Still dealing with the loss after so long

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Greyone, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    I recall when my mother died nearly 19 months ago, not thinking about loss or grief until a year had passed and then for a very different reason. I took the opportunity to see a counselor for 5 weeks when the chance presented itself and thought just talking would help.

    Now another 7 months on, I'm wondering if that is still true. I find myself coping well except at times of loneliness and fatigue, then all my negative thoughts come to me in one go and I blame them on losing my mother.

    The question that enters my mind tonight is "is there a right way to go when you lose someone". My family cried and grieved and remembered and celebrated at the due times and I decided to I set the first anniversary of her passing as the time to try and move on.

    So my 1st question to you all is that "Is there a right way to go/behave/act when you lose someone" or are the stages of grief a winding rocky road.

    My 2nd question is "After so long is there anything else we can do apart from watching the passage of time"

    My counselor suggested that it would take me some time get over my loss because we lived as a family together in the family home for over 50 years when mum passed away. And when a great sadness comes over me I have to ask myself many times "how long".

    I am genuinely pleased to say that just sitting here and typing has a slow calming effect on me and tempted as I am to just press delete, I feel a greater need to find out from anyone passing how they feel about their loss after more than a year and yes maybe even longer.

    Any thoughts welcome. For now, goodnight.
     
  2. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    I'd be interested to read any answers you get Greyone.
    My Dad died in August this year and now we have my Mum living with us who has Alzheimer's.
    I haven't had a chance to grieve solely for Dad as I feel I'm grieving for three things at once. Dads loss, mums loss and the family home.
    Take care x
     
  3. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    Hi and no problem. My dad died a few years previously and I cant remember grieving for him at all. Their ashes are scattered in the same place, so when I went to see mum for the first time alone I suddenly realized they were together in more ways than one and I have to remember to say hi to them both. That finally helped me because no matter what I say I try to talk to them both now.

    I'm sorry to hear your news and the position your in. It must seem like it is never-ending. But you are talking to people here so I hope you find TP comforting and helpful. I hope you'll drop by here now and again to see what's going on and feel free to join in with your thoughts anytime.

    Thanks again
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    I think grieving is like dementia, everybody is different.
     
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    During the first year after my husband died, @Greyone , I picked up an elderly neighbour who was waiting for the bus one day. She's a widow too, her husband having died very suddenly many years ago. She said "You know, everyone says that the first year is the hardest. But it's not. In the first year, you are expecting it to be very hard. All those "firsts", the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of their death. So, you are kind of focused on getting through that. I found" she said "the second year was much harder. Because you've been so focused on getting through all those "firsts" and getting through the first year. And not the first year is over, and you find they are still dead. And that's when it really starts to sink in, that it's acually real and forever and they aren't coming back."
    I found she was right. But now, I'm also through the second year, and into the third. And, while it's still hard, and there are still occasional tsunami's of grief, they are not so very frequent, nor so completely overwhelming. Recently, I went into my local Tesco, and they had got in rather nice men's cardigans. My immediate thought was "Oh, lovely! perfect for William!" before it hit me like a punch to the gut that of course I don't need to get him one. Hasty exit from shop, in tears.
     
  6. Scouts girl

    Scouts girl Registered User

    Jan 18, 2017
    308
    Yes we all grieve in our own way. I feel I am going through a kind of grief now with my lovely mum on end of life care due to vascular dementia. I lost her some months ago, and I know I am in a way lucky to have her still with me but the sadness and heartbreak in watching her suffering is like a form of bereavement in itself. I don’t know how I will really feel when she is no longer with me. Will it be tears of relief that she is no longer suffering, tears for the guilt that I could not look after her myself at home or just tears that I have lost my lovely mum to this awful disease I expect all of them. I know I will miss her terribly but I have wonderful memories of our lives together and just hope that these will see me through. It does at times feel like a never ending journey we are going through but we have to try and reassure ourselves that we do everything we can for our lwd to make sure they are safe and well cared for. I am sure there will be days when grief will hit you unexpectedly. When my dad died it was a piece of music or just reading something that I knew he would have found amusing, seeing something in a shop that reminded me of him that caused the tears to flow. Take your time to grieve, seek support from family and friends as they can be a lifesaver. You can join some support groups if you feel that counselling doesn’t help and please keep posting your thoughts and feelings on TP, we are all here for you. They say time is a great healer but not how long a time.
     
  7. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Yes I think Spamar is right we all grieve in our own way and with me it’s so unpredictable, today I had tears in my eyes in M&S looking in the men’s department where I always bought Chris clothes for Christmas.
     
  8. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    Ah , thanks you so much for your reply. I've been visiting both my folks every fortnight since mum died, so i can go to that special place set aside for grieving. Last month i felt that my grieving had significantly reduced and indeed last week my feelings were less extreme. I like your use of the word Tsunami is spot on. But i have also noticed that it is worst when i am tired and probably more vulnerable to emotions.

    This Christmas will be the 2nd without her so i will take care to remember what you say about years two and three. Thank you so much to your and your new friend.
     
  9. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    i think what you experienced is similar to others. For me it is because mum and i used to do so much together . Housework, gardening and lunch. Even my home office is in mum's bedroom. We were planning to sell up and move last April but circumstances and having to decide what to throw out forced us to delay.

    I hope we all have a peaceful and tear free Christmas. Thanks so much.
     
  10. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    My husband died nine years ago...and I don’t now get that ‘punch’ of grief that comes from nowhere in an instant ...but a few weeks back, I just cried and cried for days. Of course, I am now in a difficult position as my present husband has dementia...but a lot of the grief was for my late husband. I just so missed our happy times together. My dad died 17 years ago, and I have , at last, stopped thinking...ooh, I must tell dad that. Mum died five years ago...and that grief is like a black hole that I don’t go too near. I haven’t really had time to dwell on it, as my present husband was diagnosed with cancer just a few days after Mum died and the subsequent year was taken up with surgery and chemo. And then along came dementia.
     
  11. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,192
    Female
    Dundee
    @Amethyst59 - you had and are having such a hard time. You're always so positive and supportive of others too. Thinking of you.
     
  12. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    That’s sweet...I’m fine. Just need a bit more sleep. A couple of decent nights will set me up. Remember we are Weebles. We wobble....but (all together) we DON’T fall down!
     
  13. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    That's the spirit and Amethyst is such a lovely coloured stone. Your story is so sad but inspirational to those like me that don't really have it too bad at all. I hope your Christmas is at least as peaceful as you wish and you have the help you need to rest over the festive period.
     
  14. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    Oh, I don’t deserve any sympathy...I was moaning to @Chuggalug ....how selfish? She is thrilled she has just got a new buggy...I am darned lucky to have my two good legs. @Loopiloo has been widowed, is in a new home and needs carers to come in every day. My cup is very firmly half full. In fact, I think it might be two thirds!
     
  15. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    That's the spirit. I spent an hour in my mother's garden doing what we used to do together and thinking of what is truly important. That is what cheers me up and gives me hope. I've been limp all day and plan an early night for some good sleep. Thanks to everyone here, I'm coping a lot better and thanks to everyone for the postings.
     
  16. Greyone

    Greyone Registered User

    Sep 11, 2013
    382
    Male
    UK
    Hi and thanks for stopping by. I have two thoughts for you.

    It took me about a year before I decided to seek counselling for my personal matters that were crowding in on me. One thing my counsellor did say was that it would be difficult for me because I have lived with my family in the family home for over 55 years. That is very true I'm finding.

    The second is that I just recall the good times and I'm glad to hear you have those as well.

    As time went on for my mothers last few months, I could sense she was slipping further and further away. For instance when they stopped her medication and then when she became bed bound. I was the last I think to talk to her and to say goodnight on that fateful Friday. But I think of that as a happy occasion because we both said goodnight to each other and she let me give her one final hug.

    A couple of nights ago I was in her garden with the last light raking up the leaves and I just had to stop and think about all the good time we spent gardening together. Just saying that her and now makes me so happy. Good luck to you.
     
  17. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    You sound a bit like me, Amethyst. You don't deserve sympathy? Nonsense love. We all deserve a shoulder to lean on or cry on sometimes. Lots of love to you, xxxxxx
     
  18. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Wow, Amethyst. Who wouldn't feel full of emotion having gone through all that? Chick is a past Master on the little to no sleep thing. I still don't know how she copes.

    Everyone here was all over my troubles with me in the past. I'm getting over the robbery now. I've replaced most of what that family took who I swapped with. Thank God for the buggy as my foot has just decided to join in with the rest of me arthritis this morning (Yikes!) You come and tell us when you need support. That's what this site was set up for, xxxxxx

    It's a good thing I now live a few seconds from town. I really couldn't manage where I used to live any more. It's just too hard to get around.

    Hope you and everyone else has sunshine today. Ours is getting a bit wispy-looking here, but it's still bright :)
     
  19. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    Ha! I have only given the abbreviated version. I never like to give the full one...it makes me sound like a walking disaster zone and no one would come near! And sleep....I so needed to sleep last night, I took valerian, but my poor daughter was ill. Bless her, she tried to throw up quietly. But last night was the worst for sleep. I am WRECKED today. Oops! Hope this isn’t the ‘positive’s’ thread!!
     
  20. olivia1

    olivia1 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2017
    45
    Glasgow
    I am reading this thread because I think I'm about to lose my Mum. Five or six weeks ago - she was quite happy in a Care Home, I even found her reading sometimes - something she had long stopped doing when she was living at home. Everything seemed to be going along quite well. She even said to me a month ago, 'I like this room' for the first time since she'd moved there (6 months before). Then Wham.
    I feel guilt because I was in Switzerland when she ended up being moved into the CH - if I had been at home I could have looked after her... it is a long story. Then, I was in France for a week when she ended up in hospital with a staph foot infection. The foot has just got worse and worse -she is in terrible pain and as a result is constantly on oramorph - her medication is being reviewed tomorrow morning. She has a secondary infection and she has not been eating. She is slipping away. She is losing the will to live. And this breaks my heart . Like others in this thread I find memories coming into my mind of happy times we spent together. i have just started a new job and have no idea what their policy will be on compassionate leave. I can't bear to be away from her - I live 2 hours away on a train (a 40 minute train but with connections it takes me 2 hours) - left her this evening to go in early to work tomorrow to talk with my boss. I do not want to lose my job - I just got it. I have no idea what is going to happen. I work flexi-time so could cram all my hours into the first 4 days and have 3 days to spend with Mum at the weekend. Reading your messages, i think i's going to be important to be with her. I am getting very little response from her now. There is very little left. And this all happened in a matter of weeks. I just cannot believe this is how it happens, she is 85 so I guess she has had a very good life - but ... it doesn't help thinking of that. I am pleased she enjoyed her life. With dementia, she has been slipping away for a long time - but selfishly I could still talk with her and get her opinion about things until this last month. I just don't know how i'll manage, the thought of a funeral leaves me in pieces. I would like to speak but suppose i will be at risk of bursting into tears although .. I .. it just doesn't seem possible. She has been my best friend , always there , for such a long time . And now it's over. I feel like shouting it in the street but I don't, i think that all the things that people worry about - just don't matter. I don't know what will happen with work but she needs me now and she can't ask. I'm sorry to rabble on but this is all so unexpected - I need to talk to people who might understand what it's like
     

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