Still here...

[at wits end]

Hello all

I'm still here, still struggling to come to terms with Nanna being in the NH.
Wish I had a magic wand to make it all better but now getting fed up with feeling fed up!

Nanna doesnt want to be there. She thinks she can cope on her own if only I would let her move back home. She wants me to move the furniture round so she can live in the top floor of her house, she seems to think she can order her food from sainsburys and pop to the corner shop for anything she missed. Someone at the home is obviously putting ideas in her head,because she's never wanted online shopping before!

In truth she can only walk with an arm to hold onto, is very wobbly, and hasnt even had to make a cup of tea for the last three months. But she wont accept that she would struggle.

She's still quite sweet, and apart from the odd threat to drown herself not aggressive about it all.

Just wish I could give her what she wants but I know I cant. I just make excuses about when we see the dr i'll ask him and hope she forgets again.

Just wanted to share.....

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Sounds like you are responding well and compassionately!

 

[kingmidas1962]

I think you're doing incredibly well

Changing the subject and being suitably vague really are the order of the day - it doesnt do any good to argue, contradict or even try to reason with some dementia sufferers - and you know her best ...

I don't know how long it is since she went into the home but it can take quite a while to settle. You may not be able to give her what she (thinks she) wants - but you are giving her what she needs. Someone to care for her, to look after her and feed her, and make sure she comes to no harm

Feel good about yourself

 

[at wits end]

Thank you ladies.

Wish I could feel good about it all but in truth I just feel like pants.

So sick of it all.

 

[Witzend]

Just wish I could give her what she wants but I know I cant. I just make excuses about when we see the dr i'll ask him and hope she forgets again.

Just wanted to share.....

That's the way to go - blame it on the doctor! 'It's just till he thinks you're a bit better,' etc.

I used to use 'the doctor' quite a bit, but it's so hard when they're convinced they can still do everything they used to do 10 or 20 years previously.

 

[kingmidas1962]

I didn't mean to sound flippant - I'm sure you do feel c#*p at the moment - but I hope that things will settle and that you will feel you did the right thing - because you have xxx

 

[at wits end]

I didn't mean to sound flippant - I'm sure you do feel c#*p at the moment - but I hope that things will settle and that you will feel you did the right thing - because you have xxx

and I didnt mean to make it seem like I thought you were being flippant...at least i think thats what I mean....lol

I just thought that once the decision was made, it would get easier for me. That the pressure would be gone and I could move on with my life. But instead I feel stuck in limbo. I know she is in the right place, I just wish she knew it too!

 

[21citrouilles]

Not being able to give loved ones what they want is terribly hard.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi my Mum used to say 'all will be resolved in the fullness of time' - my impression is that it early days for you both and if so I honestly think that you will get better at dealing with this when she feels a bit happier/settled.

I hope this happens soon for you both so you can begin to recover. Once my Mum relaxed and seemed contented I suddenly began to realise she was not my last thought at night and first thought in the morning - I had lost much weight over the past few months and now noticing I have put on a few lbs! (This is good I was too skinny!)

and I didnt mean to make it seem like I thought you were being flippant...at least i think thats what I mean....lol

I just thought that once the decision was made, it would get easier for me. That the pressure would be gone and I could move on with my life. But instead I feel stuck in limbo. I know she is in the right place, I just wish she knew it too!

 

[at wits end]

thank you.

Wolfsgirl- i think that the thing that irritates me the most is that waking up thinking of her. it's really annoying! I have lots of other things that could do with my attention yet all i think about is nan. Wish i was one who lost weight with the stress of it all but i've always been a comfort eater

Popped round to see a friend last night who's father has just been taken into respite care and have realised i need to be a bit more proactive about this all, instead of just accepting the situation and blaming it on myself. No-one else is interested in fighting on her behalf so i need to get a grip!

so i'm going to email the CH and ask about getting her more involved in activities there (she is quite resistant to activities but you never know) and was thinking of trying to find a befriending volunteer who can sit and chat to her one afternoon a week.

feeling much more positive today!

 

[Hair Twiddler]

so i'm going to email the CH and ask about getting her more involved in activities there (she is quite resistant to activities but you never know) and was thinking of trying to find a befriending volunteer who can sit and chat to her one afternoon a week.

feeling much more positive today!

Pleased that you're feeling more positive today - ups and down - they come around far too often don't they?
I think your befriender idea is a good one - a friendly face and a willingness to talk and listen will I hope make your Nan happier and more settled.
The "blame it on the doctor/CPN/SW/Government" strategy is one I use often It's great, so long as we don't get too carried away with it and apply it too thickly.
Here's hoping for a perky day! Mine hasn't started yet - fingers crossed.

 

[at wits end]

Well as always things move on still. Visited Nan yesterday and she was quite aggressive and nasty to start with. Wants to go home and doesn't understand why she cant. Moans constantly about everything, is determined to see the worst in every situation and quite frankly is doing a good job of driving me away.

I emailed the home a few days ago to check they were following her care plan with regard to activities and the like and they were able to confirm she had been on outings (never mentioned by her) and was always invited to join in the activities. They are also planning to turn one of the dining rooms into a sort of coffee shop so they can do 'coffee mornings' which they are keen for nanna to attend. they are also trying to take her out for a short walk each day.

But Nanna can not see the positive in anything lately. I told her it was supposed to snow, adding cheerfully 'hopefully that will be the last bit of winter!' to which she replied 'humph it can go on much longer'. everything i say to her is met with negativity. and i cant blame it on the dementia because she has always been like this.

She moans she in lonely but always has an excuse why she cant do the activities, she moans she would walk out if only she didn't have her bags to carry. (if i wanted to walk out I'd take my purse and go!).

Feel like i have given the last seven years of my life to running around after her on a daily basis and now I want my life back. She is safe and VERY well looked after if only she could stop moaning and see it.The home is fantastic and the staff are so kind and friendly.

I have two jobs and two kids and am quite frankly FED UP of this now. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!

 

[kingmidas1962]

I think your nan and my mum were separated at birth ... although mine doesn't have dementia, she is a former carer recovering from a carer breakdown - but they were definitely cast in the same mould!

Mine too resists everything. There is always something 'wrong' with the activities in her extra care housing - you name it, I've heard it. Too late, too loud, too many people, not enough people, not her cup of tea - doesn't like the person running the group, too tiring, too boring - I've heard every one in the book.

She is changing, very ... v-e-r-y slowly, but of course I am aware that she doesn't have the added dimension of dementia to deal with like your nan. I think you just have to dig your heels in - start cutting down your visits - listen to what the carers say. If they say she is joining in then she IS - she just doesn't want you to know it. Its like a built in self preservation tool ...

If I SAY everything is OK, everyone will stop bothering with me

My mum doesn't know how to stop it - I can't stop her but I CAN stop reacting to it. Its incredibly hard. When I go and see her I repeat a little mantra to myself before I go into her flat - if anyone could see me they'd think I was insane. There I am in the lift repeating 'don't argue, don't validate what she says, keep the peace' but this is what I am training myself to do. If she won't do something, she won't. I will ask her once and no more. If she is lonely but won't make an effort to connect with people, I can't help that. If she doesn't like the activity I just say 'oh well, never mind'. I used to try and offer her loads of alternatives or justify why it might be OK for her, when all she would do is moan, moan, moan! It never worked!

As I said, I do write all this knowing that your nan does have dementia and my mum doesn't - but it does sound like there are a lot of similarities!

 

[rajahh]

I agree about visitingless. You have given up a lot of your life already you have two children/ They need you too.

You also need you.

She is safe, warm, there is food. there is company, there are activities.

Visit less and start to think of yourself a bit more.

Jeannette

 

[Navara]

I agree with all that's been said. At the end of the day you've done what you know to be the best (and only) think you could do in the circumstances.

I think its right that constant complaining is a way of hoping to keep all the attention focussed on them, though why they think they would become neglected if they were pleasant, I just don't know! I always feel that if my mum could just be cheerful I'd want to go and see her much more often. The never ending moaning just makes you want to head for the hills.

 

[at wits end]

Sorry that post was all very moany and self-indulgent of me! Feel a bit better now.

I just have tried so hard without any support from the family outside OH and my kids to make her happy. I was even looking forward to seeing her yesterday and I felt she spoilt it.

I suppose this is me moving to the next stage in the process of grieving for the sufferer, is this acceptance? that I cant sort her out anymore? She has to take some rsponsibility for herself now.

If and it is a whopping great IF, she did get the powers that be to say she could cope at home she would have to be doing it without me. I will visit her in the NH but I will not support in her in moving anywhere else. If she can persuade someone else to take her moans seriously that is up to them. My job here is done in that regard!

I shall practise your mantra before visits KingMidas!

 

[Big Effort]

Dear At Wits End,

I am always amazed at how wishful thinking on the dementia-person's behalf is so convincing to them. As you said your grand-mother cannot even make a cup of tea on her own, yet she can sincerely believe she could live alone, without help.

Mum is the same. She also can't do anything, and more or less just watches DVDs for entertainment. She can't read any more either, nor make tea/coffee or use the phone. Yet when I ask her what she did today, she says she is extremely tired because she worked so hard, she cleaned the house, gardened, read lots..... As if! In reality, today she had a snooze after breakfast, and I caught her sleeping though her favorite Jane Austen DVD.

I think we shouldn't get too upset when they want to come home (my Mum wants to visit my brother in hospital and even thinks she could help out in their home while her recuperates). I hope I can not feel too sad when Mum gets up to this sort of fantisizing. But emotional detachment is easier said than done. Hugs and chin up, BE

 

[kingmidas1962]

Sorry that post was all very moany and self-indulgent of me! Feel a bit better now.

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I suppose this is me moving to the next stage in the process of grieving for the sufferer, is this acceptance? that I cant sort her out anymore? She has to take some rsponsibility for herself now.

Not moany or self indulgent AT ALL. Honest though - if you cant speak your mind here, where can you?

There is a model of grief that illustrates 5 stages
(http://www.businessballs.com/elisab...tm#elisabeth_kubler-ross_five_stages_of_grief)


denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - and for the moment you seem to be visiting anger! I was there a few weeks ago and I felt quite as if I could have cheerfully killed someone!

 

[AnneD]

and I didnt mean to make it seem like I thought you were being flippant...at least i think thats what I mean....lol

I just thought that once the decision was made, it would get easier for me. That the pressure would be gone and I could move on with my life. But instead I feel stuck in limbo. I know she is in the right place, I just wish she knew it too!

I know how you feel, I know I have done the right thing too and did feel better once Mum went in CH, but knowing she isn't happy there (I don't think she will be happy anywhere!) makes me feel very sad, and when she tells me she wishes she could die my heart breaks

 

[at wits end]

Well that visit didnt go well!

she started as soon as i got there and i fear i visited expecting a fight so i yelled at her (yes i yelled ) and then I cried. ANd then SHE ended up reassuring ME that we 'wont let it get us down!'

She apologised for being contrary and was worried my husband would be cross if he knew she had upset me. Then she said 'you wont want to visit me if i upset you' which was the first time she has shown awareness of me having feelings of my own!

so not a good visit but i think it may have done us some good to 'be in it together' rather than at loggerheads over it.

Just wish i had an answer.