Still not coping after 6 months

[Scouts girl]

i am still finding it so hard to cope with the overwhelming guilt I feel with having to place my lovely 90 year old mum in a care home 6 months ago. She has been diagnosed with vascular/mixed dementia and her mental state is deteriorating quickly. I just feel so helpless and guilty that I could not care for her any more in her own home and had to seek help as I knew she was unsafe to be left 24 hours a day and needed the professional care that I was unable to give her.

She is in a nice, comfortable, private small care home which specialises in dementia care and although it is not '5star' and a little rough around the edges, I cannot fault the care she is receiving. She is clean, eating reasonably well, has her own room with a small ensuite but she is just so unhappy and unsettled and just cries and begs me, not so much now to take her home, but to move elsewhere as she hates it where she is. I think it is more the illness that she hates rather than where she is and maybe in her mind thinks that moving elsewhere will make her better. Her condition as I mentioned earlier is deteriorating and we cannot now have a normal conversation and the whole time I visit is just her saying how unhappy she is and everything is my fault etc., etc. the carers and management at the home are a great support to me and are always there for a chat and cup of tea when they see me upset.

My health is suffering with all the stress and my husband, who has been marvellous through all the upset, is worried about me and I feel my focus has been so absorbed with mum that I feel I should now try and think of my health and that of my relationship with my husband. We are both retired and nearly 70 and not to sound selfish but have our lives to live.

I feel my life is just taken up with worrying about mum all the time. I was visiting her every day but felt that for both our sakes I must step back and let the carers look after her and perhaps only visit every other day. I just don't know, when I have a day off I worry how she is and whenI do visit I come away feeling so drained and exhausted.
I suppose I just have to come to terms in some way in accepting that I did the right thing in getting the help mum needed and know that she is safe and cared for now. I don't think moving her would be in her best interest now and would probably just add to her confusion and as I have been advised many times, would she be happy anywhere?? Thank you for listening but I do find that putting things down on paper does help. I belong to a couple of carers groups and the support from them is amazing also from friends and family. I just hope that one day mum will forgive me and somehow know that what I did was for all the best reasons and that I love her so much and I will one day walk in the care home and see her smile again.

 

[Princess t]

I know exactly how you feel. My mom has been in her care home since first week in Feb. She just went to have a look and never went back home. She doesn't ask to go home ,but says she wants to go far far away, I think this means she wants to die. The last few visits have been very tearful. She is forgetting most things. She thinks the ch is hers and everything in it is hers. I have started visiting now just once a week. But I really think that isn't enough. She does have other visitors. Most times she won't listen or interact with us. Just moans about the other residents. I feel guilty, she's 93 and made me promis I would never put her in a home, I didn't social worker did! She was living Alone before and falling over, not eating right and smoking and drinking too much. So I do know she is in a better place. But it doesn't stop the guilt. Hoping for you and me it starts to feel better one day!! Ps carers tell me mom is great when family are not around, interacts and is generally happy. Ask the carers at you moms how she is when you are not around. X

 

[father ted]

Scouts girl, sorry to hear that you are still worrying about your Mum 6 months after she went into a home but I think that is probably quite normal. Most people I know who have a person 'in care' are always connected and 'keep their finger on the pulse' as they feel guilty they are not doing it and to make sure that those who are charged with it are doing it properly.

The honest truth as a very wise person on here said to someone else is you didn't put your Mum in care- dementia did and you took steps to ensure she wasn't in a dangerous or vulnerable position in her own home. You mention you and your husband are approaching 70 and so you have obviously given some thought to the fact that you have had more before you than is ahead of you (I think this frequently) and should not feel guilty for wanting to enjoy a few pleasures while you can. The thing is that you have found a good home and truth is your Mum would probably not be happy anywhere now because of her physical and mental condition and not her surroundings. Take care

 

[Marcelle123]

I think you did the right thing and that it wouldn't help to move your mother, but I do understand how hard it must be and how you feel torn in two. How does your mother react when you are not there?

Very best wishes. You & your husband deserve some life together too. xx

 

[Shedrech]

hi Scouts Girl
as with any change it takes time to work out a new routine, one that suits not just the circumstances but also our feelings about the new situation
dad's been in his home just over 2 years now and I visit 3/4 times a week - here's the thing, though, if I need to NOT visit I stay away, and I have had some breaks away - dad is looked after and the staff will contact me if it's necessary - plus, dad doesn't seem to realise I haven't been for a couple of days; so I was much more unsettled before than he was!!
you have confidence in how your mum is cared for so definitely cut down the number of visits
as for this:

I just hope that one day mum will forgive me

I appreciate how you feel - just have a conversation in your head with your mum of old - surely she would say that there's nothing to forgive; you love her, have done your very best for her and always will
after my mum died, I think my dad thought that he would end his days with me; it just wasn't possible - once in a while when I'm saying goodnight he tells me to be careful and says thank you; somewhere deep down, somehow he understands: I'll take comfort from that
best wishes

 

[Scouts girl]

Thank you for your kind replies and support through this difficult time. I have spoken to the staff at the care home and they do say most of the time mum is ok but can have times of anxiety and distress. There is a good timetable of activities there but mum takes a bit of persuading to join in but I know they do try to involve her. I think she has reached the stage where she is lacking interest in most things now and as much as I and the staff try to interact with her, at times she just has no interest.

I made her a lovely memory book of old photos of her life and family and she will sit and look through that at times and still knows who all the family are. I feel too that she is so lucky to have all her family so close by and we are able to visit her regularly as so many of the other residents have no visitors which is so sad. She says that she feels so left out of our family life now which is heartbreaking as we all had a close bond with her and I can understand that she must be feeling this has broken down somewhat even though we are all there still for her but in a different way. I think that the relatives suffer more than our loved ones with dementia knowing that we can only do what we can although wish in our hearts that we could do so much more and not feel this overwhelming guilt. No one would wish this awful illness on anyone but we just have to try and cope as best we can I suppose and try and convince ourselves that we have done what we can through our love. I just have to convince myself now.

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Scouts girl

I am sorry you are finding things so hard, but I don't for a second think you are being selfish and I am sure that your mum has nothing to forgive you for, rather she would be proud that you have been able to make such difficult decisions. I try and imagine the conversation I will have with my children about my future wishes should I be in a similar position (both my mum and dad with dementia now in CH) and I know for certain I would not want them to feel guilty. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still hard, and I know that my visits can be unsettling (asking to leave etc), though I know my folks are generally content (as much a PWD can be) otherwise. I also try to consider what the alternative is, and the options are so limited (actually non existent except in my head!!), that this reinforces being in a CH as the right decision. You are right, you do have a life to lead, and you musn't feel guilty about wanting to live it, and if you are well and strong, you will be all the better for visiting your Mum. I hope you are able to find the right balance. Take care and keep us posted. Georgina X