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Still lost!

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
Hopefully it won't be too long before I hear back from them with an appointment?

Why not try the tiling yourself, there are a couple of websites that show you step by step how to do it. I was thinking of putting some tiles behind the cooker and doing it myself, but as yet I haven't gotten around to it there isn't really any rush to do it. How did you get on with the four who called you back?

We are due to have more gale force winds and heavy rain over the weekend, so not sure if its worth going out to fix the damage just for it to happen again. I do need to get some potatoes lifted or I may lose them, it was supposed to be a fine day today, but its raining still on and off.

I think the cat has been indoors with all the rain, I know if I were a cat that's where I would be! Yes, I have missed her as I wonder if she is alright and that nothing has happened to her, I know she has been to the vet and may have to have injections so maybe the owner is keeping her indoors until they are finished? How's your cat getting on, still hiding?

No I haven't seen mums friend for about a week, mainly due to the fact I haven't left the house due to the weather and also her two sons and their wives are here, so I'm giving them space.

I am going to see about security lighting and a few other things to beef up the security of the house, it might help make me feel safer? Like you I have no idea why I have become scared, I just am, I have tried to figure out why but I just can't. I do feel safer in the house and when I'm out I try to get back there as quickly as possible, but sometimes at night when I hear a noise it makes me wonder what's going on is someone lurking outside?

Another good saying, I am trying to do both but its difficult!
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

I think I have sorted out someone to do some tiling, it is a small fiddly job and I think I will leave it to someone who, hopefully knows what they are doing!

It was cold and windy where I live and it feels like autumn has arrived early, I very nearly put on my central heating. Hope you don't lose the spuds after all your hard work.

My cat is fine, but when someone came to do some more work for me, she took off and headed straight for the cupboard. She clearly is not used to seeing a lot of people, and as she is a rescue cat I don't really know what went on in her life before I got her. I hope the cat starts coming to see you again soon.

Do you have neighbours quite close to you or are you more isolated, I have sometimes felt nervous at night on my own but not often because I have been living on my own for four years now and have security lighting and very good locks on my doors.

I know you are probably still feeling depressed but are you still self harming and have you told your doctor about this? I didn't harm myself physically after my dear mum died but I think I did mentally, I seemed to blame myself for everything, but the dementia was not my fault, I felt bad because no matter what I did I could not make my mum better and I felt I had failed her in some way, when I was small and poorly she always made me feel better but I couldn't do the same for her and this has always made me feel guilty. I would have done anything to make her happy and well but this was not to be.

Have you made another appointment with Cruse and will you go to see someone?

I have been thinking a lot lately about when I was a small child and all the things I did with my mum, do you think about your childhood much?

Lexy


"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything" C. S Lewis
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
Gale force winds and heavy rain here, again and its supposed to be here for the next few days, even snow is forecast for the mountains!

I managed to get out and lift 3 rows of potatoes before my back gave in, had them on paper on the living room floor drying, spent the last 2 days getting the mud off of them. Still got heaps more to lift if I ever get out to get them, hopefully it will stop raining at some point during the week?

The cat was on the window yesterday, I let it in for some food but it didn't eat much so its owners must have been up early. I couldn't let her into the living room as I had the potatoes all over the floor, so I had to put her out again. Maybe your cat will settle down once everything is sorted the way you like it in your house?

Yes I'm still self harming, yes my Dr knows, I know I'm definitely harming myself mentally as I keep going over things. That's the same here, mum looked after me so I looked after her, except I couldn't make her better no matter how hard I tried, hence I am feeling guilty its like I failed her. If I could have made a pact with the Devil I would have if it meant mum would be well again, I would have said I would have taken her place but if anything had happened to me mum would have done something stupid (if you know what I mean), as she used to say she wouldn't know what she would do if she didn't have me.

I am waiting for cruse to get back to me with an appointment.

I do think about my childhood as its a happy time when we were all together, I usually think of my childhood in my dreams. I have been having a lot of dreams that seem real like I'm there, some are ok of my childhood or times when we moved but were still all together, other times its nightmares of losing mum and I can't find her.

Another good phrase, sums everything up.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

I am feeling tired and being made to realise that I cannot do a million things all at the same time!! I want to get my home the way I want it immediately and this is not possible, I am not the patient type.

It is cold where I live, I remember this time last year it was very hot, I have never put on the heating in August but I just might.

I'm glad you have seen the cat again, she is probably a bit "miffed" if your front room is full of potatoes and she can't get to "her" chair. What will you do with all the potatoes you have? (apart from eating them I mean). I think my cat will settle okay when people stop coming here to do small jobs I need done, she will be off again tomorrow because I am having my boiler serviced so won't see her for the day.

Your dreams and nightmares are probably all to do with your grieving and just another way your mind is dealing with your loss. I do still have some days when I feel low and a bit hopeless but I think I must try and do things, but lately I have been trying to do to many things and have made myself tired.

Are you still feeling very depressed or are the pills beginning to help? I am sure your mum was very happy to have you to help her and do things for her, my mum used to say she did not know what she would do without me. I used to say to her that I would always be there for her and I was, right to the end. I do miss her so much as I know you must your mum aswell.

Look after yourself

Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
That's was like me, I think I can do this and that and it won't take too long, then end up not doing half of it as I don't have the energy to do it or the other things took longer than planned.

Its been cold here as well, I bought warm sheets for mum I ended up putting one lot on my bed, really cosy. I have had the heating on and off, I didn't think I would have it on so early either.

The potatoes are now in sacks, the rest are still in the ground as I haven't been able to get out to lift them due to the weather. I will store them and use them when I need them, I did give some to mums friend.
The cat was inside today, didn't stay long but she will be back.

I seem to be having a lot of those 'dreams/ nightmares', like every night. I have never had so many 'real' ones in my life, now its every night, I just wish I could get some sleep but with these its difficult.

The pills don't seem to be helping, but I will keep taking them, I see my Dr next month so i'll see what he says. I think i'll forever be thinking if I could have done more for mum, it doesn't matter how many people say I did more than some daughters would (my Dr tells me that), I will in my mind still think I could have done more. I miss her a lot, as I knew I would.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

I stood in my kitchen looking out of the window and thinking about my dear mum and could not stop crying, something happened that made me think about all the things that my lovely mum had done for me throughout my life. There was so much more I wanted to do for my mum, so many things I wanted to say to her and simply wanting to be able to love and care for her. I don't think we will ever feel we did enough for our mum's but I am sure we both did.

I put the heating on in the evening for an hour, in August!!

As predicted when the man came to service my boiler my cat hid, this time she went in my bed and stayed under the duvet, she used to do this in my other house so as long as she feels secure and safe I don't mind.

I have been painting my bedroom today but still have the front room and hallway to do and in October I am having a new kitchen and I will feel a lot better when this is done, I am not sure where to put the cat when all this is going on but I will confine her to one room as far away as possible from the noise.

No matter what I am doing or how busy I try to keep myself my thoughts are always with my mum, I am still "talking" to her. I did think how long will these feelings I have of missing her go on, forever I suspect. Some days I don't want to "go on" but I keep waking up so I have to!

I am sorry the dreams of stopping you from sleeping properly, you must get tired. Are you going out very much or do you not feel ready to do this much yet?

Have you made another appointment with Cruse yet? Let me know how you get on if you go.

Still in the same place in the tunnel?

Take care of yourself

Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
I think along those lines sometimes when I have time to think (if you know what I mean), at night I think I'm never going to be able to do x, y or z again with mum. In a way I am sure we both did all we could for our mums, but there will always be that nagging little voice in the back of our heads saying maybe we could have done more.

The sun has been out here for the past two days and it is still cold, I think summer is over here.

Is there a cattery that could take your cat until your new kitchen is installed, or would your cat freak out at being somewhere strange?

I have no idea why I am having those kind of dreams as I never had that many of them before, last night I had another one, it was half of happier times and half of when mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so not exactly sure what to make of it, all I know is when I 'woke up' I immediately thought I needed to go and check on mum but of course she isn't here. In a way it seems like my dreams/ nightmares are real and everything was a dream and when I wake up everything will be the way it used to be, if that makes sense, but of course its not.
There are times when I go back to bed to try and catch up on lost sleep, but it doesn't really work, something to mention to my Dr again when I see him.
I 'talk' to mum when I'm doing things, I also usually end up asking myself why I'm talking to myself!

I'm seeing someone from cruse this week, will let you know how things go.

Ah the tunnel, it doesn't seem as though I have moved forwards or backwards, maybe that is a good thing I don't know?
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
Southampton
It is the sharing of news family events that I miss being able to tell Mum. My son has just returned from 6 months in Afghanistan and seeing him parade through Windsor on the welcome home event made me really miss being able to share photos and talking to my Mum she would have been so proud of him and relieved all the battalion were home safely. This time last year I was planning Mum's 90th birthday tea. On her birthday in early September I plan to buy some flowers and place them next to the many photos I have of her , reminding me of happy times.
I have started to put some of her clothes I brought back to my house in bags for the charity shop. I feel I can now do this but I will still keep just a few of her special clothes.
I think of Mum at some time every day but time is a healer.
I hope you do get to your new appointment with cruse and manage to get out for a short walk every day .
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
I often forget my dear mum is no longer with us, especially when its my day off work and I think Il go and visit mum and then it hits me. The weekends are the worse when we go and visit my son and his family. we have to pass the flat where my mum used to live and both me and my husband both look up at the window where she would spend hours just looking out watching people. Its funny how my sons deal with it, my younger son talks about her all the time but his older brother never talks about his nana and changes the subject quickly if she is mentioned, I find the latter one very upsetting but his wife says that is his way of dealing with it, but Im not sure.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

I think I will try and keep my cat at home when kitchen is being done, I think if I put her in a cattery she would really freak out, at least if she is home she is in familiar surroundings even if they get a bit noisy.

Have you had any counselling yet, and if so was it helpful, I hope so.

Even if you have not moved anywhere in the tunnel hopefully you will not go backwards, better to stay where you are if you are not yet ready to go forward.

Have you told your doctor about all the dreams you are having? Maybe it could have something to do with the medication you are taking.


Krissymc, I still sometimes forget my mum has gone, I'm sure your son not talking about your mum is his way of dealing with his grief, he may find it very painful talking about her and is grieving for her in his own quiet way although I can see this would upset you. My brother would never talk about our mum after she died and I used to get annoyed with him.
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
I made a mistake about my appointment, its next week not this week. I think if I haven't moved in the tunnel that's a good thing, means I'm not worse but not better.

I mentioned to my Dr I was having nightmares but I didn't mention the real dreams, I really didn't go into specifics but when I see him next week I will mention it in more detail. Looking at the list of side effects that go with the medication its a wonder anyone takes anything!

At the moment I can't put mums clothes to a charity shop, too be honest I doubt I ever will. There are a few things I might try, see if they fit as majority of her clothes are less than a couple of years old, so if they fit me I will wear them, why not?
I also miss telling mum things that has been going on, it breaks my heart that I won't be able to do that ever again, I really miss my mum.

I have been keeping an eye on mums friend as she hasn't been too well.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

I have had some strange dreams lately, nothing to do with my mum though, one was about one of my best friends when I was growing up, why I should have a dream about her I really don't know. I do take some pills but they are herbal ones so perhaps it was something in them that caused it.

I don't expect you have had your appointment with Cruse yet but if you have hope it went well.

I still have my mum's clothes, I know I cannot part with them so have given up trying, although I did sort out a lot of stuff before my mum died. I would keep your mum's clothes as long as you feel you need to, maybe forever, I don't know.

I know it's hard when you can no longer share things with your mum, it is one of the things I miss most. I sometimes still try to live in the past but it only tears me apart when I do this so I try very hard to keep moving forward but it is painful and slow.

I keep getting different images of my mum in my head, all very heartbreaking, I wish they would go away. I try very hard to remember her when she was okay and look at photos of her when she was well.

It is good of you to keep an eye on your mum's friend, I hope she is okay.

How is the cat, is she still coming around, the tiler came today to finish off some work in my bathroom, guess where my cat went!!

Hope you are sleeping a bit better and eating well.

Look after yourself


Lexy
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
Had my appointment, it was ok, tears flowed.

I would have a look at the side effects just in case, but we dream about strange things, wonder why then try and put a meaning to them!

Somehow I think mums clothes will stay in her wardrobes, either that or I will move them into one of those plastic container boxes for safe keeping.
I would do anything to talk to my mum again, or hold her, just to see her smile, I can see her in my mind but its just not the same.

Mums friend is getting better slowly, I'm going in twice a day to make sure she has eaten and taken her meds, if she needs me she just phones me.

The cat has been round, it was on the window a few minutes ago but has disappeared. Err let me have a guess, your bedroom under the covers?

Sleeping, not really, eating probably the wrong stuff or sandwiches.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Carabosse

Seven months isn't long. When I was walking out in the lovely sunshine today I started to feel that I was "letting go" a little bit, and it has taken me a very long time. I am beginning to accept slowly, and it has been a long painful period in my life that what I had, my mum and a different life will never be again. I know I can't go back no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I want my mum to still be here, she isn't and never will be again. I have been without my mum four years and four months, I still miss her dreadfully but have begun to stop wishing and hoping that she was still here because I know it can't be this way.

I have many memories, good and bad as you will, don't expect too much from yourself, I think from what you say what you are feeling is fairly normal but horrible.

Just remember, nothing can hurt our mum's now, they are at peace.

Glad you kept appointment with Cruse, hopefully counselling may help to ease your pain a little.

Tiler came, cat went in box instead of on it!!

Take care



Lexy
 

Rathbone

Registered User
May 17, 2014
2,264
West Sussex
Hello Carabosse and Lexy. I haven't posted on here for some time now, but have just caught up with the end bit and wanted to send you both loving thoughts from me. We go on trying to fill the gap our Mums have left and it's an impossible task; we simply have to acknowledge it and let it be it seems to me. Eventually, what sustained me was the one most important aspect of my Mother - her indomitable strength in adversity. Whenever I had to face anything - including her no longer being here - I would ask myself what she would have done. It is now an unbelievable eighteen years since she passed and that strength is still with me. Your lovely Mums are with you both still; nothing can change that. I hope you both gain strength in knowing they are out of sight but never out of mind. With love X Shelagh:)
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
I have another appointment with Cruse in a week or so, so we shall see how things go.

As long as the cat was ok I don't suppose her going into the box mattered, hopefully she will settle down and not run when strangers come to your house?

I know my mum isn't in pain anymore, its just when you have someone in your life 24/7 365 days of the year then they are not there anymore, its difficult. She is probably looking down on me wishing she could do something to ease my pain, except she can't. I still wish I could have her back I say that every night in my prayers, I know it can't happen but doesn't stop me asking, and as you say its early days yet so maybe that will pass (but I doubt it).

When I have been thinking about doing something (you know what I mean), the only thing that seems to be stopping me is my thoughts of what my mum would think, she wouldn't want me doing anything as I have my whole life ahead of me, mums words she would say to me often.
 

lexy

Registered User
Nov 24, 2013
563
Hello Rathbone

I do feel my mum is near me, she will always be with me in one way or another, I do miss her very much and think I always will, we were always very close and I could never imagine my life without her, but she is gone and I know I have to accept this.
Thank you for your kind words
 

elizabet

Registered User
Mar 26, 2013
224
Southampton
This time last year I was planning my Mums 90th birthday family tea party-found myself in Sainsbury's yesterday looking at birthday cards with Mum on and felt pretty emotional for a little while. It is 9 months since my Mum died .I too miss her every day. Part of her is part of me as she gave birth to me and gave me life and cared for me.I in turn looked after her even though she had to enter a care home for her last months.
Carabosse I do hope you can start to move on through your tunnel. Apart from gardening are there any new things you would like to challenge you -any community choirs or interest groups locally you could join - to get out and socialise It must be very lonely being in your house every day apart from when you go for some shopping. I hope the appointment with Cruse goes well.
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
I am popping in to see mums best friend a couple of times a day, she hasn't been well, apart from that I only go out for appointments or for shopping.
Where I live there isn't really anything to do, and I don't drive so I can't really go where I want when I want. At the moment the house is my safe zone, I can go out to do the shopping etc (usually early) so I don't bump into many people as I can't handle them asking how I am, or asking about mum if they didn't know she has passed (had a couple of people asking how she was), so its easier at the moment to stay on safe ground.