY GEE Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    3
    My mum was formally diagnosed with dementia in 2013 but indications were there (my dad told me in 2013) since 2009/2010. She has AZH and vascular dementia. Her long term memory seems good but her short term is bad now, it makes conversation repetitious but I have got used to that.

    Long term is weakening and experience tells me the symptoms I see are the tip of the iceberg. She has lived near the notting hill carnival for 37 years and the crowds and noise have always been something she tolerates and moans about in the run up. This year she forgot it was happening.

    My Dad is her main carer, before her diagnosis he was complaining about his memory loss, but for last few years won't discuss it.

    Generally he seems competent but refuses to discuss anything. Physically they both have a number of challenges but they cope. I have resigned myself to the fact that one day they won't remain independent but till then I try not to dwell on how hard accepting help will be for them.

    I will be seeing them tomorrow and hope they are ok. They are struggling to keep house clean but dad refuses any offers of help and won't come and stay with us for a holiday.

    Last time I was there mum got tearful because she can't keep the house clean and toilet smells. I offered to help organise a cleaner (say once a month) which she wants but when she discussed with dad he got angry and started shouting.

    The shouting is very out of character for him. I think it's stress plus he may have emerging AZH. When I talk to my sister she says they seem happy but I think she is ignoring the reality.

    I do my best to stick to chit chat as they can't cope emotionally except by living in today only. Not noticing the king has no clothes on seems best policy for now but makes me very sad and I no longer feel close to them as I have to pretend all the time.

    I would love to give my Dad more support but he is isolating them from the world more all the time. In his mind he is protecting mum. Any suggestions???
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,773
    Female
    South coast
    OK for now is probably as good as it gets with dementia....
    Personally, I think that you are handling it the right way, not in denial, but also not trying to force the issue. I know that you understand that there will probably come a time when you will have to over-rule them both (especially your dad), but for now it is working and I think thats probably all you can do for now.

    You may like to start researching CH that would be able to take them both - just in case.
     
  3. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    I found this particular stage the most difficult. The deterioration but not yet serious enough to demand action. It felt like treading water and you know how exhausting that can be.

    I kept waiting for the crisis which would demand action but the crisis never came. The deterioration just got worse and worse and with it her denial. My brother refused to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and kept saying "she's alright - just a bit forgetful".

    I felt like nobody understood and I was the lone voice in the wilderness. Even after she was assessed as needing high care my brother fought me to prevent the move to the CH. I had to push bravely on with no support. It was hideous.

    But eventually (after I threatened to cut my brother out of my life if he didn't back me up) he did support the move after a fashion. I had to tell her of course and deal with the tantrums and all the paper work and physical stuff necessary to get her there. Even now she's there in her 5 star home asking to leave he tells her to ask me about it.

    AAARRRGGHHHH!! :confused:
     

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