Still lost!

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
That's a shame about the cat. You must miss her. Would you consider getting a rescue cat in the future? Do you have good days now in any way at all, Carabosse? Or just some not as bad? It's so tough.
Mum and I were talking that everything seems to be an effort. Everything necessary is taken care of but that's about it.
We feel a bit like we know there are things we enjoyed or found funny, like a comedy for instance, on telly but can't muster up the laugh. Do you know what I mean?
My cruse sessions have finished too and the counsellor did suggest that I need further counselling, as yours has. I havnt done anything about it yet. Will you?
Thinking of you all
Xx


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lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
0
Hello Carabosse

Glad the cat has come home, maybe she will start to visit you again at some point although she will probably be a bit wary for a while.

I still have not given the few clothes of my mum's that I have, away. I doubt if I will do anything about them for sometime yet, if ever. They have memories that I don't want to let go of.

On the 5th I will have been without my mum for five years. I don't like the Spring, it is when everything is coming to life but my dear mum was fading away. I read a very reassuring article in The Guardian by a women called Eleni Kyriacou who had lost both her parents. She had been without her mum for several years, talking about her mother's death she said she felt "anchorless" and that something inside her had "shifted", I could relate so well to these words. She said that grief is a lifelong journey that never really ends. My grief is not my constant companion but when it comes knocking at my door (and it still does) I will always let it in, I never push my grief away.

I expect you are still stuck in the tunnel, I hope you can be strong when you feel able but never be afraid to fall apart when you need to. I was never really on the long bumpy and painful road on my own, my mum was with me every step of the way and your mum is there with you aswell.

I now try and see my mum's death as the last beautiful moment of her life because she had finally found peace.

Take care



Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
The cat appeared on the windowsill yesterday, had to do a double take just to make sure it was her, I opened the door and in she came. She seems a bit quieter than normal, but no doubt she will be back to her normal self soon I hope.
I think I will get an animal of my own at some point but for now I think i'll be ok with this cat, don't think she would appreciate another cat being around.

No I am not having any good days, still going over things and the dreams are still real so a lot of times its confusing as I think mum is still here.
I will see the Dr about continuing counselling as I feel I will still need help.

I can relate to that article as well, its like something is missing and I can imagine its a lifelong experience. I never push my grief away either I just let it take hold, seems to happen on a daily basis and at any hour of the day or night.
Yes I'm still in my tunnel, I would like to think mum is there with me but allowing me to go through it on my own, even though I know if she could she would try and make everything better for me.
A lot of things about mum passing still get to me, like why didn't I hold her, why didn't I tell her I loved her, you know things like that plus many others as well.
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hello everyone,
Carabosse, I do understand about your tunnel.
I feel that too. I miss my dad so much that it physically hurts.
I have my mum. (I feel bad saying that because I know how much you hurt)
I feel strangely towards mum, like I can't get close to her now, because I can't do it again. I've always been close to my mum.
Xx


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Sasky

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
103
0
Ashford, Kent
Hello, I haven't posted on TP for quite a while now but do look at it every day. It's 5 months now since I lost my darling Mum and it seems to be getting harder and harder being without her. My Mum was my whole life and in the 18 months before she died I was her carer. All I ever wanted was to make my Mum happy and keep her safe especially as she had such a rotten childhood and a hard time in one way or another throughout her life. My Mum made sure that myself and my brother and sister never went without when we were children, she went without herself to ensure we had a very happy childhood, which we did. She had numerous health problems over the years and always overcame them, then Dementia struck her down, which she could not fight and last year she had a fall and broke her hip and then 4 months later she died. I am so lost without her.

Every day I wish for my Mum to come back, I sit in her bedroom amongst all her things and cry uncontrollably. I miss her so very much.

Carabosse, Lexy and Molly11 the things you write seem to mirror my feelings, which in some ways does comfort me knowing that others feel the same. My life will never, ever be the same again without my Darling Mum and I just want her back. I haven't as yet done anything about seeing my GP as he can't give me what I want most !!! But I suppose I need to do something to help me

Thanks for reading my post

Cathy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
I now have a new Dr as the one I had semi retired from GP, I have had my first appointment with him and whilst he was ok it wasn't the same as with the other one. Time will probably be what's needed, as long as he can help me through this things should be ok.

My mum was part of my life 24/7, 365 days a year for all of my life, the longest we have been apart was for a couple of days, even when she went to respite I went to visit her as the thought of her being in a place where she didn't want to be made me feel guilty, still does.

At the moment I feel like I am stuck and sometimes moving backwards within this tunnel of mine, some days are worse than others. At night I sometimes feel scared to go to sleep as the dreams are still so real, even the nightmares make me get up so I can get rid of them. I am an emotional wreck some days, if some people saw me they would be wondering what was wrong, the least little thing can set me off.

Sasky, I know what you mean about the Dr not being able to give you the thing you want the most, I did mention to my last Dr the fact that if he gave me my mum (and dad) back I would be fine, but I know he couldn't but there is no harm in asking, the same when I do my little prayer at night asking for mum and dad back, it won't happen (unless its a miracle, but who am I kidding).

I am trying to do things and keep myself occupied but it is easier said than done, there are days when I feel the best solution would be to end it but then I keep thinking what mum and dad would think, so nothing happens, but I worry some day that the urge to do something might be more than I can handle. I will mention this to my new Dr next time I see him.
 

Sasky

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
103
0
Ashford, Kent
Oh carabosse I can feel what you are feeling as I have the same thoughts I have also been with my Mum all my life and we were only apart when she was in hospital for 9 weeks then came home and died after 7 weeks with me holding her hand. I miss her desperately it's only my two chocolate Labradors that keep me going.

Thinking of you lots xx
 

tinap

Registered User
Nov 2, 2014
41
0
west midlands
I have spent today reading all the posts I justed wanted to say I can relate to all the emotions you have all expressed. My wonderful mom left me very recently her funeral is aweek tomorrow which I'm dreading, I just wanted to say thank you to you all for sharing reading through as some how helped me get through another day much love to you all Tina
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
Sasky I don't have anyone, well except the cat who isn't mine and Connie who has been terrific.
Like you I miss my mum terribly, when people ask me how I am I have no idea how to reply. Do I keep telling them I feel awful, or do I lie and tell them I'm ok in which case they might think I have come to terms with this rather quickly, which is far from the case.
Tinap, glad the post is helping you that was the whole reason I started it so that the way I and others are feeling might help others, even if in a small way.
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hi everyone,

Carabosse, I don't always know how to reply when people ask how I am. Unless they're very close friends, I don't think they are particularly interested in the answer, so I lie and say "fine". Not many close friends ask tbh. I'm sure it's so they don't upset me. People are very wary of grief- I think they believe they shouldn't mention it in case it reminds you. What they don't realise is that you never need "reminding", that it never leaves you for a minute. I don't think anyone realises, until they've been through it, sadly.
Tina, I'm glad this thread had brought you some comfort. It has to me too. I hate thinking if others in pain though. I'm glad you all keep posting though. Thinking of you all
X


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Sasky

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
103
0
Ashford, Kent
It is so so difficult isn't it. We are feeling so empty and lost but as time passes others do not understand if we tell then how we are really feeling. Until you have actually experienced the loss of someone you love more than anyone else in the world then you can't possibly know what it feels like.

A mums love is like no other it is special, unconditional and irreplaceable and is the greatest love of all. Life will never ever be the same for me and I know Carabosse it will never be the same for you either because all we want is our darling Mums back
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
0
I think people ask how you are just for the sake of asking, as you say molly11 many don't ask for fear of upsetting the person. Even if you tell them how you are really feeling you get the impression that they think you should be getting on with things rather than moping round (for lack of better terminology), a few people have said that to me and all I can think is how dare they, this isn't something that's going to be over and done with in a short time, tbh I doubt I will ever get over the fact mum isn't here anymore. Yes, it may get easier but it still feels like my other half is missing, since we did everything together I am just lost without her.

Sasky, that's so true. We just want our mums back, I would do anything to have her and dad back, I would even go as far as to say I would make a pact with the Devil to have them back.
 

tinap

Registered User
Nov 2, 2014
41
0
west midlands
I feel everything you are saying people can say they are sorry but unless they experience this kind of pain they can never understand. Some are not lucky enough to have ever experienced the kind of love we have but the cost of not having our wonderful mothers with us anymore is the worst kind of pain imaginable.
I try to sleep at night to escape the pain, only to wake and realize its another day without her.
I'm afraid when I'm asked how I am my reply is I don't know, because I don't!
I really do feel for you all as I know how you feel.
Much love and strength Tina xx
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hi everyone,
Carabosse, I can't believe people mean that you should stop "moping" I know that wasn't their exact words, but how unkind. I can only hope that they have never experienced such a huge loss and they don't know how to react. I hope these aren't people you care about.Grief is very personal and unique to each person- no one should be made to feel anyway, apart from how they are feeling at that time, or at any time in the future.
Carabosse, ignore anyone who predicts or dictates your grief. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know it wouldn't take away the pain, but you strike me as someone who needs a big hug. Obviously from your mum, I know. But I wish I were your friend, because I wouldn't see you suffer as you are doing.
Tina, I'm so sorry to read how you are suffering. My heart goes out to you.
When my dad died, last May, I think a little part of me died too, he was my rock, my best friend. It sometimes still shocks me that he's dead. I don't really believe it. I went to see him in his coffin and I was sure he would sit up and say "haha fooled you!"
He didn't though. And he's dead. My heart is broken. He was my confidant, my best friend, my pal. I'll miss him forever xxx


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tinap

Registered User
Nov 2, 2014
41
0
west midlands
hi everyone Molly11 thank you for your kind thoughts I think we all die a little when someone close passes, but we never forget them. My dad died 38 years ago and I still miss him. The love you have for your parents never leaves. I'm trying to focus on the fact they gave me life, love and protection and I will be forever thankful for the time I have shared with them. I feel the same has you towards Carabosse after reading through the pain I would like to think we can offer the hand of friendship even if its only by being on here. I know it helps me being able to write amongst people who understand.
Tinaxx
 

Sasky

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
103
0
Ashford, Kent
Hello everyone

We are all suffering such pain through the loss of our Mum/Dad. It would be so good if we were altogether so we could comfort each other as WE KNOW HOW WE ALL FEEL.

My darling Mum was also my best friend and I miss her more than words can say, and yes Carabosse I know exactly what you mean by doing a deal with the devil.

I just want my darling Mum back, I can't believe she has gone I just thought we would be together always. There are days when I just don't know how I will get through and think about being forever with my Mum again, but then I think about my two chocolate Labradors and worry what would happen to them, but one day I will be reunited with my Mum

What else can we do to help each other??
 

molly11

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
75
0
Lancashire
Hi everyone,
Sasky, I don't know how we could help each other more, but I wish we could. I would like to meet everyone on this thread, it's given me comfort when I didn't know where to turn (still don't)
Tina, what lovely words to express your grief positively. I too, try to be thankful that I had such a brilliant father. A couple of my female friends told me at the time of my dad's death, that they were envious of my relationship with him. They'd never had that, you see, their fathers were absent and still are, in our 40s. It made me sad for them, but I still can't be grateful that, as fabulous as he was, he's now gone. But I do try to think that way.
Carabosse, I hope you post soon. Thinking of you. Xx


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WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
0
WEST SUSSEX
If you wake up and just feel there is no point to the future try to find a memory that brings a smile to your face. this is what I do when the future stretches ahead endlessly and my heart refuses to mend. I remember a happy day with my husband, smile and even though still very wobbly emotionally find I can get up and carry on which is what he would have wanted me to do I am sure. What else can we bereaved do except carry on with the hope that we will be together with our loved ones again one day somewhere. I know he would not have wanted me to waste the rest of my life on earth, however long, grieving so if I find myself smiling at something, or even laughing I try not to feel guilty but just tell him what made me contented for a moment again and often I feel a response. Thinking of you all WIFE
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
0
Southampton
Well said Wife,
Would our departed Mothers and fathers want us all to waste the rest of our lives by being sad for them and not making the most of each day. The pain of losing my Mum is there every day. Little things each day remind me of her. Yes, I would love to have her back but I am sure she would want me to smile and remember the good times we had and get out and do positive things.

Have any of you thought about becoming a Dementia Friend to make people in your community more dementia aware?. I did the short training to become a Dementia friend and also the whole days' training session to enable me to train people to be Dementia Friends. I am currently involved in a church project as to how all the churches in my surrounding area can become Dementia friendly. By doing this I feel I am contributing something positive to society from my Mums last year and her short journey with early dementia.