1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. NZ2015#

    NZ2015# Registered User

    Jun 9, 2015
    11
    Dear Carabosse,
    So sorry to hear about your mum.
    My mum passed away May 23rd. I haven't cried too much today. Yesterday I was numb and felt like I was in a bubble, then became terribly depressed in the evening; the day before I cried all all day and felt positively ill.
    I can be driving the car, on the train or in a shop and the grief just comes. It's overwhelming, unstoppable, absolutely awful.
    My mum was in a care home for the last year. I saw her regularly, a bit less this year as the nurse at the care home suggested that after my visits mum was upset and agitated and took it out on staff. I can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking she is still there.
    I can understand what you are going through. Nothing really brings me any comfort at the moment - both the good and bad memories are too much to bear.
    My dad died of cancer 23 years ago. It took me many years to be able to deal with that - we had mum to look after so that helped.
    Now they are both gone it is very hard - it is like I have just lost them both.
    I know what you mean when you say you just want her back - it's like someone has reached inside my chest and ripped something out (is that what they mean by "heart ache"?) - I just want to be able to give my mum a cuddle....



    QUOTE=Carabosse;892191]Today is exactly one month since my mum passed, where has all that time gone, for me it is still like it happened yesterday time has (as I mentioned in my blog) stood still and I suppose it always will?
    Like mums 88yr old friend I still have the picture in my mind of mum in her coffin except I also picture her underground, thinking will she be ok, hope she won't be too cold especially since I forgot to give the FD shoes for her feet, the worst one stems more from mums fear of being buried alive, I tell myself she wasn't but the thought creeps in now and again. I did joke once or twice with mum long before she had the Alzheimer's that I would give her a bell just in case, would it have helped if I did would it have put my mind at rest, I doubt it.
    I saw my Dr yesterday (cue floodgates opening, again), told him I wasn't coping and how I was still thinking of 'joining mum', he has been a great help and somehow manages to find the right words to make things seem easier whilst I'm there. I told him that I wish I could have done more to help mum, he told me that I had done more than what some daughters would have done, I was there for her 24/ 7 looking out for her and making sure she was ok and apart from finishing my degree (which I got, not brilliant, but I go it) mum was my world and that because we were so close it will take longer to comes to terms with mums passing.
    I'm still crying at the least little thing (especially at night, but it can happen anytime), I did a shop at Tesco's yesterday for myself and mums friend, 3 times the floodgates opened (once in the town, twice in shop) as people asked me how I was and when I said I wasn't too good of course they asked why, cue tears during explanation. I didn't have to explain but they were people that had met mum when we did our shopping there together, so rather than have them ask at a later stage where mum was, it was easier (not really) to tell them what had happened.
    As my Dr put it, if you can see a tomorrow it will help, which at the moment I can't. I often wonder if mum and I weren't as close as we were would it have made any difference to the way I feel, would I see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel? As I mentioned in my blog I'm not a religious person, I would like to think there is a god but as with all people with science background we need proof on things, I'm not saying the second coming would alleviate any thoughts of is there, isn't there, but it would go a long way to helping or just a little sign that there is something there and that I will see mum (and dad) again once I pass, otherwise what was the point of life, we're born, we live, we die, that's it?
    Sorry for the long (ish) post I just thought I should share my thoughts as I'm sure I am not the only one thinking along the lines I am doing, the what if's, should I have done this, should I have done that, why did this happen or that. To be honest I just want my mum back, simples![/QUOTE]
     
  2. molly11

    molly11 Registered User

    Jan 24, 2011
    75
    Lancashire
    Hi all
    How are you feeling about Father's Day tomorrow? I know, for many of you, you lost your fathers a long time ago. But it must bring back memories .
    I'm dreading tomorrow. It's the 2nd without my dad.
    My kids' dad has flown off to the carribean to get married! When he gets back, my children will have a stepmum and two step brothers. They aren't at all pleased by that!
    Thinking of you all xxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    Sorry not replied sooner, laptop has been in workshop for past week so no internet, how I ever managed before I will never know!

    I miss not being able to buy cards or gifts for my dad, its the same when mother's day comes round or any holiday or birthday.

    Hello NZ2015#, I still cry I just don't seem to be able to help it. I saw a psychiatrist the other day, I am not losing it (which is what I asked at the end of the appointment), it is normal what I am going through and will just take more time, especially since we were together all of our lives. More counselling has been suggested but exactly what kind I don't know?

    I was going through some old mail to throw out when I came across two Christmas cards that mum had bought for me, but alas they are still in their wrappers. Also there was a gift which said 'Daughters are just little girls who grow up to be your best friend', that set me off crying. I wish she could know how much it means to me, I just can't stop thinking about it.
     
  4. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    No-Body has posted on this great thread for a while, so this is a quick post to see how you all are.

    8 months for me since losing my darling Mum, I miss her so so much and every day is a struggle.

    Now approaching a year when Mum broke her hip, which led to me Losing her in the November.
     
  5. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    19
    Hi Carabousse
    Well it is 11 months since mum died, or as I now choose to view it, her spirit moved on! To be honest I can say that I have been in a painful fog for the last year but all of a sudden feel like I have reached an acceptance that she has left. I still have her ashes and today popped a scented rose in the top, one that she bought for my garden.
    I feel for you carabousse. I identify with much of what you say, have, over the last months felt that I would like to go to sleep and not wake up, even with a husband and grown up kids the loneliness after losing mum felt unbearable. Take heart that the waves of grief do lessen in intensity, days do feel a bit more worthwhile. I have written letters to mum, that helps. Also just getting out, sitting in the sun, people watching, makinf myself get out just for a short while has helped, plus lots and lots of sleep. Take care xx
     
  6. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    Where I live there isn't much to do, and I am really not up to mixing with people I don't know. Its bad enough when people still ask me how mum is thinking she is still in the hospital, so it is better to not put myself in that situation to begin with.
    As for getting out into the sun, that usually ends with heat stroke, I don't like the sun that much (small doses).
    Due to my back etc getting lots of sleep is difficult, with the real dreams still occurring sleep is problematic.

    I am seeing the psychiatrist again, think its just a follow up appointment to see if anything has improved/ changed since the first appointment, it hasn't.
     
  7. molly11

    molly11 Registered User

    Jan 24, 2011
    75
    Lancashire
    Hello everyone. I'm so sorry I haven't posted for awhile. Please be assured that you have been in my thoughts.
    Ok, I'll be honest, I've met someone and he's amazing but I thought it innapropriate to say on here
    . I am still missing my father, that would be an understatement. I cried today like I cry everyday for him. He would like the boyf and pretty sure they'd get on but I still miss and wish my Daddy was here. I got a tattoo in remembrance. My mum was horrified lol she hates tattoos! It was my first one and I love it! Will try to upload a photo.
    Much love as ever XX


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  8. Effy

    Effy Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015
    11
    Northern Ireland
    Carabosse,
    I'm just replying to see that you are ok. You sound so low and I want you to know there are people out there who are thinking about you and who care.
     
  9. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    I'm still here and still feeling the same despite the number of pills I seem to be swallowing, I just don't feel any different.

    molly11 that's great you have found someone, I had thought about a tattoo, but then I'm such a wimp as far as pain goes, also would the person do it right?

    Thanks Effy, appreciate that.
     
  10. elizabet

    elizabet Registered User

    Mar 26, 2013
    224
    Southampton
    Logging on to see how you are

    Hi Carabosse,
    Have been away enjoying sun and sea air in Dorset and have not logged on for many days. Notice there has not been much activity on the thread still lost and wonder if you have seen your doctor etc yet and if the medication is helping.

    Is the cat still visiting?

    My late mum's birthday is in early Sept . Last year I bought a lovely pink orchid in remembrance of her. it is really beautiful and has produced many flowers again this year, making me smile as I remember my Mum. I will never forget my Mum.
     
  11. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    No this thread seems to be going quiet these days.
    I have a new Dr he is ok, but he isn't the same as the old one. I have a new tablet added to what I take already but I don't see any difference, so I couldn't say if it was 'working' or not?

    Yes the cat is still visiting, as soon as it hears my bedroom window opening in the morning or me taking the latch off the door it starts meowing wanting in. Its also back to climbing on the arm of the chair ready for me to sit down and give it a treat or two, it certainly knows how to get me to give it what it wants!

    That's really nice way to remember your mum with a flower, I planted some chrysanthemums as they were mums favourite but as yet they haven't flowered, I only got them earlier in the year so will see what happens.
    I must admit that I now understand what mum saw in doing the garden, as when I was on my knees trying to get weeds out I thought it was therapeutic (even though it was making my back worse), and it dawned on me the pleasure mum got from gardening.
     
  12. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    The title of this thread is so true for me tonight. I can't sleep and here I am at 3.30 am drinking tea and thinking all sorts of things. My mind is all over the place.
    Yes the thread has gone a little quiet, a few who posted on here haven't for a long time. It would be good to hear from everyone who posted on this thread with an update on how they all are.
     
  13. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    11,282
    Female
    near Folkestone
    Good morning Sasky, I know what you mean as I am also awake sipping my coffee doing that thinking what goes round and round in your head . I have not posted here before, so I hope you don't mind ? Xxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  14. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    Hello chick1962
    Welcome to this thread which was started by Carabosse. I have found this particular thread really helpful for me because of the similarities between myself and others who post / have posted here. The title Still Lost rings so very true for me as that is exactly how I feel. Being awake early hours of the morning is terrible as you can't help thinking and the time drags by.

    Keep posting chick1962
     
  15. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi again everyone

    It's me again, I am having a really bad day today, melt down, one of those days when I can't believe my Mum is no longer here and I will never see her again. So feel at breaking point today I miss her so very much
     
  16. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    You are not alone, I know exactly what you are feeling. Its difficult to adjust to being without a person when they have been your whole life, you just can't adjust overnight I know I can't. It doesn't seem to matter how many pills I'm taking or who I see Dr wise, I am having problems knowing mum is gone and I won't be able to hear her laugh, talk to her again, or do other things together, only in my dreams can I do that and whilst I am grateful for that, I would prefer to be able to do it in real life.
     
  17. count2ten

    count2ten Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    186
    Hi Sasky, Caraboose, everyone else on this thread, how are you all doing today? I can relate so much to what everyone is saying here, Lost my mum just a month ago but seems like it was only yesterday , and I am utterly lost - told someone I feel like an orphan and they looked at me like I was mad! but that's exactly how it feels, apart from the huge hole that's left after spending so much of your life caring for them, then they just go and then what? The tears just well up up from nowhere, I am supposed to be starting back at work soon but Im so tired , can't be bothered with anything at the moment. I'm eating too much bad stuff, chips, chocolate, wine, so weight is creeping up again, on top of the 2 stone I already put on in the last couple of years - I know loads of peeps on this site can relate to that. Immediately after her death it was very busy and had loads to do, and now just this empty feeling, everyone saying I can get on with my life now but I don't know what my life is supposed to be like without her, she was always there, always very needy, fearful of being abandoned , could never show her true feelings, but now that I can stand back a bit from the demands of these last few years I realise how much she did love us and what we all meant to her. Oh hindsight, go away and bother someone else!

    I keep finding old cards and letters, right back to the war years and before, and I'm discovering my mother had so many good friends back then , before she met my father who was so jealous , she hardly left the house for years and he would get himself in a right drunken state if she did. I spent a lot of my childhood watching her cry and just wanted to rescue her, but she was very dependent on him and when he died 30 years ago she transferred all that onto me. It caused a lot of tension at times and when she was diagnosed 5 years ago I felt like a door slammed shut, but then she seemed to relax into her dementia ... I've read this elsewhere on TP .. and she forgot a lot of her old fears and phobias and it seemed to release her from the past - I learnt to be more patient and less resentful and for a short time we had a better relationship than we'd ever had before the dementia took her away.

    This site is so therapeutic, when I started writing this thread earlier I couldn't see the computer screen through all the tears .. now I am feeling a bit lighter having got it all out and that no one is going to judge or question me or try to make me "get over it". Big big hugs to us all , let's hope the sun shines at some stage today.
     
  18. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    Oh count2ten how I can relate 100% to how you are feeling. This thread is great for people like us, we are not alone others feel what we feel and we all UNDERSTAND what each of us are going through. It is so so hard every day is a struggle, all we want is to have our Mum's back.
    Next week it will be 10 months since I lost my darling Mum who was also my very best friend. I don't know how I get through each day, but knowing others on this thread who feel exactly the same does help at times.
    Today I watched a video recording of my Mum from Christmas 2008, I sobbed seeing her and hearing her voice and all I wanted to do was to put my arms around her to give her a kiss and cuddle and to hear her telling me how much she loves me. Oh how I miss her love sooooo much.
    Carabosse posts reflect my feelings and longings so very much.
    Count2ten keep posting we are here for you and feel your suffering
     
  19. Carabosse

    Carabosse Registered User

    Jan 10, 2013
    1,693
    Hello count2ten, sorry to hear about your mum.
    I know what you mean about eating the wrong foods, the chocolate, wine, etc, it makes you feel better at the time you just don't think about the weight issue, well not until after you have finished eating!

    I still have a heap of letters, cards to go through, I have a box sitting in front of the fire place but as yet I haven't touched it. The more I go through things the more I think I am removing mum from the world of the living to the world of the deceased, I know that probably sounds strange but its how I feel.

    I wish I had some movies of mum, but alas I don't. I have some photos (we weren't a great photo taking family), some of them are hard to look at, especially the ones of her in respite with the look of 'don't leave me here' on her face. When I look at them I think did I do the right thing leaving her there even for a few days, sometimes I wish I hadn't.

    Today I started a new medication, so will see if that helps.
     
  20. Sasky

    Sasky Registered User

    Jan 29, 2014
    103
    Ashford, Kent
    Hope everyone is ok. I am feeling really down today it was a year ago that my Mum came home after spending 5 weeks in hospital then 4 weeks in a care home while we completed the work to a new bathroom for mum, which she was never able to use. It hurts so much that my darling Mum was only home for 7 weeks and then I lost her forever, I miss her so much
     

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