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Still lost!

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
Sort of know that, but at times I question my thoughts on everything concerning my mum if you know what I mean?
I would say the same for you, as Easter isn't a good time for you either.
I have been in bed most of the day with a dam headache, watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban as I'm a huge fan.
 

ald64

Registered User
Aug 4, 2012
14
Suffolk
Sort of know that, but at times I question my thoughts on everything concerning my mum if you know what I mean?
I would say the same for you, as Easter isn't a good time for you either.
I have been in bed most of the day with a dam headache, watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban as I'm a huge fan.
My father died 1st february and the grief didnt appear until after the funeral.I had looked after him in the same bungalow as myself.I was on the verge of giving my job up to care for him but he became aggressive and had to go into hospital and died after a head injury through a fall.I am finding that i am not busy enough at work as it has moved premises and is seeing less customers in my section.I think keeping busy was my way of coping when my mum died .I think if things were different at work i might be feeling better than i am.But like others on here i was rushed off my feet with my father and now this complete change.Long term i might get a dog or cat
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
I am sorry for your loss but as you can see from reading our posts you are certainly not alone.

It is such a drastic change to your life and it is so difficult to adjust, it may well be all over regards the dementia and the passing of a loved one, but for us it is not "all over". We are left not only to recover from a bereavement but as I said to Carabosse, dementia leaves its scars on us.

I see you might like to get a cat or a dog, I think that at some point in the future that may well be a good idea. I don't know if you have a preference for a dog or a cat, I am a cat person and could not live without one. Which pet you choose depends very much on your circumstances and where you live but I can highly recommend pet ownership, they love you unconditionally and will hopefully give you many years of happiness

Please be assured, in time life and things in general will get better but it does take time..

Take care of yourself

Lexy
 
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lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

Hope your headache has gone, good idea to stay in bed and watch your favourites. I had plans to do all sorts, sorting out clothes and stuff for RSPCA to collect, but I have done exactly nothing!

I don't like Easter because it does not have happy memories for me and I just want it to be over.

Look after yourself

Lexy
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
Lexi and Carabosse, thanks you so much for both your warm welcomes

It does help to find folk in the same position, although I wouldn't wish this lost feeling on anyone, but am sure you both know what I mean xx
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
My grief started as soon as I got to the hospital and as soon as I got to mums room it was a case of the nurse sat me down and said she has just gone, I sat down and then it just hit me mum has gone, I wasn't there the shopping I started could have waited, what if she had opened her eyes and wondered where I was, what would her thoughts have been if she couldn't see me, questions like that I will never know the answer to but will always be wondering, oh great now I've started myself off with the waterworks again!
I have had more support here than my so called invisible, useless, insensitive (shall I go on) relatives. I did say to the hospital they could have some of mums pj's but I doubt I will give them any we shall see, I might just get one of those plastic boxes and neatly fold all of mums clothes and put them in there.
The cat that I was on about in the Tea Room (put a picture in) keeps dropping round, probably because it knows it can be fed salmon here, for that reason I doubt i'll get an animal until this cat passes away as I doubt it would get on with a new one as its very nervous cat.
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
hi, hope you don't mind me joining in your conversation. my mum passed away in november last year and I find easter difficult to, remember a couple of years ago when I was at her flat, I left a couple of easter eggs for the grandkids in her cupboard only to find when they came round for them she had taken a bite out of one of the eggs and then wrapped it up and put it back in the box, luckily the shops wasn't too far so I could replace it.
 

Merrymaid

Registered User
Feb 21, 2014
304
So many of the things you are talking about resonate with how I felt after my Dad passed in 1998. He did not die of Alzheimers but a combination of physical problems that sapped his strength over a period of years. His passing though was still a surprise and I miss him terribly to this day. I am now full time carer for my Mum who was diagnosed 2010 with vascular dementia/Alzeimers.

Thoughts of 'why him?', 'what do I do now?', 'why bother?' all surfaced in the weeks/months following Dad's death. I could find no joy in anything not even my lovely daughter, my Mum, hobbies all were just endless chores that had to be endured. However going through the motions was precisely what I had to do until with time hints of meaning started to show through. Laughter, real hearty belly ache laughter, was a long time coming but it came. Waking up in the morning & not having my first emotion as dull sadness took time. I had many things to fill the void, my family needed me to function, my job, my animals. I understand you have no immediate family depending on you but would suggest perhaps you could consider some volunteer work. Just a few hours a week to start off with, you will have many skills that could help in many scenario's & give you the chance to meet new people. These folk may well be new to you and will want to know about you the marvellous wonderful individual that your parents made, and who they would be proud to see living a full life even while missing them both terribly. I still miss Dad and have little inner chats with him especially when Mum's having a bad day, but also when something good happens like just finding out I will be a Grandma. But I am so glad I knew him and all he has taught me about life and living goes into my putting one foot in front of the other every day! Reach out where you can, you will still have room to grieve, but this next chapter is about you, walk forward into your future taking all your lovely memories with you. Good luck! Mx
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Krissymc

I am sorry for the loss of your mum, it does get better but takes a long time. I actually started to grieve for my mum before she died because her dementia was slowly but surely taking little parts of her everyday. I was very close to her and found I could not "connect" with her in the same way.

I will never stop missing her but you learn to live with the way you feel.

Lexy
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

You're being hard on yourself again, your mum knew that you loved her and that is what matters most.

I will have a look at the cat, is he/she a stray anyway if you are feeding puss salmon you have definitely made a good friend!

Try not to punish yourself, you haven't done anything wrong.

Lexy
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
thank you lexy
I know it will take time to get over my mum, I have good days and rather a lot of bad days, just lately I have been getting signs that she is still with me in spirit, I found the other day that one of the drawers on my jewellery box was open and when I tried to close it something was stuck behind it, it turned out that it was the necklace which I had bought for my mum for her birthday last year so I took this has a sigh that she wanted me to wear it.
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
I don't mind you joining in the discussion krissymc or Merrymaid, the more the merrier (no pun intended).
The cat isn't a stray it lives a few doors up from me but is part of a large family of cats, 14 I think she has. Yes I did say 14, I tried feeding it one of those chicken pouch things but it didn't like it, but it does like the salmon and tuna ones.
I was thinking of starting making jewellery again, but like most things I just can't be bothered. As for doing some volunteering I can't at the moment as my back is still being sorted by the physio. or should I say trying to be sorted.
Yes, I know I'm being hard on myself, I just can't help it, as I said the more I think the more I question myself and events that have happened and its usually the negative stuff that comes to the front.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
I should wear the necklace, hopefully it may make you feel closer to your mum. I always think my mum is close, I felt like this at her funeral, I did not think my mum was in the coffin, I knew and felt that she was standing beside me with her arm around me like she always was when I was unhappy and sad, she had been there for me all my life, I was very lucky to have had a mum like her, I expect you may feel the same.

I found grief sort of comes in waves, you think your'e doing okay and then it seems to come back again, but it does get less intense.

As I said to Carabosse you just need to take each day as it comes. Do you have other family to support you?

Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
No I don't, the 2 brothers mum had are invisibles, they never came near her in life only appearing to show face at the funeral, so don't want anything to do with them.
I'm not sure if I felt mum was with me at the funeral like you, to be honest I'm not sure what I was feeling other than utter devastation and loss, as for seeing mum in her coffin still do as does mums 88 year old friend.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Your mum's family sound a bit like mine, my mum's sister, who my mum always said was a bit strange never bothered to phone me after the funeral or make any contact with me atall, in situations like these people tend to show their true colours.

""Actions speak louder than words".

Hope your able to get some physio for your back, oh and don't forget to feed the little cat!

Look after yourself

Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
Yes you can chose your friends, not your family how true those words ring.
A friends mum passed yesterday I got the email this morning, she said her mum came back before she passed for a few moments as if to say she was going. That has me thinking again on what I mentioned the other morning, did mum open her eyes before she passed, did she look for me because she knew she was going and wanted to see me as if to say I have to go, what must she have felt if she did open her eyes and I wasn't there (which I wasn't I got there a few seconds too late)would she have felt let down... I know I shouldn't be thinking along those lines (tears in eyes) but when something happens it makes you think, I will never know the answer, yes I could ask the auxiliary nurse who was supposedly there with my mum but she could lie, as I said I would never know the truth.
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
Carabaos see, I'm sorry you're having these feelings, but I think they are part of the grieving process. You sound like you did everything you could for your mum, like me, but you just couldn't be there when she passed. My mum died alone in her flat too, I was supposed to visit that day, it was my day off and I always went out to see her then, but for some reason I had a really bad cold come on that morning and didn't go....so she died alone. But since mum passed, I find myself believing more and more in the spiritual side of things and I believe I got a cold that day as mum didn't want to die in front of me, she knew how much that would upset me. Maybe there was a reason you weren't with your mum either? Don't forget, even with illness and everything that happened, at the end of the day they are still our mums and they might have wanted to protect us from that.
I don't know, it's just my mind dealing with all this.
But I would say, your mum will be grateful for everything you did for her, have no doubt of that x
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Grouse

I think that is a very good way to look at the situation, maybe your mum's did not want you to see them passing, have you thought of that Carabosse? I think about the spiritual side of things aswell because sometimes I can "feel" my mum's presence very strongly, I don't know if it means anything or not.

I had a similar situation with my elderly cat, now don't laugh because I know its not quite the same thing but I loved him so much, I never left him for long because he was not well but one day I came home and he was just lying on the floor, he used to have seizures and this day he could not get up, I took him straight to the vet but there was no hope for him. I have asked myself a thousand times, how long was he lying there? why did this have to happen when I was out, there are some things we will just never know the answer too.

Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
A couple of people have said that maybe mum passed when I wasn't there to protect me or save me from seeing her go which is probably true, but at the moment it doesn't help I just can't get past the fact I wasn't there for her during her last moments.
I would have moved Heaven and Earth for mum and I'm sure she knew I would, its just so difficult being on my own (minus you guys) and adapting to doing things for one.
I didn't laugh about your cat lexy, I think it was very sweet, it just shows you loved your cat and that you have a caring nature for all forms of life.
 

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