Still dealing with the loss after so long

[100 miles]

Olivia,

You are having a tough time. Have you managed to organise some time off work?

Can I suggest the guilt monster on the head? We all make the best decisions we can with the information available at the time. Guilt monsters are just a distraction.

Spend whatever time you can with your mum and do whatever you think is right. It is all that you can do. You will cope. Partly because you have to but mainly because you mum and dad have taught you how to cope.

100 miles

 

[LadyA]

@olivia1 I'm so sorry to hear that your mum seems to be reaching the end of her life. It's such a very difficult thing to go through, the watching and waiting. Wishing you strength for the coming days.

 

[olivia1]

@olivia1 I'm so sorry to hear that your mum seems to be reaching the end of her life. It's such a very difficult thing to go through, the watching and waiting. Wishing you strength for the coming days.

Thank you LadyA, she passed tonight . I feel devastated , totally a shell. I do want life to stop,all life. Cars stop driving, clocks stop ticking, people stop walking around. But that is not going to happen . If i start crying as i did earlier i won't stop, my brother is just off the phone and he talked some sense into me, always the voice of reason

 

[Amethyst59]

Oh, I’m so very sorry to hear this, @olivia1. It is devastating, and comfort has to be taken where it can be found...that your lovely mum is at peace now. And, for you, the world will stop for a while. It sounds like your brother is really supportive...another crumb of comfort. So many people on this site have been where you are now...and you will find that this awful raw pain passes. Meanwhile, be as kind to yourself as you can. I hope you are able to take a little time off work to rest.

 

[LadyA]

Thank you LadyA, she passed tonight . I feel devastated , totally a shell. I do want life to stop,all life. Cars stop driving, clocks stop ticking, people stop walking around. But that is not going to happen . If i start crying as i did earlier i won't stop, my brother is just off the phone and he talked some sense into me, always the voice of reason

Aw, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It is very hard, and I'm familiar with the feeling of "how can everything just continue on as if nothing had happened?!" Thinking of you.

 

[Greyone]

Oh, Olivia, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight and that you are not able to be close at hand, That is not your fault in the slightest and you're in such a tricky situation. Some of us have been so lucky at our mum's end of life but my heart goes out to you. Don't give up hope yet though. I hope your boss makes things easy for you makes your choices easier. When the time came, my boss understood because it was a must do for me and of course when the end comes o truly hope you are able to be there for her. There is nothing on this earth like saying your final goodbye. I did not realize mine was but I am so grateful to be able to say to her "can I give you a hug" and she said yes. It still makes me tearful just thinking about it.

At work, i was grateful to find one or two who had been through this recently so I did not feel so alone. If the word gets out of your plight then I hope they come out of the woodwork to help support you. It may seem so unfair that you have to be braver than necessary especially if she's been given something to help her. My mum's doctor prescribed her a package of drugs to help if things got tough and the CH used them when the time comes so I am doubly grateful they were able to easier her pain and we were able to see her slip away painlessly.

Good luck with work and I hope at this time you find more friend that you imagine.

 

[Scouts girl]

I am so sorry for your loss Olivia and know just how you feel as my lovely mum passed away Tuesday night.
So many mixed emotions at the moment. Heartbroken that I have lost her to this awful disease but relief that she is no longer struggling and is at peace now with my dad. I feel I am in overdrive at the moment and that the loss will hit me when at least expected. I am devastated and it is all feeling rather surreal at the moment and like you say if I start to cry I won’t stop. I will miss her terribly as she was my best friend as well as my mum and just can’t believe that I will never see her again. I think the feeling of guilt though will be with me for a long time, it is all the ‘what ifs’ that I keep thinking about. Just leaving her at her care home a couple of hours before she passed away because I was so exhausted, if only I had stayed a bit longer so I was with her at the end.

 

[lavender1]

Yes we all grieve in our own way. I feel I am going through a kind of grief now with my lovely mum on end of life care due to vascular dementia. I lost her some months ago, and I know I am in a way lucky to have her still with me but the sadness and heartbreak in watching her suffering is like a form of bereavement in itself. I don’t know how I will really feel when she is no longer with me. Will it be tears of relief that she is no longer suffering, tears for the guilt that I could not look after her myself at home or just tears that I have lost my lovely mum to this awful disease I expect all of them. I know I will miss her terribly but I have wonderful memories of our lives together and just hope that these will see me through. It does at times feel like a never ending journey we are going through but we have to try and reassure ourselves that we do everything we can for our lwd to make sure they are safe and well cared for. I am sure there will be days when grief will hit you unexpectedly. When my dad died it was a piece of music or just reading something that I knew he would have found amusing, seeing something in a shop that reminded me of him that caused the tears to flow. Take your time to grieve, seek support from family and friends as they can be a lifesaver. You can join some support groups if you feel that counselling doesn’t help and please keep posting your thoughts and feelings on TP, we are all here for you. They say time is a great healer but not how long a time.

 

[lavender1]

Hello scoutsgirl - my heart goes out to you. I lost my dad on 6 July this year following a 10 year battle with Alzheimer's disease, but like you my grieving started way earlier than his death. It is hard and I miss him loads but my sadness is mixed with relief his suffering is over as his quality of life for that last few months was zero. I felt differently at his death, as I lost my lovely mum only 10 days after she was diagnosed with cancer, so did not have the same shock with dad as I was expecting it for some time. My one comfort is I really hope they are together again x

 

[JackyJ]

Oh Olivia 1, i feel so deeply for you, it’s heartbreaking.

I gave up work May 2016 as I couldn’t cope with work as I was always away and I felt mum needed me. But that was 18 months ago and mum is still hear. Every illness she rally’s, she’s been in end of life all this time. But, to be honest I couldn’t work, I feel I was loosing the plot. but not working and spending all the time with mum isn’t healthy either, I think I’ve lost the plot totally now and only the inevitable and mum finding peace will help - god I feel guilty saying that!

But, I’m sure if you speak to your boss and explain the situation you can come to some agreement.

Hugs x

 

[lambchop]

Hi Olivia,

Losing anyone you love so much is incredibly hard and brutal. I lost my dear, dear mum in October this year and it's hell. The pain is too much to bear at times, knowing you will never see them again - no matter they are at peace and no longer suffering; you are suffering without them. That's how I feel. Regarding regrets, they are usually the first (and most hateful) emotions to come out of hiding after shock. There is no easy way to deal with regrets - no matter how irrational they may be, and no matter how many people counsel you to think differently, you may have to just come to terms with them, I'm sorry to say. I have plenty of regrets and am trying to do the same.

Regrets aside, you know you loved your mum absolutely and that can never be taken away from you, or her as she knew this too. What a blessing she must have been in your life and vice versa. We are indeed blessed to have people in our lives who loved us and whom we loved without qualification.

 

[Scouts girl]

I so agree with you lamb chop. I was truly blessed to have such a wonderful caring mum who was always there for me and I have such wonderful memories that I hope in time will help me come to terms with her recent passing. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and I have done most of my grieving this past year when I lost her to dementia. It is just the thought of not seeing her again, that lovely warm smile she had and the hugs and tenderness she showed to everyone is just so hard to deal with.

 

[Greyone]

Hi Olivia, you're in the right place if you want to grieve for your loss. It is a very personal thing. I decided on professional counselling a year after my mum died because other losses were crowding in. Despite that, my loss is still hard to bear because after the first year I realise mum is truly gone forever. So you are not alone if you think it is difficult. Sharing your feelings with others is one way to help. I still share mine here and get great comfort.

 

[Greyone]

During the first year after my husband died, @Greyone , I picked up an elderly neighbour who was waiting for the bus one day. She's a widow too, her husband having died very suddenly many years ago. She said "You know, everyone says that the first year is the hardest. But it's not. In the first year, you are expecting it to be very hard. All those "firsts", the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of their death. So, you are kind of focused on getting through that. I found" she said "the second year was much harder. Because you've been so focused on getting through all those "firsts" and getting through the first year. And not the first year is over, and you find they are still dead. And that's when it really starts to sink in, that it's acually real and forever and they aren't coming back."
I found she was right. But now, I'm also through the second year, and into the third. And, while it's still hard, and there are still occasional tsunami's of grief, they are not so very frequent, nor so completely overwhelming. Recently, I went into my local Tesco, and they had got in rather nice men's cardigans. My immediate thought was "Oh, lovely! perfect for William!" before it hit me like a punch to the gut that of course I don't need to get him one. Hasty exit from shop, in tears.

Hi Lady A.

I managed to find your post and felt a need to add a postscript since this month will be my 2nd anniversary. What you said then has always been at the back of my mind and I don't think I am saying anything out of place by acknowledging the rightness of what you were told.

My first year was indeed tough because I did not know what to expect of how to manage those numerous days of grief and the 2nd year has indeed tougher with what you call "occasional tsunami's of grief", that is such a good phrase because I have had many unexpected outbursts of sobbing. Three weeks today will be my second anniversary. So I would really like to know how you have coped with year three.

 

[LadyA]

@Greyone , Well, it's two years and eight months since my husband died. I'm used to it, as I got used to visiting him in the nursing home. But, I don't think it will ever be "normal". I miss little things, like taking him for tea and cake. Or watching dvds together in the evening. I have a little grandson now, and I think how much delight he would have taken in him (except of course, that with the dementia, he wouldn't! Because reality is that with the dementia, all of my attention had to be focused on him, or he would get aggressive/sulky and literally pull me away!)

I'm making a conscious effort to focus forward, and focus on life. I took on two very sickly rescue kittens in October, and as they've grown, they've certainly given me a focus. Reason to get out of bed. (And they are now in good health, but have to be house cats. Hadn't bargained for that!) It's nice to have something besides me alive and breathing in the house! I've taken up knitting again. I'm trying to get out and walk more, and trying to connect more with friends. And of course, spend more time with family, see my brothers & their families, take my mum out. It doesn't just "happen" though. Without me making a real effort (and I'd rather not make that effort, most of the time), I would just stay at home, in my house, which is my security blanket, and go nowhere and see nobody. However, that is not going to be helpful to me, is it?

Yes, I do still carry the sadness and grief with me. I think that's something that will always be there. How have I coped in year three? Well, tbh, what is the alternative? I think the third year seems to be when we can look at things, and realise "Well, this is pants, and not at all what I expected at this stage of life. But it is how it is, and the only way is forward." Because, all the grieving in the world won't change things. My grandson's birth certainly helped with perspective. I remember my daughter being born, and being a toddler. And now, there she is in her 30s, with a toddler. And my husband was in his 80s when he died. It's the cycle of life, isn't it? It just keeps going.

I hope you continue to move through your grieving for your mum. It will always be with you, but I hope it will become easier, as time passes.

 

[Greyone]

@Greyone , Well, it's two years and eight months since my husband died. I'm used to it, as I got used to visiting him in the nursing home. But, I don't think it will ever be "normal". I miss little things, like taking him for tea and cake. Or watching dvds together in the evening. I have a little grandson now, and I think how much delight he would have taken in him (except of course, that with the dementia, he wouldn't! Because reality is that with the dementia, all of my attention had to be focused on him, or he would get aggressive/sulky and literally pull me away!)

I'm making a conscious effort to focus forward, and focus on life. I took on two very sickly rescue kittens in October, and as they've grown, they've certainly given me a focus. Reason to get out of bed. (And they are now in good health, but have to be house cats. Hadn't bargained for that!) It's nice to have something besides me alive and breathing in the house! I've taken up knitting again. I'm trying to get out and walk more, and trying to connect more with friends. And of course, spend more time with family, see my brothers & their families, take my mum out. It doesn't just "happen" though. Without me making a real effort (and I'd rather not make that effort, most of the time), I would just stay at home, in my house, which is my security blanket, and go nowhere and see nobody. However, that is not going to be helpful to me, is it?

Yes, I do still carry the sadness and grief with me. I think that's something that will always be there. How have I coped in year three? Well, tbh, what is the alternative? I think the third year seems to be when we can look at things, and realise "Well, this is pants, and not at all what I expected at this stage of life. But it is how it is, and the only way is forward." Because, all the grieving in the world won't change things. My grandson's birth certainly helped with perspective. I remember my daughter being born, and being a toddler. And now, there she is in her 30s, with a toddler. And my husband was in his 80s when he died. It's the cycle of life, isn't it? It just keeps going.

I hope you continue to move through your grieving for your mum. It will always be with you, but I hope it will become easier, as time passes.

Hi Lady A and thank you so much for your reply. I have to say that I did and still do - find you original advice extremely consoling and keep it for future use myself. So thank you again for that.

I understand what you say about normal, recently I read somewhere that "The aim is not to get back to normal. It is about understanding how your life has changed..." so I have given up on normal.

I too miss the little things but look back on them fondly. I have started to make a "conscious" effort to look forward, by looking after myself and planning for the future because I now realise i have so much to do. It is teaching me patience. I understand what you say about having something else in the house because I found Easter so lonesome.

After a couple of hiccups, I have resolved to get out at the weekend at least for half a day. There is no better time and I have so much choice around me and it will give me something to look forward to each week. I recently met two nice people from the canals and river trust when taking be canal walk one day. It kinda grabbed my interest.

I know only too well as you say that it just doesn't "happen". I must confess that I had promised myself not to go out without a purpose. Now I come to think of it I find that strange and sad, but as I write to you I have just been for a shop followed by a walk along our river to mix with people and finally a nice hot drink at my favourite coffee shop.

I have something for you here. It is called The TEAR Model of Grief (Worden - 1991).
I find it a lot easier than the other one:
1.Accepting the reality of the loss
2.Experiencing the pain of the loss
3.Adjusting to a new life without the lost person
4.Reinvestment in the new reality.

I hope to start on 3 soon.

You are so right about the sadness and grief. That is one of the things that Cruse told me, that it doesn't go, it just gets less painful and more bearable. But that is enough for me.

Once again, thank you so much for posting and good luck with the grandson. I do feel better with what you have told me. Au revoir.

 

[Greyone]

During the first year after my husband died, @Greyone , I picked up an elderly neighbour who was waiting for the bus one day. She's a widow too, her husband having died very suddenly many years ago. She said "You know, everyone says that the first year is the hardest. But it's not. In the first year, you are expecting it to be very hard. All those "firsts", the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of their death. So, you are kind of focused on getting through that. I found" she said "the second year was much harder. Because you've been so focused on getting through all those "firsts" and getting through the first year. And not the first year is over, and you find they are still dead. And that's when it really starts to sink in, that it's acually real and forever and they aren't coming back."
I found she was right. But now, I'm also through the second year, and into the third. And, while it's still hard, and there are still occasional tsunami's of grief, they are not so very frequent, nor so completely overwhelming. Recently, I went into my local Tesco, and they had got in rather nice men's cardigans. My immediate thought was "Oh, lovely! perfect for William!" before it hit me like a punch to the gut that of course I don't need to get him one. Hasty exit from shop, in tears.

Hi LadyA.

I have been thinking alot about you and your posting this week because Sunday 29th April marked the end of my 2nd year. I can certainly endorse what your neighbour said. My first year was hard with all those firsts, deciding what to do and coping with what happened. My 2nd year has been harder. Not only the realisation that mum has gone for good but also the realisation that i am now alone in the world for now. The anniversaries were much harder but harder still was the heavy tears that came whenever i was lonely, anxious or tired, the impromptu visits to the crem to be alone and the quiet and lonely walks.

Last week , i started on my 3rd year so i am hoping things will be easier and i will be better equipped to cope with the future without mum and dad.

Thank you so much again for sharing this with me and your neighbour also for sharing it with you. I hope things go well with you.

 

[LadyA]

@Greyone I'm glad things are getting a bit easier. Last October, as the nights were drawing in, I suddenly felt that it would be nice, actually, to have something besides me alive and breathing in the house again! I've never had tv or radio, and silence can get very deafening at times! So I took on two rescue kittens, who are now 9 months old. Both turned out to have "problems" and have taken months of nursing to get healthy, and one lost an eye to cat flu when she was tiny, so they need to be house cats. But they are company. And they keep me very busy! Could you think about a pet?

 

[Greyone]

That's an interesting idea. For me it would have to be something that could survive when i get back into work. But over the past year i have learnt the hard way that it is very lonely being on your own all day even if you do not live on your own. I house pet sounds even better , so going outside is not good for it. Maybe when i have moved house it would be an option so long as it did not inflame my hayfever. My next door neighbour benefits from having a rescued whippet for company. I am so glad to hear that your two keep you occupied , that's the trick. yes i could thik of a pet but not sure what kind or condition. Still its a very interesting thought thx.

 

[love.dad.but..]

That's an interesting idea. For me it would have to be something that could survive when i get back into work. But over the past year i have learnt the hard way that it is very lonely being on your own all day even if you do not live on your own. I house pet sounds even better , so going outside is not good for it. Maybe when i have moved house it would be an option so long as it did not inflame my hayfever. My next door neighbour benefits from having a rescued whippet for company. I am so glad to hear that your two keep you occupied , that's the trick. yes i could thik of a pet but not sure what kind or condition. Still its a very interesting thought thx.

I have always had cats and Tia my tabby is now 17 and can certainly recommend cats if you like them.She is a lap cat so often especially in dull winter seeks out my company which is a nice feeling. During tough times I often blubbed and having Tia gave something else to focus on and even if I was moaning she responded with purring. I also love with cats that they can also be aloof so aren't needy and provided they are fed and watered would be happy for anyone to feed them. In the nicer weather watching her in the garden while I am out there gives me and her pleasure. Work wise a dog could work but could be difficult for the dog if alone all day without company and the need for walks and peeing but a friend organises dog walkers while she is at work.